A Little Help?

[lovelikelightning]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about a year. We are very much in love. I'm 25 and she's 24. We're both physically fit, though she's the type that stresses out when she balloons from her usual 120 lbs to a staggering 125 (I hope my hyperbole doesn't offend anyone, I personally think she looks better with a little more meat on her bones). Our sex life is complicated. On one hand, we are not having sex as often as I'd like or as she says she'd like; on the other hand, when we do have sex it is always terrific. It is more intense, intimate, and delightfully filthy than I've ever experienced with anyone else, and she has said that she feels the same way. That said, we have sex (or do anything of a sexual nature) about once every week and a half or two weeks. My libido is very high. In an ideal world I would engage in some sort of sexual activity (preferably not alone) several times a day. So it stands to reason that it is my lovely girlfriend who is experiencing the libido-recession which results in us having sex less and less often.

Now, in the grand scheme of things a year is not an awful long time to have been together, and in all fairness there are plenty of contributing factors to her loss of sex-drive. I live in an apartment with a roommate, but she lives with her parents. My roommate doesn't get in the way, but when we're at her place she has said that it's difficult for her to get "in the mood" when she knows her mother is just a few rooms over. I'm obviously undeterred and wouldn't care if my own mother was right outside the door as long as I was fairly certain she wouldn't barge in, but I can understand why she has trouble with it. The reason that she doesn't move out is that it is cost effective to take advantage of rent free living while she is going back to school to become a teacher. School is stressful and time consuming, so of course I understand how that must have a dampening effect on her mood. Another factor which complicates things is that she is aware of how much I desire sex, it is one of the things which attracted her to me in the first place as she had heard from a mutual friend that I was a "sex addict," (I'm not, I just like sex a lot). She has since hinted that she doesn't quite believe that I enjoy sex as much as I purport to because of the fact that I don't hassle her about sex. I make it a point not to complain about how little it happens, as it seems to me that doing so would only make her feel pressured, and sex would become a responsibility for her. I would feel awful if I suspected that I guilted her into having sex with me. Unfortunately, despite the way I've tried to handle things, I suspect that she is either intimidated by my high sex drive or resentful of it, which would be another obstacle.

Outside of our sex life, there's plenty of other life, and I might sound like I'm tooting my own horn with what's next but there's a point to it all, I swear! I'm pretty close to perfect as far as boyfriends go. I'm supportive like woah. I mentioned that she's in college, well I proofread and edit all of her papers (she's an artist, writing isn't her strong suit), and I mean all of them. My desktop is cluttered with her rough drafts and my revised copies. I know that she's a struggling student so I try to help her financially however I can. Nothing so huge as to make her uncomfortable, but I'll fill her gas tank or buy groceries for her whenever I can. I don't skimp on romance either, for example: she has a burgeoning interest in gardening, so for christmas I got her a 600 square foot garden plot at a local community college and grew all of her plants from seeds in my apartment. We worked out there together to plant corn, squash, pumpkins, sunflowers, cucumbers, tomatoes etc. and we mulched the whole plot and the plants are thriving. I took her out there for a picnic last week, the night she finished her first summer class and I made all the food so that it would be ready when she got out (I knew she'd be hungry). Just last night she made herself a late dinner after returning from class and I knew that she had errands to do later so while she ate I washed all of her dishes so that she would have more time. These are just examples, I could list more but this is already far too long. I know it sounds like I'm bragging now, but I don't call attention to these things when I do them, the point isn't to make her aware of how great of a boyfriend I am, the point is just to make her life easier and more special because I love her.

So here's where I need help and it's probably stupid, but I'm worried and though she and I can discuss these things I don't want to do it too much lest she should feel badgered: I worry that in being exceptionally supportive I'm somehow turning her off. Could that happen? Is it possible that she sees my kindness as sort of pathetic in some way or something? This insecurity has its roots but this is long enough and we don't need to get into that. Thank you so much for reading all of this to whoever gets to the end. Any thoughts you have would be helpful.

[Kace]

When my then wife-to-be was still in graduate school I was in much the same position as you are now. School is a stressful time and can diminish sexual response. Mismatched libido is a pretty common problem to have and something that can be sorted out. Fortunately, one of the best ways to beat stress and relax is - sex. Find an evening when she doesn't have something due the next day and draw her a bath, offer a massage, do a mini-spa night for her. Let her know that the evening is about her and not about you wanting to jump her bones. (Even if you do!) Women are more receptive to sex when they are relaxed and don't feel pulled in multiple directions.

You guys have only been together for a year - it's normal for the frequency to die down a bit as you both fall into routines. You'll need to talk about it, preferably NOT right before or during sex. You are correct in being cautious about making it sound like a demand or requirement. That would be a huge turnoff for her and then for you as you'll wonder if she's really enjoying herself or performing out of obligation. Instead, phrase it in terms that ask her what she feels about the situation. "What do you think about our sex life?" "What could make it better for you?" "Are you happy with how often we get to bed?" This will draw her into a conversation where the natural tendency is for her to ask you the same questions, then discuss where to go from there. It's not always a pleasant conversation but it's necessary. If a mismatched libido is bothering you this early, imagine what it would be like 5, 10, 25 years down the road when you're married and the rift has grown even more? Knock it out early.

