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Today Shall Be A Good Day



i havent really done much blogging before but i thought i might give it a shot, i'm sure my rambling thoughts become tiresome to my friends but here it doesnt matter, i can write to my hearts content

i love this site, the people actually have a passion or interest in what they are talking about, which really should be the backbone of any good forum and such

i feel so stressed lately and im not quite sure the cause, yesterday was just....i cant even put my finger on it, everything felt up in the air and undure and that makes me so nervous its frustrating
i got a new car recently, stick shift and i have finally gotten to the point where i can drive it to school, still scarey in my opinion but i need to so i can afford to drive (this car gets like 26-30 to the gallon while my other car got 15 to the gallon at best ugh)
being unable to find release via orgasm does seem to invade my mind, ive always been the friend in my groups who knows more than anyone else about sex, and im proud of that, becuase then i can teach my friends that sex is beautiful and being sexual is not wrong at all, but healthy

i feel i am good in pleasing men, but dont know how to let go so they can please me, im a control freak in some ways, with time especially and my body, i was into meditation for a while and was really interested in learning how to control the body better with the mind, such as diminishing the feeling of pain, im very good at turning off my ticklish spots, which i find funny to watch my SO become frustrated seeing that he is so ticklish himself, he is so sweet and patient

but i wonder if in doing that adn keeping my body in such a tight check, that i have made myself to uptight and too controlled to really let go, im afraid of what might happen, what embarrasments could come with it that of course only i would be embarrased about cause he wouldnt even care lol
im one in the millions of woman battling depression, this also was my other reason to keep myself in check, if i let my mind go it will want to cause harm to my body, my imagination is quite vivid and can get carried away, i hate depression so much, its frustrating meeting those new poeple when ur in a bout or a rut and they just cant....let it go that ur sad, and cant seem to understand why
we just cant help it, we try with every ounce of our beings, but we reach a wall of beautiful sadness that we cant seem to bring ourselves to climb

ack anways, i go on tangents ALOT! lol all these things seem to come together to provide this frustration and stress that just settles on my chest, like yesterday, it proves to cause panic attacks and an unclear head, and i try to let everything out in every way i can even mastrubation but even that seems to only hit it half way, if that makes sense

idk, it festers my mind, and is especially apparent in my dreams, ugh i hate dreams most times, i have so many at least one or two a night that i can remember vaguely or quite well

well i cant seem to think for now,my thoughts are too jumbled and ive written alot already lol

toodles for now rolleyes.gif


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