kmt
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How's it going Sexualhealing? Are you having any luck?
Well, if you can count that when my SO was going down on me the last time I was able to say "suck me harder" right before orgasming, then maybe a little luck. For months I couldn't even do that. The most I could do was moan or say I'm cumming.
It's funny but I can say mildly 'dirty things' outside the bedroom and in a joking manner but to say these things and be serious I feel self conscious. I feel like it is unlike me and that I will sound stupid or something. I would love to use the "fuck me like you bought me" line but SO really hates that word. lol, it's so weird, he has no problem saying things to me but hates the f word and I have noooooo problem saying the f word and yet struggle with the dirty talk. Go figure.
Thanks for asking ladylove.
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Sexualhealing, I am no religious scholar (not by a long shot!!) but religious law has many assumptions and stereotypes that, if you read the Word carefully, you will not find.
All of the 10 commandments basically boil down to two: "love God" and "love one another". The commandment about adultery really says nothing about living with someone outside of marriage, it just says not to covet someone else's spouse (by which is a way of respecting other people, and which falls under the "love one another" category). And if you read Jesus's words carefully, you will find that he really only gave us two instructions: to make Peace and to help the poor. Enjoying sex with your lover does not violate any of these instructions. Fundamentalist viewpoints will have you believe that you are living in sin in God's eyes, but a careful reading of the Bible for yourself will not uncover anything like that. As I said, I am no Bible scholar, but a wonderful former lover was and I have taken his interpretations to heart, as this version makes much more sense, coming from a loving Creator.
Many believe that God is actually in each of us, and loving one another as we love God is the highest form of worship. I have chosen to believe that sexual pleasure was given to us to enjoy, and that full enjoyment of this is one of the highest forms of worship. God wants us to enjoy each other just as we enjoy a beautiful sunset or the smell of the ocean, and there is no limit to this.
So let go of those limiting beliefs and begin to see your love as pleasing to the Creator. You can really choose to believe whatever you like, as who really knows the truth other than what is in their heart?
Hi Moontide, letting go of my old beliefs is exactly where I am at this time. Thank you for your input.
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I can't think of a thing to add here. Yes, you will learn tons on here and isn't joining a sex site kind of liberating?
It is an excellent step in the right direction. And I am so glad things are turning around for you. Happy exploration!!!Edit: I did think of something to add! You mention at least a couple of time that you see ugliness where your new SO sees beauty in your body. I can relate to that very well. I look at myself naked and say "eewwww" when my husband will get an instant hard-on. I think that men really just have different tastes. Some men like very small women, some like those with a little meat on their bones, and some like those with a lot of meat on their bones.
I will see what I think men consider to be a hottie walking by and say something to that effect and my husband will say something like "too skinny," or "too made-up," "fake boobs," etc. We have these conversations because we have talked about inviting another woman into our bed at some time, so they are serious conversations. In "window shopping" (yeah, I know, we are terrible!), I have learned a lot about what my husband finds attractive in a women and it makes me understand more about how that instant hard-on happens when he sees me.
If you think about it, women are like that, too. Some like the tall, dark and handsom type while others like their men shorter, or with a fair complextion, or stocky, etc. I have a very good friend and we are very much a like. Her SO is blonde, prim-and-proper in appearance and works in an office. My husband has black hair, loves his "wife-beaters" and worked as a truck driver when we met. Both are great men - very different - but perfect for each of us.
OK, you see ugliness and he sees beauty - accept it and go with it. Variety is the spice of life and your SO likes what you have to offer. YAY him and for you!
Yes he does and I love him for that but I am also afraid that someday the blinders will come off and he will see what I see. I am 58, had five kids and at have battled with weight most of my life. Now, the weight is off and I am told by many, including my kids that I am hot, a MILF and some of my son's friends (17 year olds) told him he has a hot mom. And with clothes on I'll admit I have turned a few heads. It's when the clothes come off that's ugly. I see sagging boobs, sagging ass and stretch marks and all this is a reminder to me of how bad I let myself go. But he loves it, go figure!
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lol, this would have been a double post so I deleted it. Still learning how the board works.
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I would say that WAY TO GO was in order, first off! You're here! Searching for answers to questions that have probably bugged you all of your adult life! That is a HUGE first step!
