Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 The following are taken from entries made on genuine Child Support Agency Forms:01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. 02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks. 04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted May 20, 2008 Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Wow....I love the response about EuroDisney!! LMAOYou know, some of these are funny, and I am all for women having multiple partners if that's what they choose to do, SAFELY and RESPONSIBLY. But also, it's sad that some women have NO idea who the father is......it's mostly sad for the child. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 I CONCUR! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees. A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle. Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time. Candidate fell and broke arm during interview. Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office. Candidate explained that her long-term goal was to replace the interviewer. Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico. Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece. Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm. Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions. Candidate brought large dog to interview. Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up. Candidate dozed off during interview. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates. "What is it that you people do at this company?" "What is the company motto?" "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?" "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?" "Why do you want references?" "Do I have to dress for the next interview?" "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?" "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?" "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?" "Does your health insurance cover pets?" "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?" "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?" "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?" "Why am I here?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process. I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement. At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking. I feel uneasy indoors. Sometimes I feel like smashing things. Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars. I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington. I get excited very easily. Once a week, I usually feel hot all over. I am fascinated by fire. I like tall women. Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex. People are always watching me. If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back. Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct. I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker. I never get hungry. I know who is responsible for most of my troubles If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival. I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me. My legs are really hairy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.... Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son - the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere. Q: You were not shot in the fracas? A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show? WITNESS: There were traces of semen. LAWYER: Male semen? WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago? WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question. LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp? WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital. LAWYER: It was covered? WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged. LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see? WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head. CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..." WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God." CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." WITNESS: That's right. CLERK: Repeat it. WITNESS: "Repeat it". CLERK: No! Repeat what I said. WITNESS: What you said when? CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..." WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give." CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know. CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..." WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and." CLERK: Say: "Nothing...". WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.) CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say:"Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: Yes. CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."? WITNESS: Yes. CLERK: Well? Do so. WITNESS: You're confusing me. CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...". CLERK: Yes. WITNESS: Okay. I understand. CLERK: Then say it. WITNESS: What? CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: But I do! That's just it. CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..." WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth! CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth". WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now? CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words. WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth." CLERK: Thank you. WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar. LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed? WITNESS: I did. LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond? WITNESS: I did. LAWYER: And did you observe anything? WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.) LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw? WITNESS: I saw George. LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing? WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.) LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so? WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks. LAWYER: His "thing"? WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis. LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: Did you say anything to him? WITNESS: Of course I did! LAWYER: What did you say to him? WITNESS: "Morning, George" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 !!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!! Some of these are fairly graphic!!!! The Darwin Awards are awarded to individuals who through acts of extreme stupidity kill themselves and thus remove their defective gene from the human gene pool. Here are some of the nominees:--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to a one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object, that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------James Brian Wise, 20, of 390 Davenport Ave., Valparaiso, was twirling a gun at some friends' house in Fort Walton Beach on Friday night when it went off and shot him in the head, according to a report from the Okaloosa County Sheriff's Office. The incident occurred at 1821 Whispering Oaks Lane, Fort Walton Beach. The Sheriff's Office responded at about 9:40 p.m. Jessica Nicole James, 18, was the primary witness cited in the report. According to the report, James said Wise was in the kitchen of her home when she noticed a gun sticking out of his waistband. When she commented about it, he unloaded the gun and handed it to her for examination. She gave it back; he reloaded it and began twirling it in his right hand. The gun went off and shot him in the head. Wise died the next day. Wise, an employee at Brooks Auto Body in Crestview, was born in Tampa and graduated from Niceville High School this year. