Pages Of Jokes!

pappyld04 · August 21, 2008

TEASING THE GORILLA

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla.

The gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

<

A LITTLE BOY WANTED $100

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

College Sex is Fine

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"

FRENCH CANADIANS

A guy walked into a bar in Montreal and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You aren't from around here, are you? Where are you from.?

The guy said, "I'm from Nova Scotia."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Nova Scotia?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

ASK BUDDHA

Three Chinese women go to see Buddha. The first one says, "Buddha, I want a man with three dragons on his chest.

The second woman says, "Buddha, I want a man with two dragons on his chest."

The third woman says. "Buddha I want a man with one dragging on the ground.

THE BLUE SUIT

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asked, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" .

"No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. "It must be blue."

When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.

He said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her, so I switched the heads."

THE MINISTER

The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She was wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend", the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check", said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend", she said. "You're not plugged in yet."

HOW TO CURE A DRUNK

A policeman drives by a bar late one night, after closing time, and notices two male patrons, obviously drunk, lying on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.

When he parks the squad car and approaches, he notices that one of the men has his finger up the other one's exposed ass.

When the policeman asks just what is going on, the owner of the finger states, "My friend here is very drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up".

The policeman informs the fellow that normally you would make someone throw up my putting a finger into his throat, not his ass!

The drunk replies, "When I put this finger down his throat, I guarantee you he WILL throw up!"

DESPERATION

One night, as a couple laid down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.

The wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a Gynecologist appointment tomorrow."

The husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. Later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

WHERE'S MY PEN?

A proctologist walked into a bank preparing to endorse a check. He pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A guy found a magic lamp and naturally rubbed it. The genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought and finally gave his answer, "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied.

So, the genie turned him into a toilet seat.... !

FIRST TIME AT THE HAIRDRESSER

A little girl went to the hairdresser for the first time and young man waited on her. Her gave her a cookie to relax her, as he started trimming her hair.

Being a bit nervous, she dropped the cookie on the floor. The young male hairdresser picked up her cookie and handed it to her as he said, "Oh, I see see you have hair on your cookie"

She smiled and replied, "Yes, I know. I am growing boobs,too."

WOMEN DO IT THE RIGHT WAY

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next, she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. I'm going to set the garage on fire. You do what you have to."

DON'T GET EXCITED DEAR

Submitted by Fantasy Maiden

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He did this a few times, but only for a very short time each time. He would then stop and resume reading his book.

The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband looked confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "you were playing with my pussy". "I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."

The husband said, "no, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"

The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."

OLD MAN TALKS TO GOD

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself and do you have a good relationship with God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes off."

"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the bathroom and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

WITH AGE COMES WISDOM

Submitted by Pam from Canada

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're 29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47." He's starting to feel really good about himself.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going, but when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with you for about ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought, " What the hell." and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, I'm done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was standing behind you in McDonalds."

pappyld04 · August 21, 2008

THE TWO DRUNKS

Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning. Manny says, "How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I've got is forty cents."

Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I've got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, "Come on, let's go to the bar."

When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny's zipper, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zipper up tight enough to hold it. Then he says, Follow me," and they walk into the bar.

He orders two Rum & Coke, and they drink them down. When the bartender says, "Pay up," Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos!"

Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They're bombed. Chuck says, "Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got bombed on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash 'em on the floor. I can't take it anymore."

Manny says, "YOU can't take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar."

UNMARRIED DAUGHTER

An elderly woman comes home and finds her daughter in bed with a vibrator. She screams at her; "What are you doing???" The daughter says, "Mom, I'm 40 years old. I'm not married and I don't have a date. It's the nineties, give me a break!!"

The mother shakes her head and leaves. The next day the father walks in on the daughter and finds the same thing.....he screams "What's going on here???"

The daughter explains the same situation to him....he shakes his head and leaves . That night the mother comes into the kitchen and finds the father sitting at the table, a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other. She says " What on earth are you doing with that??" The father sits back and replies... " Hey, leave me alone, can't a guy have a beer with his son-in law?"

WATCH YOUR BACK

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move and snatched off her dress revealing a very thin G-string. Again' the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the fuck up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string. The whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.

Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

A CURIOUS LITTLE GIRL

A little Indian girl goes up to the Indian Chief and says, "Father, how did I get my name?"

Her father says, "Well, when your brother was born, I looked out of the teepee and saw an eagle fly by. So, I named him Flying Eagle."

"When your sister was born, I looked out and saw a beautiful deer prancing in the woods. So, I named her Running Deer."

Sensing an inquisitive look on his daughter's face, he then added, "Do you have any more questions Two Dogs Fucking?"

REALLY BAD

A traveling salesman had been assigned to a mountain region. Knowing some of the stories about these mountain folk, he wasn't sure about what to expect. On his first stop he found a young boy at home.

The salesman asks for the boy's mother. The boy leads the salesman over to a window with a view to the backyard.

He sees the mother getting laid by a goat and says to the boy, "Christ, that's really gross."

The boy answers, "Aw, it's not too baaaaaaaaaad! "

CONFESS THY SINS

Four girls go to confession and the priest says, "I'm sorry but I am very busy today so we will do a collective session. Soo, let's cut out the light stuff and get down to business. Anybody touch a penis this week?"

The first girl looks down bashfully and says, "I did - but only with my finger.".

The priest says, "Put it in holy water and say 3 Hail Marys".

The second girl admits that she had used both hands to masturbate her boyfriend.

"Put them both in holy water and say 5 Hail Marys", says the priest

The third girl immediately heads toward the holy water. The priest says: "Hold it. Where are you going?"

The girl says: "Just getting a quick mouth wash before Maria washes her ass."

