AuricWolf

Hi 1guy, I concur, for the most part. My wife is the only lady I've been with, and we've been together for 8 years now, but I've been doing my best to pay close attention to her feelings, body language, etc. What I've learned from her is that her sex drive is directly proportionate to her feelings of "connectedness" with me. The more distanced she feels from me, the less her desire to make love. Arguments, particularly the kind where harsh words are spoken in speak-before-you-think scenarios, will drive an emotional wedge between the two of you, regardless of how physical you may be. Try to remember that while actions speak louder than words, you have to be angry or frustrated to say mean things to begin with, which sends mixed signals to her. This seems to be the reason why she's defensive--she figures that if you're doing something nice for her, it's because you expect something in return. A key part of having a healthy relationship with an emotionally sensitive woman is to be nurturing when their emotions run rampant. In "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" by Dr. John Gray, it gave me a good idea as to some of the hidden meanings in some of the things my wife says, how to read her body language more accurately, etc. In the book "Aikido In Everyday Life" by Terry Dobson and Victor Miller, it later talks about how using Aiki, or Confluence, when presented with a potentially hostile scenario can dramatically alter the outcome. The reason for this is because when people confront you in such a way, they're usually hurt, scared, or angry (or a combination of these and other feelings). Don't let those feelings run rampant. Bring that person back to center, to balance, and help them calm down (for instance, if she says, "I think you're a worthless piece of sh!t," substitute "how DARE you say that to me" or "Oh yeah? How much do YOU do around here" with "I don't blame you. Why do you feel that way?"). Bottom line here is this: You can't argue with feelings. They may be based on incorrect facts, but that doesn't make the feelings invalid or worthless. If you attack or try to diffuse the feelings themselves, she'll just feel attacked and that you don't care. Figure out what's causing those feelings. If there's a fire, you spray the extinguisher at the base of the fire, not at the peak of the flames. Granted, that can open a whole slew of interesting things, but the important message to get across to her is that you love her and want to talk to her about it. You don't want to argue with her, but perhaps to explain to her that the removal of sex from your relationship seems to relate more to the removal of its overall depth; not just the physical aspect, which to you may signify a lack of trust, or the growth of resentment. Tell her you're not there to argue about sex, because at the core, you don't give a crap about that. What you care about is what's bothering her and keeping her distant from you. Something that did eventually help with my situation, though, was patience. I actually stopped talking about sex altogether with my wife for a while, and resorted to masturbation (sometimes 8x a day, depending). Even bought a masturbation sleeve to add to the fun. Later, she asked why we didn't talk about it anymore, and why I didn't want her anymore. It didn't take much for me to tell her that I wanted her all the time, but she didn't seem interested, and seemed to get upset whenever I talked about it. As I don't want to cause any additional stress, I figured she'd come around when she was in the mood. By this time, just the thought of being able to have sex with my wife again would have me fully erect, and a quick redirection of her hand to my crotch would support my words very well. I may be way off, but that's my two cents. Sorry for the rant. I hope it helped to some measure. Anyone else have any ideas? This, too, shall pass. Take care, AuricWolf