Thank you Tyger.
Here's the thing, and please don't take me as prejudice against any religious beliefs, cuz I'm all for freedom of religion, but, in my experience, respectfully, the Catholic faith does a disservices to all of their people. It's a male dominated religion (brought up with mostly Catholics around me), and it's the man's job to procreate, but the woman must pop out babies and like it. Birth control was frowned upon (not sure if it still is for I have removed myself from keeping track of all of that), and if you had an independant thought, you were gonna go to hell. Forget about masturbation, for that was self-serving, and, again, you'd go to hell.
I agree with all of the above. At the early age of 7 (the age of reason) many a night I would be afraid to fall asleep lest I die and go to hell. Fear is a very strong weapon and the catholic church used it very successfully. And frankly, I am fucking pissed off!
Here's a question I pose to a lot of people that can be thought of as extreme religious people: if God didn't want you to feel pleasure, as a woman, why did He make you feel anything? Why did He put a clitoris on you? How bad could it be if He designed us in His image, to feel with something He put on you & other women? Why is it OK for the man to have all the pleasure, and the woman none?
Lol, I was one of those "extreme religious people" not too long ago. Growing up I was wanting to be a nun then in my high school years I had sort of a religious rebellion. After being married several years ( to a drunk who beat me at least once a week whether I needed it or not) my husband got sober and decided to get back to the church. It took me a while longer but I did eventually end up back in the church as well. It started out normal then we got a spiritual director and that was normal for a few years and then it all got so bizarre and I've come to discover (years later) that this was actually a cult-like group of people within the church and there was sexual abuse. Ironically, it was another catholic priest who told me that what I had done to me was sexual abuse. I didn't even realize that. I know this is all schetchy and a lot of the blanks aren't filled in but the end result is I was left over 20 years of my life stolen from me, a very bad case of clinical depression, a serious drinking problem and some self esteem issues that I don't know if I'll ever overcome. I also have a very hard time trusting anyone including my own self. I got myself treatment, was on anti-depressants for about five years. The drinking isn't a problem anymore thankfully and I got out of that marriage of almost 32 years.
How is a couple suppose to have a successful life/relationship/marriage with that sort of, sorry to say, bullshit?? To have any sort of successful adult/couple relationship, you MUST have honest & open communication! Which also moves into the *gasp* bedroom! If one partner, man or woman, is unsatisfied sexually, it can, and WILL spill over into other aspects of the marriage. You are finding this (or found this) out.
Here's my thing/take on it: masturabation is your FRIEND. To learn how to please YOURSELF is the BEST way to find out what you like in the bedroom. Once you play with yourself, become comfortable enough to do so (which is one of the hardest hurdles, trust me), and RELAX enough to do so, the orgasm will come. However, don't TRY too hard. If you don't cum the first few times, that's ok too. It may take a few YEARS, but, in the meantime, you can try new things, positions, toys, even films if you like them. Go get some books on the female orgasm, and how some women get there. If you don't know your body, and what it likes, then you won't be able to cum. There's nothing wrong with learning at any age. If it embarrasses you to go to a bookstore, order some from here, or other sites. I get a lot of stuff from Amazon.com. You can search for practically anything, and you can get them shipped right to your door. If you're interested, I can look at the titles I've learned from, and you can PM me if you want the names of the books I have.
I have entered the world of self discovery and am trying to learn all I can about my body, my sexual needs and desires. I have pretty much rejected all the old teachings as bullshit but there is still something inside me that wants to make me believe I am committing a sin, by masturbating, living with my SO and having sex with him outside of marriage and all the other crap that was forced down my throat over the years.
When back in the dating world, you will find that many men now appreciate a woman who knows what she wants. I would try and date away from your town you live in. That way, they don't know you, or how others know you, and have any pre-conceived notions on how you will/should act.
MASTURBATE!!! If you don't know how to please yourself, a man can't help get you there. Just saying, "whatever you like to do" isn't going to cut it. For example, some women like their breasts tugged on, some hard, some not so hard.....what if the man you're with is use to tugging really hard, and you don't like it? There is NOTHING wrong with saying, nicely, "I don't care for that, let's try this......"
I wish you much happiness, and self-exploration! Looking forward to more questions or discoveries you decide to post about!
