LoveBitten

... well... he's consented that the toy thing is a good idea, finally. But now, we have another problem. Time to switch topics. *sigh*

Okay, so: No, I still haven't had a "success" as far as orgasms go, though, at the collective urging, I'm not focused on that. ... I -have- taken this as an opportunity to try to understand myself. I do feel I've had some success. I've been able to find a few more sensative spots, my sessions have been -less- disappointing, and I've managed to find that pleasant feeling more than once in the same sitting, so, that suggests (in my more ridiculously optimistic thoughts) that multiples are -not- impossible, either. Interestingly enough, I realized there was something I -really- hadn't properly taken into account about the first time. My position. I'm usually on my back. Traditional sorta pose, I guess. When I actually had said 'O'? Nuh uh. Soo, if my theory is correct? I'm definitely one of those gals who likes the feel of being on top. When I switched to a similar position, something clicked. It's been a while since I felt myself respond -that- much so quickly. xD In all honesty, I'm surprised I didn't realize this sooner. Personality-wise, that fits me. ...But here's what absolutely -kills- me about this: I'm overweight. >.> Now, yes, the self-esteem thing, I know I mentioned in my replies, but it's not that that worries me. It's not -me- I'm worried about with that. It's my boyfriend. xD Lol, he may not be a pencil himself, but he sure is compared to -me-! I've been afraid to so much as lay on top of him, even though I really love using him as a pillow. I mean, -love-. We're both avid cuddlers, really. But, dammit, I'm afraid I'll break something of his. >.> Especially because, um, for being very gentle the majority of the time, I -can- get surprisingly rough when I'm excited. (XD Case in point? He told me he was afraid I was gonna swallow his tongue during one very heated make-out session.) As far as doing this on my own goes, um, I'm kind of baffled as to how to make it work, really. Sure, I'm aware there are those suction cup toys for solo-"riding" I could get if I really wanted to, but... >.> those don't appeal to me. First off, I can't imagine ANY surface in my tiny appartment doing that comfortably, my shower included. Second, I'd actually prefer something more clit focused? ... I really can't figure out how I did it the first time. Which makes sense, because I wasn't -trying- to figure anything out. I wasn't thinking, period. I consider this a break-through, though. And there is something else I... -really- wanna try. I'm just terrified of it. Oral. ... See, um, he was going to try to return the favor one day and, I have been really curious about that for some time. But, when he tried, he sheepishly confessed that the bizarre taste of the lube I had there from another part of our session was just too much. But, um, I realized later on, much to my supreme horror... the lube didn't -have- a flavor! X_X And I checked myself. It might as well have been water. *sigh* I'm glad it was there, though. Knowing him, he might not have been comfortable admitting he didn't like it if he really thought it was me. >.> I... am intent on finding a kind he likes because...I can't ask him to do that again -without- something to mask said taste. And... xD he was only at it for about 3 seconds? I still have no concept of whether or not I like it. I hate the idea of getting a yeast infection, though, and so many, many lubes have ingredients that make it a risk. Lastly, I realized -another- thing that made getting off kinda hard. I would love for my bf to use toys on me? For, say, clit stimulation...? First time I tried that... he even confessed on the spot that he was jealous. I couldn't stand that, so, I moved on from that less than a minute later, asking him to do something else which -only- involved him. It's hard to think of bringing it back up because I -really- don't want him to feel like he's not enough for me. >.> I guess I'm trying to get across the fact that it's not the toy itself, but -him using it on me- that I like. Anyway, I think I'm getting -somewhere-. Thanks again for the reassurance, everyone.

I figured I ought to come back and offer you a reply and an update (which, the latter, separate post, okies?) since you took the time to talk to me about my concerns. First of all, I am grateful for the support. I appreciate all of your responses. Ladylove ... your mothering attitude on this actually brings me -back- to said tears I mentioned before, heh. I have taken to your suggestion about being less goal-oriented, but it's challenging. As far as the mirror thing goes? I -did- try, but... my block there is I'm overweight, and... I hate that about myself. I always have. I cannot feel turned on looking at myself. Period. I like seeing my boyfriend do stuff, and I find myself more aware of sensations if I watch what I'm doing, but... looking in a mirror is too much for me. I don't have that kind of self-esteem. The moments when I forget about my weight all together are when I feel best about myself. I have come to accept that, for some people, I am attractive...that my boyfriend likes my body as it is, and that he honestly believes I'm the most beautiful woman he knows (God bless him, angel that he is. I'd swear up and down he needs new glasses, but I have made some effort to see myself differently. And sometimes, I do. I always thought some things about me were... fairly pretty, my hair, eyes, lips, bust size, exc, but I have also gotten outright -nauseated- looking at myself.) Maybe it's just something to work on, but for now, it's not for me. Peachylamb ... Ahh, I feel fairly guilty about this, but I'm honestly very grateful to see someone else who can currently relate. However, ironically, some stimulation actually only feels really good -with- my boyfriend, even though I've only orgasmed alone. As... a for instance, I've felt good with nipple play before on my own, but, uh... yeah. Nowhere near how good I feel when he's doing it. xD Then again, I can't put mine in my own mouth that easily, and even if I could, I'd be uncomfortable and feel pretty bizarre about the whole thing anyway. Fantasies are a hobby of mine, honestly. As a writer (only for fun, my career is actually medical,) I've loved love stories (including the 'dirty' kinds) to death, but it's not all that easy for me to make them for -myself-. Thinking about my boyfriend can be preeetty helpful, but... it also makes me miss him. xD And feeling sad is counterproductive. For the mirror thing, well, if you'll see what I wrote to Ladylove, you'll see I have a similar problem, but have yet to master it. Tyger... ain't it the truth? It was... an interesting conversation, trying to explain to my bf that females (at the very least, many that I've known) are just not that simple. (>.> He still feels guilty about the fact that, the week we spent together, I got him off every -day- ... which, honestly, I really did enjoy the experience, in spite of not getting the same experience. xD Call me kinky, but I love the noises he makes. And the power-trip feeling isn't too bad, either, knowing how much of an effect I can have on him.) I do always set up everything I need, turn on the fan because I enjoy the background noise, get comfortable, I've lit candles that had some of my favorite scents... but, mmm, while I've -tried- porn-type stuff to see if it'd get me anywhere... xD I ended up critiquing it and making myself giggle about the acting, or just gawking at the human gumby dolls involved. It's not for me. ... aaand, next is the update...