BE NICE TO YOUR WIFE

The funeral parlor called the 85 year old widow to tell her that her 90 year old husband had died with such a massive erection that he could not close the lid of the coffin. He had never seen such seen such a big pecker.

Well", she said, "Cut it off as close to his body as you can then put it up his ass".

The next day the whole family arrived at the funeral home to pay their respects and the widow knelt down near her departed husband and noticed there was a tear coming down his cheek. She leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I told you it hurt, you old fucker."

WHERE BABIES COME FROM

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother and announced that she had learned how you get a baby. The mother was amused and said, "Oh really sweetie, why don't you tell me all about it?"

The little girl then explained, "Well, the mommy and daddy take off all of their clothes and the daddy's wiener stands way up high. Then the mommy kneels on the floor and puts the daddy's wiener in her mouth. The daddy's wiener sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy's mouth. The mommy swallows the sticky juice and that's how you get a baby."

The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye and said, "Oh honey, that's sweet, but that's not how you get a baby. That's how you get jewelry."

THE ELEPHANT IMPLANT

Jack went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem. He was unable to get an erection. After a complete physical exam, the doctor told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged and there was nothing much he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might be applicable if he were willing to take the risk.... the treatment consisted of implanting the muscles from a baby elephants trunk in Jack's penis!

Jack thought about it for a while..... the thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, he decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his new and improved equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. Immediately his penis sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face, she said, "Jack that was incredible !!!!!! Can you do that again??"

Jack with his eyes watering, replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure that I can fit another roll up my ass".......

UP YOUR ASS

There were two gay men in the bathroom at their home and one was putting Vaseline on his chest. The other gay man asked him, "Why are you putting Vaseline on your chest?"

The first gay man replied, "Didn't you know that Vaseline helps you grow hair on your chest?"

The other gay man said, "Well, if that was a proven fact, then you would have a ponytail growing out of your ass!"

THE DOG POUND

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others, "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepherd said "I chewed up my master's shoes yesterday and now they are going to put me to sleep."

The Great Dane said "My master is a beautiful twenty two year old woman. The other day she came out of the shower and bent over in front of me, so I jumped on her back and screwed her."

"So are you in here to be put to sleep too?" asked the others.

"No, I'm here to have my nails clipped!"

I LIKE YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS

A teacher is testing her students' math skills. She says "Johnny, if there are three blackbirds on a fence and you shoot one, how many would be left?

Johnny thinks and answers "None!".

Johnny says, "But teacher, if I shot one of the birds the other two would fly away leaving none".

The teacher exclaims, "Johnny, that's not the answer I was looking for, but I like your thought process".

The next day Johnny says, "Teacher, there are three woman sitting on a bench eating ice cream cones. One is eating hers, one is licking hers and one is sucking hers. Which one is married"?

The teacher thinks and hesitantly answers, "The one that is sucking hers".

Johnny exclaims, "No, she is the one wearing the wedding band, but I like your thought process!

SORRY, NO COOKIES

A kid and his grandfather were sitting on the porch swing. Gramps lit up a cigarette and the kid looked at him and said, "Can I have one of those?"

Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

The kid said, "Nope."

Gramps replied, "Then you ain't old enough."

A little while later Gramps popped open a beer. The kid asked, "Can I have one of those?"

Gramps replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

The kid said, "Nope."

Gramps said, "Then you ain't old enough."

A little later the kid came out of the house with some cookies and milk. Gramps asked, "Can I have one of those?"

The kid replied, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

Gramps said, "Yep!"

The kid said, "Then go fuck yourself, 'cause Grandma said these were mine!"

A NEW ATM MACHINE

The other day, my wife and her friends went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of them, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, her friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of them, the third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. My wife was worried about the way things were going, but her friend licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My wife's relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to her! Now everyone's attention was focused on her and the guy was egging her on to try and top the $50. Her brain was churning as she reached for her purse.

What could she do? She got out my her ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

SORRY, NO COOKIES

The government did a survey on the nations greatest psychologists to see exactly how good they were. They were each given 200 drug addicts, 1 sheet of paper, and a pencil. After a few hours they were called back in and asked how they did. Many had made no progress when one stood up and stated he had gotten 50 to stop drugs immediately. In disbelief he was asked how.

Simple he stated, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. On the other side I drew a very small circle and said this is your brain on drugs. Immediately 50 stopped using drugs.

At this time another psychologist stood up and said that's nothing, I got all 200 of my addicts to drop their habits immediately.

Then he was asked how.

Simple he said, on one side of the paper I drew a circle and said this is your brain. Then on the other side I drew a really big circle and said this is YOUR ASSHOLE when you go to prison.

THE THREE DRUNKS

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day they all met for an early pint and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first guy claims that he was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second guy said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third guy proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home I got into a big fight with the wife, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... CHUNKS IS MY DOG."

LOOKING FOR A RAT

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny's father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, "What ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

Johnny replied, "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

LUCKY JOHNNY

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mom, I've got it covered."

So, she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off"

So, she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys, got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and fuck your little red socks off."

She lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, laid down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him, and said... "NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

VULGAR BANK CUSTOMER

A man walks into a bank and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse", she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned and says, "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says, "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake, is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says, "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"

QUESTION AND ANSWER

Q. What do you call a girl who can suck a golf ball through a garden hose?

A. Sweetheart!!!

Q. What do women have in common with hurricanes?

A. They both scream when they are coming and when they leave, they take your house.

Q. What do a rattlesnake and a condom with a hole in it have in common?

A. You don't want to screw with either of them!

Q. Do you know what a Yankee is?

A. The same as a quickie, except it's a solo.

Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?

A. A fifty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!

Q. What has six balls and screws you twice a week?

A. Kentucky (or state of your choice) Lotto!

Q. Why did the chicken cross the basketball floor?

A. He heard the ref was blowing fowls!

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?

