moskal12

I have been trying to get my wife to play with me back there for almost 10 years. She says it's gross when she almost touches me there and thinks its gross when I masturbate with anal stimulation. I would love to try this with a women to see if it matches up with my fantasy...

I'd like to add my two cents if I may.... I am also in a high desire/low desire marriage. We are going on 13yrs and have 3 beautiful children from it. I am a good hearted person, not an angel by any means, but I would go out of my way to help a stranger if needed, and further for a friend. This was a big reason for marrying my wife. She is almost an angel. Being young (high school sweethearts) I thought I had the perfect mix.... in high school she was 'normal' too.... she would drink with her girlfriends, give me oral and had a libido. Fast forward to today (20yrs later) and she has little to no libido. I do know what is causing part of this and I try to change it or help with it as much as I can, but stress from money, 3 kids 7 & under and both of us working crazy schedules is taking it's toll on both of us. I have 2 jobs (3 during winter) yet I still want and desire her. What do I get? Most nights it's "Are you crazy?" or "I'm too tired" or simply removing my hand from wherever it may be. She has not given me a blowjob since shortly after we were married, doesn't like to try any other position except missionary, thinks my toys are disgusting, never masturbates and many times she gets her orgasm and falls asleep while trying to give me mine or simply says that she "will make it up to me another time" which NEVER happens. I usually have to coax her into letting me play with her to get her excited and she enjoys me giving her oral, but will not reciprocate. I have noticed that she will loosen up a little if she has a couple drinks, but that happens rarely too. Why am I still with her? I can't imagine a better mother for my children and we have such a history together that I can't imagine being anywhere else. I know what I desire physically, but she will probably never be(do) it. I have tried talking to her and it's not an easy conversation. It did get better for a little while when she wasn't thinking about finances/etc, but then the economy tanked and now we have financial issues to compound things. I have thought about someone on the side, but the guilt would kill me. I am thinking of asking her if she just wants me to find a FB so I will just leave her alone. I have been turned down 3 nights in the past week alone. I did an experiment once... I went as long as I could without initiating anything... it was almost 9 months and when I told her what I was doing she told me I was crazy, that we had "done it" as she calls it, just a few weeks ago. Even a few weeks is too long in my opinion, but it seems our average in the last 16 months or so is maybe 1-2 times a month. Just like several others here, I can't get her to open up or even do things she did when we were younger. And worst of all, she does nothing to help the situation. I go through stages where I just want to give up and not touch her/kiss her out of resentment, but eventually desire takes over and I make a move. Sometimes she responds, most times not. It's maddening. Thanks for letting me vent.

I couldn't agree with this more. What people do behind closed doors is their business (and pleasure). I just wish that my wife would see this as a pleasure, but she thinks ANYTHING butt related is gross. Too bad because I think she would like it :-(

Thank you for the suggestions. I will give them a try and let you know how things go although I know it won't happen overnight.

Tyger, I agree with everything you have said, and supposedly my wife thinks that way too. I'm sure you remember the old saying "Actions speak louder than words?" I have to say that applies here tremendously. She can talk a pretty good game sometimes, but the actions almost never follow in regards to our sex life. Howard, We have lots of family around and several friends and try to take advantage of that. Problem is, most of the time when we need the help, it is work related. But, I do have to say that when the opportunity arises for a "night out," our friends and family stumble over themselves because they will do almost anything to help us. We may have it tough financially and time-wise but we are still better off than alot of people too. We NEVER forget that. That is just one of the things I LOVE about my wife

Tyger, Thank you for your post. You have lots & lots of good, valid points. Yes, she is a somewhat strong willed person and I will have a tough time getting her to go, but I am not going to give up. Yes, I have pretty much always been a pacifist, but I am realizing that while it may have it's good points being that way, it can leed to bad things as well. I do go to the GYN check ups for the baby when work permits, and I try to get to the kids DR's visits too. I was asking several questions yesterday and got her other meds and things to try for the nausea. All in all, a good visit. She and her sister did not tell anyone about what had happened until they were 12 I think. In that year her father passed away from a heart attack as well. About 4 years ago, she came face to face with her molester at her work. He was doing community service. A gentleman who was sort of a father figure at work got the man removed from the premises. We found out he died of cancer or something 2 years ago. There are VERY few people who know about it and her mother is one, but she never did a thing about it. No talks, no counciling, nothing. There is no apparent resentment, but maybe it's buried deep..... Whittbo, I do understand the mommy factor, but I believe (moreso now than ever) that husband & wife have to come BEFORE the kids at least part of the time. It can't always be about the kids or that's all that will be left.

Howard, I have a 2yo and a 4yo. They are my biggest concern - over and above my sex life or anything else. I grew up knowing my parents werent happy or satisfied in the sex area and I don't want my children seeing the same thing. I will get a divorce before I let them see us really argue. You just made me think of something else... you had an topic about a month ago of "flirting with your spouse." I sent her a link to it so she could look at it, and she opened every other email around it, but not that one. I am assuming because the title said "sex talk" is why she didn't touch it, but I just thought that was interesting. Also, I think the alone time would be great except that our schedules don't allow it. I work during the day and we tag team at 4 so she can go to work. It's very tough. We cant afford to put both kids in daycare or anything, and now with this third on the way, we are both very distraught. I do take care of the kids on Sat & Sun mornings so she can sleep in, and I do have a friend who said he would try to help me get the kids out so she has her time. Unfortunately I think I am going to have to get a 2nd job so she can stay home to take care of the kids, and that is going to lessen our already little time together.

