Unsattisfied And Ashamed

[lopezditaliax3]

My husband and I got together (Jan '06)when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my son (from my previous fiance who left me). So we did not have sex until about 3 1/2 months later. So we got to know each other without sex, which I am thankful for, not basing our relationship soley on sex. That's fine for some people, but I watched my sister do this and her and her husband regret there marriage almost every day. But anyways back to my story. For the first 4 months of our sexually active time, it was great. He occasionnaly touched me. He tried to go down on me once but he said his tongue got tired (after about 30 seconds) well I told him a couple weeks later that if he used his fingers also his tongue might not get so tired. I suppose he resented my comment and he's never tried again. To note I've only been gone down on once in my whole life, well some of my other boyfriends tried but they didn't stay down for longer than 1 minute either. So I kinda accepted that I was not going to get that in my life. Then me and my husband (then boyfriend) moved in together. The sex was still good. Then about a month later we started not having it everyday more like every other day, which is fine with me. (I like sex alot though) then it went to about every 3rd or 4th day. Since about 1 month before we moved in together he stopped touching me. The only time he does try to finger me is when i put his hand down there. I've tried to I guess antaganize him (?!) I dont know if that's the word. I am clean shaven in my pubic area. So sometimes when I know I'm extra smooth I say hey look how soft it is. Feel it. he puts one finger out and pretends to care. and says oh ya. then goes back to whatever he was doing. I asked him about it. He says he just doesn't want to. So I said ok. maybe he would like to later. but no luck yet. I read both articles 5 things men do and 5 things women do wrong in bed. I agree I could give more fellatio then a couple times a week. I enjoy finishing him off, and hand jobs too. so that's not a problem for me. I loved reading the part about the men with the timetable.

Perhaps you have experienced this as a woman (or have done this as a man): 10:00 kissing starts; 10:00:10 hands are groping for your bra strap; 10:01 bra off and hands are pulling and clawing at your breasts; 10:01:40 lips are locked on your nipples like a child suckling for the first time; 10:02 hands are going for your pants zipper; 10:02:30 pants or skirt are off; 10:03 hands are down your panties and fingers are groping for “the hole”; 10:04 he goes down on you for what he considers a long time – not taking time to pleasure you – simply doing his “duty”; 10:05 he gets up and removes his pants and boxers; 10:05:59 he is thrusting into you with the heat of a rocket ship; 10:07:09 he finishes, withdraws and rolls over.

Not quite how it's done in my bedroom. Here's how it looks from my end.

10:00 laying in bed.

10:00:05 he rolls over and puts his arms over me.

10:00:10 One kiss (rarely with tongue)

10:00:15 bumps his 'manlyhood' to my hip (letting me know he's horny)

10:01 pulls my hand down to his part

10:01:30 I massage him for a while

10:03 he says okay takes your pants off

10:03:40 pushes my head to let me know he wants a blow job

10:04 giving blow job

10:07 he sits up to let me know he's ready

10:08 fucking starts

10:10 tells me to grab him and fuck him

10:15 he decides he wants to move (he gets off the bed and goes to the foot)

10:15:30 we're at the end of the bed

10:20 just when i think he's gonna finish I let off a fake orgasm to compliment his then nope. he stops

10:24 I am just about to have a real one and he stops

10:30 He's almost there then nope

10:35 ok this better be the real thing. well????

10:37 finally.

10:37:15 up and off to the bathroom

10:38 he goes downstairs I clean off and lay in bed as if nothing happened. feeling unsattisfied and stupid.

So I dont know. maybe I am selfish. I feel selfish for wanting to be touched or felt like I am something other than to give blowjobs or intercourse. you know?! I fell really bad for feeling the way I do. Don't get me wrong I love and enjoy having sex with my husband. But I feel that sometimes I need for intimacy. I kinda feel if I get touched or gone down on that I shoudl be very thankful. and that giving a man pleasure if kinda something you are supposed to do, just expected. my husband also told me he is not into breasts or rear-ends. but i think it's just me sometimes. I can't tell him any of this, it just feels like i'm not supposed to. and i was wondering how much does sex play a role in marriage and the happiness in your marriage, can you be happy in your marriage with out being fully sattisfied in your bedroom?

I'm sorry if this is too long. I just need some advice. or someone to tell me to get through it. it's life. I am new at this I am so confused

[Tyger]

Well, first, let me start by welcoming you, and letting you know that you're not alone. Many people experience ruts, but this seems more than a rut. This is plain selfishness on your husband's part.

I will second that you start by reading some of the previous posts, because this really is a well covered subject.

It sounds as if you've tried to entice him to go for more, to no avail. And having enjoyable sex is a 2-eay street. If only one partner is really trying, the one that is trying gets left behind, and the other reaps all the benifits, but offers nothing in return. How fair is this??

Is your husband a lot older than you, or the same age? There are many things to consider, and, although you've given a lot of facts, it's really hard without a bit more specifics. I hate to go throwing out suggestions if they may be way off base, or somethig that's already been tried. Specifics like, how good was your sex life before? Did his view of you change after the baby? Has he always been sexually distant? Has he ever cheated/been cheated on? What is his REAL reason for not liking oral~have you asked him, or just accepted his answer? Have you ever sat him down, away from the bedroom, for a constructive sexual discussion? Have either of you discussed fantasies? Have his feelings changed? Does he have any medical issues?

