Smile4Me

Thanks so much Dadt, those are very encouraging words! I've already noticed a bigger sense of peace just in his demeanor; it's kind of like our talk took a huge monkey off his back and now he can relax. He smiled at me today during his lunch break, and I almost didn't remember how handsome he was when he smiles. I guess my marital pressures were only fueling the psychological stress of feeling like a "failure" at work, and brought them home too. I interested to see where things go now, assuming we are on the same page with one another. I had some humbling realizations last night; I realize how unsuportive I was of his pain. Everytime he came home to "bitch about another bad day" I would just roll my eyes and say "nothing you can do about it" which was far from encouraging I'm sure. Now that I know what eats him up, I can at least do my best wrap a bandage around his wounds. I guess this is why I felt our emotional bond was good; I feel like if we had any emotional problems in our marriage, swinging would have destroyed us a long time ago. (Sad but very true). Just the fact that we were able to level with each other, and that he was able to show me a softer side of a rather arrogant marine I've learned to know and love, makes me confident that we could survive some brutal blows. Your feedback is always appreciated, Dadt. As for everyone else, please add your thoughts too! Everyone here has helped me look at the big picture and figure out what was behind this loss of intimacy, and for that I am very grateful! I only wish I had friends like that close by. Have a great afternoon everyone

Hello everyone!! Thanks so much for the warm welcome, you guys are truly a great group of folks!

All I can say is WOW DADT!!! I'll say "something to think about" I was so enlightened by what you said that I shared it with my hubby this afternoon when he got home from work, and it turned into one of the most productive, if not theraputic conversations we've ever had. He was shocked that someone he didn't know had pegged him and his situation so well; especially a deep-seeded issue that even he couldn't adequately come to terms with on his own. It was almost a bitter-sweet experience, as I didn't know he was so unhappy to begin with, I never knew that hating your job could be so influential on your personal life, especially to the point that it changed his overall perspective on life and relationships (sexually and otherwise). I don't want to write you guys a novel, so I'll highlight: He's a junior-enlisted marine, and he's 10lbs overweight...not sure if anyone knows, but that is OBESE according to the Marines. Day in and day out, he is criticized and undermined, because a "fat" marine, is not worthy of respect. Now this isn't NEW NEWS to me, I know it must hurt him to be in a job built on superficial monotony, and be the so-called black-sheep of his unit; I'm here every afternoon when he needs someone to vent to. I NEVER EVER realized how much of an impact this had on him, not until this evening. He described his job in the Marines as a life-sucking force that he couldn't escape. The more I think about it, the more I feel like, hell, I wouldn't be the same humble and loving individual either. Think about it, if you had a job where your extra 10lbs was sitting between you and your next promotion, and the hard work you put in every day is reduced to nothing because of how you look in your uniform, opening up to someone sexually would only allow you to become even more vulnerable. I feel horrible for not looking at the big picture, but at least I know why he's so different today, than he was when I married him. I just wish I could fix it for him. I wish everyone else saww him for what a fantastic person he is; but then again, he's my best friend for a reason. Not to get all mushy on you guys, but it was a very emotional conversation! He opened up to me in a way I've never seen him do, and all because of you DADT! I now have the piece of mind that it's not just ME. Much thanks to everyone who contributed to my question, and DADT...you rock; I deem you DR. DADT (you should seriously consider being a shrink, if you haven't already LOL!!)

Thanks again Mikayla and Lil-Librarian. Honestly, the "maybe he's just not that into you" thing has been the prime concern here. He claims that I am beautiful to him and that he is very sexually attracted to me. Of course that would be the default answer for most guys who would like to stay out of the dog house!! LOL To be perfectly honest, I've even brought up divorce!! It has come up in our conversations, because it isn't just me that notices this lack of chemistry (for lack of better terms). Everytime I tell him that he isn't giving me what I need and that I feel sex is a pivotal part of marriage, he blows me off, saying "I'm sorry babe, I'm trying, I'm so tired all the time..." and blah-blah-blah. It's like this whole burden had fallen on my shoulders, he doesn't sexually desire ME, so I have to spice things up, and I have to fix this and that, and he just gets to sit back. Frankly, I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one putting forth effort. I thought maybe it was just a difference in sex drives, but honestly, how many 23 yr old men do you know have a problem with desire? UGHH....thanks for letting me vent guys, hopefully you understand my frustration. Mikayla, I can't speak for him when I say why we married, but I married because he WAS the best person I had ever met, and I wanted to see the world with him by my side. Our chemistry used to be unmatching, but something changed along the way. I just have to put my finger on it.

LMAO!!! Tyger, that had to be one of the most hilarious reviews on a product that I have EVER READ. Just the "4 outta 4 paws, a tail swish, bark arch, and loud puurrrrrr" were enough to sell me! LOL!! THanks so much for recommending this toy, it sounds PURRFECT

Thanks guys!!Both of these look like FUN!!! I will definitely be looking at the reviews, and might buy one too!! Thanks guys, if you think of anything else, please by all means, share! Thanks Sam (SMILE4ME)

IHA--I wanted to add one more thing. I completely agree with your opinion that maybe we didn't wait long enough before opening that door; I think that the door was opened initially because we both realized that marrying too young is a mistake many couples (especially military couples) make. I think opening the marriage initially was a way for us both to sew our wild oats, and in that aspect, it has been successful. The threats of cheating and jealousy are just not there, because neither one of us resents having to be with the same person sexually. Do you get what I'm shooting for?

