Daughters Father Want To Be Apart Of Our Lives After 19 Months

[Theresa]

How is every body doing?

My mother called me this morning telling me that my "husband" called her this morning

asking about his "wife" I told her the last time I checked I wasn't married. She told me he was in a car accident and pinched a nerve but he's alright now. She also told me tha he was coming to see me next Saturday and he wanted to buy MY daughter some clothes.

Now it's been almost two years since I've seen him and now he wants to come back into my life

after 19 months. Now that I've been clean from drugs or 18 months I really don't want to see him now only will seeing him kick up my shit but it will also cause my harmones to go crazy.

The last time I seen him we had the bomb sex just two weeks before I went into treament.

Now that I have come to terms with my sexual orientation I am in a lesbian relationship with a female and I really like her and I have strong feelings for her and seeing my daughters father will have my harmones in a frenzy.

I want to see him and tell him that I'm am no longer in love with him and that my life is at a different level than it was 19 months ago when he last seen me. But I willalways love him becuse he gave me two beautiful girls one whic was adopted when she was two and my three year old who brings joy to my life everyday.

[Tyger]

Well, sounds kind of like a fatal attraction.

It's good that you recognize that he would probably drag you back to a life that you've worked so hard these past 18 mos to leave. That's a major step right there!!

If he wants to do something for your daughter (he donated some DNA there too, so he has certain rights just by birh), by buying her clothes, let him. Sounds like he owes her a lot more than that!!

If you feel that he may cause your hormones to go all over the place, then may I suggest that you meet him in a public place, like have him meet you at a restaurant (not fancy or romantic in nature, like Denny's, or even McDonald's). Some place that doesn't mean anything to either of you. Does he know you have a GF? Make it known, at least that you're in a committed relationship. DON'T go anywhere else with him, if you want to continue the life that you are leading now, in a positive path.

Plus, is the sex SO good that you're willing to go back into the bad stuff you were in before, and probably loose your kids over it? Keep thinking about your girls, and chances are, that will give you the strength you will need.

Great sex is wonderful to have, but if it leaves you feeling worthless, drags you down, or is the only way you can connect with someone, then, it's best left in the past, lessons learnt, and life moves on, for you and you girls.

Good luck!

[Theresa]

At this stage of your daughter's life, you need to legally establish his paternity, so a court can order him to pay child support. You may not want or need it, but she will. You can take his payments and bank them for her. He will have certain rights to see his daughter, just as she has a right to know both her parents, provided each of them is fit to be a parent. That is determined by a judge, not you.

You do not have to welcome him back into your life. If you don't want to see him, then arrange for someone else, like your mother, to supervise his visitation with his daughter. That may be the best way to keep you from becoming upset. He does not need to know your current living arrangements, and considering the problems men can raise if they find out you are living openly with another woman, who is your lover, it is better for you that he not know. Its not that you would lose custody of your daughters, but he could cost you much emotional stress, and money in fighting this in court. The name calling would be very difficult on you, and your GF. The youngest daughter may be to young to understand, but the older daughter might be harmed by all this. You say the older daughter is adopted, but not by whom. You say you were not married to this guy, and if so, did you adopt your older daughter as a single parent? Its done, but is still rare. I am trying to figure out if he has any rights to visit the older daughter that is not his biological child. Only if he was adopted her would he have such rights.

I do suggest you speak to an attoney about establishing paternity. Generally, the states limit the time when you can file paternity suits against men. There is a much longer statute of limitations for your daughter to sue her father for support. In my state, as in most, a child has until a year after they turn an adult( at age 18) to file any suit that they could have filed during their minority, which for obvious reasons is a legal disability. That means she will have until her 19th birthday to file suit against her father to establish his paternity and collect both back child support, and college education support from him. You do her no favors by waiting to get this started, as anything can happen to him, and he may not be able to pay any support in the future due to injury, disability, or death. No one is promised tomorrows. So see an attorney about establshing paternity, and getting an order for support. Only if he asks will the court consider granting him visitation rights. He is going to have to explain what happened to him for the first 19 months of his daughter's life, to the judge's satisfaction before he is given any visitation rights. And, he can file a paternity suit, declaring himself the father of the child. If there is a dispute, the Court will order blood tests of both parents and child, and consider the findings in determining the issue at some later date. Once he is found to be a father, he will be ordered to pay support, through the Clerk's office or some state office, which will send it on to you, or turn it over to Public Aid, if you are receiving such assistance, or pay some to each of you. The state will review his income every couple of years to see if the support order should be and can be raised. You can always file motions to increase support if you find out he has changed jobs, or has come into great wealth that allows him to pay more than he is now paying.

