joanne

I've been struggling with this for some time now. My husband and I are currently going through a maelstrom of issues, including those from our bedroom. I'm sexually frustrated because when I have sex with my husband, I don't necessarily feel anything. I can feel the movement of his penis inside me, but it's really no different than him, say, pumping his penis through my closed fist, in terms of sensation. For some time I've wondered if it's my husband and something to do with his size, but some quick research has led me to discover that I'm not alone with this! (And that it has nothing to do with his size.) I am going to have an appt with my OBGYN next week (yearly check-up), and you can bet your patootie I'm bringing this up. I've only found posts on other message boards, but they all share the same tone of sadness, frustration, and anger that I feel. All of those people have also heard the same, "You need to relax. Don't make it into work. Breathe. It's about being close to your partner.", etc, etc. But I think it's very easy for a person who hasn't experienced this lack of feeling to respond with that sort of advice. (Which is all good, sound advice, but really not applicable to this situation.) There doesn't really seem to be much I can do, but there is some theory floating out there about a lack of bioelectrical somethings in the vagina. Have to look into that some more. Possibly hypnosis and Viagra may also help. For what it's worth, I can orgasm with clitoral stimulation. I don't know if I've found my G-spot yet, and I've certainly tried. When I use my vibrator, it feels pleasant, but it's 1) got an attached clit stimulator and 2) a VIBRATOR. It wiggles in way no man ever can. Has anybody else here got any experience with this? ETA This is the snippet I found: Your vaginal nerve does not have sufficient bioelectricity (resting potential, or so-called DC bias) to sense and to respond, as a result of insufficient testosterone and 5-alpha reductase in the local tissue to produce bioelectric energy for you. Poor blood circulation in the perineum area is the other cause of the deficiency of testosterone and 5-alpha reductase in the tissue of sex orgasm.

Well, they should arrive Monday (I opted for expedited shipping, LOL), so I'll find out then! I did get that set, I think. Plus another set from this site. And I fully intend to wear my granny panties with them.

I'm so sorry! I don't have any experience with fibromyalgia, and I'm sorry your doctor reacted that way. That's not helpful! Was the doctor an OB? Could you possibly speak to an OB about this and see what they have to say? Or, a different doctor? I wouldn't feel comfortable with a doctor who wasn't comfortable discussing a body and its issues, but that's just me. I mean, that's what doctors are supposed to do, right? (Though others seem to have offered good advice to you, and maybe an OB will say the same thing.) Best of luck with everything!

You're right. There is no medical or physical reason for anybody on the Autism spectrum. Autism is a MENTAL disability. So while he may be able to do these things physically, his brain might not be able to follow through. For the OP, I can't understand your entire situation, but I know what life is like with autism. My son is on the spectrum, as are my younger brother and sister. (Welcome to the gene pool!) You're possibly craving something from your husband that just cannot be. Like I said, this is purely a mental disability. It's all in the wiring, connections, and who knows what else. There's no talking to him, or having him talk to counselors, because nothing will compute or be digested. Does he have routines and rigid schedules and paths that he MUST follow? Unfortunately, sex IS a thing. And to a person like your husband, it's a thing that must be done A way for B minutes in C fashion. (And my apologies if it seems I'm applying blanket generalizations to your life and your husband. I'm just trying to paint a picture.) I fear this may not be just a sex issue, but a life issue. Life with my son is a constant battle. I feel like he's SO close, you know? But he's not, really. There has been an element of disconnect with him since the moment he was born. It's heartbreaking. I know the struggle mothering it; I can't imagine being married to it. Fortunately, it seems that your husband IS high-functioning, and he should be commended for a number of things, like growing up independently, getting married, raising children. Hell, even talking is a big deal in this world, right?! A lot of Aspies almost require a sort of training. They need to LEARN how to speak to people, how to order a drink at a bar, get through the check-out line. It takes practice, practice, practice, and all out in the big world. Can you start researching online for other spouses of those with Asperger's? That might be a starting point, at least to vent and air some of your frustrations, get feedback from those who have been there, done that. Good luck to you.