Also, there is one slight "scold" I will offer up. NEVER fake an orgasm. If he's not doing it for you, make him do more. Don't make him feel good, if he's not reciprocating! Yes, yes, I use to fake orgasms. But, once I discovered that I was doing myself and my partner an injustice by doing so, and plus I was missing out. I am now a fairly selfish lover. Yes, I love to please, but I also love to be pleased. And, you know what? There's nothing wrong with that at all!! If, for example, he "gets tired after 30 seconds of oral play" from you. Do the same to him. Or, if he's not doing oral for you, don't do for him. He may or may not get the point.

Not only is he being selfish, but he is disrespecting you as his wife.

Try and answer my questions, and we may be better able to help.

[Mikayla1]

I echo Tyger's sentiments, and also send you a WELCOME!

The basic premise behind this issue is one that Howard is great at covering - sex is adult play - you have to play TOGETHER - and you have to give and receive and discuss and talk and DO! Plainly, there is NO way to have a satisfying and mutually pleasurable sex life without giving and receiving what you both want.

This means, your hubby needs to be going down on you. This is non-negotiable. You do to him, he has to do to you. Second, NEVER fake an orgasm! I wrote a whole article just on this! You are cheating yourself and your partner as well. You have an obligation to teach him to pleasure you.

Now, as I read and re-read your post I have a lot of issues with your hubby. This story sounds all to familiar to me. I had a friend whose husband was just like this. He wasn't a "breat man" or an "ass man" he would NOT go down on her - said it "smelled funny" and he would barely pay attention to her. He would get hard, tell her he wanted to "do her" and then fuck her, roll over and go to sleep.

What happened about 3 years later after MANY fights and nights of bad sex - he finally told her he thought he was GAY! So, he was not an ass or breast man cause he was a cock man! Now, I do not know your hubby, do not know his past - but I do think the similiarity between my friend and you are eerily close!

I think a frank discussion on what you both expect in bed is NECESSARY NOW! I also think that you should be very careful - this man is either very selfish, or there is more to it.

[lopezditaliax3]

Thank you all for replying to my post. This is an answer to Tyger

"Is your husband a lot older than you, or the same age? There are many things to consider, and, although you've given a lot of facts, it's really hard without a bit more specifics. I hate to go throwing out suggestions if they may be way off base, or somethig that's already been tried. Specifics like, how good was your sex life before? Did his view of you change after the baby? Has he always been sexually distant? Has he ever cheated/been cheated on? What is his REAL reason for not liking oral~have you asked him, or just accepted his answer? Have you ever sat him down, away from the bedroom, for a constructive sexual discussion? Have either of you discussed fantasies? Have his feelings changed? Does he have any medical issues?"

Yes he is 15 yrs my senios. I asked him whey he doesn't do it. If he thinks its gross or wrong. He said no he doesn't think it's gross or wrong or even smelly. He finally told me today that how he was brought up (in mexico) he doesn't see the reason to. Help I have tried to get him to realize how this is affecting me emotionally and physically. I feel incomplete in both areas. We were not together before I had the baby so there was no sex before the baby was born. he has never cheated, but his ex fiance (10 yrs ago) cheated on him. I have asked him about fantasies before because I like fantasies and are very open to them and he said he doesn't have them. and again Thank you so much. Last night I told him i felt incomplete in those areas and he did not realize how i felt. he started crying along with me. I just I feel I will not fully be satisfied if he starts now because I will feel he does not really want to. I go down on him because i enjoy making him happy. and i want him to enjoy making me happy otherwise i dont see the point.

[Tyger]

Luisa, thank you for your updated answers.

I will say, from experience, and not trying to sound racist or anything, but a lot of Mexican men have a somewhat sexist belief going on in their heads. The woman, in their eyes, is there to please THEM. To take care of the house, and in some cases, to be dominated & controlled. They have no idea that there is any other way that their women should be treated. It is upbringing, and instilled in an early age.

Now, I'm not saying ALL Mexican men are like this. I've also seen very sensual, loving, caring Mexican men who worship their woman. But some of their women have admited to me that it took them a loooong time to get them to realize how they wanted to be treated. The ones raised by women only, or have a great relationship with both parents, especially their mother, have a tendancy (like most men of any race, background, and lifestyle) to be a bit more sensitive.

There also has to be upfront, non-critical conversations. For instance, instead of saying "You need to treat me like this..." maybe use the wording "I really want to be treated like...." More "I" statements, than "you" make someone feel less attacked.

Your husband has to WANT to change. Some men, set in their ways, will not even fathom the fact that they've been doing something wrong, neglecting something, or not even have a clue what they're doing or saying. It happens, not only with men, but women as well. A lifetime of what he thinks is acceptable is going to be hard to change in his mind. It will take love, patience, and courage to get him to change. If it's not working with your hints, directness, even bluntness at times, then definitely see a professional. He may not want to go, but if he loves you and wants to change, BOTH of you should go and see where the marriage's strenghts and weaknesses are.

Good luck to you!