The Pill And Libido

[SensualWoman]

I have been on The Pill for a few years straight now, and the same brand. I do get horny, and when I do, it is intense, however I am not mentally in the mood very much. In fact, I would say that only 50% of the times that sex is involved am I actually in the mood mentally. I try to just go forward with sex and hope that I will mentally get into it. However, as I'm sure there are people on here who have done this, sex gets boring when there is no mental stimulation. I LOVE sex, and anything to do with sex, but I can't seem to enjoy sex as much as I used to when I first started. This might not be a pill problem, but I'm not on any other medications. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[Mikayla1]

OK, let me get some clarification here:

You say you get horny, but you are not 'mentally' interested in sex? What do you mean by that? Your body tingles and you have that 'aroused' state but you mentally don't care if you have sex? Is it the redunancy of the way you are HAVING sex? The pattern, as it were, of events?

Has your desire for sex in general gone down? Do you not think about sex at all? How do you differentiate between horniness and mental libido?

If I may, how old are you: 20-30; 30-40; 40-50? Are you physically fit? Do you have a strong mental and physical attraction to your partner?

IF you get me these answers perhaps I can address the issue better!

[hyokahey]

I'd like to reply too, but will second Mikayla's questions.

[leslieanne]

Excellent questions! Would add one more - when did the lack of "mental desire" start?

[SensualWoman]

Wow, I never thought of those questions... Let me see: I physically get aroused, (engorging labia and clit, heart rate goes up, all that jazz) and a little mentally in the mood, but as soon as foreplay starts, the interest just goes away. I am 20, and haven't gotten totally fit yet, a few pounds over-weight. Although now that I think about it: when my hubby and I were working out a lot, there was lots of sex. But I have been getting in shape again, and that hasn't really changed much. The physical attraction to my hubby is there, it's just a little hard with his belly to get into things the way I like it. Meaning positions sometimes can't work, or there is a.....slapping sound. Which bothers both of us. (He isn't working at changing that... I finally just got him to stop eating fast food after almost four years. )

But that was there when we first started having sex, and it didn't bother me. However a year or so later, my boobs started really hurting, my mood swings were worse and my general interest in sex dwindled. I talked to my doc at that time and she said that the sore breasts, mood swings, and possible low libido were normal.

The sex is really vanilla, and because it hurts at first, we have to start really slow, which is a bit of a mood killer, especially during more passionate times. (We can start with a whole bottle of lube on him and in me and nothing helps. If it can help with the pain, we have done it) I have talked to my hubby about bringing more passion into the bedroom, and to look at tantric ways of making-love, and even reading on the articles on here and reading "How to" sex books. Nothing seems to get him to do things differently. So that might be the underlying issue now that I think more into it.

I did tell him that I would work on initiating the sex, since I never do. I am the kind of person who finds it more of a turn on for him to start things, but it can't always happen like that.

And to answer that last question: It started about three-four months ago. My drive was less than I would have liked before, and then it just kept getting lower. Sex is always the same. We go into the bedroom/we take clothes off/I get onto bed/he kisses a little here and there then gets straight to oral(but not till orgasm, as it takes for freaking ever to go for me)/then I give him a little oral/he starts going in me/then missionary for a bit/perhaps a little doggy/then done. I have bowel issues, so sometimes we can only do it in one position, as it is EXTREMELY painful to do any others. No props, I don't feel comfortable enough in lingere to stay in the mood.

The more and more I think about these answers the more I am thinking that it is less of a B.C issue... Oh, and we talk about everything a lot. I have mentioned my needs to him before with no avail. Or he tries something that I asked and it is just too hard with his size (more his height than his width for most things)

That is a lot of info... I hope that it helps!

[Mikayla1]

OK: so, you physically get aroused and you notice the signs of it, so that is good. If you were not having the physical signs of arousal then the 'issue' might be more concerning. When you say you are only 'a little mentally' in the mood, do you mean that you can take it or leave it? Like, your mind is other places besides having sex?

Unless you are severely overweight, the 'slapping sound' is not because of 'fat' hitting each other (I assume) as there is a natural slapping sound that occurs during sex many times. So, my question is this, and please do not take offense:

Your husband, you love and want to be with.....but his belly bothers you. You may not even know that it bothers you, but I believe that it probably does. You might just be less attracted to him and when you start the foreplay process your mind and emotional connection is not strong enough to overcome the physical attraction portion. You are 20 years old, and have not been married too long, so you don't have the 'length of connection' to look past physical differences. It might even be subconscious. Or, it could be that you WANT him to change and he doesn't want to, and that bothers you. Either way, I think it may factor in.

Also, exercise is a natural libido booster! When we exercise the hormones and adrenaline in our bodies make us horny! Just sayin' - so maybe keep up with the working out - it can't hurt either of you, and if you do it together, it might be great.

