sam85

Toy Queen, My wife has mentioned the same exact thing as far as her sense of smell goes. Apparently it's not that uncommon in your profession. She seems to be trying to keep her awareness up. Deven, I can't date the other one because she is a compulsive liar with tons of baggage from previous relationships that cause her to be very manipulative and capricious (and a cheater). I like stability. She ain't it. All, Thanks for the replies. I'm trying to keep an open mind and use this months therapy as constructively as possible. We'll see where it goes.

Tyger, I give her more time to herself than I get, which is something considering I work about 50 hours a week. I make sure I am available on a regular basis (4 to 5 times a week for at least a couple of hours to the whole day) even not living there to give her time away from the kids. I also have made our life so that she can work as little as she wants (if at all). I am involved with our son's programs as much as she is. He doesn't require alot of extra attention throughout the day, but I am "there" more than most Dads. I also try to get her to play in the shower or tub, but sex isn't on her mind until bedtime (unlike me). Then it's "I'm too tired for a shower". The issues "down there" aren't medical I don't think. She's a nurse and should be aware of that stuff. Menopause occurred to me, but she's 44 and in pretty decent shape. She doesn't think menopause is an issue, and I tend to believe her because this mis-match in drive has been around for quite awhile. I've made a point of getting all my "issues" out in the open since last fall, so we have talked about ALL this stuff. She has told me that she shouldn't have to change because she didn't have a problem. She says I provided everything she needed and then some and all she wanted was for me to be happy. What she doesn't understand is that her interaction with me has alot to do with my happiness. She NEVER initiates sex and complains if I try to flirt and play with her before the evening hours. She is hesitant to do the most basic things that I like (oral, hands, anything different). She doesn't get any satisfaction from pleasing me (I find it a HUGE turn-on when I know I'm "pushing the right buttons" for her or any partner). She is not very responsive no matter what and says that's just how she is (which is true from my experience). I try to tell her to relax and let go and let me take care of all her needs, but she seems so inhibited and closed and unenthusiastic. I feel like I just blend into the background and it makes me feel unwanted and undesirable and unreasonable for wanting more. Now that she is making a small effort, I feel guilty because the years of suppressed feelings have taken their toll and I feel like it's my fault that I can't just accept the effort and compromise again. This therapy is my last hope (if there is any).

Thanks folks. I appreciate the responses. I haven't moved back in since I first left just because I wasn't sure it would work and didn't want to confuse the kids more. They both had real good school years despite the change of me leaving and have adapted to seeing me "the new" way they do. I'm still VERY involved with their school work (and lives in general). About the grooming issues. I was made to feel unreasonable and called "Felix" (you know, the neat freak on the "Odd Couple" TV show) for years because there were/are things that always bothered me. I work out, eat right, shower twice a day when I work out, groom down there (as well as shave most lower body hair because I'm an avid cyclist) and wear decent clothes and cologne. I have all my teeth and get them cleaned regularly as well as use mints and gum. I eat onions sparingly if at all. In short, I'm not asking for anything I don't already do. All the things Mikayla touched on are issues. She now wears a bit more make-up, does shower more (though not daily), and has trimmed down there a bit. My biggest issues are her "odor" and her lack of enthusiasm/responsiveness/initiation. The odor thing can cause me to go limp almost instantaneously. I hate to liken it to something out of respect to her, but I know it ain't right. I don't look forward to touching or licking down there at all (but I do and do it enthusiastically to try and jump start her). I don't crave her physically on any level. Other married people tell me that's how it is, but I'm a very physical person and can't just shut it off anymore. After my experience with "L", it's even worse. "L" kept things in order. She had her own scent (that absolutely drove me to almost painful engorgement ), but not an "odor". I couldn't wait to put my tongue on her ANYWHERE because I knew things were taken care of. In the course of an hour or so, we would bring each other to 3 or 4 orgasms each in pretty much a different way each time (ie: oral, hands, insertion etc.). Now, in the same amount of time with the wife, one each ("conventionally") is the standard (and leaves me unsatisfied, thinking of how much I miss "L" in that way). We've got another month of therapy left and these are the issues I'm pushing. I don't know what more to do, but I need to know all possible fixes have been attempted before I can leave permanently. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but my family and friends all tell me I'm wrong to "throw everything away" because of my intimacy needs (physical and all related emotional). UPDATE: As I was typing, Howard answered (thanks to you as well), so I feel obliged to reply. The kids are 9 and 7. My 7 year old is handicapped, which adds to my guilt issues about leaving and could have been the precipitating event in my wife's life, although she's always been emotionally detatched and not sexual. We got together when I was 21 and she was 29. I had only been in one other relationship in my life. She is a great partner if chemistry isn't needed. We had some at one point (I think), though our physical relationship was always lacking and I substituted with work and riding my bike. You can't want sex after 80 miles in the mountains of Maine (WRONG!). I thought it would "fix itself". My only other serious relationship was pretty physical. One thing my therapy has brought out is that I am a "pleaser and peacekeeper" and have compromised my needs and wants for many years in the hopes of her reciprocation. Make any sense?