xD Oh man, that's awesome... haa... kids are great like that. So funny without meaning to be.

xD Haah, I love stuff like this... art inspiration from the strangest of places... the romantic drama of an orange.

If the question was 'do I surf the web / use my computer in the buff?' The answer is... Of course. I like being comfortable, after all, so...far more often than I do otherwise. However, if I tried that exact pose in this chair at my desk? Haah. No thanks, if I fall over in this thing, the only thing sexy about it may be whatever doctor or chiropractor who has to help me afterward--if that.

I've heard plenty of arguments against it, some for it. All I really know is as follows: I love him, he loves me, and it's one of the best (if not the best) things that has ever happened to me. It's worked out thus far. All of our in-person meetings have gone well, and while we've dealt with conflict and disagreement (like... -any- couple...) we've dealt with it better, more honestly and openly than I have with anyone else I've ever known. As for the subject of moving? We share the same opinion. It'd be worth it, as long as we're together.

Nice to know what it's called at least. ... I've tried more than one mind-setting, though, because I -assumed- my problem was that I was too focused on getting there or the stress of not being able to. I've managed to get myself to relax and just experience what I'm trying to do. And it's -nice-, sure, it works -better- that way, but it's still nowhere near successful. I've set aside time where it's just me, nowhere I need to go, no appointments, no phone-calls to answer...entire evening to myself, which is not easy to do in my life, but I have. No success. Either these blocks are pretty damn stubborn or... I don't know. As for my background: I wouldn't say it gets in the way. It made me pretty damn confused initially, but I don't feel any guilt about it. I think it makes me a bit more eager to make up for lost time, perhaps. Yes, I have a religious upbringing which is still apart of who I am, but it hasn't hindered me. I was referring to my relationship with my mother: She and I never really discussed this kind of thing. She told me how sex works, explained the parts involved in the most basic means of doing it, but not exactly why people like it. It was introduced as more of a means of making babies rather than bonding or recreational purposes. (I didn't know what a clit was until a few years ago. Sad? Yes. Hell, I wonder if SHE even knows.) And masterbation was out of the question. It was introduced as something -guys- do. Part of my upbringing was sexist. I blame that on my bastard of a father, though, it has nothing to do with my belief system. Anyway, no. I don't feel bad about it, if anything, I just feel a tad less... ... capable as a female at this point.

I just don't know anymore. I'm almost 22 years old and I've only had one -real- orgasm, and that was during a solo session. I've felt pretty good plenty of times before and after that experience. Getting wet isn't terribly difficult. My boyfriend is very talented in making me feel pleasure, and my toys can still get me kind of close, like to the point when I start to feel the way I did that time. The contractions and the heady, occasionally headache inducing, (I learned that it was out of a need to breathe deeply) lovely experience. So I suppose I could sort of count a couple of other experiences when it started, but I didn't actually finish having one those other times. -.- Rather than drunken sounding giggles or an 'Oh, wow, holy crap, that was awesome,' it ended in groans of frustration and 'dammit, I wasn't done, why did it have to stooop...?' It was kinda like, climbing, and climbing, and expecting to get somewhere, seeing your goal and... then falling off just before getting there. -.-; (Why? At first it was a lot of reasons. My hand got tired, I moved the wrong way, my toy slipped, the batteries died, I have really crappy luck I suppose and after I get that far only to be let down, I usually give up. I -have- made genuine attempts afterward, but multiples don't seem to work for me, which is unnerving for me as a woman since that's... suppose to be one of the great things about being a girl, isn't it? You can go at it again...?) At this point? I really don't know what to do. I just can't seem to get 'far enough' anymore. The more I try, the less of a response I get out of myself. That in mind, I've taken breaks before, a week or so. It doesn't seem to help. I've tried other forms of stimulation, and yeah, they've occasionally gotten me a little further. (Anal toys, for instance? It was weird to me at first, but apparently I do like that sort of thing.) Closest I seem to get is triple stimulation and it STILL doesn't work. I've tried breathing techniques, finding my G-spot, so on and so forth. I've tried those stimulating gels, too. Complete waste of time for me so far. Also, cliteral stimulation in general... sometimes it feels effective? But usually, no. Seriously, what the hell, am I broken or something? I'm actually a bit of a late bloomer, I didn't even really start 'doing stuff' with myself consistently til about age 18 for crying out loud. (If you knew my mother, you'd understand.) How the hell am I having this much trouble when I've barely gotten started... x.x At this point that experience has become a distant--lovely, but very distant--memory. Honestly, more than once, I threw up my hands and went "fine, what the hell, I can live without it." And in said fit of exasperation, I might have actually left the subject alone, if not for something, or rather, someone bringing it back up. I know my boyfriend wants to be able to make me climax. It's important to him. The way he told me...how passionate he was about it...kinda makes me feel like crying. I think it's actually heart-breaking for him that I can get him to, but he hasn't had any success with me, and I just... ... don't know if I can anymore. Help? ... Please?