jhard
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Posts posted by jhard
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Alcazar
Ménage A Trois
j
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imnosaint,
Forgive me if I tend to be a little blunt. From what you have posted, I would say you have to a certain extent "made your bed" and now you find yourself having to "lay in it". I can't say how much that matters but suffice it to say that at times any one of us can be our own worse enemy. I am referring to your basically giving her the OK to mess around several years back. Do not take that lightly. As you mentioned, she caught you offgaurd years later when she said "I am ready....." and you did not know off the bat what whe was talking about. Obviously, your words got her mind spinning.....for a long time.
So, now you are knee deep in the stuff. From what you have written, I would say your wife's engine is running on FEELINGS and FEELINGS only. I would think it paramount that your engine run on HISTORY, COMMITMENT, STRENGTH and above all LOVE. You are still her man, don't give up on that before she has given up on it. If you stand there defeated she may well think leaving is the only thing left for her to do. Man, if you care about your marriage and her and want it, don't give in to mister half/century gut sucker. Present to your wife the winning option, you. I understand that you have a child together. In terms of your family situation, you will never find a woman (nor she a man) that is more related to your child! Nor anyone who cares more about the child and is willing to raise it/them.
To a very large degree, we create our own future. Right now your wife is not "herself" and what happens may well depend on how you deal with all this. Maybe good to go to mexico (dodge a few bullets:) ) for a few weeks away from Mr. Ab Washboard and reconnect.
I feel he snuck in through the back door of her heart without her consciously knowing it.
This is exactly what happened. Shut the back door and make the front door more attractive. I do not know if you are a milatary man, but if you can you should have the kind of talk with him that makes him shit his speedos.
j
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Hey everyone! I have been gone for quite sometime so I'm not sure if anyone remembers me! But none the less....I'm back! I hope that I can get into the swing of things here once more and meet some new people and reconnect with the older members.
How could I ever forget you? I have a photographic memory! Welcome back, hope things are all good for you.
j
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Of course differentiation of self does not, will not; cannot change your partner. Differentiation allows me to soothe my disappointments, not take my partner's behaviors personally or as a invalidation of my sexuality , preferences, intimacy, or sense of being lovable. Infidelity is not an option for me, either as a gentleman or a Christian. Intimacy, in Schnarch's most recent book called 'Intimacy and Desire' is clearly a unilateral experience that I have recently learned about and have experienced.
Your position is admirable and I share it for the same reasons. I have not always managed to maintain it as well as I would have liked. The "straw that broke the camels back" for me happened one anniversary night when I was getting some oral and she looked like she swallowed pure poison when she got a little precum and exclaimed "not for another 10 years, if this is what you want go and pay for it somewhere". When I planned an exquisite vacation and asked her what she thought about it she said she did not want to go since all I wanted to do was fuck anyway. Well excuse me for wanting to fuck with my wife, I thought. Hundreds of situations like this over many years causing who knows how many sleepless hours and thoughts of suicide and at times resentment so thick that you could cut it with a knife all finally led me to basically give up on someday finding the passion I hoped to find. As I turned another decade older I could not shake the thought that I will have lived and died and never even had one decent blowjob, to completion and beyond.
As an aside, I will say that our situation recently has improved. In part because I found out that you can not find meaningful intimate passion by paying for it so that option has lost its flavour, in part also because I feel badly about my shortcomings and I suppose am therefore willing to exercise more patience yet in waiting and hoping for a higher degree of intimate passion.
j
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This is my problem. My husband doesn't really have an interest in having sex with me anymore.
What was he like before you got married? Although in the minority, there are some guys that just have a very low sex drive. I know of families where low sex drive runs in the family through generations, with most of the males just about indifferent towards sex.
From a guy's perspective, I think the best course of action may be to be upfront and ask him what is going on. You don't want something like this to drag on, it does'nt get better on it's own.
j
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Glad to be back, I missed all you all. Too much real life interrupted me for ...what...maybe a year or so? Is everything still the same?
Cina
You would'nt happen to be aka the one and only Miss Peak of days gone by? Anyway, welcome back.
j
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Agreed and well stated, LadyLove. The issue is not one of communication, but one of differentiation. Thanks all, for reminding me of that.
I am not sure that differentiation is at the base of all this. I read the book by Schnarch and at one point was ready to go there for help in solving some issues. Logistically difficult for me so it never happened. The way I see it, you could be well differentiated till the day you die and still have never experienced the intimacy you long for. Without a doubt a certian degree of differentiation is healthy, but to think that being maximally differentiated will bring about change in one's partner is to me, living with one's head in the sand. I know of two cases where infidelity was the shock that woke up the low libido/lazy lover to the seriousness of thier situtation and both situations did wonders for the couples sex lives. Some people won't change until something absolutely forces them to change.
j
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How do you tell your lover that they are.....lazy in bed?
