I think it is impossible for any outsider to judge fairly what goes on between any man and woman with a long-term relationship like this one and especially a long-term relationship where both parties have aged and changed. Sex is NOT simple, however much we may wish it were. It can bring out both the best and the worst in us, sometimes both simultaneously. Self-esteem, self-image, weight loss, weight gain, aging, hormonal changes, attitude changes, trauma, fear, loss ... a woman who feels impotent sometimes will withhold sex from a partner because she feels it is the only thing she CAN control in her life. (The fact that this woman still masturbates but cannot do it with her husband may be an indication of serious control issues.) 'Love' can mean all sorts of things and a man can vow he loves his spouse and mean it sincerely, but that doesn't mean that his love is expressed always in a positive way. For a lot of men, control is a natural part of any relationship. We are only now coming into an era where girls grow up truly BELIEVING they are the equals of any man. Not so long ago, conjugal rights belonged only to the man. A woman was a chattel. Her body wasn't HERS, nor was anything else. She belonged first to her father and then to her husband. Thank God we live in a different era and women can change their own destinies. Obviously, in an ideal marriage or relationship, sex is a means of expressing love and sharing physical and emotional (even spiritual) satisfaction. Unfortunately, a 'healthy' attitude towards sex is not that easy to create or maintain for many. There was a time when I declared sexual compatability to be the most important foundation for any relationship, but I realise now that NO relationship can be reduced to that simple an equation. The idea that the husband hired a private detective to follow his wife is a little distressing. Jealousy and insecurity are not manifestations of love. That sort of act is one of control. It seems to me that there are far more serious problems here than sex. Lack of sexual intimacy between the two is an effect not a cause. BOTH partners need to address the root causes that have created a gulf of some kind between them. The women on this forum who have no problem whatsoever with sexual intimacy should count themselves blessed. Sadly, there are thousands of women (and men) in every culture who find sex threatening, daunting and sometimes even impossible. The woman who cannot express sexual affection towards the most important person in her life may deserve compassion as much as the man who is suffering from her inability to touch him.