For over 3 years it was just a completely abusive relationship during which I recieved countless bruises, black eyes and fat lips, a broken toe, broken rip, and fractured thumb and it ended up with the Jackass kneeing me in the face until he had broken 3 bones in the right side of my face, I had surgery and now have 2 metal plates and 4 screws in the right side of my face. You'd never guess from seeing me and I'm slowly working through it. I do the same thing you did, I close my self off about it and have my own little world. The broken face happened in Sep. 07 and I didn't leave the Jackass till April 20, 08. I just started having nightmares about it after the last court date about 2 months ago and it's not fair, I thought I was free of him completely. My fiance knows a good bit about what did happen to me but not all the details. The sexual abuse wasn't severe but it happened enough to effect me and when I really start to think about it and face the facts I know it does still interfere with my life in some ways, this being one. Anal is a completely terrifying thing for me because I've had 2 ex's that were completely obsessed with it and when they got the chance for it they wouldn't stop. I think in time I could try it again, but it still scares me and makes me nervous. I know my fiance is a very different guy then them, he is a true man but I still can't help being skeptical about it. I'm contemplating showing my fiance what I've written and what I've gotten in response to everything on here and see what he thinks about it. I love him to death it's just hard to talk to him sometimes because he's not very open emotionally, but maybe this could be a break through. I truly think he just believe that I don't want anything different, I would never complain because he is amazing in bed (I just want it to be equal for him, so he's just as happy, I really don't know how he feels about anything) but I know it would be good for both of us and our relationship to do more in the bedroom.