I could go on and on I guess but a little at a time. Thanks for your reply Tyger. The more I vent and hear other peoples thoughts the more it erases the old tapes and replaces them with new. I am very happy to have found TT.
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The first step in making the changes you want is to make the decision to change. Once that decision is made, there is no "trying" - you either do it or you don't, and you seem well aware of the problems in failing to make those changes.
Just do one thing differently each time. Just risk one thing every time. I have found that life begins at the end of your comfort zone.
Everything you've said is true. I've made the decision, now the only thing stopping me is fear. Now I have to decide whether or not I am willing to let my fears rule the rest of my life. I think not. Thank you.
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I really like the viva cream. It has worked best for me. I definitely think it's worth a try. Just know that it does contain mint, so if you have a sensitivity to mint, don't use it.
The mint won't be a problem for me, just hope my SO doesn't mind the taste. lol, he hates mint.
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Yes, some do some don't. It's trial was trial and error. I'm very sensitive so I usually get a good responses it thers anything to them. Go through and read the reviews to decide which is right for you.
The Viva cream has gotten a raving review and it comes in a trial size, I may try that one. I've tried having a few drinks before a bedroom session because it loosens me up and i drop some of my inhibitions, however, the alcohol de-sensitizes me and I feel nothing. That sucks, lol.
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Have any of you ladies ever used clit stimulating creams? I would really like to know if they really work or if it's all hype.
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It depends on when/how you want to talk dirty. For example, send your SO a text asking what he's doing. When he answers he will probably ask what you are doing. Tell him whatever, but then add "and thinking about you." He will probably reply wanting more info about the thinking about him part. Start to elaborate, slowly at first if that is more your style. Tell him you are thinking about how he made you feel during your last love-making session, how good it felt to have him inside you .... just say what is on your mind. And if you two don't text, the same thing could be done on the phone, or start writing notes back and forth to each other while you are watching TV. Just whatever. Dirty talk, IMO, doesn't have to start out "dirty". Just like sex, have some foreplay, so to speak, and work up to the climax.
And most importantly, HAVE FUN!
Hmmm, dirty talk foreplay. I think I can do that.
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Check the postings on the other Dirty talk thread, I think you'll find them very stimulating ......
..... check out posts #'s 12, 18, 22, 43, 57, 69, 72.
That should give you a good idea about what some like
Oh, and maybe read it while your spouse is handy, never know what may pop up when reading
I will do that ladylove. I have a question, the first time you talked dirty, was it uncomfortable and awkward? I know it will be that way for me. Do I wait until I am comfortable with the idea (which could take a long time) or do I just do it. Ya know, just jump right in and do it.
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He he... You know the art of talking dirty is not always a bad thing
Good point there. My mind automatically associates certain actions or words as making me either a 'good or bad girl' and I find myself having to rethink everything I've ever been taught about sex (or not taught) by parents, religion and even my ex husband of almost 32 years. So I want to talk dirty! So what! Lol, now I want to be so bad that I am good.
Thanks for your input.
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I was reading the forums yesterday and saw a post about talking dirty. It caught my attention and I wanted to post but didn't have the time so I came back here today to do it but now I can't find the post so I am starting a new one. (lol, how's that for a run-on sentence!
Okay, I have a question. How does one get started with the dirty talk? It may seem like a silly question with the obvious answer being 'just do it' but it seems so out of character for me that I can't get words out. In addition to not knowing what to say I feel awkward and shy about it. I'm afraid to sound stupid and I guess afraid of being rejected. It would mean opening myself up to ridicule (at least in my mind) even though I know my SO would never ridicule me, ever.
So if there is anyone out there who struggled with this and has any tips I would love to hear them. Time to drop this 'good girl' mentality I have and let the slut side of me out, if I have one that is. Lol, and if I don't I will create one.
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I agree that is one thing he always reminds me to stop being so hard on myself. I have gotten better but I still regress into it at times. I am my worst critic. I know that but changing it well that is another thing. Best of luck to you.
Changing is hard work and at times very painful, but really, what are the alternatives? I have to keep reminding myself of that when it gets hard and I just want to quit.
