Found Some Of These Child Support Answers!

[pappyld04]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[pappyld04]

American Conspiracy?

Consider this ... and remember that it is all completely true.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.

John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.

John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.

Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.

Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.

Both were succeeded by Southerners.

Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.

Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.

Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.

Both names comprise fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theatre and were caught in a warehouse.

Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.

HERE'S THE KICKER:

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.

A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe....

[pappyld04]

Genuine warnings written on military equipment and publications:

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." -U.S. Army

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." U.S.A.F.Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." --Col. David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." Unknown Army Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Unknown

(And lastly) "If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." --U.S.A. Ammo Troop

[pappyld04]

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed

through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on

consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -

NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -

REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -

USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -

AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -

THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -

TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO

ROOM TEMPERATURE

BEFORE OPENING.

(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -

LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED

PORTION LIKE

A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR

APPROXIMATELY 5

MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -

OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -

WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -

DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -

YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -

DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -

DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -

PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -

WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -

FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -

NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -

WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts

INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

[pappyld04]

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with alot of work- weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

Some Dont's: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.