Hopefully your lover is also your wife or SO!
The best thing that I can think of is to paint your partner a picture of what your "perfect" love life would be like, and that you want her to share it with you. Ask her what she thinks about it or what her idea of a perfect love life is. After that you can talk about how the two of you can go about changing things to get there.I am coming to believe that there is little the high desire partner can do to change the low desire partner. The problem with patience is that some day you will be old and probably unable to perform anyway and you at some point have to ask yourself if you are either going to do certian things or will have lived and died without doing them. Maybe an ultimatum would work better than beating about the bush, I don't know. I guess you could also do what millions of people do, that is be all smiles and polite and fuck like rabbits with someone on the side. An aqauntance of mine who cheated on his wife said that his wife became way hornier after she found out about his loose canon, she is now determined to be the one to empty his sack. He says he can't keep up with her nowadays. Oh well, if we're lucky one day well be senior citizens on a bench drinking and laughing about all our concerns in our younger days.
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Update! It has been almost 3 years since this post and little had changed until a month ago and holy cow has it ever changed. Let me backup for a moment, the past couple of years have been significantly better than the previous 6-7 years, but I still felt that we could/should have so much more. Even though I tried much of the advice given on this board I basically just learned to live with it (my wife's low libido) by convincing myself that I still had a better sex life than many.
The past few weeks have been crazy, crazy good, with my wife practically attacking me in bed resulting in sessions that can last several hours. Letting me do things I thought she would never let me do again. For instance last night she wanted foreplay, lots of foreplay, letting me suck her nipples, nibble and kiss her all over and actually letting me go down on her even though she had not showered since morning, which I think is awesome because I love her sweet, natural flavor as opposed to the fresh out of the shower squeeky clean soapy taste I normally get. Then she let me finger her g-spot to my hearts content as I licked, nibbled and sucked her clit to several waves of orgasms eventually resulting in a huge, very wet, body shaking orgasm that squeezed my fingers harder than I thought possible, leaving her trembling for a few minutes until I mounted her, putting her feet over my shoulders as I thrust deep and hard, rubbing her g-spot with each stroke, ending rather shortly in a great simultaneous orgasm. I could go on and on about the previous few weeks (and I will gladly provide details if anyone requests it), but the fact is every few nights we have been having sex for hours resulting in complete exhaustion. Absolutely the best most satisfying sex in years. Finally, I am married to the woman of my dreams.
I have to go now but welcome any and all guesses as to why my wife's abrupt change in libido. I will be back asap...
Thanks for your support and advice over the past few years.
I am happy for you. I can only imagine that this makes your whole marriage that much better. Like you, I have also almost given up at times. Did you do anything to bring the change about or did it just happen? What about her, what does she say brought the change about?
j
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Update! It has been almost 3 years since this post and little had changed until a month ago and holy cow has it ever changed. Let me backup for a moment, the past couple of years have been significantly better than the previous 6-7 years, but I still felt that we could/should have so much more. Even though I tried much of the advice given on this board I basically just learned to live with it (my wife's low libido) by convincing myself that I still had a better sex life than many.
The past few weeks have been crazy, crazy good, with my wife practically attacking me in bed resulting in sessions that can last several hours. Letting me do things I thought she would never let me do again. For instance last night she wanted foreplay, lots of foreplay, letting me suck her nipples, nibble and kiss her all over and actually letting me go down on her even though she had not showered since morning, which I think is awesome because I love her sweet, natural flavor as opposed to the fresh out of the shower squeeky clean soapy taste I normally get. Then she let me finger her g-spot to my hearts content as I licked, nibbled and sucked her clit to several waves of orgasms eventually resulting in a huge, very wet, body shaking orgasm that squeezed my fingers harder than I thought possible, leaving her trembling for a few minutes until I mounted her, putting her feet over my shoulders as I thrust deep and hard, rubbing her g-spot with each stroke, ending rather shortly in a great simultaneous orgasm. I could go on and on about the previous few weeks (and I will gladly provide details if anyone requests it), but the fact is every few nights we have been having sex for hours resulting in complete exhaustion. Absolutely the best most satisfying sex in years. Finally, I am married to the woman of my dreams.
I have to go now but welcome any and all guesses as to why my wife's abrupt change in libido. I will be back asap...
Thanks for your support and advice over the past few years.
I am happy for you. I can only imagine that this makes your whole marriage that much better. Like you, I have also almost given up at times. Did you do anything to bring the change about or did it just happen? What about her, what does she say brought the change about?
j
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You want to know why escorts and prostitutes are looked down upon?
Well, in a nutshell because society as a whole, and women in specific, don't understand the importance of sex and can not comprehend why women would want to 'sell' sex, therefore having sex with anonymous people. Nor can people accept that some women chose to do this as a means of making money and are not forced or demeaned by doing so.