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Wow... you go girl, I would say that like you had said... Your almost there... Take the time and let it happen, it does sound as though you have a good guy that is with you now and is taking his time with you, that is the key... Every one of my past girl friends have had issues sexually! So I do know you will clear the funk so to say of the past and come to know your sexual being that is in everyone of us.
Do yourself the favor and allow yourself time to find what feels good, do this alone and also with your partner...!! Most of all take it easy on yourself, we are often the hardest judges of ourselves and it doesn't have to be that way, Have fun with it, your sexual life has just begun.... and there is so much to explore. Take your time and you will be fine.
What you say about being the hardest judges is so true. A little encouragement can go a long way. Thank you Mnwolf.
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Thank you all for your comments and input. I have thought about professional help and although I am not closing the door on that option, I think this forum could be a huge turning point for me. Just being here and reading and knowing that others have had the same experiences and feelings and hang-ups and are overcoming them gives me hope that I can too. I know I can because I want this. I am doing lots of reading and learning new things everyday. lol, actually it's embarrassing to realize how little I know at my age.
Too timid is a goldmine of resources and I plan on tapping into it all that I can. I consider myself more fortunate than a lot of woman who are going through what I am and are not able to change or simply choose not to, but rather just accept the situation as it is. I am fortunate to have a wonderful, patient and considerate man who loves me enough to help me through this. We do a lot of talking in and out of the bedroom and I am learning to trust and to let myself be loved. He sees beauty in me where I see ugliness. The body that makes me sick when I look in the mirror actually turns him on and if I can get myself to believe that, well that would be half my battle won.
I have come a long way, I am more open and less of a prude than I was even six months ago. I have gone from not being able to even say the word sex without getting embarrassed to joining a sex forum. I am able to talk to my adult daughters about sexual things and they are amazed at the changes in me. The first time my man took me into a sex toy shop I had to go out and sit in the car, and I cried. i have three toys now and the I actually asked for the third one, lol, wow. I already have number four on my wish list. I am on the verge of breaking out I just know it. The woman I killed off years ago out of necessity, the one with desires and passion and needs is inside and is begging to come out. All I need is a push.
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Hi folks,
I am new to the forums and have done lots of reading. Other than introducing myself, this is my first post and I have a question. How do you let go during sex??? I was raised Catholic and very sheltered. I was taught that women weren't supposed to enjoy sex and that it was just a duty to satisfy my husband. At one point I was even considering becoming a nun. Well instead I got married and rejected all those childhood teaching and actually wanted to enjoy sex, but not without a ton of guilt. My husband of almost 32 years was a selfish lover if I can even call him a lover at all. There was very little foreplay. He got right to the point and when it was over, it was over. In the beginning when I approached him for sex I usually got turned down and that crushed me to the point that I just stopped asking because I couldn't handle the rejection. The last few years there was no sex at all because he couldn't get an erection. This started when he was 40. Of course, I believed that his problem was my fault. A Catholic upbringing will do that to a person and I readily accepted this. I was too fat, not pretty enough, not exciting enough or whatever. I spent so many nights crying myself to sleep for years because I loved this man and he didn't want me. In the end he got into religion so heavily and now believes he is Jesus Christ. There was drugs involved with him, religious delusions, bi-polar disorder and life had gotten very bizzare. I ended up on depression meds for about 5 years.
I am out of that relationship now and moving forward but not without a ton of baggage. My upbringing and my marriage have left me with lots of scars. I have no confidence, low self esteem, fears, insecurities and whatnot. I am now in a relationship with a wonderful man. He is so gentle with me because he knows how I am struggling. In bed he is so loving and unselfish it amazes me. He sees beauty where I see ugliness.
I could go on and on. I have so much in my mind that I want to say but to put it in writing, well it gets all confused.
Here is my problem. I have learned over the years to not express any sexual feelings, for fear of rejection and because of the sin factor. I can't let go, and I want to so badly. I can't tell my man when I want him because I feel that if he wanted me he would make the first move. I feel that I don't deserve sexual pleasure and any sexual needs I may have are wrong and to just surpress them. When we are in bed together my mind just will not let me focus on what we are doing. I always worry about not being able to orgasm or that I am taking too long and that of course prevents me many times from orgasming. I am afraid to tell him what I want or like because I'm not even sure myself. I am so inexperienced sexually and I am afraid of acting or sounding stupid or just plain looking disgusting in my mans eyes.