First of all, thanks to EVERYONE for their input, It has been enlightening hearing your replies. Dadt: to answer your questions, we really get along great in regular day to day life. He is definitely NOT the same humble, sweet man I married, and I can't help but contribute that to his government job. He works 60hrs a week every week and comes home each day more and more resentful of his job and the disrespect he receives on a daily basis. Part of me thinks things will be better when he seperates from the military this summer; I know what those guys go through, and I try to be as supportive as I can. There is part of me that still believes I should come first, no matter how naive that may be in reality. I don't usually get angry with him about the lack of sex, but I do try and talk to him about it, and he says the more I talk to him the more he feels like a failure, because the desire to have sex PERIOD is not there ( why do I find this ironic?) Going back to the swinging lifestyle; we took a long (about 8 months) break from the lifestyle, just to have some us time, and it seems like things just got worst during that time. We are very open when it comes to telling each other how we feel, so the communication is there, it's just not bringing about change. He says that the thing that draws him to the lifestyle is the change of scenery and being able to explore sex with other people without any need of emotional investment, which I completely and totally agree with. I would love to be in a monogomous marriage again, and he knows this, but it's almost like an altimatum---he gets to taste the rainbow or I suffer through a sex-less marriage. Iha, Mikayla, and Lil-Librarian: All of you have touched on topics I've thought about consistently for the last year. I'm sure all of you see me as a young, naive girl who is basically contributing to her own future divorce, but hear me out, as I am on the same page with you. I have tried so many things, I pick his brain and try to find what really turns him on, and I know I've delivered on every level I can possibly imagine. Our friends (both monogomous, and lifestyle friends) all see us as this really secure couple, which to the naked eye would seem the case, because like I said earlier, our emotional bond feels strong. All other areas of our relationship are good; we can talk to each other about anything, we are both very affectionate and loving, and we always take the time to tell each other how much we mean to one another. It is as if sex only takes away from the perfect relationship we COULD have if it just wasn't a part of anything to begin with!! Strange huh?? I'm thinking back-asswards actually. Swinging really seems to be the only thing keeping what little sexual relationship we do have going; and well, not to sound selfish, it's the only way I can get satisfied. The 15 min sack-sessions once on the weekend where he appears to want to go to sleep or go for a run are probably the biggest turnoff imaginable, I can't help but be displaced from the whole experience. If we didn't swing, I'd probably go crazy from sexual frustration; masturbation and being able to have sex with other men and women are only ways I keep my sanity anymore it seems! Hopefully this gives a little more insight into our situation, your replies really help so please keep them coming!!!

Ok, so I apologize ahead of time if this is long-winded, but I've just got to get it out and get some unbiased peer-review on the topic! Let me start with some background info, then I'll get to the point. Hubby and I have been married for 4 years now; in those 4 years and I can honestly say, life wouldn't be the same without him! The emotional connection we share is unreal, and I don't think I could ask for a better person to be with as far as my emotional needs go. Since about year 2, we've participated in the Swing lifestyle. We're both very open-minded people, sexually; I'm bisexual and he is more than supportive of that! We've had lots of encounters, and are pretty satisfied in our decision to engage in an open-marriage. We don't have any children, it's just the two of us, but our sex life...well...it COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY SUCKS. We've talked and talked, and tried this and tried that...he is just completely uninterested!!!! It's infuriating! The kicker here is, he's 23 years old!!! What the hell! I'm 22 years old, and have sex maybe 3 (4 or 5 in a good month) times a month. Does anyone else see a problem here? I'm really starting to think he's just too lazy to make the effort. BTW--I read the "Sexual Disconnection" article in it's entirety, and it was encouraging BUT I can't help but feel resentful towards his rejection, especially when he has no problem desiring other women. Have I opened pandora's box and ruined him completely? Is it possible for a man to be sexually spoiled? I noticed catching him masturbating a lot too, and when confronted later, he says he just didn't feel like going into a full-on sex session. Are you kidding me? He'd rather masturbate than have sex! Even when we do have sex, it's far from fulfilling, he rushes through everything, as if it's the equivelent of taking out the trash. He has always been a fulfilling lover in the past, probably part of the reason why I married him LOL. But in just this past year, he appears to have settled into this lackluster sex life completely. Certainly someone can relate to this dismay. Please, any commments or suggestions are greatly appreciated Sam (Smile4Me)

Hi there! Just a quick question. Have you tried alternative lifestyle websites? My husband and I are a part of a swinger's site here in the states, and there are a surprising number of single ladies looking to broaden their horizons. We met a few single females, and of course lots of couples (although I'm not sure if this is your cup of tea). Some ended up being some of the best pals we've ever had! My little piece of advice-- make sure it's a respectable site and not just some spam-arific site that will blow up ur inbox. Let me know if you want more info, and I wish you the best in finding that sexy third Sam

Okay, so I have had two toys, both of which were not very successful for me! The first was a rubbery, less-than life like vibrator that was more uncomfortable than O-riffic (tehehe), while the next was a nearly 8-inch long glass dildoe. The dildoe is fun, but is a little much for me (perhaps in size and absence of flexibility!) So, yeh, needless to say I'm looking for something a little different! I'm a big fan of the G-spot orgasm, but have yet to find a toy that can get me there. Luckily enough for me, I still have old-faithful, aka digits 2 and 3 as backup! I would love it if someone could point me in the right direction, based on what you now know about my preferences! Thanks in advance!

Hey guys! I just stumbled on this site earlier this evening, and haven't been able to stop reading! The education articles are very informative and have given me some better insight into several sex/relationship issues that I (or should I say "we") have had. I really look forward to talking with other members and being a part of the forums!