Howard

I think you misunderstood me when I said that my daughter was adopted when she was two for reasons I can't explain. He is her biological father and like I said he "gave " me two beautiful girls and that I will always love him but I am not in love with him anymore afte 19 months of him being MIA and only calling to wish his daughter Happy B-Day and writing me to let me know that he was in jail other than that i haven't heard from him until recently now he supposed to be coming to see us this weekend but my daughter will be with my mother for the weekend and if he doesn't come then I won't be surprised and if he does come than I will be surprised because like I said I haven't told him that I'm in a relationship with another woman and as far as her living with me or me living with her I live with my mother and my mother doesn't like but she accepts thefact that I am Bi-Sexual and I love my girl

[Theresa]

He is the father to both of my kids I said that my oldest daughter was adopted when she was two for reasons I can't explain I have two kids by this man and although they deseyve a father in their lives I haven't seen my oldest daughter since my last visit with her four years ago she was 2 1/2 years old since then I haven't seen her. She was adopted when she was two years old. I don't think he deserves anything as far as MY daughter is concerned because it will only confuse her because all she knows is that I'm her mother the only thing she knows about her father is his picture because I kept it just so she can know about her father later on down the line if she has any questions and as far as my oldest daughter my younger daughteralso knows that she has a sister and she talks about her all the time and when they get old enough to understand why we weren't a family I can explain it to them. My oldest daughter will be Seven years old Feb 6 I want to start looking for her because it may take a long time before I find her so by the time I get through the adoption system in the New Jersey so by the time I find her she may be about 15 years and full of questions her and her sister are three years apart I had her when I was 23 YO and my 3 Year Old when I was 26. Another reason why I think he doesn't deserve anything from me is because for a very long time he blamed me for what happened to MY oldest daughter so now that he wants to play Daddy I don't really care because his words hold no weight.

[me4now]

i think you have answered all the question and concerns you might have had;you dont want to be bother so dont and i dont really see how he could effect you since you have move on gotten clean and life has really picked up for you, so if you dont want to see him then dont.

i can understand what howard and everyone is suggesting to you as far your daughter is concern if you can arrange for someone else to help you out with visitation then cool if not continue foward with your life.

from what i can read it seems like you have not gotten over the past that you had with him and there is still some hurt it probably would bring on more anger i am just sharing a little in sight i am not trying to judge you

[Theresa]

You hit nail right on the head and no I will never forgive him because he has put me through alot in the six years I was with him. I lost custody of my daughter and he turned over his rights to the court saying that he thought I would have a better chance in getting her but that only left me to fight for myself and following him only made the custody battle worst.

So no I have not forgiven him and I want to take this oppurtunity to let him know that I am no longer in love with him and no I will no longer jump through hoops for him anymore, so if he does show up on saturday I will definitely tell him we need to have a long talk about where we stand as far as relationship wise.

And if he never speaks to me again at least be man enough to be a father to your child.

By the way he is 16 Years older than me I was young and very naive at the time I was 22 years old and I was in my first serious relationship and I got pregnant by this man.

It took me 6 years to figure out that somethings never change and it took all of this year and some of last year to get over him. I had a long time trying to find out who I am and thanks to my best friend I realized that I was attracted to the same sex as well as the opposite sex and no thanks to him for leaving me high and dry with my daughter.

But that's what happens when you build your whole life on a lie. From 22 years old until I was 29 years old my whole world revolved around this man who also is caught in drugs and alcohol.

So yes there are still some un-resolved issues that need to be taken care of I don't want to feel like I'm leading him on because I don't want to be with him anymore.