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Jacksonville, Florida woman recently had to summon emergency help after dragging her husband down the street behind their pickup truck. Chief Petty Officer Roman Styles, U.S. Coast Guard Station Jacksonville, was treated and released with a slight concussion and scrapes and bruises. It seems that Styles decided to repair damaged shingles on his house himself, instead of paying a contractor to do it for him. Prior to climbing up on his steep roof, Officer Styles tied a safety rope to the trailer hitch of his truck. Once on the peak of his roof he secured the other end of the line around his waist. He then slid over the top of the roof to repair the shingles. As luck would have it, right after he started to work, his teenage son called for a ride home from a Boy Scout trip. Jane Styles yelled to her husband she'd be right back and pulled away. "I didn't see the rope," Mrs. Styles said, "until I saw it in the rear-view mirror. By then I was half-way down the street." Bill Schlimm, a next door neighbor, said, "I'll never forget the look on Roman's face as he came sailing over the peak of that house. If it hadn't been for that tall cedar tree he would have been really hurt." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A would-be shoplifter in London attempted to steal two lobsters. The ingenious felon stuffed the lobsters into his trousers and headed for the door of the supermarket. Near the exit, our larcenous Londoner doubled over in excruciating pain and lay on the floor screaming. It seems that the lobster's claws were not tied down and one of the tasty crustaceans decided to have the thief's family jewels for lunch. The paramedics were called in to remove the carnivorous crustacean from the very sensitive portion of this thief's anatomy. After they stopped laughing, a pair of pliers successfully accomplished the removal much to the relief of our suffering suspect. No information was available on the extent of the member's (sic) injuries or his future fatherhood potential. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------San Jose, CA. March 26, 1999: 1923hrs. Police, Fire and ambulance respond on a call for unknown medical emergency - turns out to be a DOA. Further investigation reveals it to be a suicide. Quite successful. Further investigation reveals this sequence of events: 27 yr old male gets a circular saw blade, cuts holes in the side to fit the lug nuts on his car. He mounts the saw blade to one of the front wheels in place of the tire. Jacks the car up with a hydraulic jack. Starts the motor and puts something on the accelerator to spin the front wheels. Lays down below the spinning saw blade, which is above his neck. Reaches out and unlocks the hydraulic jack. You can guess the rest.Thanks to Dave Larton --------------------------------------------------------------------------------An Iraqi terrorist , Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was killed in the resulting explosion. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------BUCHAREST (Reuters) - Romanian first division soccer player Mario Bugeanu and his girlfriend died of carbon monoxide poisoning in his car after making love, police said Tuesday. Gloria Bistrita midfielder Bugeanu, 24, and his 23-year-old girlfriend Mirela Iancu died after having sex Sunday in a garage with the car running, police colonel Dumitru Secrieru said. "They appeared to be unaware of the dangers of carbon monoxide," Secrieru said. The couple was discovered by the player's father Monday morning. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In Van Nuys, California, Anita French, an aspiring zoo keeper, loved reptiles. She kept 10 deadly snakes and six piranhas as pets in her mobile home. She wasn't afraid of them; apparently she had been bitten several times without fatal consequences. Finch trusted her snakes so much that she would let them loose as she cleaned their cages. Her reptilian friends included a Gabon Viper, a Hog-Nosed Sand Viper a 3-foot Western rattler, two 4-foot Eastern diamondback rattlers, a South Pacific rattlesnake, considered extremely rare, one King snake, a gopher snake, and two copperheads. Anita Finch, 33, was found dead in her mobile home by a friend and the lot manager Wednesday, Dec 15, evening. Charlene McMorris, manager of the Vicabob Trailer Park Village at 7560 Woodman PLace, said her tenant loved her snakes and feared city inspectors would confiscate them. She believes Finch was searching for a missing snake because her home was turned "upside down", with the refrigerator moved and pans scattered around the kitchen. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------"The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of 'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters. "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand's manhood." He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room. "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained, "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God." It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping. "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities. "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something." "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan," Ratchasima concluded. "Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ljubljana, Slovenia - A passionate angler at an eastern Slovenian lake caught a fish so big that he drowned trying to reel it in, the state-run news agency reported Tuesday. Determined to land the sheatfish, a typoe of catfish, the 47-year-old fisherman walked into the lake after hooking it and refused to let go when it pulled him under, the STA news agency, quoted a friend of Franc Filipic as saying. The friend, who was not identified, said Filipic's last words before he drowned were: "Now I've got him!" Police and divers found his body after a two-day search. The fish was not found. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In unincorporated Fox Lake, Illinois, 28-year-old Daniel Wyman drowned after he and a companion inadvertently blew a hole in the bottom of their boat with an M-250 firecracker. The M-250 firecracker is the equivalent of one-fourth of a stick of dynamite. Daniel Wyman and his friend threw the firecracker into the water near their 14-foot aluminum rowboat. The boat was caught by a gust of wind that pushed the boat over the explosive. The boat was not equipped with life preservers; Wyman, who could not swim, drowned when the boat sank. His companion swam to shore and was taken to Northern Illinois Medical Center in McHenry for observation. Fox Lake Fire Capt. Thomas Preidis said that the device probably had floated back to the surface when it exploded; otherwise the cushion of water between the explosive and the boat probably would have prevented a breach of the hull. "We really don't know why it happened," Preidis said. "It's getting close to the 4th of July, and people like to blow off fireworks. When you throw an M-250 in the water it makes a nice big geyser. Then again, they may have been trying to scare fish to the surface." