sexlesshousewife

husband is uncirced...we didn't know it (he even wanted our son circed) until one day I said "are you sure? cuz you have a lot of extra skin" and I really don't think he is. I always thought something was different about his penis! lol. no scar, and feels a lot better, and when erect, looks 99% like a circ'd man, except this is no scarring! uncirc is the way to be - and most of the world IS that way, thankfully our son was not circ'd - too brutal of a practice and too unnecessary for me to allow him to be taken into surgery at only a few days old just for cosmetic reasons!!

Hi all - sorry to take so long to get back to this thread. My life is busier than I would like it to be. Regarding abuse - his abuse takes form of any type of manipulation, emotional or mental/verbal. He has hurt me too many times to even count, but at least I know he wouldn't hit me (that would just give me reason to leave him right away). He did give me oral since I last wrote - it was wonderful! But...remember what I said earlier about the emotional relationship? He read something I wrote to the guy I long time ago telling him to F off and leave me alone - I think it was more of a reaffirmation for him than anything else - and get this, I had to be blowing him at the same time for him to do it. He then made a comment about my friend later in the day, something that hasn't been brought up for years. I think it was a power play - like yeah, I'm your man now, I'm the only one you can go to and the only one that will give it to you. He has stepped up more as a father - but those "priveledges" are about to be revoked because he told me the other day he really doesn't enjoy it and it isn't helping him bond with his children. Well, good, because now I can practice for the day I might have to become a single parent. He is on his last straw right now and the next one is going to break the proverbial camel's back, and I'm out. I know I don't want to have a part time father to my children, but I also don't want to set a bad example or be depressed all the time. You know, he goes out of town and doesn't call me til AFTER he has already watched tv, worked out, etc, when he knows it's too late and I won't want to talk? I find that odd. He did that last week. Really made me wonder. He never tries to have phone sex, talk dirty, or anything. and in real life it's just like, finger me til it gets annoying and I don't want to do that anymore while I'm giving him a BJ, and then he sticks it in and gets off. great. how fun. So I'm not really missing it, because quality over quantity is my new thing and I don't regret it when I miss a chance to blow his dick so he can fuck me and get it over with. I am a major hornball and can honestly say I haven't been horny since the last time we did it...whenever that was. I purchased toys....maybe one month or two ago? and have yet to even open the package. I could care less. I'm depressed inside that I am missing out. But I have two little kids depending on me and I don't want to take their father away...so until then, one more chance. you know what he had the nerve to say to me, after weeks of me saying "I won't give you a blowjob if you don't start giving me oral first" and he says "you just don't do the thinks you used to anymore" and this same man once told me I can't get mad at him for not wanting to give oral because "I've been with chicks that didn't suck dick and I didn't push the issue" He wants to old "me" back, the one that let him do whatever and I would end up blaming the whole thing on myself... baby is awake...thanks all for telling me all the things I know but my mind refuses to allow me to believe. You put everything in perspective for me. I can't sit here and blame myself for everything when perfect strangers look at the situation and say "that's not right!" thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am putting all of your advice to use and taking this one day at a time!!! oh - and I'm not demanding, I just used to expect a LOT less of him, so now it seems like more but it's still less than most women - you know I didn't even ask for his help with either one of my babies when they were newborn? I let him sleep!!!!!!!! (even on weekends!)

1. I would not let him know about this, in fact I will probably delete it when I give him the letter. 2. I have been at this since regaining my self confidence recently, I would say I started wanting change at about Feb of this year. I have been dealing with this for YEARS and thought it was MY fault so I always took the blame and listened to him when he would turn it around on me. 3. You are probably thinking this is about sex - it's not. Sex is just the biggest example. I don't see myself growing old with someone that is so negative and selfish. I do however have hope based on his recent actions. 4. Do you know what it's like to feel like you aren't loved? To hear the words "thanks" as he zips up his pants and walks out of the room, only to leave you still clothed, without even trying to get you off. 5. I have read books. Many. I understand what he's doing and you have noooo idea how much research I've done. I don't need a song to cry. I've done it enough. Thanks for the help, but really I think you are coming from a point of view where you think I'm just some bored horny housewife and this is the only issue - because it's not. I don't even want an orgasm, I just want him to touch me like he wants to, not like he's required to. I've waited years. The last time he touched me like that was when I was going to leave him. Do I have to do that to get it again? The fact that he'd rather jack off to porn than put his arms around his wife and fall asleep next to her - what's up with that. I have been very understanding, loving, etc to the point where crying every day is NOT acceptable. Of course I can love him. I do love him. He loves me. sometimes love is not enough. I have been up and down with this man emotionally and you have no idea what we've been through - sometimes love just doesn't justify it. He has outright told me he hears "I'm not a real man". Does that mean I am supposed to remain silent? His ego is fragile, he's very insecure...and that's his problem, not mine, and one I have been very delicate with for the past eight years. why am I sacrificing so much...it's not worth the return. DADT, I know you're coming from a good place, with good intentions, and I don't mean to be so defense - this is just what the relationship has done to me - I never used to act like that and looking back at my words I was getting very defensive. I don't want to be this person anymore. I probably should ditch the letter idea and just get through these last few years. You're right, he isn't going to have a revelation, I have fucking spelled it out for him in more ways than one. He doesn't miss the sex, so why am I even addressing it? I am afraid I might have an affair, but I knwo I won't because I am too chickenshit to do that. Sorry everyone for being so all over the place, but this man has done enough to me and I'm at the point were I'm really fed up and it's just spilling out all over the place. so tired of him hurting me, in any way he can imagine, because I know he does it just to keep me down so I stay with him. and I can't leave now anyway.

