How Do I Handle This?

[Beavis]

Ok so I have a girlfriend and she is a great girl, tons in common, brother likes me parents not so much but were working on that. Well we've been together for about 5 months gave her a promise ring we're both really happy with each other. Well she changes subjects or want talk to me when I bring up sex. I have a good guess why. Her brother got his girlfriend pregnant and they weren't planning(he didn't bail, theyre getting married in 2010). My problem is do I just not mention sex around her? She said when she moves out then we'll see but I have a feeling even then she will not want to talk about it. I respect her and see why she wouldn't want to, the fear. Could it be that she is treating me like I treat her when she mentions us getting married? I meen when she brings it up I ask her can we worry about moving in together first? or thats still a ways off. She asked once if I wanted to marry her and I said I hadn't thought that far ahead but it would be nice.

[mystofpric]

Well first off, and this is just my opinion, but 5 months is way to soon to be moving in together. Secondly, is this the girl you were planning on moving in with before, the young one? You need to sit down and have a heart to heart because the sex thing should be settled BEFORE you move in together IMO. When yo live together, people expect things, unless your just roommates.

Yeah it sucks to see someone have an "opps", but that seems a bit extra to not even talk abnout sex so there might be something more going on. She may have issues or experiences that prevent her from wanting a sexual relationship, maybe she's still a virgin, the possibilities are endless.

As always don't frame anything in a negitive way, just tell her that you want to see her happy and that you want to understand her point of view because her thoughts and feelings are important. If she still says she doesn't want to talk about it, let it go but realize that the issue would have to be bigger than her brother becoming a daddy.

Also, 20-somethings i know, who have only been witha guy for 5 months, don't talk about marriage in a serious way. They might talk about how in love they are and how this is teh one but they don't normally talk marriage, promise ring or no, nor do they hold it against a guy when he turns teh subject. That's a big clingy thing to do.

[Guest eminatic]

does the promise ring hold some sort of different meaning over there? where i'm from a promise ring symbolizes a promise to NOT have sex until marriage.

and whatever you do, don't push her. if she doesnt feel comfortable then leave it be.

[ToyQueen]

does the promise ring hold some sort of different meaning over there? where i'm from a promise ring symbolizes a promise to NOT have sex until marriage.

Where I am, a promise ring is a promise to be together---kind of a precursor to an engagement ring.

[Beavis]

Suzy) Ok I will talk to her, she is a virgin. It could be somewhere along the lines of being the last kid and daddy's little girl. I'm not judging, it's cause I'm not well educated but it could be something with her religion. Ok I will see if she will tell her feelings on it. I did leave out that when she doesn't want to talk about it she just says idk. Ok so I'm glad to hear she isn't holding it against me.

Eminatic) when I gave her the promise ring I told her it's a promise of my love. You're thinking of abstinence rings. Maybe they do hold different meens or I got the meening wrong but I thought promise rings were to symbolize love and commitment to the other.

[mystofpric]

Suzy) Ok I will talk to her, she is a virgin. It could be somewhere along the lines of being the last kid and daddy's little girl. I'm not judging, it's cause I'm not well educated but it could be something with her religion. Ok I will see if she will tell her feelings on it. I did leave out that when she doesn't want to talk about it she just says idk. Ok so I'm glad to hear she isn't holding it against me.

Eminatic) when I gave her the promise ring I told her it's a promise of my love. You're thinking of abstinence rings. Maybe they do hold different meens or I got the meening wrong but I thought promise rings were to symbolize love and commitment to the other.

Ahhh, well if she's still got her v-card than she's probably scared as much as it's "morally" unacceptable to her, i used quotes just cause I'm not sure her stand point. That makes a lot of sense. And since you did give her a promise ring and you are both young and probably not in teh position finacially to get married, I'd doubt she's holding it against you. If she is, run, run for the hills!

[Beavis]

Thanks TQ. That's what I thought.

LOL I can run for the hills just which way to the mountains or hills on the planes? LOL LOL JK. SO she probably doesn't want to think about giving up her v-card? I understand. I will back off. No, defiantly not financially ready and we want to have our college degrees first. That way we can focus on school and then the wedding(if it's gets to that).

[mystofpric]

Thanks TQ. That's what I thought.

LOL I can run for the hills just which way to the mountains or hills on the planes? LOL LOL JK. SO she probably doesn't want to think about giving up her v-card? I understand. I will back off. No, defiantly not financially ready and we want to have our college degrees first. That way we can focus on school and then the wedding(if it's gets to that).

Which is a definitely smart way to go about it. She may be teasing you with talk of marriage to gauge your reaction and there for your intentions.