A. Because his pecker was stuck in the ass of the chicken!

Q. Why is a gynecologist like a pizza delivery man?

A. They both can smell it, but they can't eat it.

Q. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

A. Such a piece of ass that it will bring tears to your eyes.

Q. What is long and hard on a black man?

A. The second grade.

Q. What do you call an anorectic woman with a yeast infection?

A. A quarter pounder with cheese!

Q. How do you scare a man?

A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner? - In the pages of a romance novel.

Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?

A. Exchange him.

Q. Why do men like smart women?

A. Opposites attract.

Did you know that the male sex organ comes in 5 sizes?

Small

Medium

Large

X-large

Does that come in white?

YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker.

Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

VULGAR BANK CUSTOMER

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."

The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on."

"Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else, so I should do just fine."

The farmer says, "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready."

The College guy replies, "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"

"Good," says the colloege guy," I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"

The farmer looks at him, smiles, and says, "I don't care; it's just going to be me and you."

THE PISSED ON BLIND MAN

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point started pissing on the man's leg.

As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog.

A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.

The blind man replied, "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."

HELP THE HANDICAPPED

This man is walking down the road and hears someone crying. He stops and looks over the fence and sees a woman without any arms or legs crying beside a pool. He asks, "What's the problem?"

She says, "Well, I've never been hugged before."

Well, this is a nice guy so he hops the fence and gives her a hug. Half an hour later he is going back to his car and hears her crying. He asks, "Now what's wrong?"

She says, "I've been thinking and..I've never been kissed before". Well, the guy thinks what's the harm in giving her a kiss to make her feel better? He hops the fence and gives her a kiss.

At his car he finds that his keys are lost so he goes back to the girl and finds his keys there, but he sees her crying again. "Now what's wrong?" he asked.

She responds, "I've never been fucked before."

The guy picks her up and throws her into the pool and says, "Now you're fucked real good."

A SENSIBLE DIAGNOSIS

Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS."

Husband: "How can we find out which?"

Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."

THE ALLIGATOR TRICK

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator.

The bartender stops him and says, "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here; they aren't allowed!"

So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says, "Well then, lets see!"

So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch. He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?"

An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

THE TOUGHEST WHORE

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest, and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barkeep. "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to do it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," replied the whore, "but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started."

BAD CHECK UP

. A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says "Do you know what I am doing?"

She replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra and he starts rubbing her boobs. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, checking for lumps and cancer."

Finally, he tells he takes off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her, and starts having sex with her. He says "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies "Yes, getting herpes. That's why I am here."

SURPRISE

Two gay guys are going at it. After they finish, one turns to the other and says "Hey, I feel something in my ass ... see if you can feel anything." So his boyfriends puts his finger in his ass and feels around.

"I don't feel anything",the boyfriend says.

So the first guy says, "No deeper...I'm sure I feel something".

So the boyfriend put his hand in the guys ass and feels around. "I'm telling you there is nothing there" says the boyfriend.

"No really", the guys says, "I can feel it, look deeper." So the boyfriend puts his whole arm in the guys ass and is feeling around when he touches something.

"Hey, I found something,"says the boyfriend.

"Well take it out," says the guy.

The boyfriend pulls his hand out of the guys ass, looks at it and see's it is a Rolex.

The guy starts singin, "Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you......"

EXCUSE ME FATHER

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, the priest proceeded to enter the other side of the confessional. The priest's attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

SURPRISE

· A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting on the road. He stops. And he asks him: - Hey, What happens to you? -

(crying) Look! and he points a crashed car. -

Well, don't care and buy another car. -

Look inside the car!

- Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's all. -

Look inside her mouth!!!

SURPRISE

· A young, promising medical student decides to specialize in sexual disorders and goes to visit a facility which has just accepted him as an intern. One of the resident physicians takes him on a tour of the hospital. All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem.

All of a sudden, they pass a booth with a young man there masturbating furiously. The intern turning to his superior asks about the man's problem.

The resident responds, 'Oh, that man has an enormously over-active sex drive and has to have twenty orgasms a day or he becomes seriously ill.'

They move on through the hospital and eventually come upon another man in a booth with his pants down around his ankles and a beautiful blonde nurse on her knees in front of him lustily servicing him.

The intern inquiring to this man's trouble, the resident replies, 'Same problem, better health plan.'

WISH HARD

This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning. He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her. When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying"I need a man, I need a man" Then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man. So the boy runs back to his room, strips all his clothes off, jumps on the bed and starts rubbing himself while saying "I need a bike, I need a bike"!!!!!__________

TOUGHEST COWBOY

Three cowboys - one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales begins.

The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands."

The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit its head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

BAD TASTE

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, " Mom, I have something to tell you: I'm gay."

His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay -- doesn't that mean you put other men's penises in your mouth?"

The guy said nervously, " Uh, yeah, Mom, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

HARD LICKER

These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on kinds of soda.

The first woman said, "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!"

The second woman said, "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven inches and it is always up!"

The third woman said, "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels."

The other two women responded, "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor."

The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!"

GREAT SELLER

A young Newfounderlander moves to California and goes to a big mega- department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Newfoundland."

Well, the boss liked the Newfoundland kid (of course) so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, $101,237.64."

The boss says, $101,237.64? What did you sell?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing."

SHOCKED HUBBY

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window."

SORRY-NOT YOUR DAY

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times... He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!"

The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says: " Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!"

WANK IT

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or lips to lip-read.

After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution. "Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times".

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He suggests to his wife if she wants to have sex with him, "reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis two hundred and fifty times."

SHUT IT OFFFFFF

A little old lady, well into her 80's, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk "Dddddooo yoouuu hhhavvvve dddddiilllldddoosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks "Ddddddooo yyyouuu hhhave aaa ppinnkk onnne, tttteennn iiinchesssss llllong aaaandddd tttwooo iinchesssss tttthicckkk?"

