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My wife and I have been together for nearly 11 years and she's currently away doing some internships. She'll be gone for a total of 8 weeks. This time period, once completed, will be the longest we've ever been apart from each other, even before we were married. We still talk every night and more than not we video chat. I told her that since we're going to be apart for such a long time that she's gonna have to give me some naked time. She agreed that she could do that, but if I know her, and I do, it means that she'll just sit naked a talk to me. Nothing too exciting about that. I then asked if there were any chance she would masturbate for me, give me a show of some kind. Her response, "No." Then everytime I tried to explain that it would be good for us, something new and exciting that we've never done before, something that could help the marriage and our love life grow, every time the answer was short and sweet, "No." "Nope." She's never masturbated. She says she doesn't have to since she has me. Plus she has a pretty low sex drive. The only time she ever touches herself is where we're having sex. She'll rub her clitoris like crazy then, but never any time else.

Do I have any options here? She's only been gone a week but it's already been 5 weeks since the last time we made love and I won't see her for another 7 weeks unless we meet on a weekend sometime earlier. This is already the longest we've gone without having sex since before we were virgins. Before she left we did what she wanted to do - have a couple of dates, go shopping, spent one day all day in bed being lazy, but we didn't do what I wanted to do... have a day of passion and love making. Just one day of on and off love making. That's not too much to ask for when you know you won't see your wife for 8 weeks, is it? I asked her when she's happiest in our marriage, she responded with "Lazy Sundays." She didn't even ask me when I'm happiest -- by the way it's when we're having sex on a regular basis, at least once a week. We started the year great then her clinic rotation hours turned into all-nighters for 4 weeks straight and sex was out of the question b/c she was exhausted. I was okay with that. I complained about it, but I realized that's all I could do was complain that she was being worked too hard.

I'd do anything to make her happy but most of the time I don't get that feeling from her. Since we're apart using the web cams is my only option. I've sent her some articles about masturbation etc, begging her to read them and to be open about it. I know I can't force her to do anything she doesn't want to do or feel comfortable doing but there's got to be some sort of compromise here. We argued the day she left because she wasn't meeting me half way. What should I do?


Update: I learned tonight the reason she won't masturbate is because she's not comfortable with her own body. I guess she never really has been, but after years of being with me she's learned to overlook it, b/c I love her body. So how I can teach her to be comfortable in her own skin?

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. . . there's got to be some sort of compromise here. . . .

Yeah, quit asking her to masturbate, and she'll quit saying "nope."

Sorry, that's a wise-guy answer, but I couldn't resist. More seriously, I think the reality is that if she doesn't want to masturbate for you, there's probably not much you can do to get her to. Especially if you've already fought about it; she'll just dig her heals in deeper the more you push the issue.

Can you meet during a weekend or two while she's away?

On one hand, in the big scheme of things, eight weeks is not so very long. It is nothing compared to when one spouse deploys to a war zone for a year or more. (During WWII, my wife's granny saw her husband one time in the six years that he was off with the Navy.)

On the other hand, you've mentioned her low sex drive, and that for four weeks leading up to this seperation she was too exhausted for intimacy. In another thread (Losing the Passion and Attraciton) you mentioned lack-of-sex issues, plus "... she wants a family and has decided that's she waited long enough."

If she is too tired or not in the mood much now, and planning to become a doctor and bread-winner, having kids is not going to improve that situation one bit. You need to think long and hard about what you can realistically expect and what you are willing to accept, before you bring rug-rats into the world. Or you risk becoming another in a long string of grouchy, sex-starved husbands/fathers who snaps at his kids over minor infractions because he is angry at his wife. You mentioned in the other thread that counseling might help but you can't afford it. If you can afford kids (trust me, they ain't cheap), you cannot afford not to tackle this bear before bringing those kids into the world. Talking is fine, swell, and wonderful, but if it is not resolving your issues, I think you need to consider the counseling option. And maybe more than one counselor if the first one isn't a good fit.

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She's uncomfortable with the outward suggestion. I would have been too. I think you have to get her to do it without an overt request....

Talk to her via the webcam or skype... The first time you do just be thrilled to see her beautiful face again, the next time........ You have to seduce her into it. A little at a time; piece by piece. so she doesn't realize what she's doing until she's well on her way. Do you understand? You may be wise to take it very slow pushing the envelope a little more each time. B)

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You may be wise to take it very slow pushing the envelope a little more each time.

I understand and I've already thought about moving slow. I think anything may have to wait until we see each other in a few weeks to try anything. I'm okay with that but it may be hard b/c I'm going to want to rip her clothes off as soon as I see her. I'll have to exercise restraint, which, more than likely, could make for much more interesting and enjoyable sex.

Sqaure, I already know what I've gotten into. I've known from the beginning what she's like and what her sex drive is like. I've accepted it. She's the one I want to spend the rest of days with and the one I want to have children with. However, it doesn't mean that I'm going to sit idly by and do absolutely nothing about it. The only way to grow as a couple is to keep learning and experiencing new and exciting things. This is just one of those things that I'd like to experience with her. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to change who she is, just open her eyes to new things. I've done it in the past and there are things we do now that we never did the first 5 years when were together. After all, we're still young... not even in our 30s yet and she has yet to reach her sexual peak. We have our whole lives in front of us. I'm patient, and the older I get the more patient I've become. This is just another hurdle but it doesn't mean I can't ask for some outside advice from others who may have been in the same situation once before.

Thank you for the feedback.

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