Virginity And Values

[Mikayla1]

VIRGINITY AND VALUES:

How Has “Virginity” Changed

This article is probably going to spark a great, BIG, debate – but that is why I am writing it. Recently, on our discussion forum, a poster asked a question about “penetration of sex toys” and virginity. There was a heated debate about whether this toy would render her a “non-virgin” and a bunch of other moral, religious and personal perspectives.

This led me to ask the question: How has “Virignity” changed, if at all, and what impact does this have on our values when it comes to sex?

MISCONCEPTIONS, MYTHS & MISCOMMUNICATIONS

I think most people in their 30’s and older grew up with the notion that the “breaking of the hymen” equaled de-virginization. The sex talk we all had in school didn’t discuss specifics when it came to how the hymen may break – but we did know that sex would do that effectively. Hence, stay away from sex and stay a virgin.

One of the first misconceptions related to the hymen is that the hymen, in fact, can’t really be “broken.” In MOST women the hymen is not a solid structure that the man forcefully breaks through in the heat of passion. No, instead the hymen is a circle of tissue that lines the inside of the vagina. There are variations of how thick or thin the hymen is, as well as the shape and size of this tissue. Some hymens surround the entire vaginal entrance with just a space in the center – these are called “Annular hymens” (Health24.com). Then there is the reverse, hymens that are open, with basically a thin line of tissue down the center (like a “do not enter” sign) and these are called “Septate hymens” (Health24.com). The rarest type of hymen, is ironically the type of hymen we women think we ALL have – the “Imperforate hymen” – which is an intact, thick piece of tissue that completely blocks the vaginal entrance (Health24.com).

What is the purpose of a mythical barrier that really isn’t a barrier at all? Well, medically speaking, the hymen is meant to “protect” the inner vagina against dirty and penetration of objects – especially in early years. Also, yes, it COULD be used to diagnose rape or sexual penetration – but usually, it is not so simple. There are more often other signs of assault aside from the “broken hymen.”

If we talk in religious or moral terms, the “hymen represents purity and innoncence. Many cultures have long used the instance hymen to single out those pure individuals – or to point to those who are NOT so innocent. Catholicism is one of America’s religious sects that insist in maintaining “virginity” through and intact hymen.

Since most people have hymens with “holes” in them, what is the purpose? How can this be an indication of anything, and why “protect a small, attached piece of tissue?” Medically speaking, the “hole” has a purpose along with the hymen. It is for menstrual flow. In fact, most imperforate hymens are diagnosed when a girl has reached the age of menstruation and has yet to have her period. The doctor does an exam and notices the hymen closing off the vaginal entrance. In this case, he or she makes a small incision to let out the menstrual flow. Would this girl still be a virgin then? We will discuss this later.

MAINTAINING THE MYTH

So, if the hymen is not an intact structure, and if most women have holes in them – what constitutes virginity and what takes that away? Unfortunately, this is not a black and white answer – and gets complicated based on a variety of factors. Let us begin with some common fears and issues surrounding the almighty hymen.

Tampons: Some women are told if they use a tampon, that they are no longer a virgin? MEDICALLY speaking, a tampon would easily (or with little force) pass right through the ring in the hymen. Therefore, there is NO more stretching or tearing of the hymen. She is not devirginizing herself. For other women, the hole is much smaller, and tampon use is painful. She believes, unjustly, that if she were to force the tampon into her vagina and tear her hymen more, she is no longer a virgin. Absolutely not. Using tampons does NOT render one a non-virgin.

Gymnastics, Horseback riding, Cheerleading: No, these are not “hymen myths” a girl really can tear or stretch her hymen to the point of disintegration by engaging in these activities. As the body contorts and stretches, so does the vagina, and hence the hymen as well. Some girls will never know that they have ruined their hymen, some may have bleeding and slight pain. Should they fear that they are no longer a “virgin?” ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Gynecological Exams: Women have to go to the Gynecologist, he or she has to do an exam, and this exam includes getting a swab of the cervix, which is WAY beyond the hymen. If a gynecologist has to push through a smaller hole (or make an incision as stated in the above example) – is the girl still a virgin? ABSOLUTELY!

I hope the trend is becoming apparent here. I think the modern consensus is that if a girl uses tampons, has a gynecological exam, or accidentally rips her hymen these in NO WAY make her no longer a virgin. Is there a distiniction between these things and other activities that render the same result? Let’s explore.