As far as sex, you don't have o back off completely, and definitely have that talk but just let her know that you want to knwo where the line is so you don't cross it because you dont want her to be uncomfortable. And hey, I know some damn slutty virgins out there!

[Beavis]

Thanks. Oh! ok wow didn't think of that. That might be true. That's some serious food for thought. Ok so find out where the line is at? I can do that. Oh I want her to be happy and comfortable at all times(thats my biggest concern with her).

[ToyQueen]

Thanks. Oh! ok wow didn't think of that. That might be true. That's some serious food for thought. Ok so find out where the line is at? I can do that. Oh I want her to be happy and comfortable at all times(thats my biggest concern with her).

Korn, her telling you "I don't know" is her way of telling you she is not comfortable with the conversation. PLEASE don't push this girl. You are already on questionable terms with her parents, and if you push her, it will not help your case.

[Beavis]

Ok thanks TQ. Ok I won't push her. Thanks.

I still don't get why her parents dislike me. We haven't met. I said hi to her mom this past July 4th but that's it.

[ladylove]

Ok thanks TQ. Ok I won't push her. Thanks.

I still don't get why her parents dislike me. We haven't met. I said hi to her mom this past July 4th but that's it.

I'll tell you why....

Her parents see you a a threat. She's young and has to much life to live first. The two of you have moved way to fast (parent perspective) for this relationship to be healthy. And lastly it's your hormones that are doing the talking not your minds. This is what I'd be thinking and saying to my daughter, maybe a little gentler though. Quit frankly, I would not want my daughter tied down at the tender age of 19. I do not want my son tied down, and he's 23. Have a boy friend you love to be with in every way but just take it one day at a time. Do not make commitments now, your just beginning to find out who your going to be, and what life has in store for you. And lastly, what looks good at 19 doesn't always look good at 40.

I'm being brutally honest, but it's just how I would feel if it were my daughter or son.

[Beavis]

Thanks LL but I need to tell all of it. We weren't dating back on the 4th. we didn't start until august. They don't know that were dating. She hides the ring. I found out after I made that post why her parents dislike me. Her religious beliefs and raising are that of LDS(Mormon). I'm not dis-respecting the religion or being negative I'm just saying that I now know how her ways are and understand what's going on. I stepped out of bounds with her parents.

I talked with my girlfriend and told her that I now know how she feels about it and she said it's her dad that hates me. He's very strict and takes things way to far. She told me he picks her friends.

[ToyQueen]

Thanks LL but I need to tell all of it. We weren't dating back on the 4th. we didn't start until august. They don't know that were dating. She hides the ring. I found out after I made that post why her parents dislike me. Her religious beliefs and raising are that of LDS(Mormon). I'm not dis-respecting the religion or being negative I'm just saying that I now know how her ways are and understand what's going on. I stepped out of bounds with her parents.

I talked with my girlfriend and told her that I now know how she feels about it and she said it's her dad that hates me. He's very strict and takes things way to far. She told me he picks her friends.

She hides the ring??? And her parents don't know you are dating? Sweetie, you really need to re-think this whole situation.

[synirr]

She hides the ring??? And her parents don't know you are dating?

Yeaaaah... that's bound to end well.

[ladylove]

If she's hiding the ring, she's not making any kind of commitment to you or your supposed relationship. She's playing.

[mystofpric]

If she's hiding the ring, she's not making any kind of commitment to you or you supposed relationship. She's playing.

Agreed. Which, in light of this fact, might also explain why she won't discuss sex, it seems like a bit of a game to me. If you really want to be with her, and she says it's her parents standing in the way. PLay by her parents rules. Sit down with her father and have an old fashioned talk, expect a shotgun to be lying around ( ) and explain your "intentions" with his daughter. If you win over the parents and she still doesn't step up to the plate i'd be doing some deep thinking about who is really in teh relationship.

[Beavis]

Did the last sentence of my last post fall on deaf ears he picks her friends. He went as far as kicking her half brother out of their house and she has to address him by his first name. He even has a daughter who he sent to live in Iowa. How the hell do I a Catholic get her protective Mormon father to like me enough so we can date with them knowing? This is worse than with my ex, her parents already liked me as her friend. I'm starting of with dislike. I want to but IDK how to. She told me once shes 21 her dad can't stop her. Got any pointers?

[synirr]

You could try talking to the man, for starters.

[ToyQueen]

Did the last sentence of my last post fall on deaf ears he picks her friends. He went as far as kicking her half brother out of their house and she has to address him by his first name. He even has a daughter who he sent to live in Iowa. How the hell do I a Catholic get her protective Mormon father to like me enough so we can date with them knowing? This is worse than with my ex, her parents already liked me as her friend. I'm starting of with dislike. I want to but IDK how to. She told me once shes 21 her dad can't stop her. Got any pointers?