I agree - talk to your OB. If you've found you've had a similar experience with other people, my guess is that it's a physical issue. After I had children, I found that being on top was suddenly more difficult for me. It was fine pre-baby, but post, not so much. (Sharing this to illustrate that there are internal physical properties at play here, too.) I can take it doggy style (actually really love it), but have found that if we're attempting a DP, he HAS to be in my pussy. If he's in my ass and we're trying to use a vibrator in my pussy, it just doesn't fit, at least not without hurting. Good luck!

Not my kids (have entirely different stories about them), but of a friend who found them at her parents' house. That's what made me think of the physical therapy thing. (They were quite a bit older, and they *were* used for PT.) I guess sex could be considered a form of physical therapy, though.

We've recently brought the man-anal aspect into play. It's a shared interest, but it's on HIS terms, and at HIS discretion, ie, he uses the toy, not me. That's as far as we've gotten. There are some reservations (like for me, just touching the area in general, which I know is silly, but there it is), but we're going slowly and feeling out, quite literally, what works and what doesn't. My husband is absolutely convinced that he is not gay and that, even doing this, he will, in fact, remain straight.

Well, maybe not Borat's, but how about Bruno?

LOL. Matthew McConaughey back in the day! Yum. My husband doesn't wear any scent. He uses Lever 2000 for soap which I love love love. And then when he's been outside in the sun, working hard...Just a man's scent, you know? I like that.

I don't know what you can do. Have you spoken with him about how it affects your feelings of closeness and intimacy? I can't imagine how sad that must make you feel. I'm so sorry. I hope you and your husband can find a resolution.

For what it's worth, I think there are things very similar to the Liberator that are used a lot in physical therapy. Perhaps that was the item featured in the Wal-Mart circular? I can't imagine that Wal-Mart would sell an actual Liberator when they've covered up issues of Cosmo in the past.

Thanks, Howard. And Tyger. I'm not trying to jump on either of you. I just don't want to be told to do something I'm doing, you know? Nothing is easy. But we're in this marriage together, we're in it for the long haul, and we're trying our best to make modifications to our life while still respecting each other's limitations. Faith and hope, faith and hope...

May I ask - where on earth do you store these? They don't fit under our bed, and our closet does hold them...but now, not our clothes.

I want to emphatically point out what I wrote in my other post: And this isn't something I'm going to do tomorrow. I'm getting into therapy, discussing it with a therapist, then *possibly* proceeding from there. I don't even know if this is a possibility for me, honestly. I don't know if I can do it. But I am NOT running loose in the streets and dropping trau for any and every man I meet. I AM getting into therapy and discussing my sex life with that therapist. And THEN we - my husband and I - will take steps from there. I don't know what those steps will be, but we'll take them together. I am sorry to sound defensive. My husband and I DO have a strong marriage, despite what appears here. Sex is ONE of the issues, possibly the issue, but there are a host of other situations *not necessarily pertaining to my husband* that come into play. But since this is a sex discussion board, I will leave those other issues out of the discussion. If y'all want to hear them, though, I'll gladly share. Sorry. I guess this is grating on me. You know when you're just about to do something (like finish the dishes) and somebody asks you to do it as you're doing it? (Or, brings over one more dirty bowl?) I feel like that here. I've SAID I'm going to therapy FIRST. Please stop referencing my need to speak to a therapist first as if I haven't said the exact same thing.

Well, to buy them. I don't know why I haven't yet. And I just might treat myself to a new vibe. I think my favorite gunner is losing its mojo. I'll miss it terribly; I've become quite attached. How long can a person use the Ben Wa balls? And I am secretly terrified that they are not going to stay, that I'm just flapping around all over the place and the things will pop out within nanoseconds. But the reason is two-fold - I'll use them in conjunction with my Kegels, and maybe, just maybe, I'll have that earth shattering orgasm while I do the laundry or something.

Anybody here have one? How? Why? Good, bad? (Back story to me can be found in "Ask a Sexpert," which I realize now was probably the wrong forum.)

