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A Mixed Bag Of Emotions. (A Follow Up Post.)


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Hey, it's been a while... for those of you who followed my previous posts, thanks for all your advice and such.

If you wanted an update or to be brought up to speed in general, well... *sigh* last october during our close together birthdays we had a long, lovely visit we had together, which included a night at a wonderful restuarant, then in a fancy hotel with a luxurious bed and large jacuzzi tub in the room and sexy costume & lingerie for me... and a... very well meant, but very poorly executed first attempt at me trying anal stuff on him.

He wasn't able to relax, which got me worried, so I wasn't relaxed... xD he said all it did was make him feel like he needed to use the restroom... yeah. Not... exactly the evening I'd hoped for. We cuddled in the tub, then in the bed, and he said it was still a really great birthday.

...Then in november, we started fighting, because he kept flirting with a friend of his in front of me, and I knew they were just playing around, but it annoyed the hell out of me, and I blew up at him. More than once. Especially when he kept singing her praises to me.

...In December, he told me he didn't love me anymore, that he just cared for me as a friend, and that he wanted to date other women because he'd come attracted to them. He felt that, if he was attracted to them, it meant we were not meant to be. I was stunned, sorrowful, devastated, PISSED, devestated, and then indignant.

I called him out on it, saying that if he couldn't reign in his wandering eyes, it was not MY FAULT. If he wanted to break up with me after two years of passion, fine, but it was a pretty crappy of him just because he happened to think "Ooh, she's cute..." about someone else.

He...surprisingly agreed with me. After listening to everything I had to say, he broke down in tears and apologized for hurting me. I didn't accept him back right away, though, we were both emotional and tired and nostalgic about our time together. It wasn't a good time to make a decision. We spent a few really awkward weeks talking through our issues for hours, hanging out as friends, flirting now and then. We got back together before Valentine's day. Last month, we had another visit, and found that there's just as much sexual chemistry between us as there ever was, and he's still madly in love with me...

... just like I always believed he was. However, I'm... still scared. I trusted him pretty deeply. I communicated honestly and openly with him. I put my heart and soul into the things I do for him. I'm not bragging, I really have been -very- selfless in our relationship. And that's not a complaint! It makes me happy. But to have shown him so much love, so much of me, and let him get so deep into my heart, and to know he could and DID walk away, and say I was nothing more than a friend, to tell -other people- I was nothing more than a friend, and to start chasing other girls, briefly though it was... it really broke me.

So I'm still dealing with that. We've been together a total of 2 and a half years, now, though.

Also, I've made suggestions, but... he's still not really that interested. Hasn't tried oral on me, (in spite of countless bjs he's gotten from me, and he admits to feeling he -really- owes me,) is incredibly squeamish about the offers -I've- made for him to try any anal stuff on me... (well, I've offered one thing. xD I'd... like to know what it feels like for him to be in there, and I already know I can handle it...) his response was "can't we just, I dunno, use a toy there or something?"

... .... So, now he's finally more open to toys. Great! ... Except I... did not want to use them as excuse -not- to have that kind of physical intimacy, just to enhance it. >.>; But at least he's fine with me using them during our playtime. Only... he still feels guilty about it. <_< Because he'd rather... do it himself...

xD Yeah... I dunno, it seems like backwards logic when I'm -asking- him to do something -without- toys and he's trying to get out of it, but would rather not have them if we can do it without them, which we -could- if he would allow it. xD

So I'm... frustrated. In all senses of the word. Still haven't had another orgasm in about a year and a half, which would maintain my lifetime count at exactly: 1.

...He's also mentioned, more than once, that he's into seeing two girls have a go at each other and wouldn't mind if I did that around him. -.-' I... do not know what to feel about that.

A few thoughts come to mind at once. The part of me that just gets its kicks from pleasuring him is almost interested, but... it's kind of willing to jump at -anything- that would turn him on or make a climax better. (That would be the part of me that gives great bjs. xD So long as every other part of me shuts up, I'm... quite effective.) The part of me that would like to -be- pleased has already thought, "well, hell, if I -found- a girl who'd agree, maybe -she- would be willing to do the things on me that he hasn't..." the jealous / insecure / emotionally wounded side of me remembers the time I mentioned a girl hitting on me and he asked "was she hot?" ... and is kind of pissed at the idea that he'd want more eye candy in bed.

And the rest of me continues to stamp its foot and irritably remind me that I am -not lesbian- or bi. I'm open minded and I was once bi-curious, so it wouldn't -bother- me. Pleasure is pleasure, but I'm not into women and I am... kind of a possessive person.
Not so much that our long-distance relationship ever worried me until he started OPENLY flirting with other women in front of me... (and two years is a long time to trust someone implicitly) but enough that I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable in a three-way relationship. And even if she was a one-night stand...I'm not into casual sex. Even if the third party is just there to make it kinky.

...So, yeah. It... kinda sucks being me sometimes. ^^;

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You sound fine LB. I think it sucks to be him. He's stuck with himself, but you can move on. Don't give him the power to drag you down. I like RG's advice. You need to be with a person who appreciates you.

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Here's the thing that you have to try to understand: if you're making all of the efforts, suggestions, and doing all the work in the relationship, in & out of the bedroom, then it can't be a true relationship. He sounds very selfish, not ready to commit, and wants to have some fun. in any relationship, anyone can just up and leave. Though it's scary, it's true. Whether you're dating, married, have kids, or whatever the case, anyone can just decide one day to leave. What makes relationships really stay true is a mutual love AND respect for each other. Being friends, laughing, sharing the same sorts of moral codes and beliefs, and WANTING to be together.

From what you've said here, he's just having his cake and eating it too. He knows you love him, and he's comfortable where he is. He doesn't have to make much of an effort, and he will continue to be one-sided. He hasn't shown signs of changing, right? But if these questions bother you, keep you up at night, question his every move, comment, gesture, and the times he's away from you, it's not healthy to obsess about this.

Another thing to remember, everyone LOOKS. Even in full committed relationships, you may find one person that you're sexually attracted too. It happens. One can chose to stay or act on their lust. Staying true to your love is what's most important. But,if a guy tells you he DOESN'T look, he's most likely lying. Women look too. Humans appreciate pretty things, people, ect. They LOOK. It doesn't make anyone a bad person or that they don't truly love the one they're with.

Ever watch the movie "He's Just Not Into You"? If not, watch it. It's very informative & humorous at the same time.

As far as the orgasms (or lack of them), you're stressed out, overthinking things, and not fully comfortable with the person you're having sex with, it's almost impossible for you to HAVE an orgasm! Women are awesome, we're beautiful, and strong. However, the way our brains are wired, if we're not feeling close to the person we're with, or overthinking things at the time, we can't enjoy it fully. If you had an orgasm a year and a half ago, then I would say that that was the last time you felt comfortable with this man.

I hope things work out for you, whichever you choose. However, I agree with the previous posters. Too much drama for you to put up with!

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