Members pappyld04 Posted August 28, 2008 Members Report Share Posted August 28, 2008 Wife says to Husband "You make love like you decorate". Hisband replies "What? Very slow and professional?". "No" she replies, "I have to finish the job myself". ______________________________________________________________ Zookeeper says to Paddy "The Gorilla is in heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for £500?". Paddy replies "I''ll do it on 3 conditions. 1st, I''m not going to kiss it. 2nd, my family must never know and 3rd, I''ll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together!". _____________________________________________________________ 3 couples go camping, men in one camp, women in another. 1 bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and nudges his mate lying next to him, "I''m going next door to fuck my missus, I''ve got the biggest hard-on I''ve ever had". "I''d better come with you then" his mate replies "cos it''s my cock you''ve got a hold of !"The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.The answer was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their belief''s by using Boyle''s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when compressed or some variant.One student, however, wrote the following.First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.So we need to know the rate a which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more that one religion, we can project that all souls will go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle''s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls are entering then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So, which is it?If we accept the postulate give to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept on shouting "Oh My God" This student received an A+ A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.In her 20s, a woman''s breasts are like melons, round and firm.In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.After 50, they are like onions"."Onions?""Yes, you see them and they make you cry."This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of ''willies'' are there?"The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree"."A Christmas tree?""Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The case of the camping tripSherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions of stars." "...and what does that tell you?" Holmes calmly continued. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in LEO. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a moment, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone''s stolen our fucking tent."The one about the golf lessonsA husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife''s breasts." The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The golf pro says, "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth" The one(s) about Little JohnnyLittle Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ''urinate.'' Please use the word ''urinate'' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Well, you''re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you''d be a ten!!!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom''s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"The drunk in the bathroomThis guy is sitting in a bar, drunk, and he asks the bartender where the bathroom is. The bartender said "go down the hall and make a right", so off goes our hero.Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream and wonders what is going on. A few seconds goes by another loud scream is heard from the bathroom. This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the screaming is about. He opens the door and asks "What''s all the screaming about in here? You''re scaring all my customers away." The drunk says "I''m sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder you asshole, you''re sitting on a mop bucket"The refugeeThe elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son", said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That''s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest. "It''s worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That''s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?" "Of course, my son", said the priest. The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I''m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I''m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She marched Little Johnny to the principal''s office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36" And on it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and said, "You know, I think Little Johnny may move up to the third-grade!" The teacher says to the principal, "First, let me ask him some questions, myself." The principal and Little Johnny both agree, and the teacher begins in "rapid-fire". Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Little Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" Little Johnny: "Pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal''s eyes open wide, but before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Shake hands" Teacher: What''s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin milky liquid?" (The principal''s eyes really open wide, and before he can stop the answer.....) Little Johnny: "A Coconut" Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Little Johnny: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "Now I will ask you some ''"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Little Johnny: "Yup" Teacher: "You blow me, you feel good!" Little Johnny: "Your Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come in a quiver" Little Johnny: "An Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an ''F'' and ends in ''K'' that makes for a lot of excitement?" Little Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a long sigh of relief and exclaimed, "Put that boy in the fifth-grade! I got most of those questions wrong myself!!!------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Priceless... Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can''t believe. He forceshimself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple ofaspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them,asingle red rose. Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, allclean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is inperfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes theaspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him inthe bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Loveyou!"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast andthe morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,"Son...what happened last night?""Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You brokesome furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I''m married!"Broken furniture - $85.26Hot Breakfast - $4.20Two Aspirins -$.38Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Dog food have a Golden retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purinaat Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind measkedif I had a dog?(DUH!)On impulse, I told her that no, I didn''t have a dog, and that Iwasstarting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn''t,because I''d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I''d lost50pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubescoming out ofmost of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that theway that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purinanuggets andsimply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that thefood isnutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have tomention here thatpractically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with mystory.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because thedogfood poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff anIrishsetter''s butt and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, hewas laughing so hard!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ireland declare war on France Jacques Chirac, the French president, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings."Hallo, Mr Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!""Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?""Right now," says Paddy, after a moment''s calculation, "there is me-self,me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I''ll have to ring ya back.Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!""And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy''s farm tractor."Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured arsonnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke" "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I''ll have to get back to ya."Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin''s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tellyou, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back."Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'' the mornin'', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?""Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no fuckin'' way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It has been brought to management''s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner: 1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don''t know what the fuck you''re doing. 2) TRY SAYING: She''s an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She''s a ball-busting bitch. 3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this? 4) TRY SAYING: I''m certain that isn''t feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way. 5) TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You''ve got to be shitting me! 6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit. 7) TRY SAYING: I wasn''t involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It''s not my fucking problem. 8) TRY SAYING: That''s interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? 9) TRY SAYING: I''m not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This shit won''t work. 10) TRY SAYING: I''ll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn''t you tell me sooner? 11) TRY SAYING: He''s not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He''s got his head up his ass. 12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die. 13) TRY SAYING: So you weren''t happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. 14) TRY SAYING: I''m a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I''m on salary. 15) TRY SAYING: I don''t think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass. 16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. 17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss? 18) TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Blow me. 19) TRY SAYING: He''s somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He''s a prick. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Why, Why, Why1. Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know full well there is no money in the account to pay the fee?3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?4. Why doesn''t glue stick to the bottle?5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?6. Why doesn''t Tarzan have a beard?7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?11. Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?12. Is there ever a day that 3 piece suite are not in a half price sale?13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?16. How do dead insects get into those enclosed light fittings?17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping trolley then apologises for doing so, why do we say, "It''s all right?" Well, it isn''t all right, so why don''t we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that''s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?And my FAVORITE......21. The statistics on Sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they''re okay, then it''s you.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Lords Prayer My vibro which brings me heaven, Rabbit be thy name.Til kingdom come, thy make me cum...on earth with eyes on heaven.Giv me this day my daily thrill, and forgive me my screams, as i forgive flat batteries.Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from frustration.For thine is the rotation, the power and the buzzing, for ever and ever NO MEN !!!-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man walks into a bar and sees a sexy blonde sitting at the bar,he walks over and offers to buy her a drink.No thanks she replys alcohol does not agree with my legs.Why says the man does it make them swell,no says the blonde it makes them open.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------25 things we''ve learn''t from porn --------------------------------------------------------------------------------Women wear heels to bed Men are never impotent When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than enough Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob Women always orgasm when men do A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket All women are noisy fucks People in the 70s couldn''t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background A common and enjoyable sex practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman''s butt Men always groan "OH YEAH" when they cum If there is two of them they "high 5" each other and the girl isn''t disgusted Double penetration makes women smile Asian men don''t exist There''s a plot When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt Nurses suck patient''s cocks Men always pull out Women never have headaches or periods When a woman is sucking a man''s cock, it''s important for him to remind her to "suck it" Assholes are clean A man ejaculating on a woman''s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man''s trousers and find a cock there Men don''t have to beg When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman''s head and the other proudly on his hip -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A guy goes to Vegas and gambles away his money.He hops into a taxi to catch his flight home.The driver says that will be $ 15 .I don''t have the $15 but I will give you my DL, a check, or a IOU, I promise I will pay you back. The driver says get out of my taxi. The guy hitches a ride from a passerby and catches his plane.A year later he is in Vegas and staying at the same hotel as before. He goes to catch a taxi and sees the merciless driver at the end of the line. So he comes up with a plan.He gets in the 1st taxi and says how much to the airport? The driver says $15. And how much for a BJ? The driver says get out of my car! He repeats this process with each driver til he reaches the merciless one. At that point he gets in and says take me to the airport. As he is being driven past all the other taxi drivers he gives them a big smile and thumbs up. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Women Drivers This morning on the M4, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN !!in a brand new Audi doing 95 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don''t scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, and ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away fromevil incarnate.Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God''s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do.""Aren''t you afraid of me?" Satan asked."Nope, sure ain''t." said the man."Don''t you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan."Don''t doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone."Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan."Yep," was the calm reply.And you''re still not afraid?" asked Satan."Nope," said the old man.More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren''t you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years".--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV''s in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.They were surprised to find that in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit!"Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Georgia, Alabama and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I''m gonna try somethin''". ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Anal GlaucomaAn employee calls her boss to say she won''t be into work today, she is sick.The boss, a little ticked that she''s called in sick again says "What''s the matter with you?""I have anal glaucoma" the employee replies."Anal glaucoma, what the heck is that"says the bossman.Employee chirps back "I just can''t see my ass getting into work today". --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Rectum Stretcher While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on theother side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What''s your hurry?"To which she replied, "I''m late for work."Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"I''m a rectum stretcher," she responded.The cop stammered, "A what?A rectum stretcher?And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up totwo fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work fromside to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it''s about 6-feet wide.""And just what the hell do you do with a 6-foot asshole?" he asked."You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..! ." Traffic Ticket $95.00Court Costs. $45.00Look on the Cop''s Face............... PRICELESS-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Super Bowl Train George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hilary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing."Watch and learn," answers Hilary. They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see the Clinton''s at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton''s see that the Bushes don''t buy any ticket at all. "Aren''t you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hilary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clinton''s cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton''s toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."And you''re still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.