Finger Play (Solo or with a partner): In a time and age where sexuality is rampant and younger and younger persons are engaging in ALL kinds of sexual activity – where is the line drawn. Conceivably, if a woman inserts her own fingers, or has a partner do so, the hymen could be stretched by this activity. Does this then render her a “non-virgin?”

This answer is NOT easy to come by. If you ask some “experts” they will tell you that if a woman does it to HERSELF, she is still “pure” and therefore, a virgin. It is their contention then that sexual purity = virginity. Still others would suggest that any rupturing of the membranes through ANY activity used for sexual gratification renders them a non-virgin. Again, sexual purity as argument.

What about when a partner inserts fingers during sex play? Is there still ‘purity’ or has the woman been defiled by giving of herself in this way to a man? Again, no clear-cut answer here either. Many would suggest that any activity outside of “over the clothing” touching would cause impurity and that even allowing fingers to enter the vagina makes her a non-virgin. Some would state that without sexual intercourse there is still a “state” of virginity, regardless of how intense the sex play.

Toy play / Penetration play: It is no secret that women and men learn to masturbate early in life – usually much earlier than sex would even be a consideration. If a woman clitorally stimulates herself – or a man masturbates – are they still considered virgins? Yes. The consensus all around is that masturbation is the best way to maintain virginity. What then happens to the ‘purity’ argument? Can one be sexually pure if they are having orgasms and becoming sexually aroused? What if pornographic pictures or videos are used to obtain sexual gratification? Pure or not? That is a whole other argument!

It seems as though in some instances sexual purity matters and in some it does not. Is this an unfair restriction? Is it a distinction that even needs to be made?

What then happens when masturbation takes the next logical step and a woman advances to penetration? Some women use hairbrush handles, toothbrushes, flashlights and a whole host of other objects to insert inside themselves. These are “non sex toys” but are clearly acting and doing the same thing as a dildo or vibrator would. Does THIS then render her a non-virgin when clearly her hymen would be completely torn by such objects?

The answer is again divided. Many cultures will unequivocally state that if a woman no longer has an “intact” hymen that she is not a virgin. Some religious beliefs state that this type of sex play – even if done solo – is still a non-pure view of sex, and renders her no longer a virgin. So, what is the answer?

Medically speaking, according to my personal gynecologist, the medically accepted definition of virginity is: “When a woman or man has engaged in penile penetration during sexual intercourse.” Seems simple enough, but is it really? If NOTHING else but penile insertion makes a woman a non-virgin, what about all the other possibilities? My gynecologist states that there are too many reasons for the hymen to be torn, too many variables, that the standard has been that sexual intercourse is the only way to de-virginize a man or a woman. She states that when asking patients if they are virgins she only wants to know if they have had sex. PERIOD.

OK, so then, what does this mean for toy play? If the “penis” that is inserted into your vagina is battery operated, does it still constitute sexual intercourse? My gynecologist states that the distinction is one of medical concern. Meaning, if you are having sex with a live partner, there is the risk of STD, AIDS and PREGNANCY. If you are having “sex” with a BOB, then there are no risks, except maybe a yeast infection or bladder infection. So, from their standpoint, sexual intercourse with a live partner is the one consideration for virginity.

I played devil’s advocate and asked her if a young girl was sexually assaulted with, let’s say a bottle, and her hymen was ripped to shreads, would SHE still be a virgin? With a smile on her face, my trusted doctor said, “ahhh, you are getting technical now. It would be an unfortunate mistake to state that this young girl is still a virgin, because what this person has taken from her is so much more than her hymen – but her chance to CHOOSE her virginity. As such, the medical profession would say that he ‘tore her hymen’ in a manner consistent with vaginal rape (i.e. she is no longer a virgin)” Things are not so black and white, as we can see. However, I do understand the reasoning here.

This makes sense, but this is a TOTAL MEDICAL viewpoint. There is no consideration for religious, moral, parental or personal viewpoints.

TOYS NOT BOYS: PURITY, RELIGION, PARENTAL CONCERNS

I think that most parents of young girls would not be so happy to find their young daughters playing with sex toys. It is the realization of coming into sexual awareness, and as such, many parents panic. Would it be easy for a parent to tell her daughter that, “you will be a virgin until you have sex” and then still view her as a virgin if she finds a vibrator under her bed? Is there an age difference? What about a 30 year old versus an 18 year old?