As for your physical issues: boob tenderness, mood swings, libido loss - this can be a hormonal or a pill issue. The pill does contain hormones. Let's go through the rest to see what else I pick up on first.

Vanilla sex? Is this a problem? Do you want more aggressive sex? More positions? Explain this.

Why does it hurt at first? Tenderness or PAIN? Has this always been the case? Are you fully aroused before you begin? Using lube is OK, but a whole bottle? And it still hurts? Explain this pain, please. I think his lack of willingness to experiment with you may be a VERY large issue here. Perhaps you are looking for him to put more into the relationship in general, and when he doesn't, it makes you feel like he doesn't value you in that way. Perhaps some counseling or extended discussions on this might be necessary.

While I understand the compulsion to NOT initiate sex, espcially if you love it when he does, you have to remember that men like to feel desired too. Men like to know that YOU want them too. Try to initiate a few times too - find personal power in seducing him - you may find that you get off on that just as well.

I am seeing more 'psychological' issues than anything else. You seem to have 'body' or self esteem issues (as you mention the lingerie thing) and some physical issues (bowel problems? want to explain that?) I think you may feel less secure in the bedroom and as a result, are not truly 'present' in the moment. This can also be transferring to your HB, who may feel like he can't turn you on.

I think that this is less of a hormonal / pill issue and more of a 'figuring out' things issue. Your sex seems to be....redundant in style and order. So, maybe you make it a point to try something completely new. Such as masturbating for him or he for you. This can be EXTREMELY satisfying visually for the man, and a huge empowerment for you. Or, masturbation sessions together. No penetration, just lie next to each other and you stroke him; and he you. Try different positions. There are many more that should work for you, regardless of size. Try lingerie. Every woman has at least one 'asset' - if it is your boobs, get a longer chemise with a busty top. IF it is your legs, get a low cut one. Find what YOU think is sexy and you and highlight it.

I think that communicating all this here is extremely important - you are finding your own answers a bit, right? Discovering what is really the root of some of the issues. Let me think some more and I may add some more ideas, but I hope this helps!

[SensualWoman]

That is very helpful. As I was writing my answers down last night, I realized quite a few things that was rooting the problems I was having. So I talked with my hubby again, just with more "oomf" to have him understand that variety is needed. He pointed out that I wasn't realizing that it was me as well as him that was not doing their part. So we talked about it and have come with an agreement to get more passion and liveliness back into the bedroom.

The belly thing has always been there, but only recently has it really bothered me. Physical attraction is there, especially his arms. His arms alone can get me hard-core in the bed. Although I can see that the time spent with him isn't long enough to be utterly attracted to him. I love him so much that I want to please him to the utmost of my ability. And I am the kind of person that doesn't see that the other person is doing what I asked, only that they aren't doing other things, or that they arn't doing it the "way I would do it". So yes, very much so a figuring out thing, not really a pill thing.

What I mean by less vanilla is: More of everything. Positions, props, different ways of initiating sex, variation in foreplay. I did talk to my HB about this, and he agreed and said that he was needing the same thing. So that has been taken care of. Well, at least we will know when this monthly moon flow goes away.

And pain during the begining. Hmmmm. basically it is a ripping feeling. We don't literately use a whole bottle, but there are times where we have used a lot. I can be aroused and ready and have orgasmed three or more times and still the pain is there. But only at the entering part, then after his whole member is in, we can start thrusting and there is no more pain. The bowel thing is that... Well... How to explain this... My movements, once in the bowels, don't really move for a bit. So basically they just sit there for about 12 hours. I have always had this issue. But this has hindered sex. The bowels and the vagina are so close together that you can feel the stool just by putting your finger against the wall that separates them. So during sex, the stool is pushed back on by HB's penis. Lets just say that it hurts LIKE HELL. So, this stops deep penetration and any positions that encourage it. I love and get most pleasure from DP, so I don't get as much pleasure when we are only doing shallow thrusting. I don't think there is anything that can be done for either of these things. So we just work with what we got. There is one position that we have found that we can use during these times, and it is the best one I have found for g-spot rubbing. (Now I'm hot just thinking about it.)

I was thinking last night that lack of confidence is hindering my wanting to be seen naked or even half naked. I love wearing lingere, but I don't. I feel and see where the fat is hanging out. My boobs are my best asset, but I can't wear bodices or corsets because the fat under my arms bulges out. Lets just say that the sexual and self confidence goes out the window when I see this. I can't stay aroused when I am frustrated and uncomfortable. Thus the loosing of weight that I have been doing. So that is in the works. I also have connection issues, which has done a number on our love-making. When I am only a little bit mentally aroused, I can either have sex or not. If I do, I get bored though. So I base the decision on how much my HB wants to do it. However, this was also talked about last night, so that much is being taken care of. I am going to start focusing on wanting him. And we are going to get lingere that I feel confident in. I wasn't raised to think that I was good looking, or skinny enough. So even though I was only 118 pounds, I still felt fat, and was never really told that I was "thin". So that is the root of my confidence problem.