========================================================================================================Friendship!!!!!!!Friendship Between Women: A woman didn''t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend''s house. The man called his wife''s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn''t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy''s house. The woman called her husband''s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.===============================================================================================duhhhhhh A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."==============================================================================================================A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a maskedrobber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen.Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it''s too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears "What''s wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it''s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It''s okay," says the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet came out." "No," says the boy,"I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"===========================================================================================================HOW TO TRANSLATE PERSONAL ADS: WOMEN''S ADS: 40-ish....................................49 Adventurer.............................Slept with all your friends Athletic..................................No tits Average looking......................Has a face like a basset hound Beautiful................................Pathological liar Contagious Smile....................Does a lot of Ecstasy Educated..........................Banged her Political Science professor Emotionally Secure.................Medicated Feminist..................................Fat ball buster Free spirit...............................Junkie Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut Fun......................................Annoying Gentle...................................Comatose Good Listener........................Borderline Autistic New-Age...............................All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned.......Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs Open-minded..........................Desperate Outgoing................................Loud and Embarrassing Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk Poet.......................................Depressive Schizophrenic Professional............................Certified Bitch Redhead.................................Bad dye-job Reubenesque...........................Grossly Fat Romantic................................Looks better by candle light Social..............Has been passed around like an hors d''oeuvres tray Voluptuous.............................Very Fat Height/weight proportional.......Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate......................Stalker Widow................................Drove first husband to shoot himself Young at heart. .......................Old bat MEN''S ADS: 40-ish.....................................52 and looking for 25-yr-old Athletic...................................Watches a lot of NASCAR Average looking...........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, &back Educated..............................Will patronize the shit out of you Free Spirit........... ...................Banging your sister Friendship first...................As long as friendship involves nookie Fun.................................Good with a remote and a six pack Good looking...........................Arrogant Very good looking....................Dumb as a board Honest....................................Pathological Liar Huggable.......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear Likes to cuddle........................Insecure mama''s boy Mature....................................Older than your father Open-minded....Wants to sleep with your roommate but she''s not interested Physically fit............................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls Poet.......................Wrote ex-girlfriend''s phone number on a bathroom stall Sensitive..................................Cries at chick flicks Very sensitive...........................Gay Spiritual....................................Got laid in a cemetery once Stable..........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts ========================================================================================================Last Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am, that''s why she cuts the grass."===========================================================================================================The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the "Style Invitational." The requirements this week were to use the two words, Lewinsky (The Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in the samelimerick. The following winning entries were printed in the newspaper: Third place: There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky ''Twas "Hail to the Chief" On this flute made of beef That stole the front page from Kaczynski Second place: Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky, "We don''t want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you made such a mess,Use the hem of your dress And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky." And the winning entry: Lewinsky and Clinton have shown What Kaczynski must surely have known That an intern is better Than a bomb in a letter When deciding how best to be blown=====================================================================================================A new poll taken from 1000 men as to what they enjoyed most about getting a blow job.10% said they enjoyed the intimacy they shared with their SO as well as the variety of feelings they experienced from the orgasm.15% said they enjoyed the feeling of dominance and control they had over their SO''s when receiving the BJ as well as the ability to orgasm stronger.75% said they enjoyed the silence.==========================================================================================================An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament. Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won''t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I''m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Don''t dig up that garden. That''s where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That''s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie ===========================================================================================================The Penis StudyIn 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it.After one year and $18,000,00000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.After the US published the study, Sweden decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man''s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead=============================================================================================================Cyber-sex A son asks his father, "Daddy, how was I born?" His father sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out! Well, you see your mother and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your her and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my harddrive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the Delete button. Six weeks later your mother sent me an IM saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then, nine months later, a little Pop-Up appearedand said: ''You''ve Got Male''!" ==============================================================================================================A democrat and a republican were standing on the street together when this really hot chick walks by. The democrat says, "Wouldn''t you love to screw her?" and the republican says, "Out of what?" ==========================================================================================================BEER vs. PUSSY: THE PLAYOFF 1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy5. Ten beers in one night and you can''t drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don''t want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy8. You normally don''t find old beer. - One point to BEER9. Too much beer and you''ll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you''ll think you''ve seen God. - One point to PUSSY10. In most countries there''s a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER12. You can always be sure if you''re the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER13. If you shake beer it''ll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER15. Beer doesn''t have a mother - One point to BEER16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you''ve drank it - One point to BEERFINAL SCORE: BEER 9PUSSY 7That''s it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEERPS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. -An extra point for BEER============================================================================================================So what did You learn from YOUR mother? Here is what I learned from mine.My Mother Taught MeTo Value A Job Well Done"If you''re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."Time Travel"If you don''t straighten up, I''m going to knock you into the middle of next week!" Logic"Because I said so, that''s why."Foresight"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you''re in an accident."Irony"Keep crying and I''ll give you something to cry about."Osmosis"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."Stamina"You''ll sit there until all that spinach is gone."Weather"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."Hypocrisy"If I told you once, I''ve told you a million times. Don''t exaggerate!"Circle Of Life"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." Behavior Modification"Stop acting like your father!" Envy"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don''t have wonderful parents like you do."Anticipation"Just wait until we get home." Receiving"You are going to get it when you get home!" Medical Science"If you don''t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."How To Become An Adult"If you don''t eat your vegetables, you''ll never grow up."Genetics"You''re just like your father."Wisdom"When you get to be my age, you''ll understand."Justice"One day you''ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"====================================================================================================A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny and some that were sad. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years:This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)Whales are animals, not fish. If they don''t get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)Oysters'' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don''t have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She''s not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of it''s head. (Billy age 6)My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn''t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)I''m not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can''t think what to write. (Amy age 8)Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)My mom has fish nets, but doesn''t catch any fish (Laura age 5)When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8)When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won''t do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)=========================================================================================================(From Airways Magazine June 05 issue)The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel. He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?""No, sir," replies the newbie."I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer. The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 an sets it on his chart table."What''s THAT for?" queries the surprised captain."Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I''ll know we''re lost before you will."----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the otherand says, "You know, I don''t know what to do. Whenever I go homeafter we''ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before Iget to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into thegarage, I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg toprevent splashing sounds, then, I ease into bed and my wife "STILL" wakes upand yells at me for staying out so late!"His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you''re obviously taking the wrongapproach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the buttand shout, "WHO''S H0RNY??!!!"..." and she acts like she''s asleep every time. ===========================================================================================================WHAT PORNOS HAVE TAUGHT US ...1. Women wear high heels to bed.2. Men are never impotent.3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.8. Women always orgasm when men do.9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.10. All women are noisy fucks.11. People in the 70''s couldn''t fuck unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.12. Those tits are real.13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman''s butt.14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other.(and the girl isn''t disgusted!)16. Double penetration makes women smile.17. Asian men don''t exist.18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won''t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend''s mouth.19. There''s a plot.20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.21. Nurses suck patients cocks.22. Men always pull out.23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she''ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.24. Women never have headaches... or periods.25. When a woman is sucking a man''s cock, it''s important for him to remind her to "suck it".26. Assholes are clean.27. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man''s trousers and find a cock there.29. Men don''t have to beg.30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman''s head and the other proudly on his hip. ===========================================================================================================Boudreaux Fishin in Lousiana Boudreaux been fish''n down by de bayou all day an he done run outta night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie. Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he''d get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din''t lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux''s arm try''n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain''t let go dat snake or he''s gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf. Well, dat snake''s eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish''n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin'' on his barefoot toe. Terrified, he slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif two more frogs.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------One day a teacher is going over mathematics with her class. She says to her class "Ok, you have 5 birds on a telephone wire. A farmer comes out and shoots one. How many are remaining?" He says to the teacher "Ok, now I have a problem for you ma''am". The teacher was surprised as to this, but decided to amuse him none the less. She says "Ok, go ahead and askJohnny says "There are 3 women walking down the street eating ice cream on a cone. One is licking the ice cream, another is biting the ice cream, and the 3rd is sucking the ice cream, which one is married?" Blushing, the teacher didn''t know what to say right away, at the same time, she wanted to guess right so she says "Hmmmmm, I would have to say the one licking the ice cream". Johnny says "No. The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you''re thinking!".---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Masturbate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that''s a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you''re thinking of a blowjob." ===========================================================================================================Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn''t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour, " But, April didn''t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good, " and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I''LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!" The Teacher fainted.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Bungee Jumping in Mexico Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says toFrank, "you know, we could make a lot of money running our ownbungee-jumping business in Mexico." > > Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their moneyand buy everything they''ll need; a tower, a bungee cord, insurance, etc.They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a large crowd gathered they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. > > So, Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and welts on her body. Unfortunately, Frank isn''t able to catch her and she falls again, bounces, and comes back up again. > > This time, she is heavily bruised and bleeding profusely. > Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up. She''s got a couple of broken bones, welts all over, bleeding, and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says worriedly, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" > > Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine ... it was the crowd down below ... what the hell is a pinata?!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Here''s an interesting UCLA clinical study: A study conducted by UCLA''s Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire. Further studies are pending. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?" The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ''dry'' and is going to get a drink from the river.The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the shore, then asks the lizard, "What''s the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while trying to get a drink.The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!" The Monkey looks down and says, "Fuck, Dude! How much water did you drink?!!"-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.