In the beginnig of our relationship we were head over heals in love with eachother until I found out that he had a drug problem he used to get high off his own supply and it wasn't until I lived with him in Lakewood that I realized that he was getting high and of course as every woman knows you can't change your man and God knows I tried everything for him to stop getting high but to no avail he kept getting high.

Until he thought that he could run from his addiction he decided to go to Maryland with his cousin and try to make life better for the both of us he left me in New jersey telling me that he'll come back for me that was four years ago. I went to visit him when he moved to D.C. a few times with my daughter and he came to see me a few times but after I went into Treatment I haven't heard form him and I wrote him letters faithfuly every week but he never responded to any of my letters and I thought that since he knew that I couldn't make phone calls and contact him that he would right back. The only time I have ever heard from him was on my daughters second B-Day and when he was locked up in jail I even invited him to come visit me but he never showed up and then all my letters started coming back to me I was gonna write him and tell him that I can't keep putting my feelings on the line and that I don't want to be with him anymore but even if I did write that letter it still took me awhile to get over him I was still wearing the ring he bought for me.

Then a little after the new year i gave up on us being together period Then he called again this year on my daughters third B-Day and I told him that I am no longer gonna jump through hoops for him.

He asked me if I was seeing somebody else that he would understand and I told that I don't have room in my life for a relationship right now I didn't tell him that I had a girlfriend.

What I did to him was the samething he did to me for years I told him that he will always have my heart and that there is nobody else in my life right now. Then he tried to give me an altimatum telling me that he wants me and "HIS" daughter down there in Maryland with him and that I can work in the restuarant with him and I told him no thatI'm not leaving New York he told me that he was gonna get a laywer and fight for his daughter and I told him to do what you gotta do.

If his name is not on her birth certificate than he has no right to take me to court for MY daughter because for the past three years I've been mommy and daddy and now daddy wants to play father and buy "his" daughter some clothes and some stuff for school but it take more than clothes to be a father. Like R.Kelly said "Any man can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a father." so it take more then a new wadrobe to be apart of "his" daughters life.

[Theresa]

Howard I see your point just because his name is not on the Birth Certificate he can still file for custody and visitation rights and if the judge ask him where has he been for the last three years of her life he has to have some type of solidarity to back him up meaning pay stubs and whatever else can back him up.

But if he does try to take me to court I have alot of people to back me up so he'll have a fight on his hands if he does try and I'd like to see him try it. If he thinks that I'm not going to fight him than he is sadly mistaken.

What would he know about taking care of a thre year old little girl? Nothing he would have to get used to all her moods he needs and her wants and evrthing that a little does and he would even know where to start.

Because I have been Mommy and Daddy I have been there through the potty training processs all the belly aches and the nightmares everything about MY daughter I know he has no clue on hoe to raise a little girl he has othe kids beside her and he has not ben there for them now all of a sudden he wants to play daddy and come into her life.

I wouldn't mind but don't play "Peek A Boo" with her because she is at that age where she ask alot of questions and I don't want her to start asking me where is my daddy after he comes around and dissapears for another year. She already ask me where he is and I have to tell her that if i knew I would find him for you but now it's not a problem but it will be once he comes to see her and spend a couple of day with her and the "POOF" dissapears again and leave me to fill in the blanks.

Then what do I do? I don't want to down play him as her father but then that's what he has done everytime he comes around and then leaves.

That why I said he plays Peek A Boo with her because now you see him and now you don't. So what do I tell MY daughter about her father and why he isn't her again?

[Theresa]

Well just like I said he was a no show today I'm glad I wasn't anticipating on him coming to see us because if this were about two years ago I would be totalty upset.

But that part of my life is over and I'm glad I don't have the same feelings I had for him before do my feelings aren't hurt and my anticipation didn't deflate like a hot air ballon.

Thank everybody for their advice especialy you Howard too bad you don't live in New york be cause if I ever needed a lawyer I would call you because you give great advice.

[Tyger]

I'm glad that it turned out the way you want it! It's hard when little girls don't have their Daddies around, but I agree with you, playing Peek-a-Boo Daddy is worst, IMO, than not showing at all. Kids need to know early on that they can trust their parents, and it sounds like your daughter would be sorely disappointed in her father, and his actions (or lack of).