The clerk responds "Yes we do."

"Cccccann yyyouuu tttelll mmmeee hhhowww tttooo ttturnnn ttthe fffuccckkkkingggg ttthinggg offfffffffff?!"

SHOW ME YOUR HANDS

Wilf had a bad stomach complaint so went to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams,

"DAMN!""What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," repliesthe man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulder!"

GRAMMAR LESSON

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael."My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said."Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

REALITY

A son asked his father : "Dad, what's the difference between potential and reality ?" (a question he was asked at school)

His father replied : "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. " The son did this and returned that his mother would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks.

His father said : "Now go ask your sister if she would sleep with the milkman for a million dollars. ".

The son did this and later replied : "Sis said that she too would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks."

His father then said : "Go ask your brother if he would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. " The son getting rather irritated did this. He returned and said : "Ivor also said that he would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. I am getting tired of asking people if they will sleep with the milkman please tell me what's the difference between potential and reality ?"

His father looked at him and said :"This family has the potential to make $3 000 000, but the reality is that we have two sluts and a homo in the family." That's the difference!

SUCCESS

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which was sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard me or climb the ladder to success" she said. "Well", thought the man, "might as well carry on.

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success" she uttered.

As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me me or climb the ladder to success" she flirted.

Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again.

When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man said, "my name's Cess!"

WRONG HOLE

A gay guy goes into a doctor's office for the results of his AIDS test. "Well? What's the news?"

"Not good I'm afraid" replied the doctor "You're positive."

The man broke down crying "What am I going to do?" he sobs.

"Well, I suggest you go home and drink 10 pints of beer then go out and have yourself a very large spicy curry and wash it down with another 10 pints of beer."

"Is that going to help?" he asks hopefully.

"No, but it'll teach you what your asshole is really meant for."

LAY OUT THE HELP

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support. At night the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision" the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Oh, jack-off" Mary says, "I've got a headache."

BAD BUMPS

Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome. One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before

." The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

MORE HOSE

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, you know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.

." The next night he came home from work and yelled BELL 1!"

." His wife promptly took all her clothes off..

." Then he yelled BELL 2," his wife jumped into bed.

." When he yelled BELL 3," they began making love.

." After a few minutes his wife yelled "BELL 4!"

." "What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?

." "ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE"

PENIS TROUBLE A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"

." "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

." The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.

." "We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever."

." The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

." "There's something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

." "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.

pappyld04 · August 21, 2008

THE PROMISED BLOW JOB

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!" Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."

A SWEET LITTLE GIRL

A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, "Please, sir, give me some money for a fix."

The man answers, astonished, "Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?"

"I'm eight, sir."

"Oh my God and how long have you been into drugs?"

"Since I was raped, sir, when I was four."

"RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?"

"I don't remember, I was drunk."

THE THREE NUNS

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course, I threw them in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"

"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.

The third nun fainted.

TARZAN IS CLEVER

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company and used suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously humping a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

MY GOLDFISH DIED

Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died, " replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your fuckin cat."

THE MOLDY PENIS

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".

Though he feels uncomfortable he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his dick, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says.

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I'm sure as christ ain't gonna touch it!"

THE BREATHALYZER

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning, and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning, and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time he's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"

GET THE VASELINE

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife, and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!"

"Darling, " the wife said spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

BED SKIING

Three guys go to a ski lodge and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

STRANDED LAWYERS

Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow! I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is true!" The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."

So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.

The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time...do you think we should....you know..... screw her?"

The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked... "Out of what?"

HELPFUL HUSBAND

Submitted by Mark L. - Cape Cod

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her private parts and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her.

They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try.

The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flatlines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room.

The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

REALLY DRUNK

Submitted by Mark L. - Cape Cod

This drunk says to the bartender, "I want a woman!" So the bartender gave him directions to a brothel.

The drunk was so messed up that he accidentally walked into the wrong door, a Foot Doctor's office.

The receptionist at the counter asks, "Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want some service", states the drunk.

The lady sends him to the other room and tells him to put it on the table.

The drunk goes in and places his dick on the examination table. When the doctor comes in and notices the man's penis on the table she says, "That's not a foot!"

The drunk replies, "Give it time, lady, give it time."

DOGGIE STYLE

Two guys are walking down the street and see two dogs going at it in someone's front yard.

The first man says, "I always wanted to do dog style like that, but my wife would never go for it."

The second man replied, "Why, that shouldn't be a problem. Just loosen her up with a few beers first."

When they met the next day, the second man asked, "Well, how'd it go?"

"Rotten," replied the friend. "It took me a twelve pack just to get her onto her knees in the front yard."

FLUCTUATIONS

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

THE CHRISTMAS TREE ANGEL

Submitted by Mark L. - Cape Cod

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the door bell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree fat man?"

And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree. !

BAD EXCUSE

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

Georges wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

HARD OF HEARING DWARF

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man.

The dwarf stares and says, "You’re the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head and replies, " I’m 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches. I'm Turner Brown.”

The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.

So he does, "I said I’m 6 - 9, 259 lbs. with 16 inches. My name is Turner Brown.”

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing, “For a minute there, I thought you said, ‘Turn Around’.”

KNOCK IT OFF

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her andnoticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well we're not having any of that shit in OUR garden."

HOLD MY BRESTS

A lady is feeling a bit down in the dumps and decides to treat herself to a meal at the Ritz Carlton. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own -- nothing too extravagant, but nice all the same.

The head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total: $150! She doesn't expect this at all and asks the waiter "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the check please?"

The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges.

She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with her at the door and asks, "I'm sorry to bother you Miss but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."