People judge. As such there is a negative stigma associated with this type of activity. Why would a woman 'demean' herself to sell her body? Why would a man demean himself and pay for sex? Doesn't the woman value herself as a person? Doesn't the man value his life and have any morals? People judge and put unneccesary stigmas on the whole situation.
Furthermore, we need to differentiate the type of prostitute we are discussing. Are we talking about the 10 cent whore who is strung out on cocaine, lives with a pimp and sells herself from morning till night - OR - are we talking about a high class 'escort' who works for a reputable company and makes a lot of money to do what she does? Does it matters? YES. Why? One does it out of necessity, the other does it as choice. Sure, they both make the 'choice' to have sex for money, but one is definitely more pressured to do so.
People judge. Prostitutes are dirty, skanky, don't have good self esteem. They don't 'care' that they spread disease or may die from what they do. This is the common perception of a normal 'crack whore' - while the 'escort' is seen differently. The escort is idealized and glamorized. Stories of high priced prostitutes show up in Lifetime movies. Escorts are seen as 'bettr than' a normal prostitute, but why.
Is there a difference? Don't both sell themselves for money? Does the amount of money make a difference? If you make 20 bucks for a blowjob or 200 does it matter? If you work with a service or a pimp, does it matter? If you wear expensive clothes, high priced lingerie or you parade around in short, cutt-off shorts does it matter?
It does. To society it matters what 'type' of hooker you are?
My opinion: prostitution is an unfortunate situation for many young women who leave their homes and fall prey to the street pimps and or drugs. It saddens my heart to hear of 16 year olds being forced into sex to survive. However, escorts who make the conscious choice to make a lot of money having sex in a more monitored environment get no sympathy for me. Much like a stripper who chooses to take her clothes off for money, an escort makes that choice and gets paid well for it. There is nothing demeaning about supplying an activity that is VERY MUCH in demand.
Also, while we are on the subject of demand, let's speak briefly about how if the men didn't want the sex and weren't out looking for it, there would be no demand and therefore nothing for the prostitutes to sell. So, when people blame the women for 'seducing men' it really peeves me off. Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world. Women sold sex before they sold anything else. It has survived through the centuries because of the law of supply and demand.
So, why are prostitutes looked down upon: lack of understanding and an inability to differientiate choice from need.
You summed it up very well, Mikayla.
I'll add that if wives were more understanding or caring about pleasing their men sexually that escorts would have a lot less work. It always amazes me how many wives refuse to satisfy thier men orally. If a woman is not at least trying to satisfy her man she should count on him looking elsewhere. This works the same for men that do not at least try to satisfy thier women.
j
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I found this interesting article on Lemondrop about how men 'use' porn to self soothe. I found it an interesting article because it addresses more than just the fact that men are visual. I would love some comments on this:
http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/05/26/why-men-are-really-addicted-to-porn/
Normal men are wired to look at the feminem figure. It could be of thier wive's, the Victoria's Secret model, or the figurine in the ladies clothing shop window. It could also be porn on the net. It is all based on the same natural instinct/curiosity/desire. I think addiction is the wrong word to use for something that is so basic to the male sphere of interest. I have had spells where I viewed a lot of porn and others where I viewed little to none. I do not feel guilty for most of it. What I enjoy most is any "porn" that depicts true "love making". Porn where women are slapped around and choked is a turn off and makes me glad that I am not so vile a man as to enjoy the degradation of so beautiful a being as that of a woman. For a normal man, seeing a woman (hopefully ones SO) deeply enjoying and longing for pyhsical intamacy is about as big a turn on as can be.
j
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alright...
I've talked to some of my close friends about this & the dr's are kind of ignoring the issue.
i'll start off at the top
when my husband was a baby, he had one testy that never descended so they had to surgically pull it down. fine whatever. well now (over 24 years later) we are having issues. The one testy that had to be pulled down is smaller & not firm.
now, the issue... for him to cum is a very hard process.. i cannot get him off (which kills me, because i feel like it's me, even tho it's not). and his sex drive is very low.. i mean he could live without having sex (as for me.. i could do it all day every day.. which is probably why i had a kid at 14 & 18.. ugh.) and that too makes me feel like i'm not attractive.
