Pros & Cons Of Fwb

[Tyger]

Can "Friends With Benefits" Ever Work?

It can seem like a good idea. You're both consenting adults and you like each other enough to be pals, so what's the harm with a no-strings-attached understanding? Two writers share their personal pros and cons.

Yes!

People are skeptical when I tell them I'm sleeping with — but happily not dating — my friend J. I've known J. for years. He's a good guy and a loving friend. Until six months ago, our relationship was platonic. Then one night after driving me home from a party, J. kissed me. Suddenly our clothes were off, and he was reaching for a condom.

It happened at just the right time. Fresh off a major breakup, I'd indulged in a brief period of late nights and questionable sexual situations, followed by a long period of celibacy. I was ready to have sex again, but nervous about hooking up with a stranger, and J. was no stranger. The next day I was giddy — not with feelings for J., just from breaking my dry spell: I was back! Now, once a week, we catch up and hop into bed. No metadiscussions. No drama. J. is awesome. But my heart doesn't jump when he walks into a room. Period.

It won't last forever. Either of us could fall for someone — and ultimately I do want a partner. But there's no hurry: I'm not planning to have kids, so I don't have any time pressure. With J., it feels like we're loving placeholders for each other, keeping those soft, intimate parts alive while waiting for our next big loves. To me, that's the "benefit." —Hillary Gray

No!

The problem with "friends with benefits" is that it provides neither friends nor benefits. Once you start sleeping with a friend, you are going to end up (a) in a relationship or ( not speaking. Either way, you will no longer be friends.

I tried it once with a guy I thought was cute, but not a good long-term match: We had little in common. He wasn't even funny. Pretty quickly the thrill of regular sex faded, and I began to feel like a sucker or, worse, a volunteer prostitute. Still, oddly, I found myself wanting him to be my boyfriend. I wanted to get texts, go eat pizza, see movies. He didn't. After a few months, he decided he was tired of my messy female feelings and ended it. I was heartbroken.

And that's where benefits become deficits, even for smart girls who think they know what they're getting into. At some point, someone is going to tire of the "situation" and want a relationship.

The problem with our scenario was that it was not "no strings." There were strings — I had handed them to him. The good news is that when he cut me loose, I thrived.

—by Julie Klausner, author of I Don't Care About Your Band

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlematch.aspx?cp-documentid=26239676&GT1=32023