How Do I Boost His Confidence

[ShyBear]

Hi all, I have not been on in quite awhile. I have a new guy I have been seeing here recently. Moving pretty slowly this time around. Last guy I mentioned....LONG STORY!!!! Anyway, this fella is really sweet but he has some self esteem issues that I can tell have been brought on by previous relationships. I don't think he feels like he is "good enough" for me sexually but we do have sex. He is a very wonderful and giving partner...I don't know what was wrong with the women he was with before but there is nothing wrong with him. What else, other than tell him everytime we are done how wonderful it was, can I do to build his self esteem in that area?

He also thinks that he would be a lousy boyfriend but given the option of moving on alone or having me around, he wants to have me around...I know he cares but I think he is scared that I am going to hurt him the way these other women have in the past. How do I convince him that I am not the same as these other women? We are not in the committed phase of the relationship yet except to the point that we have agreed that we have sex with no one but each other....in other words we are not officially "boyfriend/girlfriend" but dating and headed that direction. I needed help reassuring him that he can trust me not to hurt him...how do I do that?

Any suggestions???

ShyBear

[Tyger]

I will agree with Howard.

Someone's confidence is built over time. There's no quick fix. Now, if he's, what I would call, high maintanance, meaning he CONSTANTLY needs compliments and reassurances, that can get tiring, and it may not be that he's insure at all, but just loves the ego boost. I'm not saying that's how he really IS, but my ex was like that, and it got very very tiresome having to always reassure and compliment him.

Your man's been cheated on, ok, sadly, most of us have been at one time or another. How we choose to handle it, IMO, is key on how to get over it, learn from it, and move on. Nobody can control a person's actions (not without A LOT of duct tape, and many violations of the law) . If someone is hellbent on cheating, they're gonna cheat. No matter how possessive or controlling one gets. Controlling has many forms, and it's not always the bossy, "where have you been"s or "your not gonna do that!"s either. Guilt trips, clingy-ness, and subtle jealousy are also forms of control. Not that I'm saying he does that either. Letting him know that the ones that cheated on him wasn't his fault may help.

Back to my original point. How we handle being cheated on is key. OK, so we got rid of the cheater. GREAT! Buh-bye, kicked your ass to the curb! That's a start. Constantly wondering what WE could've done differently to make it so that person wouldn't cheat is mute, and it'll drive you crazy. Hence my last paragraph. What your boyfriend may need to hear, is that, well, those women cheated on him because they didn't really know what they had. And, if they hadn't, then you never would've found each other. Try to put a positive spin on it. As much as cheating hurts, it's a life lesson, that one can learn from, if they choose to do so.

How do we find a cheater? Well, it's not like they wear it on their shirts, although some of the sayings shirts may point that way LMAO. Sorry. There have been a couple of guys, that are friends of mine, that will openly admit that they are "Dogs", even beginning a relationship. Then, when they cheat, if their partner finds out they're totally shocked, hurt, and upset that they had the nerve to do it to THEM of all people. Well, in the rare cases that you do meet a self-proclaimed "Dog", male or female, then don't expect them to stay true to YOU either.

People don't normally go around saying that they're a cheater. I would listen to friends and sometimes family. Teasing, hints, and jokes can have some true rings to it as well. Some people will say that there are ALWAYS signs, well, I have found that that is true, to a point. But, your best bet is to trust your instincts on that. If you TRULY feel as though you are being cheated on, look back at past behavior, then, chances are, you are being cheated on. If you have a pattern of choosing people that cheat on you, it may be time to re-evaluate the types of people you seem to go out with.

As far as lovemaking, just keep up with the verbal "OH YEAHs" (sincere ones). Let him please you by gently guiding him how to love you and give you pleasure. Compliment something that he REALLY does GREAT! Ask him what he like you doing too. It goes both ways. Teaching and being taught how to pleasure someone is a gift, not a right.

Maybe, once in a while, leave him little notes in his pocket (where he's sure to get it), wallet, car dashboard, ect....letting him know something good about himself. I say once in a while because too much over a short period of time may sound insincere, and overboard.

Appreciate him, love him, positive thinking (and getting HIM to try that too helps a lot), give him time. Hopefully, that will help.

[ShyBear]

Thanks Tyger and Howard....Well, he was definitely cheated on...and from what he tells me it was over sex. The woman bluntly told him the other guy was giving her better sex than he could ever give her. I know that had to have been a massive blow to his ego. Especially to have someone you love tell you this.

As far as Howard's suggestion of pointing out the other sex...we sort of already do that. He does that more than me. Sometimes I think he does it to see if I am going to get jealous. I don't take the bait of course...lol. I will either agree or disagree with him. Then if we are watching a movie for example and I see a good looking guy, I will say something like...Wow, He looked much better in such and such a movie....he is not as hot in this one. He will just laugh and say...I don't know..I don't notice those things... It does not bother him either. LOL. We are good there....I think.

He has recently asked for more space and has backed off from talking as much...I think he is feeling nervous about getting close. He tells me he has feeling but he is scared of them and he needs time to work through them. He still talks to me, but I am thinking he is backing away. He said he does not want to "break up" but he needs room to evaluate. One of my friends thinks he is sincere it what he says and to just be patient but don't wait forever on him either.

I appreciate all the advice and will put it to good use so long as my guy does not go running scared...lol.

Thanks again.

ShyBear!

[ShyBear]

Howard,

Took your advice....gave him his space but rather than sitting home twiddling my thumbs waiting on him to decide what he was going to do, I decided to continue going out with my other male friends. I did not call him, text him, IM him, email him, or leave comments on his myspace...I didn't contact him at all, I let him contact me if he wanted to talk...I would hear from him every few days....when he was done talking I would say ok see ya.

Well, weekend before this last one, I signed off of everything on my computer....I never ever do that unless I am away for the weekend. I went with a friend to the beach and hung out with another friend for the day and went to the movies with yet another friend.....no time for the computer basically...lol. Sunday evening on the way home from the beach my cell phone rings. It is him calling me. He NEVER EVER calls me...Always contacts me via IM because he has a hard time hearing over the phone. I didn't answer....I waited till later in the evening to call him back and asked what was up with him. I told him I went to the beach with a friend and right away he thought it was a "hot date" and I said no, just a friend. We began talking on the IM on the computer and talked for hours...he was like a whole different person suddenly...I think he realized that I was not going to sit here and wait for him to take his space and decide what he wants forever. I was actually going out having fun and there was a chance I would find someone else to replace him. He has been back to his old self, actually better!!!! Sweet again, leaving his IM open and available if I need him, answers texts and his phone....HE asked when I could see him again...I said I wasn't sure and he said he could drive up to see me...and he did...I am going to go see him this weekend...Taking things slow but I get the feeling he is more serious this time. I think he realizes I won't wait forever for him to make up his mind what he wants and if he wants me...he has to decide.

Thanks for all the great advice!!!

ShyBear

[ShyBear]

Well, So far so good, he is really seeming to make a lot of effort this time around. Spending time with my kids, taking things I like into consideration more, trying to spend more time with me even if it means he comes to me. He even stepped out of HIS comfort zone and slept over. That is the first time that has happened. His excuse was always that he was just not ready...He is making himself completely available to me it seems like. I am still on guard though. I am completely prepared in case he decides to turn tail and run again. I hope he doesn't....he really is a great guy...but if he does...I am ready...and there won't be any coming back a third time.

Thanks again for everything!

ShyBear