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones,21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off of a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A 7-year- old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------A WWII-vintage bomb dug up from under a house in the Philippines exploded Monday, December 7, 1998, killing the owner of the house and three others. Philippine police said that carpenters were installing a septic tank 15 DAYS AGO when the found a bomb under the house in Tacloban, 360 miles southeast of Manila. The 1,000-pound bomb went off as they were tinkering with it, instantly killing the four and destroying the house. When someone "tinkers" with a 1,000 pound bomb for 15 days they deserve to be removed from the gene pool, and the great news is that four geniuses were removed! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene. According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain. Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries. "So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[AP, St. Louis, MO] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[uPI, Spain] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock - and was killed instantly when it fell on him. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Man Loses Face at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Dincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and trying to explode it," Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." "He put it in his mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth off, his tongue and his lips." Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesman at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[uPI, Portland, OR] Doctors at Portland's University Hospital said that Wednesday an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive, and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous, in Grants Pass, Ore. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Roberts' right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Dr. Johnny Delashaw at the university Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain, with the tip protruding at the rear of his skill, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Robert tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------[AP, Arkansas] Pillsbury DoughBoy Wanted for Attempted Murder. A woman named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open. She looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't know what to do; so she ran into the store where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brain in! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Unknown, 25 March - A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was 22...a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario - Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said. One of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------UPI, Toronto - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock. Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Snappy Answer #1A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."Snappy Answer #2A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."Snappy Answer #3The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.Snappy Answer #4A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."Snappy Answer #5A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEARA college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 The following questions and answers were collected from last year's GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds. Geography Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: What is a planet? A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Sociology Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections? A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Biology Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A] Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U. Q: What is the Fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: What is the most common form of birth control? A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section." A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome. Q: What is a seizure? A: A Roman emperor. Q: What is a terminal illness? A: When you are sick at the airport Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas. EnglishQ: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning. A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face... Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Technology Q: What is a turbine? A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 I went to McDonalds. I looked at the menu and saw that you could have an order of 6,9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half-dozen nuggets. 'We don't have a half-dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. ' You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half-dozen nuggets but I can order six?' 'That's right.' so I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. MAKES YOU WONDER HOW THESE PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE!! --------------------------------- A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the internet and they asked for a credit card number, so she's using the ATM 'thingy'. --------------------------------- I recently saw a distraught young lady beside her car weeping. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you thing they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and ckeck about the batteries? It's a long walk.' -------------------------------- Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies. -------------------------------- I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in 'Twister'. