Anybody Else?

[joanne]

I've been struggling with this for some time now. My husband and I are currently going through a maelstrom of issues, including those from our bedroom.

I'm sexually frustrated because when I have sex with my husband, I don't necessarily feel anything. I can feel the movement of his penis inside me, but it's really no different than him, say, pumping his penis through my closed fist, in terms of sensation. For some time I've wondered if it's my husband and something to do with his size, but some quick research has led me to discover that I'm not alone with this! (And that it has nothing to do with his size.)

I am going to have an appt with my OBGYN next week (yearly check-up), and you can bet your patootie I'm bringing this up. I've only found posts on other message boards, but they all share the same tone of sadness, frustration, and anger that I feel. All of those people have also heard the same, "You need to relax. Don't make it into work. Breathe. It's about being close to your partner.", etc, etc. But I think it's very easy for a person who hasn't experienced this lack of feeling to respond with that sort of advice. (Which is all good, sound advice, but really not applicable to this situation.)

There doesn't really seem to be much I can do, but there is some theory floating out there about a lack of bioelectrical somethings in the vagina. Have to look into that some more. Possibly hypnosis and Viagra may also help.

For what it's worth, I can orgasm with clitoral stimulation. I don't know if I've found my G-spot yet, and I've certainly tried. When I use my vibrator, it feels pleasant, but it's 1) got an attached clit stimulator and 2) a VIBRATOR. It wiggles in way no man ever can.

Has anybody else here got any experience with this?

ETA This is the snippet I found:

Your vaginal nerve does not have sufficient bioelectricity (resting potential, or so-called DC bias) to sense and to respond, as a result of insufficient testosterone and 5-alpha reductase in the local tissue to produce bioelectric energy for you.

Poor blood circulation in the perineum area is the other cause of the deficiency of testosterone and 5-alpha reductase in the tissue of sex orgasm.

[Tanker]

Your vaginal nerve does not have sufficient bioelectricity (resting potential, or so-called DC bias) to sense and to respond, as a result of insufficient testosterone and 5-alpha reductase in the local tissue to produce bioelectric energy for you.

Poor blood circulation in the perineum area is the other cause of the deficiency of testosterone and 5-alpha reductase in the tissue of sex orgasm.

(from a mans' view) Well, maybe. But we have struggled with this for years. Could not feel a thing, then orgasm. Some orgasms are weak. Early in our married life M was more pleasurable. But we did some things to help her, help me. We did the following.

1. Set the scene. Candles, music, bed, sexy & intimate clothing.

2. Eliminated the wet glove (condomn).

3. Shaved the pubics. You can't feel what you cannot feel.

4. Varied the positions. Some tighter squeezes, some less, etc.

5. Prime the pump. Don't go for the quickie every time. Allow yourself to build with intensity towards his entrance. Find the things that peak your arousal, list them and then use them. Make him lean to be an expert at implementing them. Demand that he pay attention to your hot spots whatever they are. Demand that he become a student of your zones of pleasure that have noting to do with "penis in, penis out, orgasm." For us this includes a tongue in the ear, a tongue exploring the lips and mouth. Has he learned to kiss like a king? Do you like to be pinched? Is spanking your thin? How about a nibble on the butt? What other ways do you explore (use these to your advantage)? These all serve to set the mood that translates to more feeling for you.

6. Respect the soft zones. Don't let him squeeze the boobs if that is an irritation. Re-teach if necessary to educate him how to touch. As you have leaned the art of touch his penis, teach him how to touch you. This will mean teaching him how to touch your clitoris. Discover together what makes you come near the edge of hot orgasms. This may include softly and gently rolling the clitoris, or sucking only on it, or slightly and softly tugging on it with a soft roll. Learn the soft areas and make him do them the way you want them.

7. Play together. Play together with toys and things and in ways that invoke respect for your relationship.

The inability to feel is very frustrating and can lead to may other problems. We have been there. A real problem needs real support, get an expert’s help. But sex is not just the act it is the prelude, the preparation, leaned skills, the role play, and then the orgasm, and then the postlude, and then the epilogue. Hope this helps.

[buttman331]

I'd have to agree with Tanker. The bottom line is though that unless you are aroused you aren't going to make it. It can all be mental. I know my wife has trouble when she is worried about other things or has a lot on her mind. Usually unless I notice this and do what it takes to get her mind focused it is exactly as you described for her. Usually I can tell I'm making progress with swelling and wetness. Just like its pretty difficult to get a guy to orgasm with a limp dick its the same thing. Also my understanding is the vaginal pumps that are designed to increase the swelling can help with this a lot. I actually saw a report on Berman and Berman about that.