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Submissive: A Retrospective


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It's been years since I've held the leash, but a series of bad conversations inspired me to write about my experience caring for and being cared for by 3 wonderful pets throughout my life.  Every Daddy or Dom should read this and cast a strong gaze inward.
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     It would be hard to believe that there exists a single adult in any industrialized country that is not aware of the quintessential BDSM relationship; the Dominant-submissive (D/s). With the prevalence of books and movies like "50 Shades of Grey" or, if you're a bit older,  "The Secretary", even preteens are endowed with, at the least, a surface level understanding of this enigmatic and controversial role play (or, for some, lifestyle).

     That being said, I have found it true that most people, even some who have participated in a D/s relationship for many years, have serious and honestly disappointing misconceptions about a submissive's need for the D/s dynamic, as well as the true intent of a healthy D/s session.

      Let us first consider the submissive; their desire, their expectations, their fears, and, most importantly their NEEDS. Obviously there are many misguided subs that enter into their submissive role for reasons outside of themselves or their control. Some people seek out a Dom due to an emotion as simple as low self-esteem, believing that, no matter what is done to them, they deserve to be abused or punished in order to externalize the perceived "lessness" that they feel. Others submit in an effort to please a partner in an attempt to appease his/her sadistic fantasies at the cost of the subs own pleasure, comfort, and, in extreme cases, their very self image.

     These examples are but two out of a literally innumerable amount of reasons that a person can mistakenly believe themselves to be a submissive, many of which can lead to irreparable harm both physically and mentally, at the hands of an equally confused and dangerously inept partner.

     Let me be clear: There is only one path a submissive can take in order to achieve a positive,healthy, and, often times, liberating experience, and that path leads directly to an equal exchange of power with their Dom. No matter the activity, should it be sensory deprivation, direct punishment, posture/pose training, ravishment, binding, or humiliation. A submissive can only experience the fulfillment of entrusting their whole selves (body and mind) completely to their Dom when they are secure in the knowledge that what they give will be returned willingly and in its entirety.

     I can already hear the furious typing of keys from those of you that would accuse me of not knowing what the hell I'm even talking about. ""I mean, obviously, a sub doesn't partake in the power dynamic... The whole damn point is the dichotomy of the power imbalance!! The sub feels liberated of the burden of choice and so experiences a freedom and lack of need that many will never know!! Their only worry, to do as instructed and please their Dom!!!""

     And to that I would reply: "Sir/Madam you've either never been a Dom or you've never taken into yourself the full weight of your position."

     Now we consider the healthy submissive. First their expectations. A healthy, mentally sound person has no need to relinquish their autonomy. In point of fact, its quite counter intuitive, like robbing a bank for no other reason than to wait for the police outside the front door with bags in hand. So what is the true motivation?

     I will tell you, it's the same motivation we as humans have to make most any decision. To gain... to profit... to be more than we had been prior. A healthy submissive gives in order to receive.Thus we move on to a healthy submissive's desire.

     In the beginning there will, indeed, be a rush of euphoria brought about by their helplessness. The lizard brain triggering a fight or flight response, flooding the brain with adrenaline, dopamine, and endorphins. This rush of chemical soup and over excited neural activity doesn't last very long, though. So what is the true desire?

     Once again, the desire is to be more than they were. To give themselves to the moment. To give themselves to the pain. To give themselves to their Dom. So that after having done so, after having given all to overcome this ordeal, they become more both body and mind. Given fully, given willingly, only to find that there was more deep inside of them all along. When, at last, they have given everything to their Dom, and their Dom restores to the sub all that was held in safe keeping, the sub becomes more, much more, liberatingly more than they had been before the session began.

     This building up, then tearing down, only to build up higher is the desire at the core of every healthy submissive. In a juxtaposition the like of which is rarely seen in any other interpersonal relationship on Earth, it is, in fact, the submissive that leaves a D/s session more powerful and mentally whole than when they went in.

     Which leads us smartly into what a healthy submissive fears: Loss and Limits.    A healthy sub expects to give of themselves so fully as to be practically stripped to the core of their being. A healthy sub desires the ordeal, sure in the knowledge that they will be more than they were when their Dom restores them. This cycle is penultimate in its importance and the responsibility for success rests firmly on the shoulders of their Dom.

     Loss of a responsible and trustworthy Dom, to a healthy sub, is terrifying for it portends the end of the cycle. The end of growth, the end of the ordeal, and the end of the D/s relationship. Limits imposed by the sub on the Dom are healthy for both, but they also present a terrible temptation for both.

   The sub, in effort to keep the Dom, will be tempted to let hard limits be pushed. The Dom, in effort to aid in the growth of the sub, will seek to tear down these limits along with the rest during a session.The healthy sub will fear both the loss of their limits and the loss of their Dom, as both could spell disaster and an end to the cycle.

     Which brings us full circle to what the healthy sub NEEDS. A healthy sub needs the cycle. As they grow in experience and trust with their Dom, so too does their strength as a person, a lover, and a partner flourish. In the end, a healthy, generous, intelligent, and worthy sub needs a Dom that understands a deeper meaning to their relationship and seeks to empower their submissive by aiding with their growth for as long as their sub needs them.



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  • 4 weeks later...
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Excellent. Well told and to the point. Yes, I agree, it can be liberating. There are many cross dressers who seek a submissive role. Again many cross dressers have gender identity conflicts and shame. In a submissive role the conflicts and shame are gone because they are doing what they do to please the Dom. That is extremely powerful and liberating.

As for the Dom they are in complete control free to do what they wish. Freedom is a much misunderstood concept. For freedom is the greatest responsibility one can ever have. Freedom is being accountable for your actions and choices. Being free to choose we are confronted with the dichotomy of all things good and evil.  Hence we are to believe that the Dom will act in the interest of the sub.

I recently saw a short clip of the wedding of a D/s. The sub is on a leash crawling down the aisle on all fours. And she is smiling like brides tend to do. What is wrong with this picture? Absolutely nothing.

Thank you for this excellent and informative post.

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