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the 'cruise control' and then went in the back to make a sandwich. -------------------------------- Sign in a gas station: Coke - 49 cents; 2 for a dollar. -------------------------------- My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?' -------------------------------- I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to him that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, he was very disappointed. -------------------------------- Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. the message 'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the suspect confessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Newspaper Headlines from 1998Posted By Richard (24 April, 2004) Include Your Children When Baking Cookies Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told Miners Refuse to Work After Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter War Dims Hope for Peace If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Genuine comments made by attorneys in court:---Was that the same nose you broke as a child? ---Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? ---What happened then? He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Did he kill you? ---Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? ---The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? ---Were you alone or by yourself? ---What is the meaning of sperm being present? It indicates intercourse. Male sperm? That is the only kind I know. ---Can you describe the individual? He was about medium height and had a beard. Was this a male or female? ---How long have you been a French Canadian? ---How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision? ---Mr. Clark, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?I went to Europe, sir. And did you take your new wife? ---Do you have any children or anything of that kind? ---I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. That's me. Were you present when that picture was taken? ---Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? ---Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? By death. And by whose death was it terminated? ---Do you know how far pregnant you are now? I'll be three months on November 8. Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? Yes. What were you doing at that time? ---Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? I used to be. How many times have you committed suicide? ---So you were gone until you returned? ---She had three children, right? Yes. How many were boys? None. Were there girls? ---You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? ---Lawyer: What device do you have in your laboratory to test alcohol content? I have a dual column gas chromatograph, Hewlett-Packard 5710A with flame ionization detectors. Judge: Can you get that on mag wheels? Only on the floor models. ---Have you lived in this town all your life? Not yet. ---All you responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to? Oral. ---Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Yes, I have been since early childhood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! NAME: Greg Bulmash SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person. DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION: Yes. LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility. SALARY: Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any. PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what? DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?" HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes. DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now. DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely. SIGN HERE: Aries Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 A selection of true stories from IT Helpdesk StaffCustomer: 'I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.' Tech Support: 'Did you install the update?' Customer: 'No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?' ---Customer: 'I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word.' Tech Support: 'Tell me what you've done.' Customer: 'I typed 'A:SETUP'.' Tech Support: 'Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.' Customer: 'It says '$PC manufacturer! Restore and Recovery disk'.' Tech Support: 'Insert the MS Word setup disk.' Customer: 'What?' Tech Support: 'Did you buy MS word?' Customer 'No...' ---Customer: 'I'm thinking about writing a book on the problems I'm having with S3 Video cards and warp and...' (blah, blah, blah, etc.) Tech Support: 'What exactly is your problem?' Customer: 'I've downloaded the video drivers for the PS/VP's with the S3 chipset, and they won't work on my machine.' Tech Support: 'Have you got a PS/VP sir?' Customer: 'Well...no.' ---Customer: 'Do I need a computer to use your software?' ---Tech Support: 'What type of computer do you have?' Customer: 'A white one.' ---The customer was using release 1 of Windows 95, and I was using Windows 98, so I had to ask her a question about what her Explorer window looked like:Tech Support: 'Up at the top it says File, Edit,a nd View. What does it sayjust to the right of View?' Customer: 'Edit.' Tech Support: 'No, to the right of View.' Customer: 'Edit.' Tech Support: 'Ok, what's on the other side of View?' Customer: 'Oh, Tools.' Tech Support: 'Click your left mouse button.' Customer: 'Which one is that?' Tech Support: 'Well, you know your left from your right, so click the buttonon your left.' Customer: 'Oh.' Tech Support: 'What happened?' Customer: 'Nothing.' Tech Support: 'You did click the left mouse button?' Customer: 'I think so.' Tech Support: 'The one on your left?' Customer: 'Which one was that again?' ---Someone complained that her monitor was 'all green.' The problem, I guessed, was due to the monitor cable not being correctly connected, so that the red and blue pins weren't making contact. I talked her through the checking process, but she was adamant that the cable was correctly plugged in. Somewhat puzzled, I decided to visit her office. Sure enough, the cable wasn't correctly inserted. She'd forced it ina nd bent some pins. I pointed it out, and she said with some astonishment, 'It wasn't like that a moment ago' I fixed it, then asked what it had been like before. She said that theplug had been a different shape. I finally figured out what she meant. She had been checking the other end of the cable, where it plugs intothe desktop chassis. I pointed this out to her. She said, quote, 'Oh I didn't know it had two ends' ---Customer: 'I'm going to be using Windows NT. Should I get the Server or Workstation version?' Tech Support: 'Well, are you using it as a workstation or as a server?' Customer: 'A server. So, which one do I get?' Tech Support: 'The server version perhaps?' Customer: 'Which one is that?' Tech Support: 'Windows NT Server.' Customer: 'Ok, thanks.' ---Giving instructions on how to use Microsoft Word 7: Me: 'Type in a few words, or a test sentence.' Secretary: (skeptically) 'With what?' Me: 'The keyboard.' Secretary: 'The what??' Me: 'Keyboard. The jobbie in front of you with the keys on it.' Secretary: 'Oh. That.' Me: 'Yeah, it works like a typewriter.' Secretary: 'I don't understand. (types a few words) 'Oh Hey It works justlike my typewriter' Me: 'Uh-huh...' ---Customer: 'Uhh...I need help unpacking my new PC.' Tech Support: 'What exactly is the problem?' Customer: 'I can't open the box.' Tech Support: 'Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go fromthere.' Customer: 'Uhhhh...ok, thanks....' ---I told one of our customers to send an email message to me so I could see if her mail was working. I told her that my address was mjq@$host!. She replied, 'How do you spell 'mjq'?' ---Customer: 'What's a colon?' Tech Support: 'It's the key next to the 'L' key on your keyboard.' Customer: 'How do you spell 'L'?' ---Tech Support: 'Type 'A:' at the prompt.' Customer: 'How do you spell that?' ---Once I was walking a gentleman through the steps to do something -- Idon't even remember what -- and when we finished, a dialog box appeared. It offered to do what we wanted it to and had a single button -- the OK button. He sat there for a minute and hen, frustrated, asked me what he had to do next. 