briceshepherd

I understand and I've already thought about moving slow. I think anything may have to wait until we see each other in a few weeks to try anything. I'm okay with that but it may be hard b/c I'm going to want to rip her clothes off as soon as I see her. I'll have to exercise restraint, which, more than likely, could make for much more interesting and enjoyable sex. Sqaure, I already know what I've gotten into. I've known from the beginning what she's like and what her sex drive is like. I've accepted it. She's the one I want to spend the rest of days with and the one I want to have children with. However, it doesn't mean that I'm going to sit idly by and do absolutely nothing about it. The only way to grow as a couple is to keep learning and experiencing new and exciting things. This is just one of those things that I'd like to experience with her. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to change who she is, just open her eyes to new things. I've done it in the past and there are things we do now that we never did the first 5 years when were together. After all, we're still young... not even in our 30s yet and she has yet to reach her sexual peak. We have our whole lives in front of us. I'm patient, and the older I get the more patient I've become. This is just another hurdle but it doesn't mean I can't ask for some outside advice from others who may have been in the same situation once before. Thank you for the feedback.

My wife and I have been together for nearly 11 years and she's currently away doing some internships. She'll be gone for a total of 8 weeks. This time period, once completed, will be the longest we've ever been apart from each other, even before we were married. We still talk every night and more than not we video chat. I told her that since we're going to be apart for such a long time that she's gonna have to give me some naked time. She agreed that she could do that, but if I know her, and I do, it means that she'll just sit naked a talk to me. Nothing too exciting about that. I then asked if there were any chance she would masturbate for me, give me a show of some kind. Her response, "No." Then everytime I tried to explain that it would be good for us, something new and exciting that we've never done before, something that could help the marriage and our love life grow, every time the answer was short and sweet, "No." "Nope." She's never masturbated. She says she doesn't have to since she has me. Plus she has a pretty low sex drive. The only time she ever touches herself is where we're having sex. She'll rub her clitoris like crazy then, but never any time else. Do I have any options here? She's only been gone a week but it's already been 5 weeks since the last time we made love and I won't see her for another 7 weeks unless we meet on a weekend sometime earlier. This is already the longest we've gone without having sex since before we were virgins. Before she left we did what she wanted to do - have a couple of dates, go shopping, spent one day all day in bed being lazy, but we didn't do what I wanted to do... have a day of passion and love making. Just one day of on and off love making. That's not too much to ask for when you know you won't see your wife for 8 weeks, is it? I asked her when she's happiest in our marriage, she responded with "Lazy Sundays." She didn't even ask me when I'm happiest -- by the way it's when we're having sex on a regular basis, at least once a week. We started the year great then her clinic rotation hours turned into all-nighters for 4 weeks straight and sex was out of the question b/c she was exhausted. I was okay with that. I complained about it, but I realized that's all I could do was complain that she was being worked too hard. I'd do anything to make her happy but most of the time I don't get that feeling from her. Since we're apart using the web cams is my only option. I've sent her some articles about masturbation etc, begging her to read them and to be open about it. I know I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do or feel comfortable doing but there's got to be some sort of compromise here. We argued the day she left because she wasn't meeting me half way. What should I do? ------ Update: I learned tonight the reason she won't masturbate is because she's not comfortable with her own body. I guess she never really has been, but after years of being with me she's learned to overlook it, b/c I love her body. So how I can teach her to be comfortable in her own skin?

I mean the issue with attraction has gone away. I'm taking better care of myself now, working out, building muscle, getting fit. Areas that she likes to grab on to while having (back, shoulders, arms, chest) are all getting bigger and stronger and she really likes it (so do I). I'm nt the only one working out though. She is too. Also, things have started to get much better between us. Now that the holidays are over we have more time to spend with each other, and we're not doing the same ol' stuff every day. I'm making it a point to keep things new and so far, so good.