An update... So, last Tuesday, the day before Valentine's Day, I started to really disengage. Actually, I probably started doing that well before Tuesday, but it all came to a head that night. I was doing dishes, he came up to nuzzle me on the neck, and I literally jumped out of my skin. He asked if things were okay, I said uh-huh, he asked if WE were okay and I shrugged. Things went downhill from there. After the kids went to bed, we had a HUGE heart-to-heart - freaking exhausting and draining and so sad. Lots of tears, anger (on his part), complete helplessness (on mine). We talked about everything (but NOT the sex issue, because that didn't come up) and held each other. Made slow, tender love and I cried through it. We cried through the whole next day, had extremely territorial sex...We've basically been all over each other since this talk. We're taking steps to get us back on track. I'm waiting on therapist recommendations (and joy! my insurance doesn't cover any sort of mental health issue, so yay for me), and we're going to go for couple's counseling. But really, there isn't anything I've said to him that I wouldn't say to a therapist. I think we just need that person to guide us through this turmoil, help direct our dialogue into something useful. However, last night, he quite suddenly brought up sex, and asked if it's THE issue for me. My stomach sort of dropped. Oddly enough, I had written a post here (maybe my first one) about how I was possibly into the whole spanking/bondage thing but didn't know how to bring it up to him. I think the day after I wrote it, we had sex and he pulled out all the stops - spanking, biting, restraints. He didn't read it here, but it was just...weird, how he knew. Anyway, he was right on and basically detailed everything I've outlined here. It's amazing - it's as if he's climbed inside my head and taken my words for his own. And if there's anything about us, it's that we're open and honest and communicate truthfully - even if it takes us a while to get the words out, they always do eventually get out. So I don't think he happened upon this site and figured out who I was. Sooo...wrapping things up, we're talking about a possible open marriage. A one-sided, limited time only, open marriage. Now, this is extremely hard for me, for us - I'm equal parts relieved, sad, excited, disgusted, anxious. You name it, I'm probably feeling it. And he is, too. Well, maybe not excited, nor relieved. And this isn't something I'm going to do tomorrow. I'm getting into therapy, discussing it with a therapist, then *possibly* proceeding from there. That's where we are. It could be something that gets bugs out of my system. It could be something that spells the end of us. I just don't know. But we are both cognizant that one way to combat the sex issue is for me to have sex. With other people. And I can do that with his blessing, or I could not do it at all. Because I wouldn't do it without, unless my marriage was over. And my marriage will probably end if this isn't dealt with.

I wish things were easy. It's hard to talk about this with friends, because my husband truly rocks when it comes to being a husband and a father. And I have friends who are in shitty relationships, who are on their own and struggling financially, who are wistfully thinking of children they haven't had...And then they look at me and wonder how on earth I could even consider my life a hardship. I look at myself and wonder why I can't be happy. I have this small knack for being very subjective about things - not only am I unhappy, I'm aware that the fact I'm unhappy is nonsensical. Talk about compounding the issue. I have two horrific divorces that colored my childhood, and that is the last thing I'd want my children to experience. I've always been open with him about the fact that IF we were to split that I would be excessively mindful of my behavior and keep any vitriol to a minimum, and that I'd expect the same in return. However, the possibility of us splitting seems so remote because there's no definitive reason why other than I'm not happy. Why aren't you happy? I'm just not... hence, I am the evil bitch heartbreaker, and for nothing overtly obvious. Anyway, yes, I have been in therapy, and am looking into more. But it's a real pain when you get 20 sessions a year through your insurance... makes "test driving" a costly venture, in all senses. Thank you for your thoughts.

I know it would help to have this conversation, but how on EARTH would one have it? Especially with her partner of nearly 10 years? It could only be construed as completely hurtful, I think. There is no man subjective enough who could withstand the sort of conversation that's playing around in my head - and I'm not thinking vicious. I'm thinking honest. I do spread my lips, when he's going down on me or when he's on top. It doesn't seem to help. I'll also push down on my lower tummy, hoping to get my G-spot in a lower spot. We have sex at all times, on any day. Yeah, much of the time it's when the kids are in school or asleep, but we've been known to pop in a DVD and run upstairs for a quickie or a blow job. I think the post-partum/kids issue is far more emotional, and deeply entrenched on my side of the fence, not his. Another thing - hello, small town! I would love to pull that scenario with my hubby, but you can't walk three inches here without bumping into someone you know, or who knows someone you know. I do not like small towns, truthfully. I appreciate all your feedback. Thank you.