Maybe I will enlist her sisters help again, that might work if we keep pushing her. I see your point about "mommy mode." I do it so she can relax & maybe sleep a little, but in the back of my mind, I am hoping it will help me in the long run. I am not going to stop helping just because she isn't in the mood though. If it were me, I would appreciate all the help I could get. I almost feel as though any efforts right now are futile, but I hope that they will have a payoff in the future. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I am sure that she remembers things and feeling from when it happened (both your sister & my wife). I know my wife will not let me take her hand and place it on my groin. Apperantly that is one of the things the molester did, but she doesn't remember more than that or won't talk about it if she does. I make sure I don't do that since she told me....

I think it has alot to do with the molestation thing and the mommy thing, then lastly the hormones. I try to help out and do as much as I can so the mommy part won't be as much of an issue, but I cannot help the other two parts. Maybe the hormones has something to do with that night, but she also had her first beer in about 2 years. She is not a drinker, but she wanted one that night. She told me after that she had just planned on teasing me on top and seeing where it led, but it felt good and didn't feel like stopping. During our last arguement (3 nights ago) I told her that I think she might have planned this all along. She has said for the last 2 years that she wants another child and I kept telling her that I was happy with the size of our family now. I still think I may be right. She probably figured, if it happens then great....

Thank you both for your advice. Her sister does know of my issues and had tried a little to get my wife to go to counseling, but it didn't work. But, she didn't push hard and I was supposed to "not know" she was being pushed to go. Maybe it's time I try again. I appreciate your sympathetic ears as well. It is nice to be able to have an real conversation about these things. I did know about the molestation before we got married, but I was nieve because I really thought she was ok, like she said. I did tell her that sex is an important part of a marriage to me and that I don't want to live without it. She agreed. It didn't take long for it to go downhill though. I have always blamed it on stress from work, money, tough pregnancies, etc. but I am not thinking that way anymore. I am feeling more bitter than anything, all-the-while keeping a smiling face on and trying my best.

I have tried for years to get her to see someone. She even admits that she probably should, but then she refuses. yes, she says she is fine too. I don't believe in giving ultimatums, but maybe that is what I need to do.... I don't know?

Wow, you are good. Yes, she was molested by her neighbor at age 6 or 7. Her and her twin sister both. She has never spoken to anyone professionally about it. What is interesting is that her sister sees a counselor and has a healthy sex life.... She should know that I would never make fun of her or shoot anything down. I have told her several of my fantasies and she has either had no comment or said "no way." I don't know if that intimidated her in any way....

Oh. Yeah, it is always hard when you only know one side of the story. I actually have asked her if she masturbates, and even tried to suggest that it is healthy to, but she steadfastly refused. Said she has no interest in it. Frankly, there is nothing I wouldn't do or try if she would just suggest anything. I have asked her is she has any fantasies at all or something she ever wants to try, but she says she is happy just doing it missionary. She has never let me titty fuck her and the last BJ I can honestly remember was about 6 years ago. Even then it was only for about a minute before she decided to stop. She has said that everytime I mention sex, it makes her want to do it less. I have tried not mentioning it and have gone over 6 months without anything at all from her. Then when I brought it up about how long it had been, she would tell me I'm wrong or that I'm rediculous. That it was maybe a month or so.... I am afraid that nothing is going to change, and I am going to get fed up and leave. I have even decided on a time limit, but then I think about the kids.....

thanks Toyqueen. That sounds like a good way of bringing it up. I just might try that. As for myself, I am already seeing a counselor. So far, so good. What you said about her sounding like you years ago is what bothers me. I don't want a divorce to be what opens her to other things. I really want to figure these things out with her, but it gets tougher all the time. I certainly will keep you posted.

Howard, thanks for the advice, but you are preaching to the choir. I am not worried about her giving less sex because it can't get much less. It's more about respect. Mine to her and hers to me. If she respects me enough, she will talk to the DR. If not, it lets me know where I stand. And, it would be more the attitude that I would have to deal with after.... I have tried to suggest mornings... or nooners when available but I always get shot down. I get more pleasure out of pleasuring her than anything else, but she never tells me that anything feels good. She never has fantasies and NEVER wants to try anything different. I have tried getting in the shower with her and she lets me soap her up, but that's as far as it goes. She rinses off and gets out. Dining room table? Nope. If it's not the bed or the couch, it's out. Toys? No way. She thinks they are disgusting.... I actually wanted to get a vasectomy before and she didn't want me to. I have one scheduled now, but she wants me to postpone it until this baby is born happy & healthy. I try to not put all the responsibility on her. I am hopeful though. She has seemed a little more open (in talking about it anyway) to trying something new when she feels up to it. We'll see