bunny3412

I can't believe I'm posting on here! My husband and I shopped online for some things a few months back and discovered tootimid, and I've been reading the boards off and on for a while now. There's a huge amount of information here but I can't seem to find anything to solve my issue. A little background--we've been married for 5 years. We got married when I was 18 and he was 19. We had sex before marriage and it was great. He was (still is!) amazingly attentive and I've never had a problem having orgasms. We were both raised in a traditional Baptist church, and both taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. We struggled with this while we were dating, but failed each time. So after we got married, it seemed like my sex drive just dropped. Like off the map. I don't know where it went! Literally I remember the 3rd or 4th day of our honeymoon, it just vanished. It's like now that it wasn't forbidden, it lost it's appeal. Of course, he didn't lose his, lol! We still have sex; I'll have a week where I'm really into it (like when we ordered the stuff from here--but by the time it was delivered, it was gone) and we'll make love 4 times in the week, but then it's gone as quickly as it came. We have 2 kids (young kids, 18 months and 3 years) and I use that as an excuse a lot. When I do 'give in' and have sex with him, it's ok after I get 'warmed up' and I always have an orgasm. But there's this immense feeling of guilt with it. Like I can't stop thinking about how terrible and dirty it is. Especially when we try new things. I've never been one to masturbate, but after we got the toys in from TT, (a week or so after we got them) I texted DH and asked him if it would bother him if I used one while he was at work. The thought really turned me on, and I did it--it was great. But as soon as I started coming down from the orgasm, these thoughts filled my head of how awful it was and how wrong. It's funny though, when I think about someone else doing it (even DH, I tell him to when I just 'can't') I don't think of it being a bad thing. But when I do, I can't stop freaking out about someone catching me or watching me. Sometimes I think God is punishing us because we had sex before marriage. And now, DH is wanting to try new things (I think he thinks spicing things up will help?) like porn. I've never in my life watched a pornographic movie. (I know, you all probably think I'm a prude! lol) I want to, because I think it would help--but then I get so embarrassed and ashamed feeling. Wow, this is so long! Just wondering though-- is this something that people go through normally or should I be medicated? ;o) I know that it's just the way I was raised and it's just those old convictions coming back to haunt me, but how can I change it? I've talked to DH about it and he's so perfect and tries to understand. But I can't help but to wonder if he thinks it's just an excuse. Sorry if it's not understandable--I just wanted to put this out there and see if anyone has ever felt the same way. I want SO badly to be that confident woman who can please herself and her husband with out convictions!