Thanks, Howard. It's a multi-pronged issue, definitely. I think individual counseling is first in order, for me. Trying to stay afloat is a tough gig. I can see how you might have gotten the impression you did about my marriage. And while, yes, he was in a sense my rescuer, I absolutely was head over heels for him. It transcended that feeling of "Finally! Something safe!" We actually got married after having the kids, and this most recent bout of feelings certainly seems to revolve around a post-partum me. But even when we were in those crazy, heady first days, the sex for ME wasn't mind-blowing. It just...was. Sure it was exciting; it was new, I was in love, etc. But the earth never moved. My husband and I are *always* touching each other. Always. He'll slap my ass, cop a feel, tweak a nipple, grab me, come up behind me when I'm doing dishes and ram into me (clothes on!), kiss my neck. I'll grab him, hop into the shower while he's in there and go down on him, fondle his nipples (which he HATES, so I keep it up until we're both laughing), I'll shake my ass for him just so, or walk up the stairs in a seductive manner, bend over when I'm picking up laundry and I know he's watching... I don't WANT sex to be work. But it's not anything to me, really. It just is. It doesn't feel bad, it doesn't feel good. It just is. How do I work around that? I am fully aware that it really just might be me (my nipples are super sensitive, maybe I'm bigger, my clit seems to be content to hide away in the deep recesses of my body), and my compatibility with him. And that's when the wandering thoughts begin - is it me, or just me with HIM? Could I have some explosive, earth-shattering sex... but just not with him? Is it really selfish to WANT that, instead of what I've got? And I do try to focus on his pleasure. But it's hard to feel super dee dooper about it when it seems a bit one-sided. As far as I can tell, he manages to come every time, and I do things like rub his perineum, rub his balls, push on that little spot behind his scrotum, shift my hips so he gets in deep and at a nice little angle - I am focused on him. And he is focused on me, but I don't get to come every time without really (yes) working for it, myself. I can't imagine anyone who is so selfless as to not expect some of the same effortlessness in return. I want an experience where I can lay there and not have to focus on it at all, where I can simply be at the mercy of my lover and know that I'll be taken care of. Right now, if I just lay there, it'll be quiet, he'll come and go to sleep, and I'll be left thinking, "Really? Is that what all the fuss is about?" I would love to hear some more from people. It took a lot for me to admit to this, and I would really appreciate your experiences and opinions. Thanks.