Poor hygiene (breath included), and lack of enthusiasm or femininity. HUGE turn-offs!

Last Fall, after 12+ years of marriage (and 2 kids), my wife and I separated. For the previous 2+ years, I had been trying to get her to help me fix our problems and was told "it's all in your imagination". A major problem was our non-existant sex life and the things generated by our lack of intimacy (emotional and physical). We were more like co-workers than friends or lovers. I was told that I wanted "too much" (more than twice a month was alot). She had no enthusiasm no matter what I tried. I was reading this board constantly to find stuff to do (and buy) for "us". I even posted once asking for advice. Nothing was good enough. She was just a very closed person by nature. After I left, I would go "visit" the house and kids 4 to 5 times a week and try to get her to want to work on things, but she wouldn't even look at me. It was over as far as she was concerned because I left. After about a month (feeling quite lonely), I got involved with a woman (I'll call her "L") who was amazingly compatible with me. She and I connected deeply on all the levels my wife and I hadn't (and better on the ones we had). The physical side of our relationship was like nothing I'd ever known. I felt like I'd finally met my equal as far as drive, enthusiasm, personal hygiene (may sound odd, but my wife didn't take care of herself and that was a major frustration) and desire. We couldn't get enough of each other physically. I've never felt something so "primal" and instinctive. I'd never been so satisfied! We had 3 great months together, but she lied to me a few times and she lost my trust. I still see her and talk to her occasionally, and the chemistry is still strong. She wants me back and says she would do anything to get me back. Not really an option, though. Can't do it without trust, and that ship sailed. Back when we ("L" and I) were still involved, I told my wife because I didn't want her to find out second hand. When she found out, she suddenly wanted to try and fix our marriage. We had already started divorce mediation and were close to a court date. Long story short; when I parted from "L", I figured "why not try once more?". After a few months of varying success (including couples therapy), I find that I do love her, but I am not excited by her. The connection/contentment I felt with "L" just towers over anything my wife and I seem to generate. While she is now trying to change, she is extremely resistant because she was happy with the old life. I find myself not very attracted to her at all. She takes a bit better care of herself (still not enough hygienically), dresses a little nicer, but still has very little sex drive or enthusiasm. She's not very feminine or seductive, and feels no desire to please me physically or connect emotionally. She still gets angry with me when I try to communicate with her about my needs even though I do it as the therapist tells us to. I feel like I have to choose between being with my kids and financial security, but no real meaningful connection; or going through with the divorce in the hopes of finding something more fulfilling. We get along fine, but all we do is "get along". There's no spark. Then I'll have a memory of "L" and just miss the way that "connection" felt. Why can't there be both "get along" and "connection"? Any thoughts are appreciated. Thanks for "listening".

As usual Howard, you are very thorough in your advice and I appreciate that. We have talked (over the last year). I've been the one to initiate and pursue (tactfully and at her leisure) these discussions. We've opened up quite a bit and actually tried a lot of new stuff, but she's still tentative. Her "off the cuff" answer is "you'll get what you want and want to go to sleep..." which has never happened. She seems to think I can't go again for some reason. I have no health problems and just as much drive as I had at 18. I work out regularly and am well groomed. I watch my diet (both for health and to get plenty of pineapple and watermelon just in case). I just don't understand it. I've bought her a couple of toys, but haven't had the chance to give them to her yet. They are things she has expressed interest in, so maybe that will open a door or 2. Meanwhile, she averages 2 to 3 O's to my one every time we are together (but who's counting?). Frustrating!

I wish my wife would oral me to one before we really get going. Used to have a GF that would, and afterwards, she would average 4 or 5 O's before my 2nd cumming. I enjoyed it immensely both times, as I like oral ALOT, and enjoy satisfying my SO multiple times as well. Was a win-win situation. Now I'm lucky to get oral once a year. That doesn't stop me though. I still love giving mulitples any way I can...