Wow, just talking about it has helped me to see where the real problems are... Being asked questions that I never thought of has helped so much! Thank you! It is not just him that needs to change, I need to work on a lot myself. I didn't know until he told me of course though. He is a man. Nuff said. Took two years of asking what he needed and wanted to get him to tell me.

[LilGreenPuffer]

I'm also on the chubby side, but I've had pretty flattering compliments from men on my lingerie photos (another forum). Your husband probably will think even more of you. Maybe his reaction to seeing you in a sexy bustier will make you feel more confident! You don't even have to check the mirror. Just put it on and show him (maybe by getting home before he does and sitting yourself down on the kitchen table and surprising him when he walks in?).

[ilovebabyjada]

I'm also on the chubby side, but I've had pretty flattering compliments from men on my lingerie photos (another forum). Your husband probably will think even more of you. Maybe his reaction to seeing you in a sexy bustier will make you feel more confident! You don't even have to check the mirror. Just put it on and show him (maybe by getting home before he does and sitting yourself down on the kitchen table and surprising him when he walks in?).

haha! YES! i agree 100%.. i'm about 50+ pounds overweight.. and i have a nun outfit and a red sexy top that i LOVE and i must say.. he LOVES them. big self esteem boost too

[leslieanne]

Sensual woman - As always Mikayla's advice, insights and recommendations are wonderful!!

Given your comments about pain with penetration and your bowel "issues" it sounds as if you may subconsciously be having difficulty initally relaxing the muscles of the rectum/vagina. The other aspect of your bowel "issues" maybe the consistancy of your stool. I would recommend that you either increase the amount of fiber in your diet (more vegies) or start using a fiber laxative once a day. In addition you can actually work on consciously relaxing the muscles of your vagina so penetration is not so painful. This can be done by placing 2 fingers in your vagina and slowly pushing backwards towards your rectum - don't push so far as to cause pain, stop when it first starts to become uncomfortable. At that point try to consciously relax your muscles. Don't get upset if you aren't able to do it at first - it takes time and practice. I typically recommend to my patients that have this problem to do this daily for at least a few weeks.

[Mikayla1]

I am so glad that Leslieann came on to answer this question too - especially about the bowels, cause I was lost! It is great to have a professional lending a hand here!

[SensualWoman]

Sensual woman - As always Mikayla's advice, insights and recommendations are wonderful!!

Given your comments about pain with penetration and your bowel "issues" it sounds as if you may subconsciously be having difficulty initally relaxing the muscles of the rectum/vagina. The other aspect of your bowel "issues" maybe the consistancy of your stool. I would recommend that you either increase the amount of fiber in your diet (more vegies) or start using a fiber laxative once a day. In addition you can actually work on consciously relaxing the muscles of your vagina so penetration is not so painful. This can be done by placing 2 fingers in your vagina and slowly pushing backwards towards your rectum - don't push so far as to cause pain, stop when it first starts to become uncomfortable. At that point try to consciously relax your muscles. Don't get upset if you aren't able to do it at first - it takes time and practice. I typically recommend to my patients that have this problem to do this daily for at least a few weeks.

Thank you very much! Like Mikayla1 said, I am so glad that we have a Doc on here. My Doc recommended the same thing, but she didn't tell me a specific period of time to try it. My HB did do that for a little while, but I found that it didn't do much to help, so he didn't feel the need to do it. Which isn't his fault as I wasn't asking him to do it anymore. I have tried working on consciously relaxing my vaginal muscles, but it just seems to work on the first half of the vaginal muscles... Which does help a lot, but still is a little frustrating, so I give up before even getting half way there.

I have been trying to find a happy medium with my fiber intake. Either I'm having too much, and I am having too many bathroom visits or I'm not having enough. Basically it is a working progress. And I have been letting it get to me when I should just keep being patient. Just letting out my issues on here has got me thinking a whole lot, and talking a whole lot with my HB, who is the most patient and understanding man I know. We have worked out a whole lot over the past few days and I'd say that the problems are fixed or are being worked on.

We got a new baby-doll outfit today, (something more comfortable and let maintance to get put on. And something that I feel comfortable in) And I must say that it is really cute. He does love my corsets a lot, and doesn't notice the bit of fat bulging, but I need to work on my self confidence and work out/loose weight to gain some more. Every little ounce that I loose is a little more confidence. Thank you very much for the advice and help, because it is being put to use.