Some parents would be grateful that their daughter is playing with TOYS and NOT BOYS – but others would still see this as affecting their sexual ‘purity’ and therefore, have a hard time still viewing her as a virgin, when knowing her hymen is no longer there.

What about religion? When young persons go to Catechism or Confirmation Classes they have a brief discussion on “sexual deviance and purity” in which sex is discussed. The intact hymen as representation of virginity and it is often suggested that refraining from ANY sexual contact between private parts (i.e., vaginas and penises) maintains virginity. Some religions also view masturbation or pornography as a horrendous assault on sexual purity!

What would a priest or pastor say if a young congregant asked about fingering or sex toys? I would wager the answers would be as varied as the kinds of religions we have! Some would say that any sexual gratification takes away sexual purity, some would say that only penetration would constitute a non-virginity rendering experience. Would any say that blowjobs, oral sex or masturbation are without religious stigma? I just don’t know!

If we looked at the Bible (at least one definining religious tool) there would be a variance of answers from which to pluck our personal definitions and guidelines. In short, there is no black and white answer when it comes to religion either. It depends on PERSONAL belief and your own religious background – as well as how much stock you put into that definition and description. It is not so clear-cut, such as “thou shalt not murder” is.

Probably the most difficult to discern and explain are those cultural beliefs. As we have all probably heard the horror stories of women being stoned for loosing their virginity – many of us can hardly believe that such a thing would happen anywhere in the world during this day and age. However, what about the “mental stoning” that people or religious head honchos put on our youth today? The fear and consequences are as real for us here in America as they are for the women of Uganda.

I think that cultural expectations are rampant here in the US as well. I feel that as long as there are cultural differences, there will be this divide in what defines virginity and how important it is. We can not ignore the obvious difference between the male “virginity” and the female. In many cultures, a man is allowed and sometimes encouraged to “sew his oats” before marriage, while a woman is strickly forbidden to do so.

Here in America, there is still this double standard of “Playboy” versus “Whore” – and this goes well beyond the reaches of virginity. Why is it expected that a woman be pure and save herself for her husband, while a man is encouraged and ushered into sex like a rite of passage? We may never know all the answers here – and many people don’t care one iota about it!

BE TRUE TO OWNSELF….

So, does this article help to explain or define virginity? No, not really. Why? Virgnity can’t really be defined, nor is it a “real” phenomenon. If we think about the hymen – it is not an infallible tool to prove virginity. If we explore sexual purity – there are too many variances to stick to. Culturally and religiously, virginity is defined in as many different ways as there are religions or cultures. In short, for most people, virginity is a state of mind!

While the medical definition of virginity seems to be engaging in sexual intercourse – the mental definition is still up for grabs. One woman may consider herself a virgin until she engages in oral sex, another may define it as finger play, and still another may say she hasn’t been a virgin since she broke her hymen riding a horse! We hear from our parents, pastors and priests what THEY think is virginity. We may or may not agree – but it is most likely the bare definition from which we will help form our own definition and understanding.

So, how does a person decide? Well, it is a variation of things, a matter of opinion, personal beliefs, cultural acceptances AND what we, as individuals, want to place upon ourselves as standards and barriers. If you decide to engage in sexual activity – but withhold sexual intercourse – and consider yourself a virgin – THEN BELIEVE IT AND OWN IT. If you decide that obstaining from ALL sexual activity makes you a virgin – THEN DEAL WITH IT AND HOLD TRUE TO YOUR BELIEFS!

The only acceptable definition that seems to hold true no matter how you are viewing virginity is – you CAN’T have sex and still be a virgin! So, I suppose that is my answer after thorough thought and investigation – SEX (with a partner) = no virginity. Does that mean that is MY personal belief? No, probably not. However, MY belief here doesn’t matter! We as women need to define that for ourselves –and defend it as well.

What society defines as virginity is so varied that there is not one concrete answer. Our own personal beliefs and morals have to be the defining criteria when determining OUR virginity! So, that is where I will end this discussion. What is virginity? Outside of withholding sexual intercourse, (penis in vagina sex) it is a state of personal belief that is surrounded by personal feelings and definitions that any person is willing to defend. That is my answer and I am sticking to it!