Wanna Play?

[pappyld04]

I am told that a 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank,

and the bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it

published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three "nanoseconds" must have elapsed

between his presenting the check and the arrival in my

account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course,

to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an

arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of

penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this

incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone

calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am

confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,

faceless entity which your bank has become.

>From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a

flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will

therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will

arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and

confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any

other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached

an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen

employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know

as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there

is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her

medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public,

and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation

(income, debts, assets, and liabilities) must be accompanied

by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number

which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that

it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have

modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to

access my account balance on your phone bank service. As

they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call

me, press buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am

there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am

sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending

to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at

home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer. (A password to access

my computer is required. A password will be communicated to

you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1

through 7.

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will

then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated

answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,

uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also

levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this

new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous,

New Year.

Your Humble Client