Honey, she is over 18, and he can't pick her friends. She chooses to let this happen... I happen to be a VERY protective Mormon mother, and my kids have always been able to choose their own friends. This sounds like an excuse to me...

[ladylove]

Honey, she is over 18, and he can't pick her friends. She chooses to let this happen... I happen to be a VERY protective Mormon mother, and my kids have always been able to choose their own friends. This sounds like an excuse to me...

I here you K, but I agree with ToyQueen, she allows it. She is over 18 and needs to be proactive for herself. Trust me I know what I'm talking about, I grew up with a VERY overprotective european father. The situation is not a new one. If she doesn't start standing up for herself now, I would have many questions..........

Have you talked to your family about it? They maybe very helpful.

[Guest eminatic]

being raised in a strict household, and having friends with parents even more strict than mine, i can say the fact that shes hiding the ring doesnt necessarily mean shes playing. her parents may forbid her from having a relationship (and being 18 has nothing to do with it. if you live under your parents' roof they make the rules, end of story) and she is afraid of what will happen if they find out.

still i dont think the relationship will go well unless she has an open discussion with her parents.

[Beavis]

Ok, well I'm going to sit down with her dad then go from there with her. LMFAO, tell my parents? I would if I want my mom to ruin it. My mom thinks I only date girls to have sex. I told her several times mom I'm not like that and she just replies, I'm not stupid I know how kids your age are. I was your age too you know, and I know that once you two starting getting hot and heavy that you won't be able to resist and you will have sex. I'm not stupid. It's best I just remain single in my mom's eye.

Now I'm not saying the adults are wrong and that I'm going to ignore you ladies but thank you EM. You see how it is. Yes she could she could be playing me but don't shoot down the idea that she could having to hide it. From what I'm seeing her dad wants her to be with someone of LDS faith. I might be wrong, IDK. I will have both of us have an open discussion with her parents, separate of course.

Oh just something I would like to point out some of us have parents that as long as you give them what they want you can go do what ever you want to. Like I'm banned from one of my friends but I just tell my mom I'm going to so and so's and she believes me, when I'm going to my friends house and I'm not suppose to be hanging with him. My parents big rule is you live under our roof we pay the bills so you will do what we say or you can find a new place to live.

[synirr]

My parents were super overprotective, and while not particularly strict per se, I never really confronted them about their rules while I lived under their roof. I know what it's like. It's not only fear of punishment, when you have parents like that you're terrified of disappointing them. I didn't really get out from under that until I moved out, and to this day they still don't know about all my tattoos/piercings, among other things. I'm so conditioned to doing what they say and hiding it when I don't that I still actively hide these things, even at 23.

That said, you can be sure I hid several relationships from them when I was younger, and I can tell you from personal experience that that shit just doesn't work out. Hiding it doesn't necessarily mean she's playing, but it does mean than she, and probably even you, are too immature for a serious relationship. I'm not saying don't enjoy it while it lasts, and I'm not saying that you shouldn't try to make it work... by all means, do. All I'm saying is that unless the situation changes, it's not going anywhere longterm. If you're not ready to admit to your parents that you're in a relationship, you're not ready for a relationship. It needs to be something you can be proud of and open about.

[mystofpric]

Now I'm not saying the adults are wrong and that I'm going to ignore you ladies but thank you EM. You see how it is. Yes she could she could be playing me but don't shoot down the idea that she could having to hide it. From what I'm seeing her dad wants her to be with someone of LDS faith. I might be wrong, IDK. I will have both of us have an open discussion with her parents, separate of course.

As far as the religion thing goes IDK. The rules thing though, at 23 even if your in school, you should have a job and be standing on your own two feet for MOST things. If not, then honestly, stop talking marriage your not ready for even a slightly serious relationship. If you can't take care of yourself first then why think you can take care of someone else?

And, yes, I do think that hidng a PROMISE RING (a promise of love yes? and isn't part of that promise not be ashamed of your love?) which is a commitment and a fairly serious one is playing you. If you were just dating and working up to a serious commitment, then okay. But the second you gave her that ring she needed to step up to the plate too. Instead, she's hiding from her dad, which is also a big red. If she can hide something like this from her parents what can she hide from you? Even if she's not playing you she's building this relationship on deception. Talk to her parents. If she still isn't 100%in it, wearing tehr ing proudly and not hiding from anyone. Forget it, the relationship is toast.