oh where do I begin?! LOL. Sex in the past - it comes and goes. I usually initiate. He uses the excuse that he is stressed out. I think he has given me oral - maybe - 3 times in the eight years we've been together. The last time was when I thought he was divorcing me (because of his behavior) and I sought out an emotional relationship with a friend. So then he decided to step it up, give me oral and show what what I could have with him, then do everything I asked him in our relationship. He's actually become a better and more successful person because of the changes I demanded of him (professionally, at work). Our conversations have gotten better. I have opened up to him recently about my feelings because - what else do I have to lose? He listens. He used to just fight back. Find something to be pissed off at me about. He still does that, but not as bad, and I don't care as much so it doesn't hurt me like it used to. It doesn't escalate because of my hurt. He eventually sees my point, says he does, but then doesn't do anything about it. He is content with the minimum, and if I am not then I should "get a hobby". I don't want my kids to have a part time father. Although the way he acts when he's home, they have had a part time father, and he is rapidly improving. He now holds his son every night until he falls asleep (this used to be my job) because I insisted our son loves him and resting on him (he does, actually). The bonding that has resulted in me leaving the room and letting him take over is very pleasing. He now gives his daughter a bath every night and even takes her out without me. This is different from how he used to act. THIS is what gives me hope. His excuse ranges from "I'm tired" to "I don't want it to be a chore" to "I'm really stressed out" but these are just excuses. The real reason is he is uncapable of giving back. I know this because he would rather look at porn than slip into bed with me, and I often go to bed alone. If he's so tired, how can he stay up and watch tv, and look at porn? I'm 34D with a 25 inch waist, and he's always been attracted to me. There's no excuse that seems to fit except that he is just a selfish bastard. whenever I bring up an issue, he can't take accountability. He blames me for things and says what he puts up with, then later says he doesn't mean it. So I don't know what to believe anymore when he argues with me and I choose to believe none of it, good or bad. I decided not to leave until my kids are in school during the day - this give him time to change, and this will give me a chance to remain a stay at home mom. I am putting my kids first but I don't want a sexless marriage. It just seems like the last option. I am a very sexual person and could have sex all day every day...but now I am just waiting it out...seeing what will happen next...

and it's not just about the sex...he doesn't even watch our two kids or offer to watch them (because I'm not going to force someone to do something they don't want to do) so that I can go out and do something for myself. It's always about how tired he is or stressed out from work. I cook dinner for him just about every night and he used to not even eat it (now he does because I have bitched enough about it). It took me a year and a half to get him to start giving our daughter a bath every night to give me a break, now it's routine but sometimes I still have to nag him. I"m not the type to nag and since we've had kids that's what I've started to do, because if I don't then nothing gets done. I hate it and I hate the person I'm becoming. I'm so easy going and laid back, but he just pisses me off about the same shit over and over and there is no reasoning with him.

this might be a bad idea but I can't go on hiding my feelings. It hurts too much. Your thoughts, and any questions? I will answer the best I can. I want to put an end to this issue and I don't know how. He is hard to talk to, very self centered, never takes accountability, idealist, negative...a whole host of traits that would not respond very well to me telling him this. But what can I do? Here's the letter. "I feel like our sexual relationship is over. Sex to me should be an escape. Taking delight in your mate's pleasure. Knowing that you can control their ectascy and you choose to give them the most. You however know you can control it and you choose to with hold. You could never get off first because then you won't want to give back. Sex isn't about what you get. It's about having the passion to explore your partner. Touch her skin, taste her mouth, run your tongue on various body parts, listen to her enjoy your actions, use your hands and fingers to gently touch and feel every body part you love. I have been with you almost a decade and everytime I would feel like I wanted to experience every part of you. Why do you think I have enjoyed giving you oral so much? Because I was taking in a part of you, and giving you the best pleasure I could, and knowing that I had that power and I chose to use it for your pleasure was enough to make me happy. Then something happened...I thought...why doesn't he get pleasure from giving to me? How could giving pleasure turn into a chore? What really happened is I gained more self confidence. I'm not the 18 year old girl hoping to find someone that will just accept her. I am a 26 year old woman and I spend my entire day taking care of two little kids. I just want someone to take care of me now and show me that MY needs are important. I don't want to think - how dare he believe his needs are more important than mine. What if I had a girlfriend, would that be cheating? Because then he won't have to give, and I can still give to him and get some back. These aren't good thoughts for a married woman. I've tried and tried, I've given and given over and over. I've told you exactly what to do. I've told you exactly what I want. What more can I do? I've even done things with you, without you forcing or even asking, that I normally wouldn't do, hoping to put a spark back into our sex life. It's been years, but it shouldn't be like this. I guess we are going to have a sexless marriage. I'm even at the point where if you want to have sex with someone else and that makes you happy, then I am all for that. Because it is starting to wear on me and I don't think it's right for me to with hold you from being happy and receiving the pleasure you want, even though you have done it to me. I'm sorry nothing seems to work. Being with you has turned me into a person I don't want to be, and it's really had to be turned on with all you've said to me when I know I dont deserve it. The difference is, in the past I thought I deserved it. Now I know I don't. It's also hard to grasp the fact that you have no passion for having sex with me, and it could easily turn into a "chore" You don't seem to like to have fun anymore. In fact mostly you just complain. I can't even travel with you without hearing something. The negativity is crushing me. I have tried and tried, and I'm out of ideas. Please help me figure out what to do. I don't want to go without sex for the rest of my life. It's very important to me. I don't want to leave the father of my children. I don't want to start over with someone else. I just want my husband to have passion for me like he claims he does." Thanks for reading the letter and please if you can help me modify it in any way to be a little more gentle...or you have any thoughts on what might help my situation...I would really appreciate it. We don't have money for a counseler and I am not about to go to a church for one (we are Christian but it's just not something I want to talk about with a minister)