How the hell do I stop these thought patterns? How do I just say fuck it and let? I want this more than anything.
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Welcome to TT. Congratulation on getting this far, It's huge! you're half way there. Read, read, and read more. I had my own inhibition for other reasons, and I will tell you, you need to see each baby step as a huge break through. There will be times you need to just bite the bullet, go for it. Sometimes it works out great and sometimes not not so great; remember, you did it and that in itself is huge. The next time will be better. Baby steps to sexual enlightenment. Have fun!
Thank you for the welcome and the encouragement. You're right about the baby steps. I've taken lots of them and I am somewhat proud of myself. More than anything, I want to break out of this protective shell. I find I take a few steps, get scared and run back into my shell for a bit but I keep coming back out. It used to be safe there but now it's just a dark lonely place and I can't wait to not need it anymore if that makes any sense.
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First of all, welcome to TooTimid! I think it's great that you found the courage to come to this site, and then to be able and willing to post. I am totally with you. I have had many of the same experiences and feelings--from what you are telling us. It is one of the reasons I love this site. I have learned a lot, and have learned to open up sexually. Please ask all the questions you want, and you are always welcome to send me a PM if you'd like. Again, welcome!!!
Thank you for the welcome ToyQueen. I've been doing lots of reading on this site and am surprised that there are others who've had the same issues and hangups as me and are able to overcome them. I guess we all feel that we are unique in our thinking. I am very glad to have found this site and I know I will have lots of questions, lol, kind of embarrassing at my age, but better late than never, huh! Thanks again.
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Hi Everyone,
Finding myself posting to a forum such as this is something I would have never considered doing even a few months ago. I have been reading posts here for a little while and am encouraged by the support you've shown to the members who have real concerns and all without passing judgment.
A little bit about me: I was raised in a Catholic environment most of my life. I was taught that sex was for procreation only, women weren't supposed to enjoy it and if you did you were bad and at the early young age of 7 found myself too afraid to go to sleep at night for fear of dying and going to hell because of my sins. Moving ahead, I got married to an addict who eventually got straight, got religion and then ultimately thought himself to be Jesus Christ. I stayed with this man for almost 32 years because of you know, the for better or for worse thing.
In a nutshell, my life's experiences have left me full self confidence and self esteem issues. I was physically, emotionally and spiritually, and sexually abused over the course of these years and it has left it's scars in all areas of my life.
Where I am today: Struggling, that's where. I have a new man in my life. A wonderful man. Right from the start I could tell he had a strong libido and, to be honest, it kind of scared me. I had hang-ups. Lots of hang-ups from my past and I let him know that from the very beginning of our relationship. In fact, I gave him every opportunity to run the other way because I was damaged. Lol. He didn't do that. Anyway, to keep this as short as possible and not bore you all I will come to the point of why I am here. I am angry, at the church, my ex, and I am angry with myself. I feel that my sexuality had been stolen from me. My rights at a woman have been stolen from me, and I let it happen.
I am here now because I want it back and I guess I need help and encouragement to do this. I have a man who loves me enough to put up with me and give me the time I need to deal with the past and help me to heal and move forward. I have come a long way in the past two years but I have oh so far to go. A lot of the things we talk about now used to offend me. Hell, I was offended when he first said the word pussy. I was offended when he first gave me the link to this site, but I am changing slowly, lol, I even have some toys!
So, as my screen name suggests, I am searching with all my heart for a sexual healing. I want this for me and I want this for him. I want to learn how to let go without fear of rejection or being punished for being a bad girl. I want my mind to give me the freedom to experience sexual fulfillment. I am on my way, I have been reading lots and lots but I still have to get this screwed up head of mind to take that plunge. lol, hell, I want it all. At 58 years old, it's finally my turn, and I want it.
Thanks for letting me vent.
It is an excellent step in the right direction. And I am so glad things are turning around for you. Happy exploration!!!
Who First
in Oral Sex Discussion
Posted
He did. I was shy, inexperiened and scared to death. I did return the favor but I didn't really know what I was doing. In the beginning I didn't like giving oral at all. Now I don't mind doing it but it really does nothing for me. Hopefully as I get more experienced I will begin to like it.