'Tell the computer 'OK,''I said. He leaned forward and said in a loud but clear voice, 'OK' ---Tech Support: 'Can I help you?' Customer: 'Let's get something straight right away. I'm a Mac tech, so I know what the hell I'm doing.' Tech Support: 'Ok.'This caller needed to reinstall fonts; we started the install, and a couple of minutes later... Customer: 'Uh...it's telling me I have to insert disk 2. What do I do?' Tech Support: 'Um...insert disk 2?' Customer: 'Ok.' Tech Support: 'Ok, now press the right arrow key.' Customer: 'The bar is going down.' Tech Support: 'Are you pressing the right arrow key?' Customer: 'Yes, and it's still going down.' Tech Support: 'Are you sure you're pressing the right arrow key?' Customer: 'Yes, oh, that's the key with the arrow pointing right,isn't it?' Tech Support: 'Er, yes.' Customer: 'Ok, another menu has come up.' ---Once a student had a problem printing. What was the matter? 'It's not printing,' he said. So I went to take a look. On the student'scomputer, a message was displayed: 'The select light is off. Please press the 'select' button, and click OK to continue.' Sure enough, pressing the select button and then OK worked. ---Customer: 'I can't get into the database.' I check the usual stuff, but it's all fine. Tech Support: 'Can you go and check if the server is working?' Customer: 'No.' Tech Support: 'What do you mean, 'no'?' Customer: 'No, I can't do that.' Tech Support: 'Why not?' Customer: 'Well, it's not there.' Tech Support: 'It's WHAT?' Customer: 'They took it away to be upgraded.' ---Tech Support: 'What seems to be the trouble?' Customer: 'Well, my monitor is going out. Does that have anything to do with my hard drive?' ---My best friend's family recently bought a new computer. They had all the hardware set up and the software ready to be installed when the step dad picks up the Windows 95 box and says to his wife:'Dal, how do they get the box into the computer?' I cracked up in his face and haven't been welcome there since. Apparently he thought that to install software you had to get the boxin there somehow. ---Customer: 'I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'Bad command or filename'.' Tech Support: 'Ok, check the directory of the A: drive -- go to A:and type'dir'.' Customer reads off a list of file names, including 'INSTALL.EXE'. Tech Support: 'All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL'again.' Customer: 'Ok.' (pause) 'Still says 'Bad command or file name'.' Tech Support: 'Hmmm. The file's there in the correct place -- it can'thelp but do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L andhitting the Enter key?' Customer: 'Yes, let me try it again.' (pause) 'Nope, still 'Badcommand orfile name'.' Tech Support: (now really confused) 'Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'Enter'? 'Customer: 'Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the'M' key...does that matter?' ---I recently overheard this family conversation: My Mother-In-Law: 'The computer you have works, right?' My Husband: 'Yes, it's brand new, why?' My Mother-In-Law: 'Well I was wondering if I could put mine like that.' My Husband: 'What do you mean?' My Mother-In-Law: 'Well the big box, it's on the wrong side.' My Husband: 'What big box?' My Mother-In-Law: (pointing to the CPU case) 'That one.' My Husband: 'I don't know what you mean.' My Mother-In-Law: 'Well ours is on the right.' My Husband: 'It doesn't matter which side it's on, as long as thecablereaches.'My Mother-In-Law: 'Really?' My Husband: 'Really.' My Mother-In-Law: 'So that means I can put the printer anywhere too?' My Husband: (chuckling) 'Yeah, Mom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Satire is a wonderful medium. It is a way to have fun with the famous people of the day. Every once in a while a clown comes into the spotlight that needs no satire, no spoof or intentional ridicule. We, in the world of satire, have been handed a huge gift in the President of the United States, George W. Bush.Is Bush stupid? You bet he is. He is dumber than an old dead tree stump. If you ever get the chance to really listen to him speak, you'll soon understand that Bush is nearly illiterate. He even has trouble keeping his thoughts together in a coherent manner.This is not satire. While this is a satire medium, I wanted to show that Bush needs no help in spoofing himself. The following are actual quotes from the most powerful man in the free world. Please, read these and then tell me that the previous sentence isn't truely scary. "I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." -George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." -George W. Bush, speaking at the Radio & Television Correspondents dinner, March 29, 2001"I'm hopeful. I know there is a lot of ambition in Washington, obviously. But I hope the ambitious realize that they are more likely to succeed with success as opposed to failure." -George W. Bush, Jan. 2001"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." -George W. Bush, in a pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report.Nope, Bush needs no satire writers to make him look stupid. But his ignorance sure does make him an easy target for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 How to Beat a Speeding TicketA police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange : Officer: May I see your driver's license?Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen?Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license?Driver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.Captain: Whose car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.The driver owned the car.Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Funny Store Signs1.Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary, we hear you coming." 2.Outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." 3.On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman , and the 2nd one just left." 4.In a veterinarians waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit ! Stay!" 5.At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't you will be." 6.On the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte." 7.In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up." 8.Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop." 9.In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait." 10.In a counselors office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Funny Quotes about Death1. "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen. 2. "The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with - sudden death." Michael Phelps 3. "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."Emo Philips. 