The other day he was on top (which is a rare thing, because he has no stamina.. he says it hurts his legs very badly) and omg, he came! i was very confused.. it was the first time that had ever happened. and we've been together (sexually) for a couple of years. that night, i was on top.. and after about 20 minutes, he started stroking himself (which is the only way, that we know of, he can cum).. so when he finally climaxed i had to quickly jump on top, so it goes off in me (trust me.. it's like being an acrobatic person). the next day he came again.. i was just baffled, because he has NEVER cum that much...
but i asked him how he was feeling. he says that his legs hurt like hell & that they cramp up every single time he ejaculates.. I asked him how it felt to cum so much & he said it physically hurts
he said the only reason why he was able to cum the first time (when he was on top of me) was because he was already really turned on. so it didn't take much. (but it hurt him a lot do actually do it)
now a couple months ago he was talking to his dr, because i really want to have another baby soon.. and his ejaculation problem and lack of sex drive is killing my self esteem.. the dr told him that it's probably a psychological problem.. i think that's a load of bull s***.
so does anyone on here have any ideas.. or know of anything we can try?
I don't think that your man is "ill". It appears that you have the "pants on" in this relationship. Not a bad thing just the way it is. You may well have to take control of your sex life as a couple and make things happen as you wish, just like many men have to do. Pain is relative, if he is not howling for a doctor I would not worry abuot it to much. It's not like you are going to damage his body or anything. My bet is that all this is mostly related to his much lower sex drive. By the way, I doubt a shrink can help with this, but they will take your money.
jhard
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Two recent shots that I took for my sweetie. I can't believe this post has a second life! Well since I started the origional I just had to join since there were very few participants.
Ah very nice Shoop! Hope your sweetie likes them as much as we do!
j
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Kace,
I know exactly how you feel. Personally, I would say that you probably have to learn to live with and get by with a much "lesser" sex life than you would prefer, if you want to stay with this woman. The partner with the lesser sex drive controls the situation, unfortunately. Assume that things will stay more or less as they are (and be happy if they improve). From what I have learned, I think most often things do not change substantially. This should be a big factor to consider before kids are brought into the equation. If I only had sex once a month I would leave the house and never come back, ever.
j
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If it works and get's you were you want to go then it is "exciting"
Do any of you girl have the hitachi magic wand?
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Hi Kayland,
Try this tip if you might. Buy a Hitachi Magic wand. Get some foreplay going with your fellow and when you feel aroused ride him (him lying down and you upright). Put the head of the magicwand against your clit. If your guy cums quickly get him off one time first before hand so he'll last longer for your ride!
After you cum this way get on all fours and get him to do you from behind while you hold the magicwand against your clit again. It may help you to turn the lights down a bit. My wife did not orgasm at all until she was 38 yo or so. The magicwand is the toy of choice for her, all others are collecting dust.jhard
ps If you want him to follow you like a lost puppy forever then intermittantly interrupt the above act for some brief but intense cock sucking. Do that and he will not even realise that there are other woman on the planet for at least a decade, maybe more!
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Hello Mrs. Hmmm,
I can relate to you, I am a husband married to a woman with a much lower libido than me. I have tried to "help" my wife with this issue and nothing has worked as desired. In our case, I think the bottom line is it is just her. I can only encourage you keep working at this and even if you are not gaining ground, just letting your husband know that you see the issue and want to change it will make him feel better. If it becomes engrained over years, it can lead to resentment and will cause the entire relantionship to become cold like a dead fish.
jhard
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I hate to be the one too break it to ya, MsLayD,
But "love" is a lie.
It is all about commitment. Commitment is about effort. It takes effort. When effort starts to wade, a fellow or gal will look for "support" elsewhere.........
Now hope is a little different, when hope starts to wade due to a partners lack of effort then look out, rocky road ahead.
No more ceromonies or document signing for this fella,
j
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I realize that I need to be her rock and the engine that runs the relationship for now. I've taken that role and done a pretty good job up to this point. Now we're finally on the downward slope of the hill things are much easier for her and she's not as preoccupied as she has been. All I'm asking for is a little help. I just want her to be as passionate for her marriage as she is with being a doctor. I don't think that's asking a lot.
Mikayla, I hope you are getting paid for this, because it just keeps going around and around in circles.
Man Woman relationship, rule number one for success...woman has got to be working towards total sexual satisfaction of her male partner. Suck cock and swallow cum, take it up the ass and all else. This is what your basic run of the mill Joe desires and most of them will follow you in servitude if you please them privately. If not, just wait for him to loose himself in a magazine or cheap video or a cheap whatever, a whatever that is willing to do what you are not.
For shits shake just fuck him!
The best thing that I can think of is to paint your partner a picture of what your "perfect" love life would be like, and that you want her to share it with you. Ask her what she thinks about it or what her idea of a perfect love life is. After that you can talk about how the two of you can go about changing things to get there.
After you cum this way get on all fours and get him to do you from behind while you hold the magicwand against your clit again. It may help you to turn the lights down a bit. My wife did not orgasm at all until she was 38 yo or so. The magicwand is the toy of choice for her, all others are collecting dust.
Sexiest Songs
in Marriage and Committed Relationships
Posted
Another great song is "Love me like a song" by Kimmie Rhodes and Willie Nelson. Not really a "sexy" song but a great love song.
j