CaliStar

I apoligize I edited to say what I meant... I do not resent my daughter ... yes I did choose to stay because he will make my life hell if I leave and everyone is right she is the best thing that has happened to me ... if I leave him I will still have to deal with him for the next 18 years... I would like to work on my marriage I just dont know how to after doing what I did, honestly if I could bring myelf to do it I would like to just disappear I dont want my daughter to grow up in a loveless marriage and I dont want her to know that I did the stupidest thing I could have ever done... I know it could have been worse I could have actually had sex and continued to but it was the one day thing... and still I just... my husband andI dont keep secrets and this is killing me to not tell him and beg for forgivness... yes part of me did it because I do want out I am tired of everything that he says to me... I want him to have a more active role in his daughter up bringing but he is too busy playing golf and going hunting and doing all his hobbies while I stay home and raise her and clean up after him the roommate, his dog, the roommate's dog, make sure they have B,L & D, clean clothes a clean house everyime they walk into the door, a full bottle of rum waiting for them so they can relax, ... yes I do pull my weight no I dont have a job where I make money I have a 24/7/365 job of caring for him, our baby and our roommate... evey penny that i "make" from my dogs goe to his "other" hobby and funds what ever ... that he will get to make more money on.

I screwed up and just dont know wht to do or say... two weeks ago... let me start over I am 24 (25 in Dec) married, have a beautiful 7 month old daughter, SAHM, Doxie breeder, Nov will be my 3 yr anniversary... I have been with my husband for 5 years now... On my wedding day and before that my family kept telling me to back out, you see, his family or the males in his family are very headstrong arrogant and only care about #1, when we met he was wonderful and we had great conversations, I've never been phyically attracted to him and rarely am "pleased" by him sexually, but we got married and planned on NOT having kids Our relationship has beend a roller coaster at Magic Mountian, we've had our ups and downs roommates have thrown us thru the loop many times his family has sent us jolting backwards MANY times... last year well Dec. 2006 he went to GA to help his uncle remodel a rundown house, his uncle promised him $25k for his time and work, right before he left though I asked my parnets to loan us $25k so that we could start up his Pool service and Maintenance & Remodeling CO. Well after working for his uncle for 4 months and never getting paid a dime actually we loaned 1/2 the money borrowed from my parents to fund the remodel... his uncle told im he wasnt going to pay him and he hadnt planned on paying him the entire time. So I flew out there and we drove home from GA to CA together, had a wonderful time together, it was almost like when we had first gotten together. Things stayed like that until May... in May his sister moved out of our house that is owned by his parents... Oh the money that my parents loaned us ws fully gone by then because I had to pay all the bills and all the credit cards they had run up while out there and Pay the $2300 for the rent... no his sister NEVER paid a dime to anything. So she moved out and a guy moved in... a slob dead beat smoker who reaked of alcohol. Hubby's Dad asked him to come back and work for him running all his jobs that he'd put on hold for what ever reason he wants to say the story changes all the time. Our life was a little hectic and being seperated from him for 4 months was really like re-getting to know him he completely changed. In June (6/3/07 to be exact) we got into a huge huge fight. I wanted to leave I was so hurt by being called worthless and everything else that he said I just wanted to go... but like always whn ever we had a fight he would come back 1hr later and say something that would make me stay. the following day he got one me again about being worthless and just completely idoitic... we went to bed and didnt say a thing. On 6/5/07 I came to my sences and then realized that I had missed my period in May which never happens to me (I take BC) after he left for work I ran to the store and bought a test... sure enough I was PG... I felt like a deer watching a bullet fly towards me my heart raced but I could move... shocked like you would not believe I told two people my mom and my friend at work... they knew about he fghts we had... the rest of that week I got "blow" after "blow" from my hubby about how worthless and dumb I was and how I should be kissing the ground he walked on because no man would want a f'ed up woman like I am no an would ever want to love me because I had no brain...after dealing with that for a week I finally told him, I wrote him a letter and put it in 5 envelopes with the test in the smallest envelope. Surprisingly everything changed... I told him he had the decision either we stay together and keep it or I was leaving. Of course I wouldnt get rid of it, but if I left he would have no part in the baby's life and he knew that. But ever since that week my love for him has gone, I still love him but only because I have been with him for 5 years. Our daughter was born in january, perfect and beautiful as she is I sometimes resent her because I stayed more because I do everything now...I guess I shouldnt say I resent my child because I dont... I resent the fact that I do everything for her I dont have a problem with that of course I dont expect her to bath and feed clothe herself, I resent my husband for not helping me do anything at all. My daughter is my whole life, even when I get angry I look at her and am not mad anylonger. I just... after having her I dsid go thru post padrum depression but never got help for it, hubby said it was all in my head and that I should get over myself that I was just making excuses. he finally after 7 months has for the first time changed her diaper because I told him he was being childish. Well in April of this year our old roommie moved out and a new one moved in... he was a childhood friend of my hubby's ... and thats when all the resent for my husband balled up and I found myself attracted to his friend, phyically. There are so many things we have in common... hubby and I have had 8 fights in the past 3 months and the second to last one was because of the friend... I had talked to him and he told me I should tell hubby how I felt and why I had such resent ment for him ... I did and I