[Mikayla1]

Welcome Triple L!

Well, it certainly seems like you are a wonderful person - and she, I assume, equally as wonderful. It also appears as though you have a pretty good line of communication and are comfortable talking with one another. In this regard, you are certainly further along than most established couples are - so congratulations to you both.

Now, having a difference in libido is not uncommon - and in fact, is one of the biggest forms of marital dicontent. Also, it is usual that the woman is the one with the lower libido (but not always, wait until she hits 30!) However, I wouldn't say she has a 'low' libido - as sex once a week is about average for most couples, give or take a few days. You seem like an intelligent guy, I am sure you realize that for women sex is more about a whole scenario than just an 'act' or a 'release.' Meaning, if she is under stress, can't feel completely 'relaxed' to to her and your roomate situations, then it is probably not as easy for her to 'get in the mood' as she would like. You indicate that when you do have sex it is wonderfully intimate, exciting and 'delightfully filthy' (a phrase I LOVE, by the way) so it seems as if the quality of the sex is very good! Not to poke fun at your situation, but there are so many men who would LOVE to have sex like that even once a month!

Do I think that you being overly supportive is turning her off? No, not at all. I am sure your nurturing of her makes her feel loved and comforted. I am sure that it is in no way pathetic and that she views you as 'a really nice guy' and I don't mean that in a bad way at all. I honestly believe it is more of a stress thing than anything. If she is in school - that is stressful. If she lives with the Ps - also stressful - especially when you want to have delighfully filthy sex! I think that if she were to have a more private place to exude her sexual side there would be more sex.

I say, since you love her, just give her a little space. Continue being the good BF and loving her. Then, every once in a while broach the subject of desiring more intimate time between the two of you. Try to find more private times to be together. In the meantime, celebrate the fact that you seem to have a really solid relationship built on love, intimacy, trust, comfort and, to add to it, you have good sex! You are a lucky man!

I hope that helped.

[WendyNY]

Well "Lovelikelightning ", you sound like you are just about PERFECT !

Awesome person and wonderful boyfriend.

It sounds like your girlfriend is definitely under a LOT of stress.

WOMEN + STRESS = LITTLE TO NO SEXUAL DESIRE.

However, what immediately came to my mind after I read this,

wasn't so much about her lack of sexual desire as her "taking you for granted" was.

Yes, I've been guilty of this also.

Maybe that's why it's what came to my mind first.

I know you want to "help" her.

There aren't too many people who would go out of their way like that.

I see a lot of similarities between her and myself though.

I wasn't a strong student either. My parents were both teachers.

My mother,trying to be helpful( and THANK GOD for her or I may never have graduated !)

was forever redoing my papers, rewriting them and proofreading them.

I'm thinking that MAYBE when you do this,

you are making your girlfriend think that she's not "smart" enough

and that even though you're being "helpful" she may be subconciously thinking

that you're being "critical" of her. (I know that's how I grew up feeling)

I am going to suggest that even though you want to "help" her,

just back off a bit and let her do it on her own. (let her struggle just a bit)

You can make suggestions but don't do as much as you have been.

It sounds like she is "TAKING YOU FOR GRANTED".

She's now used to having you do so much for her.

I took my husband for granted too.

My husband wasn't big on "communication" so his way

of showing me he loved me was to do TONS of things for me---little things, "practical" things.

I've been guilty of being selfish and taking him for granted.

Now as far as the sex goes. I do agree with the other posts.

Having her parents anywhere near the two of you is not

going to make for a great relaxing sexual time.

That also goes for your roommate.

Even though they may be out for a bit, she might be thinking

they're going to come back at any time.

Her age might have something to do with it also.

(This isn't true of ALL women as each women's sexual desire varies)

It sounds like when you do have sex it's AWESOME.

You are both young and haven't been together too long.

You mentioned some insecurities you have and maybe that's why you tend to

want to help her so much. I don't think she's seeing your kindness as "pathetic".

I think she's just expecting it now and not really appreciating it as much as she should.

Don't change the way you are, just lighten up a bit.

(I am a bit like you and like to "help" also)

Good luck. You sound like a wonderful, sweet person.

[lovelikelightning]

Thank you all for the advice and support. Reading over my own post it's clear to me now that I outlined a pretty good explanation for our mismatched sex drives at present. Obviously the stress from school and living with her parents and other factors is more than enough to diminish her libido somewhat and I should feel fortunate that we are able to make time for sexual intimacy as often as we do. I think I was just having trouble because I wouldn't react in the way that she does to all of that stress, and so I was looking for some other explanation to help me understand. It's just frustrating to think about sex so often when your partner is not. But these things ebb and flow, and with any luck I'll get to go through plenty more dry spells and monsoons with her. She really is wonderful, and we have a great time together no matter what. Thank you for giving me a place to talk about our situation. And again, thank you all for your advice. And an extra-special thank you to Mikayla, as I've read your articles and posts for some time now and have greatly enjoyed and appreciated them, so to see that you responded to my post was pretty cool. Thanks!

[Mikayla1]

Awww, shucks sir, you make me feel like a rock star or something!

Glad you enjoy the articles and so glad you are here to share and talk!