Trying to get over the belief that my wife had sex with another man. I will explain. I need your help.

[Sanbone]

I met my wife in 1981, we got married in 1982.  Before meeting my wife  I had been in two very bad relationships.   Between relationships, I met a girl, she was virgin and had not been in a serious relationship.   I decided that the next girl I met that I could trust, I would ask her to marry me.   Before my now wife and I made love, she asked many other women I had sex with.  She explained that she was not a virgin because her step-grandfather  raped her multiple times when she was only 8.  He got her alone by offering to take her to church.  As a side note, I know at least 4 women that were raped by men that offered to take them to church.  She said she had not had sex with anyone else.  I believed her in part because he had dated 2 months before she stayed over night.  Over the years we have been married she told me a lot of things I would not have asked about.  For example.   the first time I met her father, we had been married a couple of years.  Her sister wanted her to meet this guy.  My wife told me that her sister told her that the guy's dick was so big that it hurt her.  This sister is closest.  I asked my wife why did her sister want her to meet  big dick guy.  My wife said that her sister was crazy.   My wife and this sister shared an apartment for a year.  I think her sister believed that my wife would enjoy sex with big dick guy.   We went to visit her aunt is the town where my wife and sister had an apartment.  This was 1996, we had two kids.  Her aunt told my wife that some guy she had dated when she lived there was waiting for her to come back so they could get married.    She had moved from that town in 1981.   I was in the military.  I did two six month deployments before we had kids.  The issue I am have a hard time with is what happened the day I returned from my second deployment,  My wife's younger sister had come to stay with her while I was gone.  My wife changed apartments while I was deployed.  My wife and I agreed  that she would work her regular  work day,  I made to our new apartment at about 2 pm.  I talked to my sister-in-law while waiting for my wife to get home. Her sister was leaving that evening  At about 5:30 my wife walks in,  I was so happy to see her after 6 months.  As soon she walked in her sister said "She stayed out late last night",   My wife gave her sister that shut up look.  It was obvious that my wife did not want me to know that she had stayed out late the night before I returned from a 6 month deployment,  I was  in the Navy so, one thing I heard a few time, "You are going to find your wife the same way you left her, freshly fucked".    This was March 1987. I asked my wife where was she that she stayed out late the night before I returned.  She said "I don't remember"   She had never lied to me before .  The strange thing is that she told me not to ask again.  I had completely forgot about that until 2015.  We were at her sisters house and I heard my wife say "I am a creature of habit,"    She is a creature of habit. I saw her face in 1987 and it felt like my soul was torn from my body,  When we got hoe that night I asked her how could she forget where she was the night before I returned from a 6 month deployment.  She starts yelling that  I promised not to ask about that again.  I am the beast, asshole for asking where she was and what she was doing.  I asked general questions and expected a simple answer.  I asked her who helped her move.  She said she does not remember.  Another thing that was strange she had been in that apartment for about 4 months.  It was a two bedroom apartment.  She said she had emptied the second bedroom closet for my clothes.  It was empty except for a large men's sweater.  She said that the previous renters must have left it.   Now if I ask about anyone she will scream that she did not fuck...   She screams that I am worried about a dick when she risk her life to have our children.  I went to San Francisco , we lived in San Diego, when she was pregnant.  She stay out late in 1987, we did not begin to have kids until 1993.    At therapy she said that she did not cheat on me.   My wife justify what she does and never apologizes.  One example is we purchased a new pick-up truck.  That was her car because it was new.  At least 5 times I asked for the keys to the truck, because I had not driven it since I drove it home from the dealership.  Each time I asked she would scream "No, my truck and you are not driving it".  One day she same home and said "Eugene said the truck drive nicely".   I asked her why did she let a co-worker drive the truck before she would let me drive it.  She said they drove each others cars all the time.  I know that Eugene would have never allowed my wife to drive his car before his wide did,   I believe that  my wife fucked a guy or guys while I was deployed and she would not believe it was cheating.  I know it was many years ago and even if she admitted to fucking some guy or guys there is no way to unfuck.     I am trying to let go. Our sex life is very limited.  One reason is that when I think about sex with her I get a mental video of my wife fucking some guy and sucking his disk.   In addition, I am on meds that destroys the  sex drive.  If someone had told me 4 years ago I would not want sex, I would have told them they were crazy.   I want to move on but I can get and keep an erection.    If anyone has any suggestions on what I can do to boost my sex drive.   I have ED prescriptions, but they do not work.   I do love my wife and after she said "I am a creature of habit".  I had to consider that she has fucked a guys or guys since we were married, it hits me so hard, but I decided that I could live with it.  What makes more difficult my wife said she has given me enough chances not ask about that night and she is not going to let it go.   I have no idea what she is not letting go of.   For now I will be happy to boost my sex drive and get and keep an erection.    Thank You and Stay Safe