NsearchofO

Thanks for the reply Howard, I think you know what you're talking about! FYI, my current relationship is not my husband, I'm not married. I'm dating someone new. It seems logical to have this problem due to sexual abuse and any counselor I've ever seen has always asked me about that when I mention the orgasm issue, BUT there is NO sexual abuse in my past, only some pretty serious emotional abuse by men. My mother (a narcissist) emotionally neglected me as a child and was emotionally unavailable. My father was a light hearted, adult child and completely controlled by my mother. He never abused me. Unless I've blocked it out! I don't suspect that, but I guess it's not impossible. I suspect that due to the emotional neglect, I know I grew up with the feeling that I didn't DESERVE to be loved and think that carries over to unconscious feelings of not deserving pleasure either. I'm not much of a taker in life, or sex, and really enjoy pleasuring a man, but have a hard time receiving long enough to allow myself to orgasm. I feel deserving of love and certainly want the pleasure of an orgasm with a man, just have to figure out how to push myself over that cliff. I have been at the top of the cliff for several years now and have to find a way to jump off! A few years ago I was finally able to masterbate to orgasm in the presence of a man, albeit while he was sleeping, but still a big hurdle for me! I made sure he heard me when I came and of course it was a big turn on for him and I felt just a little bit more free having done it. Baby steps I suppose... I've considered hypnosis as a way to de-program the fears that hold me back and have looked into self-hypnosis to learn it myself, but am still learning. Howard, you offer good advice about the breathing...I am aware that I get too aroused and my breathing gets out of control and I have to slow down. I will practice the conscious breathing you describe and maybe a little more laughter too. I do know that the times when we are laughing I'm certainly not worried about my orgasm and that's the goal! Don't worry about it and it will happen!

Hi, I'm new here and joined due to this exact problem. Why do so many women have to suffer from this??? I'm SOOOOOO sick of it, but just cannot seem to overcome it. I'm going to vent for a moment, bear with me..... I KNOW it's all in my head. I have no physical problem. I masterbate often and have no problems doing so on my own and can do so in front of a partner. I have a voracious sexual appetite, love sex, and get very very aroused with a partner, but always reach a stopping point. I have become skilled at being a great lover and getting a guy off and I KNOW that I distract him away from my orgasm by getting him off instead! This only works for a short while and then they want to focus on my orgasm and I'm screwed because it seems that no amount of skill on his part or desire on my part is gonna make it happen and I always find a way to "wiggle" away from a technique that's just about to make me come! Slowly but surely it hurts him and I am disappointed in myself once again and ask myself, "why can't I just let it go?" Of course the more pressure I put on myself and the more he NEEDS me to come, the harder it is to relax!! It's a viscous circle that never ends. I know that I get scared right before I come when with a partner. I feel vulnerable and for some reason this scares me. I have no trouble with intimate lovemaking and I'm a very passionate lover, but something about the intimacy and vulnerability of sharing my orgasm with a partner just stops me cold. Yes, there is some emotional abuse in my background and that is what originally caused this irrational fear. I've done lots of "work" on myself, personal and professional over the years to help get over this stuff and I feel great and am doing great in all other aspects of my life, except for this one thing that is no small thing at all as far as how it affects a relationship. Right now I'm in a new relationship after not having had sex for almost a year. We are having great sex and my anxiety level is rising because I just want to have a freakin orgasm and put this behind me! In the last couple of years I have experimented with faking orgasms, which I never did before. I don't feel good about it. It's just a band-aid and I can't live like that and don't want to lie to my partner. I'd rather pull all my teeth than tell another guy that I've never had an orgasm with a partner. Enough of that. Is there any women out there with this problem that solved it with a particular mantra that they say to themselves when the time comes? I TRY to say positive things to myself in the moments that I'm getting close....Maybe I'm just trying too hard or expecting too much, but how do you REALLY just relax and let it happen after a lifetime of not being able to do that??? Thanks for listening NsearchofO

Hello, I'm new here and looking to commiserate and learn with other women determined to get past the elusive "O" issue. IT'S GOT TO GO! I've enjoyed what I've read here so far and like the site!