"Oh, it's quite simple really," she replies, "I love to have my breasts held when I'm being screwed!"

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"

He asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then said "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David replied.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asked in shock.

"Well," David said, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swelled and he looked at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David said, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot the fucker."

MEGA DUCKS

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting." So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice.

Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it---where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too." So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!" The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more Fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

THE SAD MORAL

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter.

However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds.

The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.

MEXICAN LOGIC

The american tourist got the shock of his life, when a Mexican with a 6 shooter,jumped out from behind a cactus.

"Take my money,my car but don't kill me", said the tourist.

"I no kill you if you do what I say,"said the Mexican. "Just unzip your pants and start masturbating," he ordered.

Although shocked the tourist did what he was told.

"Right ,now do it again" said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed again.

"And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead."

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort and fell exhausted.

"Good" said the Mexican,"now you give my sister a ride to the next village."

DICKEN'S CIDER

A little girl came running into the house crying her eyes out and cradling her hand.

Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider! she wailed.

Why do you want a glass of cider? asked mum.

I cut My hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away.

Confused, but weary of the child's whingeing, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider.

The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.

Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work! wined the little one.

What are you on about? asked her increasingly perplexed parent.

Well I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in herhand, she can't wait to get it in cider !!!!!!!!!!!!!

WELCOME BACK TO SCHOOL

The new school year started and the grade school teacher wanted some students to tell a brief story about summer vacation. Several students eagerly raised their hands including Little Johnny. The teacher asked Alice to tell a story.

"We took a trip to the Grand Canyon during vacation" Alice said. "We rode donkeys down a steep trail to the bottom of the canyon, it was fun."

The teacher asked for another volunteer, several students eagerly raised their hands including little Johnny. She was afraid to call on little Johnny because he swore a lot in last years classroom. The teacher chose Fred to tell a story.

"My Dad and I went on a fishing trip way out in the country. We stopped at a small pond, I cast my lure into the pond and caught the biggest trout we'd ever seen! We started a campfire and cooked the trout, it was great!" Fred reported.

"That's nice Fred, now how about another volunteer". Several students were waving their hands. The teacher felt sorry for Little Johnny and so she gave him another chance.

"My Dad and I went on a deer hunting trip. We saw a huge 18 point buck in the field, my Dad aimed and shot it right in the asshole" Little Johnny said.

The teacher was mad, "Johnny you mean rectum." she said.

"Rectum, you bet it rectum, shot his balls clean off."

STAFF OF LIFE

An old priest and a nun were on a voyage to a remote desert mission in Afghanistan when they got lost.

Then their riding camel became ill and shortly after they had tried to save him with their drinking water, he died.

Lost, out of water and with no ride, their plight was desperate. Despite his weakened condition, the priest was suddenly seized by the desire to know his nun biblically before he died. So he turned to the nun, whipped out his cock, and asked, "Sister, do you know what this is?"

She shook her head.

"This is the staff of life," he informed her solemnly.

"Oh, thank God!" the nun cried out, falling to her knees. "Well, go on, father. Stick it up that camel's ass and let's get the fuck out of here!"

PENGUINS

The seven dwarfs were attending a service being given by the Pope. In the middle of the sermon Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in Rome?"

The Pope, a little surprised says "No, there are no midget nuns in Rome".

The other six dwarfs giggle a little and Dopey says "Father, are there any midget nuns in Italy?"

The Pope, really puzzled now says "No, there are no midget nuns in Italy."

The other dwarfs giggle even louder and Dopey says "Father, are there any midget nuns in the entire world."

This time the Pope, a little annoyed, says "No, Dopey, there are no midget nuns in the entire world."

This time all the other six dwarfs stand up and starts chanting "Dopey fucked a penguin!! Dopey fucked a penguin!!"

IF MEN HAD A VAGINA

Top ten things MEN would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

GREATEST LOVER

· A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan. The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests. If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.

"fair enough," says the man. "Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them. "

The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests. "In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore."

The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test. Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.

The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.

He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and scratches. He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."!!!!!!!!

DIFFERENT CONDOMS

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.

The father replies...well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night. The son then asks his father, well what's the 6 pack for? The father replies, well that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, well that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......

FARMER IN TROUBLE

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

The farmer replies, "Some things you just can't explain".

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: OK, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: And then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in... some things you just can't explain.

SILVER NEEDS A HEARING AID

Some hostile Indians finally captured the Lone Ranger and told him that they were going to kill him. They decided that since he was such a great adversary, they would grant him one last wish. When told this, the Lone Ranger whistled loudly, and from out of nowhere galloped his horse Silver. The Lone Ranger whispered something in the horse's ear, and the horse took off a great speed. The Indians were curious and waited to see what happened. Sure enough, about half an hour later, Silver appeared with a gorgeous woman on his back, and he dropped her off in front of the Lone Ranger. So impressed were the Indians that they untied the Lone Ranger, showed him to a teepee, and let him do as he pleased.

A few hours later, the Lone Ranger exited very tired and barely able to stand up. The Indians decided that they would let him regain his strength and execute him the next day. But the next day came, and the Indians were absolutely amazed at the previous day's spectacle, that they decided to again grant the Lone Ranger one last wish. Again, he whistled for Silver, Silver appeared, the Lone Ranger whispered something in his ear, the horse took off and brought back an even more beautiful woman. Flabbergasted, the Indians again let the Lone Ranger have some privacy with the woman in a tee pee, and again, he was nearly exhausted afterward, unable to walk.

Another day passed, and the Indians decided they needed to see what would happen, so they granted him yet another wish.

Again, the Lone Ranger whistled for Silver, and when the horse appeared, the Lone Ranger grabbed him by the neck and yelled at him, "I said, bring me a posse!"

POLISH ROULETTE

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. "I'll show you how."

He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American.

"That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette."

"Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

p 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didn't know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this won't take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. ####, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, it's hiding.

p 46. Are you cold?

p 47. If you get me real drunk first.

p 48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

p 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Where's the rest of it?

PENGUINS

Elvis Presley, Rock Hudson, and John Lennon meet up at the pearly gates. God tells them that he'll give them another chance but each has to give up his vice. So, God sends them all back together. They land on a street in New York City where Elvis hears rock-n-roll coming from a sound blaster. He starts swiveling his hips and gyrating, and *POOF* he disappears.

Rock and John look at each other in surprise as they realize the seriousness of God's demands.

Just then, John sees a joint laying on the ground, bends over, and *POOF* Rock disappears.

PENGUINS

IF WOMEN HAD A JOHNSON

Top ten things WOMEN would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America

9. Learn to stare with that-I'm undressing you look.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his penis that causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...

1. Get a blow job.

pappyld04 · August 21, 2008

THE VIRGIN HONEYMOON

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her.

"Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?"

"Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

BLAME IT ON THE POOR DOG

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting though and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in for one more second without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.

"Spot!" called out the young women's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.

Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.

"Spot!" she called out sharply.

"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.

"SPOT!" shrieked the mother . "Get over here before he shits on you!"

SCREWED TWICE

The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK,mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man did this, the panel was closed, inutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

LISTEN TO YOUR DAD

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, 'My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?'

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: 'Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!'

They stare at him and say, 'That can't be!'

He replies, 'OK, let's check!' He shouts at his friend down the stairs, 'Both of them?'

'Yes, both of them!'

JOHNNY PULLS OUT

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd love to give you one but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day, the father sees Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, Where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm going to stick around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

BARBIE AND GI JOE

A little girl was sitting on Santa's lap at a local mall. When Santa asked her what she wanted for Christmas, She answered, "A Barbie doll and a GI Joe."

Santa, perplexed, said, "But little girl, Barbie comes with Ken. How about a Barbie and a Ken doll."

"No, Santa. I want a Barbie and a GI Joe."

"But Barbie always comes with Ken."

The little girl with an exaggerated sigh replied, "Barbie always comes with GI Joe, but she fakes it with Ken."

NO WAFFLES FOR ME

One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head and Tommy yelled out, "Ouch you fucking wanker!"

Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. She said, "Father, my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know what to do."

The priest says, "Well, have you tried smacking them?"

She said, "No, doesn't the church look down on that?"

The priest says, "Well, yes, but in some cases we'll make an exception."

The next day the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast. Tommy says, "Well, gimme some fucking waffles."

The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door.

Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet.

His mother asks him what he wants for breakfast and his reply was, "Well, you can bet your sweet ass I don't want no fucking waffles!"

THE COWBOY PARAMEDIC

Two cowboys from Arizona walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress and the cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin ya swaller? asks one of the cowboys.

No, the woman shakes her head.

"Kin ya breathe?" asks the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue shakes her head No again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh and up to the small of her back.

This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I never seen anybody do it."

ALIENS ARE CAREFUL

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!

" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 yards into the desert where they landed in a heap rather abruptly.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us!

"How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered,

"If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him." !!!

LOOKING FOR A MILLIONAIRE

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."

NOT ABLE TO CLAP

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them the Major called for this HOT number from the nearby town. She came, danced and when the first dance was done the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G strings. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage. The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?!!?"

CHINESE WISDOM

4 chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu, and Su decided to emigrate to the US.

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck; Bu became Buck.

Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China.

I HAVE A HEADACHE

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect", said her husband, "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"

TYPEWRITER SEX CODE

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother, and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

I HAVE A HEADACHE

A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that ," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead. Get a filter. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

SUPERMAN QUICKIE

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting and wanted to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club and pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spider Man to see if he fancied a few beers. Spider Man told him he had a date with Cat Woman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs open. Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she knew what was happening." So Superman did his "super thing" in a split second and flies off happily.

Meanwhile, on the bed, Wonder woman asked, "Did you hear anything?"

"No, " said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts!"

THE DICK ON THE HORSE

Little Bobby got a brand new bike for Christmas and was riding around the small town area when a police officer on a horse road up to him. "Hello there young man, did you get that bike from Santa Clause?"

Bobby was very proud of his bike and replied with a smile. "why yes I did"

The officer was not a very jolly man and said, "My son, you do not have any reflector lights on that pretty bike of yours, I am going to have to write you a citation. Next time you might want to tell Santa that if he gives you a new bike ever again, he might want to put reflector lights on it!"

Little Bobby was quite upset and replied back, "Hey officer, did Santa give you that horse for Christmas?"

The officer thought that this was humorous, so he thought he play along, "Why yes I did"

Bobby then said to him, "Well next time why don't you tell Santa to put the dick on the bottom rather than the top of the horse!"

NEED A NEW CLOCK

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..."promise!" Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easily. At 3:00a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in and I told her 12:00 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought!

Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh fuck, " cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then farted."

ORGAN REJECTION

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. Concerned about her friend's welfare, she approached the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well, she's young and she's in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied, "She's been working the streets for over 10 years, but what's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, " replied the doctor, "if she hasn't rejected an organ in all those years, what makes you think she's gonna start now!"

SCREWED AGAIN

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?", the captain asked. She got up off the ground and explained, "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe and he's screwing me."

The captain looked at her, "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry."

BLAME IT ON THE WIFE

Husband on his death bed: " Wife when I won the lottery then lost my ticketyou were by my side "

Wife: " Yes dear, I was "

Husband: "Wife, when I won that Ferrariin that competition then wrote it off the same day you were by my side "

Wife: " Yes dear, I certainly was "

Husband: "Wife, when I brought that luxury yacht with my inheritance and it sunk , you were still by my side. "

Wife: " Oh dear, I'm afraid I was "

Husband: " And here I am now on my death bed broke and penniless and your still by my side, what a fUcking picture of bad luck you've been !!!!"