4. "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson. 5. "A grave is a place where the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student." Ambrose Bierce 6. "If your time hasn't come, not even a doctor can kill you." MA Perlstein 7. "At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."Patrick Moore. 8. "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying." Woody Allen. 9. "There are three natural anaesthetics: Sleep, fainting, and death." Oliver Wendell Holmes 10. "Either he's dead or my watch has stopped." Groucho Marx. 11. "Dying is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it." Somerset Maugham 12. "At my age flowers scare me." George Burns 13. "There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?" Woody Allen. 14. "Death is just nature's way of telling you to slow down." Dick Sharples 15. "They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days." Garrison Kielor. 16. "The report of my death was an exaggeration." Mark Twain. 17. "I don't mind dying, the trouble is you feel so bloody stiff the next day." George Axlerod 18. "It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life." Jimi Hendrix. 19. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." Mariah Carey. 20. "Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce. 21. "My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?" Margaret Smith. 22. "I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death." Phyllis Diller 23. "On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down." Woody Allen. 24. "Picasso was a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple little man. When I met him he was extremely excited and overjoyed that his mother-in-law had just died, and he was looking forward to the funeral."Edith Sitwell 25. "I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere." George Burns. 26. "My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying." Ed Furgol. 27. "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." Rita Rudner. 28. "When I came back to Dublin I was court-martialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence." Brendan Behan 29. "The court was not previously aware of the prisoner's many accomplishments. In view of these, we see fit to impose the death penalty." Quentin Crisp 30. "When you've told someone that you've left them a legacy the only decent thing to do is to die at once." Samuel Butler. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Funny NewsFrom the Churchdown Parish Magazine: "Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled 'For The Sick,' is for monetary donations only." --- From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case." --- From The Gloucester Citizen: A sex line caller complained to Trading Standards. After dialling an 0891 number from an advertisement entitled 'Hear Me Moan' the caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer Watchdogs in Dorset refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.' --- From The Barnsley Chronicle: Police arrived quickly, to find Mr Melchett hanging by his fingertips from the back wall. He had run out of the house when the owner, Paul Finch, returned home unexpectedly, and, spotting an intruder in the garden, had visiting Mrs Finch and, hearing the front door open, had climbed out of the rear window. But the back wall was 8 feet high and Mr Melchett had been unable to get his leg over. --- From The Scottish Big Issue: In Sydney, 120 men named Henry attacked each other during a 'My Name is Henry' convention. Henry Pantie of Canberra accused Henry Pap of Sydney of not being a Henry at all, but in fact an Angus. 'It was a lie', explained Mr Pap, 'I'm a Henry and always will be,' whereupon Henry Pap attacked Henry Pantie, whilst two other Henrys - Jones and Dyer - attempted to pull them apart. Several more Henrys - Smith, Calderwood and Andrews - became involved and soon the entire convention descended into a giant fist fight. The brawl was eventually broken up by riot police, led by a man named Shane. --- From The Daily Telegraph: In a piece headed "Brussels Pays 200,000 Pounds to Save Prostitutes": "[T]he money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels." --- From The Derby Abbey Community News: We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective in the police force.' This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the police farce. --- From The Guardian: After being charged 20 pounds for a 10 pounds overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank Plc are Fascist *******s.' The Bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr *******s has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name. --- From The Manchester Evening News: Police called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket. --- An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus. Seven thousand people watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow. The crowd applauded wildly before other circus people realized what had happened. --- An elderly woman at a unit for sufferers of senile dementia passed round a box of mothballs thinking that they were mints. Eleven people were taken to hospital for treatment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 The following are genuine statements made by people on insurance claim forms...."The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought." "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket." Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus? The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo. "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard." "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke." "I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.""I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight""I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk." Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan." "First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car." "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo." "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again""I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment." "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention." "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way""A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face" "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car" "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole." "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car." "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident." "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished." "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows." "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.""I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it." "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.""I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident." "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.""To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian." "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle." "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull." "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him." "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him." "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car." "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.""The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.""The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. ""I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way." "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.""When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.""The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.""No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.""I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.""The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.""I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact." "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.""My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Funny