Whats Wrong With Me

[Sigma2004]

When I was 17 I was raped. I had my virginity taken from me by a man 9 years my senior. After my attack, it took about 4 years for me to even begin to want to have sex. All and all I would say I had 20 times since then. It was a big decision for me to have sex. I love my boyfriend and am completely ok with taking our relationship to the next level but I worry that there still may be lingering effects from my past, because sex hurts. After my attack, I had a complete check up and everything was fine. I know I don’t have anything because I have been to the doctor. I have tried lubrication and it still hurts. My friends tell me sex is supposed to hurt the first few times, but we have been going at it for a while and it still hurts. I guess I should point out that we don’t do it often because we are in a long term relationship. Then they also point out the size difference. I am only 5ft and he is well over 6ft and is very big. Is it possible for him to be too big and me to be too small? Or does my pain during sex have something to do with what happened to me in the past, like a lingering effect. It feels like he is hitting my stomach from the inside or he is rearranging my insides. There are certain positions that we can’t even try because it hurts. Will sex always be like this for me? Any advise you can offer would be greatly appreciated

[Mikayla1]

First, let me say how sorry I am about what happened to you. I understand (really, I do) how traumatic a rape can be. So, it is not surprising to me that you are having problems - rape is extremely violent and abusive and disgusting and it takes away more than your virginity it takes away your pride and your self-respect.

Did you go to counseling? Rape counselors are WONDERFUL at helping you to distinguish between sex and love and sex and the rape. It is a necessary part of healing, and is never too late.

When you said this, "It feels like he is hitting my stomach from the inside or he is rearranging my insides."

I thought that this sounded more like stress and what happens to someone's stomach when they are really, really uncomforable with things. I have had this experience, and I have had this experience while having sex.

It is absolutely possible and not only that, but probably likely, that your discomfort is psychological and not physical. If you have been checked for scar tissue and other injuries and are OK, then I would suggest what you already know - you are associating sex with your lover with the rape. THis is so unfortunate, but it is a reality.

You can overcome this - it might take longer than you, or your bf, would like - but it WILL happen. I would suggest reading some books or articles on being a survivor of rape. See a counselor, and tell your bf how much you care for him, but that youneed to go slow.

I am assuming you can remember the rape - try to remember the anger and the force that this man perpetrated on you and dissasociate this with the love and caring with which your bf asks you for sex. Regain your control of YOUR body, realize that you CAN say no to anyone and they will stop. In order to heal, it is necessary to put everything in perspective, and that means differentiating between the rapist and the men who you will be involved with.

I hope that you can heal - and I know you can - but it will take a while. I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you need to talk please PM me, or post back here. In the meantime, I would suggest doing other things which are not sex. Get your brain used to the idea that when you say "ENOUGH" that your bf will take his time and not push you.

Good luck!

Mikayla