Open Marriage?

[joanne]

Anybody here have one? How? Why? Good, bad?

(Back story to me can be found in "Ask a Sexpert," which I realize now was probably the wrong forum.)

[Tyger]

Well, I don't have an open marriage, but one of my really good friends does. Her and her hubby years and years ago, decided that this would be acceptable for both of them. They've been married something like 12 yrs, and have had open marriage for almost that long. They are honest with each other when they're interested in someone else, letting the other person read e-mails, or hear phone conversations, sometimes even meeting the other possible lover. If one doesn't like the potential lover, they tell the spouse, and it doesn't happen. The wife (my friend) is bisexual, and has had both men and women lovers over the course of her marriage. They are swingers too. This works for them. She is honest in saying that she would not feel comfortable doing this with most of her past relationships. That what her and her husband have is rare, and that they trust each other, their love, and devotion enough to do this sort of thing. It's a rare case, at least in my circle, but they're out there.

I would honestly recommend, as Howard did in your other post, to talk to your counsellor FIRST. An open marriage takes a very STRONG relationship to withstand. And, from your post, it doesn't seem like you're even sure if you want to stay with your husband right now.

You have to be TOTALLY honest with, not just your husband, but yourself as well. And your counselor will probably tell you that. You have to truly know how you feel about you, your husband, and your marriage, before you make any decisions on whether or not bringing other people into your marriage will be good for you or not.

I wish you the best!

[joanne]

I want to emphatically point out what I wrote in my other post:

And this isn't something I'm going to do tomorrow. I'm getting into therapy, discussing it with a therapist, then *possibly* proceeding from there.

I don't even know if this is a possibility for me, honestly. I don't know if I can do it. But I am NOT running loose in the streets and dropping trau for any and every man I meet. I AM getting into therapy and discussing my sex life with that therapist. And THEN we - my husband and I - will take steps from there. I don't know what those steps will be, but we'll take them together.

I am sorry to sound defensive. My husband and I DO have a strong marriage, despite what appears here. Sex is ONE of the issues, possibly the issue, but there are a host of other situations *not necessarily pertaining to my husband* that come into play. But since this is a sex discussion board, I will leave those other issues out of the discussion. If y'all want to hear them, though, I'll gladly share.

Sorry. I guess this is grating on me. You know when you're just about to do something (like finish the dishes) and somebody asks you to do it as you're doing it? (Or, brings over one more dirty bowl?) I feel like that here. I've SAID I'm going to therapy FIRST. Please stop referencing my need to speak to a therapist first as if I haven't said the exact same thing.

[Tyger]

Howard is right on that point too. My friend and her husband, that I mentioned, have had a couple of their lovers want to have a bit more than what they're willing to give. Before going into another lover's arms, they are totally honest with the third person in telling them that this is just for some recreational fun. It is the third person that usually wants a bit more. They have never had a situation where they felt they wanted to leave their marriage for the other person. Nor have they ever hid t he fact of what they were doing from the other person. They have 6 kids between them, ages 18yrs- 4mos old, and keep this side of their life very private, which is VERY hard to do!! Most of their friends aren't aware of their lifestyle either.

I'm sorry if you got irritated by my answer. I post to what my reactions are to what is posted. None of us can see what you're really going thru, so we post accordingly, our personal take on it. Please don't get irritated when you ask a question, we answer, and you haven't given us things you think we should already know.

I did take the time and read some of your other posts, before responding, including the one you referred to located in Ask A Sexpert. My response to you not having a very strong marriage stems from your statement that you're not attracted to your husband anymore. That, in itself, is a big issue. We also respond to each individual post. We may know the poster's situation, but for some of the other readers, and newbies, they probably don't, and are looking for specific subjects to read about. Therefore, we can answer, and probably repeat at times, each subject. It is good that you refer to another posting, so that others can kinda follow up though. That was very helpful, & great for other readers too.

[joanne]

Thanks, Howard. And Tyger. I'm not trying to jump on either of you. I just don't want to be told to do something I'm doing, you know?

Nothing is easy. But we're in this marriage together, we're in it for the long haul, and we're trying our best to make modifications to our life while still respecting each other's limitations. Faith and hope, faith and hope...

[willwork4sex]

I have not read your other post that you referred to so not sure if i ask anything you have answered, so just lemme know if you have....but are you and your husband both wanting to explore with other couples? Is it something you have talked about? I know a few people that are in the lifestyle (swingers) and some that have very "open" marriages, and there is a bit of a difference IMO.

Swingers have varying levels. Some are soft-swing (touching, oral but no penetration), some go all the way with their partner involved in it, some with their partner on another bed or chair, or just watching, some will play in totally separate areas. Other than being in a strong marriage/relationship and having very open communication, you need to set rules for the swinging lifestyle. You will not enter a lifestyle club/party that does not mention rules. The rules are do's and don'ts that you and your partner have such as no kissing, no penetration, no playing alone...things like that. There are people who are very open to the one-night stand and those swingers that incorporate friendships with people they find at swingers clubs. I have seen both of those aspects as well. Have some great friends we met at a club that we did family things with and never, ever had sex with or came close to having sex with!

Having an open marraige can constitute much of the same things as swingers, but I have seen it include alot more. Things such as "relationships" outside of the marriage...dates, more than just casual sex. IMO that is risky business. Gives reason for doubts and such.

I hope you get some answers and find some ways to have some great sex and fulfillment no matter what path you choose. As for speaking with a counselor, I am not sure I could ever talk about my sex life to a therapist, but if you can, that is awesome! Kudos to you! If nothing at all, keep the lines of communication open with your spouse!!!