Doctors Quotes1."Have you ever been in therapy? No? You should try it. It's like a really easy game show where the correct answer to every question is: 'Because of my mother.'" Robin Greenspan2. "After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, 'Maybe life isn't for everyone'." Larry Brown. 3. "The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing quite respectable." Paul Dean. 4. "If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one." Dr WC Heuper (1954) 5. "As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, 'Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients', but the another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian!'" Dick Wilson. 6. "My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more." Walter Matthau. 7. "A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy." Joan Rivers. 8. "She got her looks from her father: He's a plastic surgeon." Groucho Marx. 9. "For the majority of people smoking has a beneficial effect."Dr Ian MacDonald (1963) 10. "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." Samuel Goldwyn.11. "I was under the care of a couple of medical students who couldn't diagnose a decapitation." Jeffrey Bernard 12. "First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin. 13. "No-one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish." Kin Hubbard. 14. "There must be something to acupuncture. After all, you never see any sick porcupines!" Bob Goddard. 15. "The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else." John Chiene 16. "I'm not feeling very well, I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course." Groucho Marx 17. "A psychiatrist is a man who goes to a strip club and watches the audience." Merv Stockwood. 18. "Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won't cure a cold." Jerry Vale 19. "I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge."Spike Milligan 20. "The art of medicine is in amusing a patient while nature affects the cure." Voltaire Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Famous Sex Quotes"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."* Tom Clancy"You know 'that look" women get when they want sex?...... Me neither."* Steve Martin"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."* Woody Allen"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."* Rodney Dangerfield"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."* Lynn Lavner"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." * George Burns"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."* Sharon Stone"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."* Jack Nicholson"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is,"* Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and, you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor!)"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."* Robin Williams"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."* Roseanne"Women need a reason to have sex. ! Men just need a place."* Billy Crystal"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"* Dustin Hoffman"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."* Rod Stewart"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."* Robin Williams Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Eight IdiotsIdiot # 1I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicologyat the poison control center. Today, this woman called in veryupset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. Iquickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and therewould be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. Shecalmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened tomention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat inorder to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring herdaughter into the Emergency room right away.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 2Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfielddecided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They weresuccessful in getting it out of the plane and home. When theytook it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicoptercoming towards them surprised them. It turned out that thechopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon whichactivated when the raft was inflated.They are no longer employed at Boeing.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 3A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob adowntown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "thisiz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing inline, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worrythat someone had seen him write the note and might call thepolice before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bankof America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to theWells Fargo teller. He read it and, surmising from his spellingerrors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, toldhim that she could not accept his stickup note because it waswritten on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he wouldeither have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back toBank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK"and left.He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in lineback at Bank of America.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 4A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trapthat measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. Helater received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of hiscar. Instead of payment, he sent the police department aphotograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter fromthe police that contained another picture, this time ofhandcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 5Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun anddemanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashierput the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that hewanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier toput it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because Idon't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give itto him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robbertook his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to theclerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was infact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber thenran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly calledthe police and gave the name and address of the robber that hegot off the license.They arrested the robber two hours later.