First time was a one night stand and I enjoyed it more than I thought I would???

[AngryChair]

So, I'm 18 and graduating in less than in a week. I'm also afab and in the closet about being queer, but that's not really relevant to the story so this is the only time I'm gonna mention it. I've had sexual experiences before, but they were all online and they gave me some trauma. Ultimately, they were bad for me and I wish they never would've happened. I also live in a conservative area. I wouldn't say my parents are strict, but I certainly don't talk about anything like that with them. They know I have feelings, I know they know, we all ignore it and go on with our days; so I wouldn't say this repression is because of them, it's probably a result of the general culture.

I've also always been an introvert. I have friends and I like talking to people, but only in small doses. More often than not, I'll be spending my free time alone; working on projects (both creative and for school), listening to music, driving, watching movies, stuff like that. I don't like meeting other people either, I hate making small talk and I don't have a lot of social skills so it just ends up being awkward.

Cut to a few days ago. I had a rough day and got to going to online chat rooms because I just wanted someone to talk to. The site was really sketchy and I didn't even know why I was on there; the people were weird and I was just looking for some support. But I felt obligated to stick to the conversations I was having, so I didn't log off. I ended up talking to this guy who was traveling to my area for work. He was also in his late 20s so there was an age gap that I wouldn't usually pursue. My age cut-off for dating is 17 (with a 6 month gap at most by the way, I'm not one of those weirdos who date freshmen 🤢🤢🤢) to 19 that way if I get a partner, we'll have some common ground; so this certainly wasn't someone that I was gonna go after in my normal life.

All in all, I'm just a reserved person who keeps to themselves. I've never dated anyone before and I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic; it's unrealistic, but I wanna fall in love in college and spend the rest of my life with my other half. I know that relationships take more work than that, but I'm holding out for hope. I'm a sucker, can you blame me? Considering that I hadn't even kissed anyone before, I thought my first time would be with someone who I was in a serious relationship with, maybe after an emotional moment that would symbolize us moving further and trusting each other more.

But before I knew it, I was headed towards a hotel room he was staying in. I went inside and there weren't any red flags (I made sure that I felt before ever meeting irl, don't worry lol). It was a bit awkward, but he was nice enough. He reassured me that we didn't have to go any further than what I was comfortable with and I could leave anytime. He didn't rush me or pressure me and I didn't feel like I had to go through with it; I genuinely wanted to. I had some alcohol to get rid of my nerves since I get more sociable and happy when I'm under the influence. I wasn't enough to get super drunk (certainly not black out, since I was driving home), just enough to reduce my anxiety and have the guts to make a move.

He went to use the restroom, I took my shirt off and showed off my sick folding skills (thanks, retail), then invited him to sit down next to me. He took his clothes off so that I wouldn't feel so nervous and before I knew it, it was actually happening. It was happening and I really liked it. I had dealt with insecurity issues before, but I thought that I was over them. Apparently not, because in my mind, I was being overly critical of myself. I was nervous that I wasn't attractive, but he didn't care about any stretchmarks, fat, or whatever else I was insecure about. I actually felt way more connected with myself and it was a really good time.

Before, sex was this huge deal to me. I was always sex positive, but I just didn't think I'd ever be the type to go out and have it with a complete stranger. But I did, and I knew immediately that I wouldn't regret it. There were some awkward moments (pausing to skip the song because I put on a playlist, phone falling behind the bed and having to find it, having to take my glasses off which made me disoriented) and it wasn't all of my dreams coming true, but it was nice. I realized just how critical of myself I really was and seeing someone else that didn't pay any mind to these perceived flaws was awesome; it helped me be nicer to myself because one of my biggest issues is beating myself up over everything (even when I don't think I'm doing it). And I don't think I mentioned it, but we used protection; I was very adamant on using it and he agreed completely.

I didn't want the night to end. I didn't have any feelings for him; he was too old for me to want to date and he had his own baggage that I didn't want any part of, but I was just feeling really euphoric and I wanted to try more. Eventually, I was snapped back to reality because I had missed calls from my mom. I don't go out much and especially not on a school night, so it was understandable for her to be worried (and it was around 10 pm). We both got dressed and I asked him to walk me to my car since I was still a little tipsy. He made sure that I was safe enough to go because he didn't want anything happening to me and we parted ways.

I got home and talked to my parents. My dad wasn't too worried, but he was glad that I was home. My mom was more worried. I was scared that she'd be mad at me, but she wasn't, and I felt bad. I didn't tell her the truth because I didn't want my family knowing, so I told her that I was out with friends and we drank a little, so I had to wait and sober up a little before getting home. She was a little upset and told me that I could always call her if I needed a ride home. I apologized and said that I didn't want her worrying about me and that I was just fine. I gave her a hug and then went to bed. replaying the night in my head.

I've had more time to process it and I was nervous that I'd regret it; I don't at all. In fact, I want to meet up again. Of course it should be on a weekend so I don't scare my parents like that; I love them a lot and don't want to hurt them, I still feel a bit bad for ignoring my mom's calls, but hey, what's done is done. He was nice, he isn't the type of person that I'd catch feelings for, and it's fun. I felt safe around him and since he doesn't live here, there's less chances of running into him unexpectedly and having an awkward moment. Overall, it was a really good experience for me.

And now I'm just a bit confused. I'm an introvert and a hopeless romantic. I don't wear revealing clothes and I don't talk about sex that much. I always thought that I'd be a bit hesitant and I'd have to build up trust with someone; I just wasn't the type to have a casual thing with someone. But it happened, and I liked it a lot. I want it to happen again, and I'm making plans to find more people over the summer (ones that I can trust, obviously).

I still really want a cute relationship with someone and I wanna do cheesy things with them, but I'm still not ready for a boyfriend since I have some issues I need to work through before getting into a relationship. I'm just confused. I'm not ready for a bf even though I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm perfectly fine having one night stands? Is it like this for anyone else? I feel like it'd be the opposite for me with how I am, but apparently not.

I'm glad I had a good time and discovered myself, I wouldn't change a thing about what went down. It just seems contradictory given how I am and I wanted to know if anyone has any insight lol. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I know it was a bit of a long post.

[Rio]

I'm happy for you angry chair. It sounds like you had a great first time experience and you were exploring your sexuality. Nothing wrong with that at all. Hope you can expand on your experiences and eventually find that one that you are looking for to make love instead of just have sex.