How Do You You Talk Sex With Mom?

[Sarahangel]

Well it might sound very weird but I would like to introduce my mom to this website....or the toys atleast.. I've never really been able to talk to her about Sex in general...she squirms and gets really uncomfortable...where as I could ask my dad almost anything and he was willing to answer me...he was the one that told me masturbation was normal and not wrong!!

Anyways My mom hasn't had sex in nearly 3 years...She was a wild one when I was growing up, she was thin ...she wieghed 115 lbs when I was 8 years old and I am the youngest of 3!!! and was and still is beautiful. I remember her always letting me spend the night at my nieghbor's house for days at a time...I know now that she was getting laid all those nights lol...somewhere along the line she changed, Her Anxiety and panic disorders run her life, she's 194 lbs and doesn't care, she's 52 still very young and vibrant but acts like a grumpy 80 year old!!! She is separated from my stepdad and thinks she's too old to find another man..she actually says she just wants a companion (her way of saying a relationship without sex )

I am worried about her waisting her remaining years alone and miserable, I want her to feel alive again, to be the independant woman she was when I was growing up (without the alcohol binges though) I want to talk to her about this website, show her the toys...is that wrong?? OR EVEN disgusting of me??

I don't know how to bring it up with her though...especially with how uncomfortable it makes her I mean her gynecologist asked her if she had the same sex partner for the past six months with me in the room and she got all flustered and made me leave after begging me to go in with her...should I even try talking sex with her? Leave it alone? or is it wrong of me to talk to my mom about this?? Oh yeah and I remember my mom telling me once that she didn't like sex...yet she had three kids and 3 miscarriages?? She confuses me alot!!! how can someone not like sex?? Anyways I'm open to any and all Advice

[MysticLady]

I will never be in this kind of situation since my mom died three months before my 4th birthday. My dad never wants to remarry and I live with my almost 80 year grandparents. I do have aunts that live about 10 from me, but it is too embarrasing to ask and I really keep my feelings to myself. I am thankful for learning what I know from school and the internet.

I know I will never ask my grandparents cause they probably haven't been intimate at all since probably when my mom was a baby (47 years ago;its a guess on my part cause I ain't sure).

Liesl

[Tyger]

I was never talked to about sex by my mother. In fact, when I started my monthly for the first time, I called her into the bathroom, showed her my undies, and she pointed to where the pads were. She knew I had had sex ed (gender correct) in school, so she thought that's all she had to do. It was her ignorance on the subject that made me feel lacking for years.

To this day, discussing sex with her is "wierd". Mostly jokes and stuff. Every once in a blue moon she tries to say something almost serious, but she doesn't know how to bridge the gap, and I don't think either one of us really want too!!

I DID catch her one day, with her long-time BF, when I was 15 yrs old, and she was on top. I thought my eyes were gonna burn outta my head!!!

It's unfortunate that your mother associates sex with being drunk. Maybe that's the only way she could relax enough to enjoy herself, by drinking. That's very sad. Though, it's great that she's cleaned up her life!

If I were in your position, and concerned about my mother in that way, I'd tell her about this site. Give her the addie, or pull it up on her computer. Bookmark it for her. Let HER explore it on her own. If she doesn't a couple weeks later, maybe show her some of the articles, or have fun showing her some of the outrageous toys! Sometimes the first step can be the hardest!

Now, if she does tell you that her sex life, or lack thereof, is none of your business, as her DAUGHTER, you should really respect that request of privacy, IMO.

[MysticLady]

There are at least two universal truths in this world:

1. No child can ever imagine his or her parents making love; ( include granparents in that.)

2. No parent can imagine their child making love.

Most grandparents are a lot more spry than you think, and now that we have viagra, and other pills to help with Erectile dysfunction disorders, elderly people are having the time of their lives. Hugh Hefner, who is now about 81, freely admitted that life for him began anew when Viagra came out.

I hope you can use this forum to practice talking about sex, so that you can approach someone you know and trust well to have this kind of talk in person. You can always print out a post, or Sex. Ed. article from this site, and show that to someone else to read as a " favor to you " , so that you can ask them questions about it. Cousins, and Aunts are a good beginning, if you are as close emotionally as you are in distance.

Best wishes.

Howard

My grandparents hardly leave the house and its to go to the doctor cause my grandpa has heart problems. They are without a doubt very conservative. I share a bathroom with them and I have had to sometimes go in the middle of the night to use it and they are sleeping on opposite ends. My grandfather usually sleeps on a recliner cause it is better for him to breathe.

Sometimes I stay up almost all night and I only hear very loud snoring from my grandmother.