Before my wife and I married we would watch porn together. We'd go to the stores together and pick movies (and toys) out we both could enjoy. We'd love to watch porn for the bad acting but once we got to a sex scene that we both liked we'd watch it and more than likely we end up having some pretty good sex later. We also would use toys regularly. Everything from dildos and vibrators to cock rings, and even a butt plug. We've been and married for 3 1/2 years now (together for 10 years total) and the last porn we watched together was probably over 2 years ago. I've asked her why we don't watch it together anymore but I can never get a straight answer from her. Maybe it's something to do with the fact that it seems like the same thing over and over again (but if you think about sex in general, that's what it is). Then I think maybe it's because since the retirement of Jenna Jameson she hasn't really found another porn star that she likes as much. Maybe it's the fact that almost every ending scene with a man involved has him unloading on the girl's face instead of anywhere else, and I think that grosses her out just a bit. I just can't figure it out. Then there's the sex toys. About a year ago, maybe a little longer we purchased a butt plug. That was the last toy purchase we've made and I think maybe we've used it a handful of times. Since then toys being used during sex has just kind of stopped. We still have them, and they're usually within reach but we don't use them. Even if I reach for one, much of the time she'll tell me that she'd rather have me inside of her instead. I'm okay with that, but using toys is a great way to prolong sex and make it more exciting and different. This brings me to my next issue. It seems like I've been having a problem with premature ejaculation lately. Almost every time we have sex now it's either much much quicker than I'd like, much slower than she'd like (so I can go longer) or I have to come early, then we keep going. I'm not masturbating as much as I used to, mainly b/c I'm trying to cut back on watching porn by myself. But I think a large reason this is happening is b/c since we don't have sex as much anymore and don't wear condoms anymore I just can't hold on like I used to. I also don't think it helps that we don't use toys anymore. Also... I don't go down on her as much anymore b/c recently she has told me that she doesn't like kissing me after I go down on her b/c she doesn't like the taste. I think she tastes great btw. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for from you guys b/c I know the only way to get to the bottom of all of this is to talk to her. I really don't care that we don't watch porn together or use toys anymore, b/c even though it would be nice to have back, I can live without that. However, I do want to last longer in bed. The best solutions I've seen is the start/stop method, which takes a lot of patience from both people, or for me to come early on then keep going. The problem with the latter is this: A) She likes to come at or near the same time. 2) Sometimes it can take a bit for me to ready to go again so in the meantime I have to go down on her, make out, etc, etc. and D) She told me last night that she really doesn't like the in between time because after being inside of her she wants to keep me there instead of me going down on her, etc. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks.

We're working through things. As far as I know, and what she's told me, the attraction thing has gone out the window. Even last night she told me I was looking sexy and I just gotten home from working out so I was wearing baggy sweats a t-shirt and probably didn't smell that great. We still don't have sex as much I'd like or even how I'd like but (that's another issue altogether, look for another post about that soon). I think we still have a lot of room to grow and learn. I do still wish that she'd take some more initiative in the bedroom more often though. Hopefully that will come with time.

DVM... And she's not going for an internship or residency after... she wants a family and has decided that's she waited long enough.

I don't think the issue is stress. It may have been earlier but now she has literally nothing to cause anymore stress to her. She's completed all of her tests and doesn't have any more classes. All she has to do is show up for her clinical rotations and come home. Like yourself, there have been times when she has "forced" herself to be in the mood and has never regretted doing it. I too, have stressed to her that sex is a stress reliever, however in the past it's been hard for her to get in the mood when she has medical terms and cases running through her mind all the time. I'm not sure if that's still true b/c for four weeks I'm not sure if she's even tried to get in the mood for sex. I have wondered about an attraction to someone else. But every time I ask her about it she assures me that there's nothing between her or anyone else. She has admitted to feeling comfortable around guys in her class simply b/c they have a common interest and right now that common interest is ruling their lives. She's not actively looking for other partners but I know there that are few guys she knows that would probably drop everything given the chance to be with her. I think she likes the attention that she gets from them b/c it's new and exciting. AS far as my sexual preference... I agree that foreplay is key... Even though I would prefer shorter foreplay it doesn't mean I don't enjoy it. I just the entire act, foreplay, intercourse, afterplay, everything to last as long as possible... those kinds of sessions make for the best connections and orgasms. But mind you... quickies are great too. I'm even okay with just giving her something or "settling" for something less than sex if she's not will to go all the way. Sometimes I just want to get off, and don't want to have to do it myself. It's more fun with her. I think going forward the only thing I can do is to stay as positive as possible, continue to be loving and supportive, and just wait for her to come to me. I can't continue to put articles in front of her asking her read them, or ask her to see a counselor... if she doesn't get the idea herself and has to be "told" what to do then she's tends to ignore the entire suggestion and not do anything. I have a hell of time getting her to ever wear sexy lingerie or role play or play sex games or anything like that. When she's told that she has to do something, even if it's part of a game, a switch gets flipped on in her mind and tells her to rebel and not do it. So anything "deeper" than that may be out of the question. Like I've said before I just want her to want to change. God knows I have over the years.

I realize that I need to be her rock and the engine that runs the relationship for now. I've taken that role and done a pretty good job up to this point. Now we're finally on the downward slope of the hill things are much easier for her and she's not as preoccupied as she has been. All I'm asking for is a little help. I just want her to be as passionate for her marriage as she is with being a doctor. I don't think that's asking a lot.

I've thought of that and her answer was "I don't know." Like 10 or 15... but I've lost almost all of it, and look better now than I did three years ago. And I know she still has an emotional attachment to me, that's obvious. Yes... currently it feels like I've been doing all of the work, and my wife is like yours. She doesn't like to be told or asked what to do. She's going to do what she wants to do. I can back off and give her space and things will eventually get better but it won't be long term. We'll be right back in this mess a few months later b/c she's still doing or not doing the same things. She needs to learn that to be happy in a marriage she can't always expect everything to be given to her, she needs to do some giving as well. We all know that whatever one spouse is feeling the other is right there with them.

