advise Dating Advise

[Aletta]

Hi All,

   Some of you may have seen my introduction post but figured I'd post in the Dating and Relationships forum LOL

I'm a 25 yr old female who hasn't been in a serious, long term relationship. I've dated here and there but never in a relationship longer than a month. I'm a virgin but the physical aspect of a relationship isn't what's stopping me it's the emotional side. I'm afraid of being emotionally hurt by someone and I'm also afraid of becoming emotionally dependent on someone. I often find myself thinking the relationship won't work for no reason at all. I also don't think of myself as very attractive, not that I think I'm bad looking just average I'm not thin but I'm not heavy either.

It's because of this that I don't think guys have hit on me or have flirt with me. Though they probably have and it's just gone over my head. A guy would have to literally say I find you attractive and would like to take you out but I would assume he's just trying to get into my pants and turn him down. I'm not confident enough to ask a guy out myself. This side of myself is such a mystery to me because when I'm with friends or family I'm very outgoing and willing to try new things and have fun. But in relationships I'm doubtful and scared to put myself out there.

I believe this stems from my family life. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it wasn't a friendly divorce. It involved a lot of fighting and emotional pain. I gained a lot of weight at this time and my sisters were all out living on their own ( I have 3 sisters 9,10, and 12 years older than me), I hardly ever saw them. My sisters haven't had the best of relationships either. We all, including my parents who can be in the same house on holidays, get along now and my one sister is happily married. However, I feel this affects me in my relationships heavily.

Any advise on how to get myself more trusting in relationships? How can I build my confidence to put myself out there? 

 

[Brenden8]

 

Glad to read your post here. And the bad thing is for me that you didn't involve in a relationship yet. However, I have had the same experience I was dated few websites but didn't fulfill my expectation from there. Then I joined cuteonly  and found lots of Russian and Ukrainian women. They are pretty, beautiful, and cute women for dating. Though there are different ages women available. You might find someone according to your expectation or demand. Anyways, first time I thought it was fake and not legal. But when I joined it was asking me for verification like- mobile number, email, pictures and many other legal documents. Besides, I found some benefits of joining in cuteonly-

1) Only Russian and Ukrainian women (they are known to be beautiful and feminine. Lots of guys who live in pro-feminists countries value that a lot of. 

2) All women on CuteOnly are looking for a serious relationship and marriage. They are ready to move to another country (unlike on Tinder for example — you don't know if the girl would really want to move to another country — and it is a big step for woman). So for men who are searching for a serious relationship Cuteonly will work faster.

3) Users don't pay to send a message, they can exchange Skype, phones and so on. Unlike on other dating websites.

4) On CuteOnly man can carefully choose a woman — every woman has a description of her, her family, her hopes + videos. So it is much more representative than Tinder or OkCupid for example.

You can also try for it.

[Tyger]

Since this poster is female, and didn't express being gay, I don't think this is much of an option. And, "mail order" relationships rarely work. My cousin did one, and got screwed over big time!!!

Anyway, Aletta, it sounds like you fear ending up like your parents. It's sad that your parents allowed their kids to see the messiness of their divorce. That can do a lot of damage. When I divorced my daughter's father, I made sure to keep her out of what little drama there was, and always made sure that she knew it wasn't her fault. So, please know that not every break up is terribly bad or traumatic. Painful, probably, but not gawd-awful either.

To be in a relationship, one must be willing to take risks. That does include the risk of being hurt, unfortunately.

Now, I hope you realize that this doesn't mean you can't date. I encourage you to date. Go out with a couple different guys a week. Just because you go out, doesn't mean you're committed! You can experience a lot of different things with guys with different interests....and no, I'm not talking sexual either. Get out there, have fun!!!

Flirting is tricky, and sometimes guys are too nervous about being called perverts or brought up on sexual harrassment charges for just paying someone a compliment!!! People have become soooooo eager to be offended at the littlest thing!!! It's ridiculous!

If you see a nice looking guy, and notice there's no ring on his left finger, and you're at say, a coffee shop.....compliment him-maybe he has a nice tie on, or the color shirt looks good on him.....or you like the vehicle he's driving. Something. It may start up a conversation. Harmless, sincere compliments. It can be that easy.

Go to places you know will be loaded with guys!! Car shows, sports bars, pool halls, and other events. I'd suggest going with at least one other female. Not really a group, because, many men will tell you that groups of girls scare them!! LOL 

I once was with a guy for 4 years because, my opening line was "Hi there shorty!!" He was 6'2", and, for some reason, that got his attention.

Now-a-days, many people DO go on dating websites. There are hundreds, if not thousands out there. I would stay away from like the one the last poster mentioned, in all honesty. There are dating sites designed for specific interests, lifestyles, fetishes, & even health issues!! Ones that charge for more options may help weed out the jerks a bit more. Like Match.com. Plenty Of Fish is ok, so long as you pay the extra. Be careful though. Many men that are married go on there. I had 2 or 3 have their wives message me to tell me that  I was hitting on THEIR husband. It happens. When it did, I casually apologized, saying that they were on a dating website, listed as single, and messaged me, and that I wouldn't contact them again. Then I blocked the man's number as well as his "wife"s number.

Edited: my sister belongs to Positive Singles.....she has had some really nice dates from there as well.

Also, I would WAIT until the dating gets exclusive with someone before divulging you're a virgin. There are men out there that would love to have a virgin on their "belt notch collection".