Liesl

[nosleepnmesa]

Although growing up my mother never really talked sex with me, I think that it embarrased her to do so. I can remember her sending us to a friends house to stay the night numerous times, in fact it was our neighbor, at the time. We would be out in the yard playing and we could hear her. Now that I am older and in fact since I was 19yrs old, I talk sex with my mother. I know it makes her umcomfortable even though she trys hard not to show it. I have asked her why it seems to make it that way and her words are and I will quote "Your my daughter and thought of you having your own kids and life, makes me realize that your not my little girl anymore, and it hurts." I understand where she is coming from since I do have children of my own.

Now I at times tease her about the noises I use to hear and we both laugh about it. Now in our relationship it is much easier to talk sex to her once she came to the reality that I am grown. Heck I have her grandkids. Most of the people here know I talk sex with my children all the time. They have a sexual question, they come to me. When my daughter started her period, she came right up and yes she was young, she started at 8, she knew exactly what was happening and knew what to do, that doesn't mean she didn't try to be slick about things.

Now my dad and I, we talk more sex then I think most fathers and daughters. Since I am a reviewer here we talk about the products I recieved and if I liked them ect.. We do it to drive me step-mom nuts, yes a little evil intention there, don't get me wrong my step-mom and I have a WONDERFUL relationship. I think alot of the time that fathers tend to handle sexual communication better with their daughters then mothers, I think this because I am a mother and that motherly instict comes in. I remember the conversation my X and I had when we decided that we were going to have children. I told him that no matter what happens, and no matter what our children ask we will always be honest with them. YEs we have the open door policy. I can't stop my teenager from having sex, but I did educate him, buy him condums etc.....

The way to talk to your mother I guess is to ask her honest why talking about sex makes her uncomfortable, it could be for the same reasons as my mother use to have. If you never ask her, you will never know.

Best of luck to you and keep us informed!!

[Sarahangel]

Thanks Everyone for the great advice... I know my mom has issues with sex stemming from two attempted rapes that occured before I was born, and even some possible molestation that may have occurred as a child..and various other incidents where grown men tried to touch her then theres the fact that my father apparently cheated on her several times... And that its also why she is uncomfortable with the topic..and often says she doesn't like it...

Believe me she enjoyed sex when I was younger...when I think back I realize my parent's bedroom door was locked alot....and with my stepdad...they used to have sex quite a bit, often calling me into the room the next morning asking for bottles of water...and when I'd walk in they were sweaty and naked...my mom doesn't care if I see her naked so her flashing me was always the dead giveaway lol. of course I was always teasing saying things like... "Dear god mother I do not want to see your tits!!" but then my stepdad would be like "But they're so pretty" So I'd leave the room in stitches.

Anyways I think because I'm still a virgin and never been in a relationship she feels i'm clueless about it, but i've started dropping subtle hints in our conversations that I know a thing or two about sex even though i've never had it.

She asked me two nights ago if I really thought she could find a good man even though she's over wieght ...I told her that hell yeah she could but that she has to start getting out of the house..go out with Our neighbor and good friend. Then she was like I would marry a gay guy...he could have his boyfriend or whatever but we'd be married and be bestfriends because thats all I want...No offense to gay men and women (which by the way I am cool with because my aunt is a Lesbian and I love her and her partner...they are very cool people) but I told my mom that would be pathetic...well the idea that she's so desperate for a companion that she'd marry a gay man...

I don't understand why she thinks this way....wanting a relationship with someone minus the sex???

I even told her that if I were married i'd be so in love with and want to be with my husband as much as possible...

I'm trying to casually bring up sex in our conversations but when I start telling her the truth about things she screams at me and says "Shut up you don't know what your talking about...you don't know what it is to be married or whatever it is i'm right about.

After she shocked me with..i'll marry a gay guy...I told her that she can easily find a good man that will love her the way she deserves to be...but that she has to deal with her intimacy issues because that good man won't stick around if she refuses to be intimate with him...She got quiet and I think I may have even taken her by surprise by knowing she has those kid of issues...something she probably thought she had kept hidden from me up until that moment.

As far as how her parents handled sex talk with her....they didn't My mom was born and raised in Tijuana, Mexico to an illiterate mother and father who worked all day...they were dirt poor. She is one of 9 kids... She basically learned about sex from friends and her siblings...Yeah she's had it bad and having had so many negative experiences with Sex I can see why she doesn't want to have it anymore...but I know that once she see's that there is nothing wrong with it...she'd be so much happier!!

I'll keep trying...but I doubt I could get her to sit in front of the computer and check out the articles on this website...

[Tyger]

What Howard said is very true, and he brought up some great cultural and religous reasons as to why she may think the way that she does.

Also, one reason that your mother may be uncomfortable about sex, is, the overlooked aspect of her attempted rapes and possible molestation. Without talking it out, understanding that what happened is not the victim's fault, and trying to at least find a way to live with those facts, can also be making it a bit hard for her to enjoy sex, or even WANT it.