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 6A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervouslywaving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 7Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. Hedecided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquorstore window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on thehead, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store windowwas made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Idiot # 8Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a manwalked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 amflashed a gun and demanded cash.The clerk turned him down because he said the couldn't open thecash register without a food order. When the man ordered onionrings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. Theman, frustrated, walked away Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Just a few stories from our nations Emergency Rooms to prove that fact isstranger than fiction.- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. Theman had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When askedabout the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from himramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild abdominal pain.During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady had inserted a wholechicken piece by piece into her vagina. Unable to have children she was hopingthat the chicken would turn into a baby.- A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on himself in a drunken rageand ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he could reattach the mansgenitalia if it could be recovered and if it was in good condition. The policewere dispatched to the man's house and the search was on. During the search oneof the officers heard a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that wassitting in the corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve theman's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by theurologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee whilesitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a commendation fromhis precinct for medical assistance.- A woman with shortness of breath and who weighed approximately 500 lbs wasdragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While trying to undress the ladyan asthma inhaler fell out of one of the folds under her arm. After an X-rayshowed a round mass on the left side of her chest her massive left breast waslifted to find a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam aTV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch. She becameknown as "The Human Couch".- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER parking lotto find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth. Wanting to tell thewoman to push he started yelling "Puta! Puta! Puta!" at this the grandmotherstarted to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained. What the doctorshould have been saying was "Puja!" (Push!). Instead he was saying "Whore!Whore! Whore!"- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine inducedseizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a catheter (a tubepassed through the urethra and into the bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollarbill fell out of the foreskin fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave,the nurse gave him back his belongings and told him where she had found themoney. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines in myvirginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that she did, indeed, have asix inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further inspection revealed that shehad a mass in her vaginal vault. It was easily removed and looked very muchlike a potato. It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus wasfalling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgotabout it.- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m. with acomplaint of belly button lint.- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the exam andquestioning the female denied being sexually active. The doctor gave her apregnancy test anyway and it came back positive. The doctor went back to theyoung female's room.Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"Patient: "No. Who?"- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to thehospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts theold lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year olddaughter that her mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be?She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting next tohim. The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine) that he hadinjected into his veins with needles he had been sharing with his friends.Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he mighthave been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought for a while thensaid questioningly, "I've been screwing the dog?"- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that she andher boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she wasn't able toretrieve it with her fingers. I went to the bathroom and "gagged" myself tovomit but couldn't vomit it up either." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Dear Crackhead,Yes, you. You sick *****. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet. Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night. But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more. This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is, YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE? I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid. I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude. Here are my options as I see them:1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea. 2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself. 3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.Sincerely, Matt*** If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting *** Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members pappyld04 Posted May 20, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2008 Some true headlines....SIX DIE TRYING TO SAVE CHICKEN - August 1, 1995 CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. Man Killed Repairing Truck - April 1, 1995 Kalamazoo Gazette -- James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type dump truck. " Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could asthe source of a troubling noise. Burns's clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft." WANTED FOR AT TEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her inlaws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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