My first post. I apologize for the length but I think the back story is important. My wife and are a young couple (27 & 28) who have been together for 10+ years. We've lived together for 8 years and have been married for 3-1/2. We currently reside close to 600 miles away from "home" while she is attending graduate school. We've been here for all but two months of our marriage and she's due to graduate on Mother's Day 2010. Things have gotten rocky in our relationship in the past but we've worked through them. Many of our friends see us as the perfect couple and some even envy the kind of relationship we have. School has been rough on my wife and up until recently has taken up almost all of her time and energy. I have patiently waited lower on her priority list for the last few years as I know that our future together relies heavily on her graduating and finding a job. Once that happens we can move back home and start to expand our family. A few months ago I noticed that things weren't as great as they had been. Sex had become less frequent, as well as conversation, and any time we did talk it seemed like we were arguing about something (mostly sex or the lack there-of). We finally sat down to talk everything over and she told me that she wasn't as attracted to me as she used to be. Since moving to where we are I let myself go a bit, we both have. I've been focusing on keeping a roof over our head, and food in our mouths and her focus has been on school so it was only natural for both of us to gain some extra pounds. After a long talk and a few very intense days and nights of discussing the issue at hand I decided to get proactive. I joined a gym and started eating much healthier. After a few weeks I had dropped some weight, was feeling much better about myself, and had a lot more energy. During this time my wife had been spending a lot of time at a classmates place studying for "the test". We had a few dinner dates at our house, where she would come over, we'd fix dinner together, drink some wine, and slow dance in the kitchen. Very out of the norm, very romantic and we had a great time. We even had sex a few times during this period and she like how my body was changing. The last time we has sex or did anything remotely related to sex was the Monday before Thanksgiving. (That's almost four weeks, probably close to a record for us). She was leaving for "home" for the holiday and would be gone for a week. (Don't worry though, I had Turkey day with my dad and two best friends.) The sex was good (it's always good, we're very compatible in bed) but it felt a little forced on her part. Now that almost 4 weeks have passed since then things have gone back to the way they were a few months ago. We're not arguing with each other this time, but she told me last week that she doesn't have the desire to have sex with me. There's no passion anymore. She said that if she were with someone else it wouldn't be an issue b/c it would be new and exciting. (She's not looking elsewhere, trust me, I would know). But after 10 years she doesn't "lust after me" like she used to when the relationship was younger. I'm still working out, and now I'm actually putting on muscle and you can see the results. My wife is now working out as well. I've read articles and articles about how to get passion back into the relationship and today I've read some about not being attracted to your partner. From what I can see they all give pretty much the same advice: - Both people have to want the marriage to succeed. - Marriage isn't about being happy, it's about growing as a person. If you grow as a person, you can better grow as a couple then being happy is just there. - Get out of your routines and do somethings that are different. - Have sex... often, but make sure it's not routine and that you're not having sex just to get off, but to connect with the other person. (A little insight on sex between us... she loves foreplay and wants a lot of it but once intercourse starts she wants hard and fast. I'm the opposite, I'd prefer to get through the foreplay a bit quicker and have long, slow sex. She wants to get to the finish line as fast a possible and I want to enjoy the ride and connect on a deeper level. Not to say that both of us don't enjoy what the other does b/c we do, but that's the norm.) We both agree with the first thing... We want the marriage to succeed. So we're both on the same page there but as for everything else I'm not sure if she's even trying. I've sent her articles via email and even read a few to her that I thought have great advice for someone in her position. It's been a week already but I haven't seen any change in her behavior or routine. I tried following a "7 Nights To Sexual Intimacy" routine earlier in the week where both people have to participate and each night you do something different (Including having sex without climax! I know right?!?!). I started with night one, but she hasn't responded with night two. Tonight we should be on night 4. This morning after working out I sent her a picture of me with my shirt off and told her jokingly that I thought she'd enjoy some eye candy in the morning. Her response was "uh huh." I then said, "I look good, especially compared to a couple months ago." "Good," she replied. I told her that the correct answer was "Yes you do. I agree. I love the way look" and that I was looking for a little support, a bit of proof that my wife is still attracted to me. She responded with "K." I think she was driving at the moment, but c'mon, throw me a bone here. I'm doing everything I can think of to turn this marriage around. I feel like I'm growing as a person. I'm learning new things and I'm willing to change and willing to do what needs to be done to succeed. But on the other side I can't seem to get her to see and do the same thing. She's very complacent staying in her routine and not changing a thing. I don't know what to do. I know I need to talk to her more and seeing a counselor would probably help, b/c she'd be able to hear the things I've been telling her from someone else, but we can't afford that. I just don't want to seem like I'm being too pushy. She still loves me, and is still emotionally connected to me, but I think it's the physical that's not there anymore. I love my wife with all my heart, body and soul and I'm still attracted to her in every way but I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't feel the same toward me and isn't willing to fight for their marriage. I don't want a failed marriage, especially after only 3-1/2 years. Any advice will help. Thanks for everyone who hung in there and read the entire post.