She may or may not have truly liked sex way back when, with your step-father. Who's to say? Lots of cultures make it mandatory, at least by appearances, that the woman appear to be happy with whatever the man wants. Her culture is one of them. What a woman wants isn't as important as making the man feel like a man, and appear to be The Man to friends and family too. She may not even realize this, not due to ignorance, but just how she was raised.

This will be a hard thing for her to try and rewire in her way of thinking, though not impossible.

You're right, everyone can find SOMEONE. But they have to make the effort, and put themselves out there to try. She may just need the right man to want to please HER, for her to really come out of her shell. Where, I do believe that it's mosty true, you can't be pleasured unless you know how to pleasure yourself, there are cases, IMO only, that if someone has been raised with such strict views (or lack of info) on sex, that a man willing to take time and teach her how to enjoy herself fully, is just what's needed.

I hope that makes sense...

[Sarahangel]

I know you didn't mean it to be, but your assumptions about my mother offended me because she is nothing like you say...

My mom does not think of herself as Mexican.....She thinks of herself as AMERICAN..a damn proud one too!!!

and the immigration status comment...ooh that just hurt because she is a legal resident of the united states as am I and my siblings and we are damn proud of that too!!

Yes we are catholic...we go to church, we believe in god ~ that part is true

My mom DOES NOT live and think in spanish..She may be from Mexico and called it home for the first 16 years of her life...BUT SHE HATES IT!!! Its not her center of being either.

Knowing the people she was friends with when I was growing up masturbated (I have them to thank for knowing what a Vibrator was by the time I was 9) tells me she knows Vibrators and dildo's exist

Some of the halloween costumes she used to wear....damn she might as well have been wearing a bra and underwear... I just know she's masturbated even if its just with her fingers!!

Yes she is going through Menopause...she was pre-menopausal when some cysts were found in her ovaries when she was about 43...the Ovary was removed...5 years later a tumor the size of a newborn baby's head was found on the remaining ovary It had cancer in it...but it hadn't spread beyond the core of the tumor so she had a hysterectomy and she is healthy...

She has a psychiatrist that she's seen only once...and the Doctor she had before this idiot she had my entire life..but all he did was feed her Xanax...and she always would tell me she was afraid to talk to him...but she faithfully had sessions with him for 20 something years...

I tell her that she needs a good psychiatrist that she's not afraid to open up too...especially when she told me one day that she remembers always going to stay with her god parents whenever my grandma had another baby...she remembers seeing her friend being touched by the guy and watching from the window as her friend just looked at her for help..I ask her if she remembered being touch but she doesn't, she really didn't remember much about being there but all of the sudden she's having these memories...

I told her that all her bad experience with sex...like the possible molestation via her godfather..the man on the bus that flashed his penis at her when she was about 11, her 2 attempted rapes..all that affects how she perceives men and the act of love making...I told her that she won't be happy with a man if she's afraid of sex...of course she says there's more to a relationship than sex..which is true...but I came back with... How do you expect to hold onto a man if you don't let him love you completely...you can't say I love you but your never going to have sex with me...

Anyways my mom would slap you silly Howard if you had said those things to her in person!!!

[Sarahangel]

Oh and as to why I didn't OMIT the facts about my mom in my original post....I mentioned all her problems before in the other topics i've started...didn't want to sound like a broken record, and I guess I shouldn't have assumed anyone would remember it.....

[Sarahangel]

Soap Opera?? how is the question I asked a soap opera?? that post was so hard to write because I wasn't sure if it was right of me to be talking to my mom about sex I was afraid of getting laughed at..not only do you assume my mother is an Illegal Immigrant that speaks little or no spanish but you call her situation a soap Opera!! Well excuse me for thinking I could come here and ask for advice...

That is rude and hurtful and now i'm afraid to ask the other questions I had about sex because if just asking for simple advice on how to talk to my mom about sex get's her situation called a soap opera lord knows what other hurtful things you will say to me if I ask the other questions I had...

NEVER AGAIN AM I POSTING HERE!!!

[MysticLady]

Soap Opera?? how is the question I asked a soap opera?? that post was so hard to write because I wasn't sure if it was right of me to be talking to my mom about sex I was afraid of getting laughed at..not only do you assume my mother is an Illegal Immigrant that speaks little or no spanish but you call her situation a soap Opera!! Well excuse me for thinking I could come here and ask for advice...

That is rude and hurtful and now i'm afraid to ask the other questions I had about sex because if just asking for simple advice on how to talk to my mom about sex get's her situation called a soap opera lord knows what other hurtful things you will say to me if I ask the other questions I had...

NEVER AGAIN AM I POSTING HERE!!!

Don't go,I don't think your situation is soap opera. Maybe you should search online for other places that has advice or if you want, PM me and I look for the answers.

Liesl

[Tyger]

Wow, well, here is a good example as to things that are inferred and are taken wrong, just by a couple of comments here and there.

First, I hope you don't leave. