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If a baboon's red ass doesn't put a smile on your face, check your pulse.

I should have dated homeless girls when I was young. Then, I wouldn't have had to take them home. I could have dropped them off anywhere.

A successful marriage depends on 2 things. They are---------a mystery to me.

Chicken George is not a good name for a baby boy.

If you want to get seated first in a Vietnamese restaurant, don't address the waiter as "Charlie".

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeezethese dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there....I'm gonna eatthe next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horriblecrisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut,why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don'tpoint to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they aregoing to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They'reboth dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn'the just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank ATM machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

So what's the speed of dark?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Does a Jewish Ninja use a Throwing Star of David?

My wife asked me why most men die before their wives. Very quickly I answered. "Because they want to"

Why is there a sign on some stores that says, "Seeing Eye Dogs Allowed"? & The dog sure as hell can't read and his owner can't either?

Why do they have handicap parking at gyms?

I could make a million dollars marketing "butt flavored" dog and cat food.

Why did the psychic hot-line call and ask if I wanted to join? They should have already know that I wasn't interested.

The best age to enjoy children is when they don't need a diaper change and they can't drive a car.

Is a fly without wings called a WALK?

If a deaf mute is arrested, do the police have to read him his rights?

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you want a characteristic to get you through life, choose a sense of humor.

If God dropped acid, would he see people? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

If nice guys really finish last, then I am one of the nicest people you know

Lawyers and their clients aren't allowed to have sex, because they would be billing twice for the same service!!

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

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