Super.
Entry posted by synirr
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So it looks like I have a friend with benefits. Normally I'd be ecstatic, but I'm actually pretty disappointed. First time I've ever been disappointed about no-strings-attached sex.
Same guy as from the last post. Incase you couldn't tell, I actually like this guy. We hung out yesterday and I was getting such mixed signals that I don't know which way is up.
He asked me out to dinner, then came back to my place and we hung out until around 2AM. He suggested future plans for the weekend after next. He was going to head back to his apartment, so I walked him to the door and asked if he'd object to a kiss. He said no, he wouldn't object, but that it made it harder for him to leave... then followed that up by saying he thought we'd be better off just friends.
I was cool with that, honestly... I figured he didn't think we were compatible, and there's nothing you can do to change that, so I was more than ready to just accept it. I'm willing to admit I'm a little odd, and not everyone's cup of tea. But then, because nothing can ever be that simple, he tries to explain. This becomes an hour long conversation about how he doesn't know what he's doing with his life, is pretty sure he doesn't believe in God anymore, and is having trouble finding a purpose to existence. I'm glad we had this conversation because he obviously needed to get it off his chest (I found out a couple of weeks back about him being depressed and had confronted him about it already, so this was no shock,) but what does all of this have to do with me? Before that I was willing to assume it was just incompatibility, but now I have no fucking clue what the real issue is. I have a friend who suffers chronic depression, which she keeps under control with meds and therapy, and she said it sounded to her like he was feeling guilty and wanted to avoid a relationship because he felt like he was a bad influence and would just drag other people down with him. I honestly kinda hope that's the reason, because that's something you CAN change, but I'm not willing to assume that's the right answer just because it's the preferable one. I'm gonna try to talk to him about it soon, I'm pretty lost here and I need to have this explained to me.
So, again, after this conversation he's on the way out the door and I kinda jokingly mention in passing that while I was 100% fine with being friends (and I am, if that's all I can get,) I also want to molest him almost constantly, so if I continued to be flirty in the future he shouldn't worry, that's all it is. Once again, he said that made it even harder for him to leave. Long story short, he decided to stay the night after thinking it over for a long time. If nothing else, I'm really glad he decided to stay, because it gave me the chance to tell him how gorgeous I think he is, and I hope he at least left feeling a little better about himself. Plus, I'd have been sad if I never got to see that body again. 
So, yeah. I have no idea what to do. I really like this guy, and I pretty desperately want to preserve the friendship if nothing else, but I don't think I'm quite ready to give up on wanting more yet either, not while there's still the possibility that he's interested. I will probably just ask him about it, as planned, next time I see him.
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