To Be Wanted - It would be nice....

[yeslaurel]

Hello everyone….

I want to make this short and to the point. 

Perhaps I am making a big deal out of something small; however, I need to hear what others think….possibly some advice.  Hopefully, it helps.

My wife and I are happily married. We are in our 50s, very fit and athletic, and we have been together for over 24 years.  Our sex life is great; we do just about everything we agree to do with each other.  We have our toys, we agree to watch porn, different positions, play in the shower, etc.  

My issue is…about 95% of the time I have to initiate intimacy.  I have discussed this issue with her many times but she tells me that she rather have me do it.  I would like this to be more mutual and she initiate more often, use her hands more….I would like her to be in control every once in a while.  In other words, I want to feel wanted and feel the butterflies in my stomach. I have noticed that it has been more difficult to be turned on because I have to initiate.   I have told her this several times and does not seem to bother her.  

I will stop here because writing and thinking about it gets me upset.....it's very frustrating. 

[Rio]

Yeah I like it when my wife initiates stuff as well. she used to not do it so much but now she's a little more open. How about starting off with some sexual board games. Where on the cards there are instructions for them to do certain things to their partner. Or what I did before was put a blindfold on and laid in bed and said to my wife okay now use your imagination and do to me whatever you want to do. And after she initiates and does that then I reciprocated and did something to her. That's not totally initiating. Just a start but maybe she will find that exciting and then want to do it on her own.

[yeslaurel]

15 minutes ago, Rio said:

Yeah I like it when my wife initiates stuff as well. she used to not do it so much but now she's a little more open. How about starting off with some sexual board games. Where on the cards there are instructions for them to do certain things to their partner. Or what I did before was put a blindfold on and laid in bed and said to my wife okay now use your imagination and do to me whatever you want to do. And after she initiates and does that then I reciprocated and did something to her. That's not totally initiating. Just a start but maybe she will find that exciting and then want to do it on her own.

Thanks.  It seems like this is an issue for many men.  Sometimes I want to talk to other women about it at work, but it is just finding the right person and timing.  I have someone in mind however, but it's hard to talk about it because we work in a high paced environment.  She is a person that I can highly trust.

We have a blindfold and I can try that.  In regards to board games, she won't go for it because she likes to get into foreplay right away.  She won't have the patience for it.

Thanks

[Danceinthesheets]

I think the reality is, sexual desire doesn’t always occur spontaneously. Oftentimes, we women need to get ourselves in the mood for sex and get ourselves aroused before we experience desire. I honestly feel men and women are "hard-wired" differently.....anyway, this sure contradicts what we see in movies and porn — we don’t always walk in the door and want to tear one another’s clothes off. I am so glad you have initiated the concern with her because it would just make you feel worse harboring your feelings. Maybe treat your talks with her like a forum...much like what we are doing here on TT...exchange of concerns, ideas and solutions. Instead of saying to your partner, “You never initiate sex, and it’s pissing me off,” (which may very well put them on the defensive), start with an “I” statement that speaks more to your feelings than to their behavior. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed that you don’t seem to initiate sex very much, and it makes me feel like you don’t want me.” This gives your wife an opportunity to explain their perspective without feeling attacked.... tell her why you want her to initiate more in an encouraging way. Saying something like, “I love having sex with you,” or “When you come to me, it makes me feel wanted and the sex so much hotter."   After giving them a chance to respond, ask questions about why she doesn’t like initiating, and how you might be able to help encourage her or inspire her to initiate. ....

[yeslaurel]

Thanks for your reply.  I have read so much literature on men and women and sexuality.  It’s pretty much the same thing, there is no magic cure.  It’s either there or not.  I have brought up this concern just the way you have explained it and the reply I usually get from my wife is, “do you have to bring this up again?”  It’s like walking on eggshells, I have to be very careful when to bring this up.  The last few times I brought it up, she replied with, “I like for you to initiate it and take charge”.  Honestly, there are many times I think, maybe I should just leave it alone.  Our sex life is great and we are close…..I don’t want to jeopardize what we have now.  We have lots of toys, we fuck in different positions, we have anal sex, she loves it doggy style, she likes it when I use a cock sleeve, we watch porn together, she loves 69 and me on top, etc., etc.  My wife has come a long way.  She was no where near the way she is now over 20 years ago……it has gotten better.  Who knows, maybe she may gradually change with time.