SMELL HIS FINGERS

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well, says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."

CHECK THE FIT

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the Monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since the cue ball incident, he measures everything first."

A BIG BIC LIGHTER

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this, " says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

BLEW A SEAL

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No, no, " the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

TOUGH MICE

There mice are in a bar arguing about how tough they are. The first mice says, "I'm so tough I can lay on a mouse trap to set it off, then catch the bar and bench press it a hundred times."

The second mouse says, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm so tough I collect all the rat poison, crush it up, and stir it into my coffee; it gives me a boost for the rest of the day."

The third mouse says, "I'm sick of listening to you guys bullshit--I'm going home to screw the cat."

THE GORILLA TRAPPER

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun, and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

ANOTHER BLONDE ONE

Submitted by Mark Libbey

Three Mothers, a blonde, brunette, and a redhead were all talking about their daughters. The Brunette said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found cigarettes. I can't believe my daughter smokes."

The redhead said, "Ladies, I was looking through my daughters things and I found a bottle of liquor. I can't believe my daughter drinks."

The Blonde said, "I was looking through my daughters things and I found a pack of condoms. I can't believe my daughter has a penis!"

YOU SMELL NICE

One day a women walks into work in a short skirt. As she's walking to her desk she gets stopped by a co-worker, who says, "Your hair smells really nice today."

She grimaces and stomps into her manager's office. She says, "I want to file a sexual harassment complaint!" and then relates what happened.

The manager says, "What's wrong with him complimenting how your hair smells?"

Furious, she snarls,"He's a midget!"

MYSTERY OF THE ORANGE PENIS

A man went to the doctor and told him that his penis turned orange during the night.

The doctor examined him and exclaimed, "Wow, I never saw anything like that in my medical career. Tell me the last thing you did before you went to bed and maybe I can figure this problem out."

The man said, "Well, I was watching some porno movies that I rented and was eating a bag of Corn Curls."

The man hesitated a moment in thought and added, " Ohhh! Never mind, I just figured it out myself."

FIRM IT UP

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man. and your brother."

ANYTHING FOR FREE BEER Man: Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and the requirements get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says, "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

PRACTICE YOUR JOB

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!"

"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

NO TOILET PAPER

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bath- room, so she said yes.

When he went to wipe his fanny there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"

The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."

He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"

So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."

Then the principal got mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"

So he did and the little boy said, "Oh great , now look what you did, you scared the shit out of him!"

A HAIRY TWINKIE

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, eating a snack cake while her dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

PRACTICE YOUR JOB

An elderly grandfather had just passed away and Jenny went to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex Sunday morning."

Horrified, Jenny suggested that sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble.

"Oh no, "her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused and wiped away the tears.

"If it wasn't for that damn icecream van going past he would still be alive."

BE NICE TO THE PUSSY CAT

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren't getting any milk this morning."

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says... "Are you going to tell him, or should I?

THE OLD MOTOR

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"

th f word

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, "Father during the week I said the F-word." The priest says, "Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven." The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation. "Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church," said the guy. "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. "My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy said. "As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball." "Is that why you said the F-word?" the priest asked. "No," the guy replied. "The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole." The priest said, "Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!"

A PHONY RASH

This fella goes to the doctor and says"Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?" The doctor said" put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work." The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work. The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says "Drop your pants." The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on the man then says "Doctor it's worked!! What was that?" The doctor replies "Lipstick remover"

pappyld04 · August 21, 2008

BAKED BEANS

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but, unfortunately they had alway had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent the would marry she thought to herself. "He is so sweet also a gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on". So, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the bean's. Some months later her car broke down on the way from work. Since she lived in the country, she called her husband and told him she'd be late because she had to walk home. On the way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more then she could stand. Since she still had several miles to walk, she figured she could walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.

So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed 3 large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted and upon arriving home she felt sure she could control it.

Her husband met her at the door and apperaed delighted to see her. "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight. Then he blindfolded her led her to a chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife the telephone rang. He mad her promise not to remove the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had eaten were affecting her and the pressure became unbearable. So, while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity and shifted her weight to one cheek and let it go. it was not only loud but smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously, then shifted to the other cheek and rippped off three more, which reminder her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ear tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another 5 minutes.

When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom. She quickly fanned the air a few more times with her napkin then place it on her lap and folded her hands upon it. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked her whether she had peeked and she assured him that she had not.

At this point her removed the blindfold and she was surprised.

There were twelve dinner guest seated around the table to wish her a

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY"..........ARE YOU SMILING???????

THE CLEVER NUN

..Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day in walked Sister Mary K. and said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, " I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh, Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night, Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.

A crowd was gathering. Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! And you told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied, "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's gonna shit."

IF SHE ASKS,FIX IT

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY. "FIX THE LIGHT? NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS," HE SAYS. "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. HONEY, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE, WELL-BUILT, YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO, WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO........ DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?"

ANNIVERSARY GIFT

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe......four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, weather...to how things used to be in the "good old days."

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?"

"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.

"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied....."For our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson....Maybe for our fiftieth, I'll go down there and get her."

TROOPER IS A HORSE'S ASS

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey--- wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, ""Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

The Trooper says, " Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

AN ACT OF GOD

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister.

Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, "Having children is an Act of God!!"

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, Rain and snow are Acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them!"

CONSIDERATE GIRLFRIEND

Little Johnnie was very lustful for a girl living in his neighborhood. He invited her to dinner and she accepted. After dinner, he drove to a little mountain about 5 miles away from the city, and told her: "I want you right here and now. Do it or get out and go home!" Without saying a word, she got out and walked home.

