snakeman

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AN OLD MAN WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HIS GRANDSON. THE TODDLER WAS CRYING, AND AT TIMES, SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HIS LUNGS. AS THE OLD GENTLEMAN WALKED UP AND DOWN THE AISLES, PEOPLE COULD HEAR HIM SPEAKING IN A SOFT VOICE. "WE ARE ALMOST DONE, ALBERT, TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT. LIFE WILL GET BETTER, ALBERT." AS HE APPROACHED THE CHECKOUT STAND, HE CAREFULLY BRUSHED THE TODDLER'S TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAID AGAIN, "TRY NOT TO CRY, ALBERT. WE WILL BE HOME SOON, ALBERT." AS HE WAS PAYING THE CASHIER, THE TODDLER CONTINUED TO CRY AS A YOUNG WOMAN IN LINE BEHIND HIM SAID, "SIR, I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL HOW SWEET YOU ARE BEING TO YOUR LITTLE ALBERT." THE OLD GENTLEMAN BLINKED HIS EYES A COUPLE OF TIMES BEFORE SAYING: MY GRANDSON'S NAME IS JOHN. I'M ALBERT.

Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down a country road notices a man drinking from his pond, with his hand. The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have [crapped] in it.' The man shouts back: 'I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for Obama, I can't understand you. Please speak in English.' The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya'got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my moped." Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 6 seconds the speedometer reads 60mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped. He looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my goodness! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers.... Unhook ...my suspenders from your side-view mirror.

It looks like a White's Tree Frog, also known as the Smiling Tree Frog or Dumpy Tree Frog. Nice tat Froggystyle.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!

Ole is out on the farm plowing the back 40. Suddenly Ole needs to take a leak. He jumps off his tractor, drops his pants, and begins to relieve himself. Poor Ole....he doesn't realize that he's peeing on a hornets nest buried in the field. Suddenly Ole is surrounded by a swarm of angry, wet bee's and he gets stung multiple times right on his tallywacker. By golly, this really hurts, so Ole runs like the dickens to the farm house and calls the doctor. Ole says, "Hey Doc, I was just out back plowin ya know, when I had to pee and by golly I peed right on a hornets nest, and they stung me right on my junk, and she burns something terrible". "What can ya do to help me there Doc"? The Doctor replies, "Well now Ole, if I was you, I'd stick my tallywacker in a bowl of warm buttermilk". "It should relieve the swelling and stop the burning". That's what I'd do. So by now, Ole's unit is swollen up to un-believable proportions (we should all be so lucky). So he pours himself a bowl of buttermilk and lays his junk in the bowl. Enter Lena. Lena looks at Ole with his member laying in the buttermilk, she pauses for a moment, looks Ole squarely in the eye and says to him. "Ya know there Ole, we've been married for nearly 50 years now, and I never could figure out how you re-loaded that thing.

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived. "Hello? Hello?" she shouted. "Can anyone hear me? Hello?" For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, "Hello? Is anyone down there?" Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing, "Vote for Barack Obama! Vote for Barack Obama!" Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself and prayed. "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive!"

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?' The woman replies, 'It's Keith, the midget....'

We are going to Daytona Beach on Friday and coming back Monday. Oh yeah we are taking a bag full of toys with us.

This is an urgent appeal I received from a friend from high school. We urge you to help with this campaign. There are less than eight months until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States. The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans. To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we all came together, Democrats and Republicans alike. If you support the policies and character of John McCain, please drive with your headlights on during the day. If you support Obama or Hillary, please drive with your headlights off at night.

Whiskeywoman, Sorry about the snow. Pinky is right about NC it is a nice state. I live in SC it is very nice too. Pinky, I live 100 miles from you or $19.50 in gas. ThorsNymph, I will be going to Daytona Beach on the 23rd of this month.

My 2003 Kia Sorento 4WD

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts .. age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Beware of Imposters:

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection. The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?' The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?' She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her. Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. 'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man. 'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer. 'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer. The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked. 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.' 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.' With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. 'Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!! The woman chose to ignore her husbands comments Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. 'What's wrong?' he asks. She answers: 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?

Mrs.Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, Emerald bracelets, and a ruby pendant." The artist replied, "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," said Mrs. Johnson "but my health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelery

Today, while walking to the store in Daytona I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager. "Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?" "Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter: A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart ...Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins ? Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag, and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work? The surgeon paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered into the mechanics ear, "Try doing it with the engine running."