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Subject: another good story...

I worked for three years as a an emergency medical technician on the San Francisco Peninsula. My original partner has progressed and is now a licensed paramedic in San Francisco proper. His favorite call story involves being called code-3 to a residence by county communications for a 32 year old male. According to the dispatcher, the patient was complaining of a sudden onset of lower-quadrant abdominal pain. When the team arrived at the residence, they found the man on the toilet wincing with pain and telling them that he had done something "really stupid." On examination, the team found that the man had a frozen fish up his ass. The man had inserted the fish, head-first up his rectum from out of the freezer. After two or three "strokes," as he put it, it thawed out enough that the dorsal fin extended, making removal next to impossible. As professional as medical personnel often are required to be, my friend admitted that they both laughed out loud when they realized the predicament. When the patient looked at them in anguish, my friend could not contain it - "sir," he said: "You really should chew your food a little better!" He said the patient winced and laughed with them. -

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Gerbil story</FONT>

allegedly from the L.A. Times, but not really

>"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only>trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in>the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his>homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency>treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a>cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he>explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd>had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again,>so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might>attract him.">>At a hushed press conference, a hospital pokesman described what>happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal>gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and>severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and>whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the>intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.">>Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact>of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree>burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

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ABOUT GERBIL STUFFING - No actual reports verify any real incidences. YET, I'm sure! What follows is not for the weak of stomach. For starters, an awful lot of stuff has been found where that gerbil was found. The medical journals list, among other things, the following astonishing array:

A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3-1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2 jeweler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and much, much more.

In 1955 one man who was "feeling depressed" reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal wall. This changed his mood real quick.

"Insertion of foreign bodies into the rectum," as it is formally known, is by no means confined to gays. Many cases are ascribed to autoeroticism on the part of straights. Leaving aside victims of assault or accident, however, practitioners do have one thing in common: they're incredibly stupid.

You don't need to be an Einstein to realize that insertion of objects presents enormous health risks. The rectum can become lacerated, torn, or infected. Long-term effects can include a flaccid sphincter and fecal incontinence.

Which brings us to gerbils. While the examples above are well-documented in the medical literature, live or recently deceased fauna are something else.

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