A few weeks later after a lot of apologizing he invited her again and she agreed. Later, he drove to another mountain about 10 miles away. Same question, same answer: the girl got out of the car and walked home.

Another few weeks later, after sending flowers and candies and even more apologizing, Johnnie gave it another try. The girl accepted once again. This time Johnny wanted to make it sure, so he drove 50 miles away.

Once again he said: "I want you now. Do it or get out and walk home!" Without saying a word, the girl undressed and the two had the greatest sex in Johnnie's whole life.

Afterwards, when the two of them were dressed again and drove home, Johnnie asked her why she had walked home the first two times, as she had obviously enjoyed it very much.

The girl answered: "Well , I will gladly walk 5 or 10 miles to save a good friend from gonorrhea, but 50 miles is just too much to ask."

JUST A WEE BIT

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well, " the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well, " explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her!"

JUST A WEE BIT

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm not on drugs."

............wait for it........

..........You're gonna love it.............

The bartender says, "You are now.

That was a barbitchyouate."

BAD DECISION

A MARRIED COUPLE WAS CELEBRATING THEIR 50TH ANNIVERSARY IN A CHURCH SOCIAL HALL. THE WIFE WAS SMILING, BUT THE HUSBAND HAD TEARS IN HIS EYES.

THE WIFE ASKED THE HUSBAND WHY HE WAS CRYING.

THE HUSBAND REPLIED, " FIFTY YEARS AGO TODAY, YOUR DADDY PUT A SHOTGUN TO MY HEAD AND SAID IF I DIDN'T MARRY YOU, HE'D PUT ME IN JAIL FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS. IF I HAD LISTENED TO HIM, I'D BE A FREE MAN TOMORROW.......

SMART FIRST GRADER

First grade teacher, Miss Adams, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asks, "Eddie, what is your problem?"

Eddie answers, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sist er is in the third grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade, too.

The teacher has had enough. She takes Eddie to the principal's office. While Eddie waited in the outer office, Miss Adams explains to the principal what the situation is .

The principal tells her he would give the boy a test and if he fails to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

Miss Adams agrees.

Eddie is brought in, the conditions are explained to him , and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "When do we celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Indpendence?"

Eddie: "July 4th"

Principal: "What is 6 x 8 ?"

Eddie: "48"

Principal" "What is the Capital of Canada?"

Eddie: "Ottawa"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should should know. The principal looks at Miss Adams and tells her, "I think Eddie can go to the third grade. I'll arrange for the transfer.

Miss Adams says to the principal, "Let me ask him a few questions."

The principal and Eddie both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Eddie, after a moment, "legs".

Teacher: "What do you have in YOUR pants that I don't have in mine?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he can stop the answer, Eddie replies, "Pockets".

The principal breathes a sigh of relief and says "Let's put Eddie in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!"

THE OPERATION

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said,nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

TRUE STORY

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 lunar module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival soviet cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom windows.

His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Sex! You want sex? You'll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

LET'S BE MARRIED

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. After the initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep. The man in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, " I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possible reach over and get me another blanket? "

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight let's pretend that we're married. "

The man happily says, " OK. AWESOME! "

The woman says " GOOD..... Get your own fucking blanket. "

BEWARE OF WOMEN

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her,"You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.

The woman replied,"That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me. So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches!!

Don't mess with them!!

THE BOSSES ADVICE

Carlos called his boss in the morning:

Ey, boss i not come work today I really sick. I got a headache,stomach ache, my legs hurt. I not come to work.

The boss says: You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.

2 hours later Carlos calls: Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you have a nice house!!!!!

WHERE MAN CAME FROM

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve. How are things, Eve?" He asked.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favourite creation?" He asked.

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see .

where did I put that useless tit?"

YUMMY GUM

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

BEST BLONDE JOKE EVER

Two blondes were walking down the street when one of them sees a compact on the other side of the road. She goes over to get it. She picks it up and opens it and says, "This person looks familiar."

Her friend takes the mirror and looks at it and says,"You dumbass, it's me!"

EXPENSIVE BARBIE

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift. So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.

A TYPICAL BOSS

This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up to the guy and asks - "and how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams - "here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks - "does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters - "He's a pizza delivery guy .

GOD BLESS EVERYONE

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma." The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

THE CHINESE DETECTIVE

> > > > A man suspected his wife was seeing > > > > another man, so he hired the > > > > famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, > > > > to watch and report any activities > > > > while he was gone. > > > > A few days later, he received this report: > > > > MOST HONORABLE SIR: > > > > > > > > YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE > > > > COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. > > > > HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. > > > > HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. > > > > I LOOK IN WINDOW. > > > > HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. > > > > HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. > > > > HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE ! PLAY WITH HE. > > > > I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. > > > > I NOT SEE. > > > > > > > > NO FEE, > > > > CHEN LEE.

WERE YOU FISHING?

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike."

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?

The wife replies, "I did, they were in your tackle box."

THE FASTEST CREW

There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers and the boss had to choose between a team of Polish guys and a team of Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift, the Irish guys came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed, and they said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, the Polish guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.

The boss said, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?

"The team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "We got three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those! Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said the Polish leader, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!"

WHAT HAPPENED?

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel,and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

WHERE ARE THE FISH

This blonde really wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly---from the sky---a voice boomed,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, even louder:

“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “ Is that you, Lord?”

The voice replied,

“NO, THIS IS THE ICE RINK MANAGER!”

THE SCOT LEARNS QUICK

A Scottish man was at a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double.

Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run!" This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.

The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

JESUS WAS A WOMAN

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on the subject of the ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. One by one,they offered their evidence:

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN

1. His name was Jesus

2. He was bilingual

3. He was always being harassed by the authorities