Cheating

[darkhart]

hi there

just wondering if anyone has anything that will help me here...

me and my hubby have been together 4.5 years... he was married before and slept with prostitutes and other womanwhile in his previous marriage and has also cheated on one other girlfriend he was with!

During our relationship there has been no reason fo me to suspect him. havent ever found him messaging a girl he shouldnt have or been somewhere when he sed he was somewhere else but i still CANT get myself to fully trust him. every time he gets a new job or tells me abt someone new at work etc etc i feel like he is going to sleep with them... i worry are they hot? is he attracted? do they want him? etc etc... i check his phone. i try to catch him out... i havent yet...

he knows i am paranoid abt this and from the beginning of our relationship sed that he had been unfaithful in other realtionships but that he had changed and thast our relationship is different. during the 4.5 years we have been together numerous times when i have been paranoid he has stated again and again that he has never even thort abt cheating on me and that he is fully committed to only sleeping with me for the rest of his life.. but why cant i trust him... i am always on guard that as soon as i stop watching where he is going or wat he is doing that he will be tempted.. i smell his clothes to check for perfume... i cant help it.. so many times he sed he was somewhere and i didnt believe him and then i got all upset and assumed he had cheated only to find out that he actually had been where he sed he was...

i know this is stupid and that i am driving myself mad doing this BUT i cant help it...

in a previous relationship i also cheated on my partner and i would never ever do that to my hubby now and havent in the time we have been together... so why why why is this not enough to make me 100% content that he wont either...

i trust him with everything else.. he is my best friend but i jsut cant get over it... its probably my low self esteem, me thinking that i am not worth him being with me and only me or that i am not good enough... but it has been 4.5 years now..

i need to just get over it and trust him and if he cheats then wat will be will be and i will leave.

help???

[Tyger]

Honey, I've BTDT. I married my HS sweetheart knowing FULL well that he'd never been faithful in any relationship, and that he'd probably cheat on me too. We were together 4 yrs, only married, officially, for 9 mos. I had always told him that IF I EVER found PROOF that he had cheated, he'd be gone. And, when I did, he was out the door. No warnings, no second chances.....that was it! I married him cuz of a couple of reasons. One, I had made a promise. I keep them. This was a foolish promise to keep. Two, pride. He had told everyone in his family AND the girl he was with before we got back together, that if he could, he'd get back together with me. That we had a "connection". That connection got severred when his ass cheated. Three, I loved loved loved all his family AND friends!! I just clicked with them all.

Now, you have married a guy that is a confessed cheater. A successful marriage requires trust on both people's parts. You don't seem to have that. No, you're not dumb for feeling this way. But, what you need to try and do is figure out whether or not this is a GUT FEELING, or if you're somehow punishing him for past bad acts on his part.

People have been getting away with cheating for as long as the word Monogamy has been around. Some people discover it, others don't. Some choose to overlook it. There ARE ways of hiding an affair. Now, I'm not saying that he IS having an affair, and I'm not saying that he isn't. But, I AM saying that, since he's an experienced cheater, I'm sure he's learned to cover his tracks over the years. But, if it's a continual behavior, he will mess up, and you'll catch him. It just may take longer.

I'm not a huge comfort, I know. The only person to help you is YOU. And, maybe even a marriage counselor, if you want to continue the marriage. If you've tried and tried to catch him doing something bad, and haven't been able to do so, he's either telling you the truth, or extremely good at covering his tracks. What do you choose to believe? Nagging at him all the time, accusing him of cheating is just opening the doors to divorce court. He'll either get sick of it, and cheat because he's getting accused of it, and may as well do it, or he'll just get tired of having to prove himself to you over and over again. And you coming across that you don't believe him, doesn't show him that you're a wife, more like a babysitter looking to get him in trouble.

As far as your self-esteem, again, only YOU can work on that. Positive thinking may sound a bit cliche', but it really DOES work! Go look in the mirror, and find ONE thing that you REALLY like about yourself. For instance, I LOVE my hair. It's thick, light brown, and wavy. I've always loved how much hair I have. Even if I have a "bad hair day", I tell myself that I am lucky to have this hair to HAVE a bad hair day with! Silver lining to that hairspray cloud! Maybe you have great eyes, nice breasts, a shapely waist, awesome smile, humor, good with math, a sexy walk....whatever. Find one thing you LOVE about yourself. Declare it outloud!!! It's not bragging, it's affirmation. Then, every day, find something good to declare about, out loud. It will help. And, over time, it will show too.

Best wishes!