Wife Has Odd Views

[joey9817]

Ok my wife and I have an up and down sex life...meaning at times it is hot and others it is just routine...We have a few sex toys that I have seen her use with extreme results....I have been the one to always buy them though and introduce them into the bed room. I also travel a lot and i know she uses them while I am gone.

Well yesterday we were having a heavy make out session and I ended up going down on her in order to bring her to orgasm and she would just keep getting close then lose it. So I figured I would get one of the toys to add a little more and they were not in the usual place.

When I asked her about it she said that she had hid them from me and asked why do I feel like I cant handle the job, and starting saying that they are replacements and so on....

Replacements? I said they are not replacements! They are accessories! Ways to just play...They are toys!! She acted like I was unsure of myself and thought that I needed extra to pleasure her....I mentioned the fact that I know she has used them plenty of times and has always enjoyed them either with me or without me. Well that was the mood killer and we got dressed.

So I found them and put them away...

If she sees them as replacements...well then.....She will have to do without.

It just bugged me..isnt it usually the other way around..with men seeing them as replacements and feeling threatned??

Am I being unreasonable???

Gad you women are so damn complicated!!!!!

[joey9817]

While I agree that you wife has a serious problem in how she looks at sex toys, I believe your relationship has deeper problems than how you make love. I do think you are being unreasonable by saying she will have to do without if she thinks her toys are replacements for you. She may be having trouble with choice of words, and may not be understanding " replacement " the way you do.

Its clear that the two of you do not communicate well. I suggest that you find a marriage counselor to work with both of you on communication skills. The counselor can refer you both to a sex therapist when she thinks the communication issue is improved.

Best wishes.

Howard

yea you hit it on the head...We are going through some troubles right now...And yes I know it was an unreasonable action on my behalf... I remedied that and wont go down that road. It just took me off gaurd...the last month has really had me off guard anyways............................

We have been together for close to 17 years now..We got together as young kids. her mother passed away a few months ago and things have been def different since then. She says thatthings have been different for years. I felt like we were in a rut when ever I saw some signs...But every since her mother passed away she has been drinking more, She works in a bar/resteraunt and now she goes out more or hangs around her work more. I know she is not cheating on me..she is not wired like that and you would have to know her to understand how true that is.

I called her out on it one night afet I had been thinking on things and was getting ready to go out of town so I had bought her some flowers and a card with personal sentiments written inside and took it up to her work.

The reaction was not what I had expected and I called her out on later that night. She broke down and said that she just not felt in love with me for the last four years or so.....

Well we have been talking about that off and on now with me doing the most talking....She said she just felt like we were roommates...that we wernt really close as friends, there is no passion, and she needed the love and passion back in our relationship. So yes I have been paying closer attention, giving more attention, doing more around the house, going out more,and doing little romantic things..or trying too.

She keeps pushing everything back and saying everything I do feels more forced and fake than real. That anytime in the past that something happened and I started reflecting on our relationship that I would start doing things like i am now...And I cant call her out on that because yes..I probably did act differently. The thing that is different between now and thne is that we have not really argued real bad in years. Things have felt fine...in a rut yet fine. So I have been very attentive and wanting to talk about things. We are still loving and caring to each other....We still hug and kiss and conversate..there is just no heat.

This has took a different direction now and is posted in the wrong area....

[Tyger]

A death in the family definitely makes people take a hard look at thier lives, and can really put some things into perspective.

If she has said that she has fallen out of love with you, there's really not much you can do. Love can be forced. You've been together a long time, and, most likely are just really close Friends with the occassional benefits. Which, if you do decide to divorce, can be a good thing, remaining friends, especially if there are children involved.

She may be feeling guilty at the pleasures that toys help give her, which can be, sometimes, a bit more intense than just "regular" sex. But, if she's not able to orgasm with regular sex, maybe because she's no longer in love with you (and most women need to have a mental connection/feelings to be able to orgasm. It's more personal). She may feel bad that the toys can do what she knows you can't since there's no Love anymore?

I would suggest that the both of you go into couselling, to see whether or not this marriage can be saved, or if you should just part ways, with no hard feelings.

[joey9817]

Read the aritcles in our Sex Education section here. I believe you will find a fine article on how to rebuild the passion in a relationship. Many couples fail to make the effort to keep the fires alive. They take each other for granted. They become buddies, and not lovers. And they don't seem to understand how to turn that around. That is where marriage counseling can help the most. But, both of you have to accept the fact that you have both let yourselves down, and that its going to take efforts by both of you to rekindle the passion.

My wife was actually told to expect that the passion would be gone in 6 months after we married. She was horrified, and talked to me about it, because I had been married and divorced before I met her. I assured her that the passion can last if both of us worked on it, and didn't stop flirting, teasing, and playing together, in addition to sharing our thoughts, and conversations with others, with one another.

It just takes both of you to rewire your ideas about how to keep romance alive. You have to believe, both of you, that romance is important. Many people don't. You have to make your marriage a top priority, over careers, and even your kids. Many people can't. x

Best wishes.

Howard

Thanks Howard..

I am far from thinking there is nothing left.

My thoughts are that yes we have just become buddies, her mom passing away prob has her looking back and thinking of what she has missed due to the fact of being in a long relationship since she was just a young teenager. Working at the bar of course has more or less yearn for the youth she missed out on. I believe that if we just communicate more and get some common interest between us and throw in some common activities together things can get better.

We need to romance and rebond with each other. The love is not gone just the edge has been dulled and we need to sharpen up the edges again.