wanted to pack up and leave but just like before he said something that made me stay... what really made me stay was my daughter, my mom raised me by her self until I was 3 she married the most wonderful man who loves me as much as his own daughter(my little sister). I know I know I can make it on my own but I get a sinking feeling in my heart when I think about leaving him now. Well 2 weeks ago our roommie asked me to give him a bj in the most coy of ways and I gave in... sadly because I knew he has a large member and my hubby's well lets just say that I have small hands and when he is hard he fits in my hand from the width of my palm... roomie is 2.5 x hubby's size... I made him cum in 30 sec both times and was really wanting to have sex with him and still did until a couple days ago. Alone again yesterday with roomie I talked to him and knowing that it was a stupid thing what we had done ...to be continued Edited to add... When I talked to my roomie the other day it was because he had started being a complete ass to me, which is fine I probably deserved it, I asked him why when I would ask him a question he wouldnt respond to me. I have been the same as I was before it happened still cleaned his room did his laundry cooked food for him so why was he so stand offish... his answer was that he didnt want me texting him because it is evidence...my texts to him were about his clothes... and if he wanted to go walk with me since we both walk every night after dinner and hubby doesnt like when I walk when the sun sets... he said that me texing him will lead my hubby to suspision... VER BADUM quoted from my Husband " I dont care what you do, I know youre going to do what you want... I think it's cute that "he" gets his panties in a twist over worring what I will say to him... I dont care if you text him its the easiest way for you to talk to him so why would I care" there was more but... anyway, roomie said that he didnt know what gave hime the balls to get me to do what I did, "Guys just dont think a lot of the time". I guess I was living a fantasy that day I had a dream about him when we frist met and the whole day played like my dream. I do love my husband... as I said he is all I've known for the past 5 years... and he loves me "thats why {I} do so much for you" I get to stay a home with the baby and the dogs, I cook and clean and everyday when he comes home I have a smile on my face and a drink in my hand. I breed as a hobby and hopefully one day will actually get to start showing like I have wanted, lst year my dogs brought in $12k on top of my full time job, but non of that money went to savings it all got spent on his hobbies... one to not be mentioned, 2- to his boat, 3- to golfing, 4- to hunting, 5 to his tools and truck... I guess my resentment really lies in myself because I never did anything I wanted to do before having a child... when I turned 21 I never went and partied ass, for my birthday my mom took me to vegas and my friend came along we ended up doing everything she wanted because it was her first time there too, I know it sounds dumb but I have never gone and got stupid drunk never did a drug in my life, i've had sex with a couple different guys prior to meeting the hubby all of whom were much MUCH more pleasing, and a lot of the time I feel like I've setteled for second best. When we met I had just ended a long relationship well... I caught him cheating on me... ironic right... we were engaged and had just put a deposit on a place together... every penny that I earned went to that place and I lost it all, I was completely broken and my husband was like a knight in shining armor and came to "mended" my broken heart but while doing so mentally would put me down to make me think I had found the best guy I would ever get... thats why I married him... I even had doubts on my wedding day but my MOH handed me a glass of wine and told me it was just the butterflies all women get it. I should have payed attention to the signs we had 4 pastors back out on us one was my cousin... I had to go on the internet the day before our wedding and find a pastor. But I felt like I would be letting everyone down if I backed out especially my parents because they spent $20k on my wedding. My bigest problem is ... I cant just do something... I have to have someone tell me what to do... I have wanted to go see a counsler but I have no insurance and hubby thinks they are a waste of time. I've always had people telling me what to do and everytime I do something on my own i feel like I am doing it wrong or what I am doing is a waste of time or I would get looked down on for doing what ever it was... just like my carreer... I gave up on that because he didnt like that I had to work nights and weekends ... I was a chef, had I not married him I would be a sou chef at a very high end hotel and be making $90k a year. LOL I guess that is why I posted here... *tears in my eyes* I just want someone to tell me what to do how to fix what I did... I want a non biasses party to just be honest with me and tell me what I really should do... should I leave my husband whom I have spent 5 years with and love because I have been with him for so long (yes I know many of you have been with your spouses for20+ years and I congradulate you) but I knwI would and will just end up like his mother always being told to "Shut up"and that I dont know what I am talking about... should I talk him into going to a marriage cousnlor...what do I do... Im not asking for pitty andI dont mind blunt or down right rude, he has been telling me what to do for the past 5 years and that is all I know any more, anytime I try to think for myself I get shot down. I do want to work on it and have wanted to but since I f'ed up I just feel lost... I want someone to hug me but I want someone to slap me ... I always tell my mom everything she is my best friend but I just cant bring myself to tell her this... I want so badly to tell him but Im scared to loose him and start all over... I've watched my cousin struggle with raising her daughter since she was 2 yrs old and she is misrable I dont want to turn out like her... I forgot to add the main reason why it has been such a hard decision... on top of his uncle screwing us and him working for his father...and not getting paid... we have completely ruined our credit and the only option is filing for CH 7 bankruptcy... I will loose everything my car and any chance I have of starting over because I have looked at the options of moving, I will have to restart in a different place, I couldnt start over here its way too expensive but how do I move away from my family...