I don't even know where to start. This is a topic I've broached with friends, but not quite on this level. My stomach is in knots right now attempting to write this. I'm sure I'll be going 'round in circles, so please hang in there with me. There are many MANY things going on in my life that bear on my marriage, but right now, for me, it's all coming down to is sex. I am not sexually attracted to my husband. It's never been incredible; it's sometimes good. Sex is work for me, but often without any sort of payoff. We've been together for nearly 10 years. In the beginning it was nice, but it never happened for me, even then. There was the thrill of novelty and discovery, the joy of being with a man I loved. Then for a period of about two years, I literally could not have sex without feeling excruciating pain. It obviously put a damper on things. (And we did go to doctors, we went slowly, we tried every way we could to make it more comfortable for me.) Quite suddenly, the pain stopped. Sex picked up after that point, but still without much enjoyment on my part. The problem is, I just don't *feel* anything. Literally. I think that there are physical issues at play - my clit is buried deep, and even when I am fully aroused it isn't always right there for the plucking. When he's inside me, it really doesn't register. He's not small, but I wouldn't say he's large, either. He's average. Lately, in an attempt to do something, we've begun using a plug in my ass while he's in me and that helps a little - I'm tighter and I can more easily feel him. We've even moved up to a dildo, so it's even tighter. And yeah, maybe I'm big, but he's said no, and even OBs have commented that I'm a bit tiny down there. We have children; I'm using an IUD right now for birth control. I think the IUD might be playing some part in this as well because of my body's response to it - my nipples are extremely sensitive, so I can't take much action there. This is unfortunate, since nipple play was HUGE for me. IS huge for me. Why would I want to do something from which I derive very little pleasure? I've become more open in recent months about things I want (bondage, spanking), but it's a 2-way street - he doesn't always want to play that way. And even when we do go that route, it doesn't mean that I'm going to feel the earth move. Again, there are other issues at play here that I won't delve into, but I'm sexually frustrated. I have only been with my husband and, yeah, curiosity is rearing its little head. I won't cheat, but I wonder... I find myself looking at other men and wondering, definitely. In bed, could that other man be the one for me? One thing that really clicked for me here, thanks to Howard, is that sex is play, and that you each have to work to bring your partner pleasure. I don't doubt my husband is working, but it's just not happening for me. But I am not so selfless as to think it's okay for me work and not get something in return. The closeness and bond isn't enough anymore. Do I have unrealistic expectations? Am I thinking the grass is greener on the other side? Is that a false impression? It upsets me to read some accounts here about people and the length of their orgasms. I have never called out my husband's name. I rarely break a sweat. My orgasms are quick, fleeting, and hard to achieve. And I do work at it. I do. I get on top; I get on my knees; anal sex is far from comfortable, but I want to do it because I know it's something he loves. I know there are women who cannot orgasm. Fortunately, I can. But I want to experience sex that fucking blows me away, and I don't think I will ever have that with my husband. That makes me feel incredibly sad and lonely. Again, there are other issues at hand here, and I'm not so callous that I am basing the entirety of my marriage's health on our bedroom compatibility. But I feel like it's all starting to fall apart, and this isn't helping. I do love my husband, but there is something missing. I wonder if he really is right for me. I met him when I was young, and it worked - but he was also my savior, and in my life at that point, that meant the world. It worked for a long time, but it doesn't seem to be working so much now. I can feel myself disengaging, and I can see him trying desperately to get me back. And it's always been like this - he lives with the fear that one day I'll completely lose it and walk out. I live with the fear that I just might, and then the guilt that accompanies that fear. Please, tell me what to do, what you've done. And please be gentle - I know how this might be coming off, but I really don't know how to adequately illustrate how lost I feel. This isn't something I can talk about with him. Not yet.

Is he into anal play? They make "P"-spot vibes and dildoes. We have a couple, but haven't used them yet. They're made to hit the prostate gland and I've heard nothing but good when it comes to men, their prostate glands, and orgasms.

No way!! You landed on a list for that?!?! Times is crazy, for sure... This was a great thread. My husband and I NEED NEED NEED a break with only ourselves. We never really went on any vacations before we had kids because we never had any money. Now we're okay financially, but nobody to watch the kids, LOL. I was actually curious about toys and security because there's no way we're traveling without. And remote control underwear! Sign me up...Yum! Oh, and I do believe they've relaxed some of the restrictions, no?

Thank you Howard, for taking the time to write that. Unfortunately, a lot of it was waaay off the mark. I don't have trouble reaching orgasm. (And another, and another. I can make myself come a million times over.) I just want to reach it in another position than on my back. When I was first sexually active, I was able to O when I was on top, but then I had kids and things shifted and now...not so much. Also, me on top is hard for my husband - he can't always stay hard. (I think he needs the up and down, and I need the front to back slide...) And I do love doggie style. I don't know how you got that I'm afraid of being approached from behind. But, again, since the kids, something has shifted - it hurts on occasion. But I do love it, especially when he can spank me or just feeling his hands on my hips when he's going hard...It's a total turn-on. I just can't seem to O in that position - no clit stimulation. And when I use the bullet when on all fours or facedown, I don't think I'm used to the angle my clit is hanging at. I feel awkward when I use my fingers. It just feels weird. I remember watching that show on Oxygen with the older lady - Sue something? And some guy called in and said that he could only come when he did X. And she told him to hold off from sex for a month, and then after the month start masturbating (still no sex), but with his opposite hand, and maybe with condom? Can't quite remember. She said he would hate it, and her, but it just might do the trick. I'm thinking that's along the lines of what I need. I've been masturbating since I don't know when - 11, 12? I had a good 5-6 years of myself before I met my husband (he's the only person I've been with), and we still rely on me a fair bit to get my kicks in. I need to get unused to myself, you know?

Fingers, and my fave Big Blue. I think I'll die when that vibe dies - I don't know what it's called, who makes it, nada. I read a LOT of erotica, so that keeps me pumped. I've masturbated myself with my husband's penis once. That was nice.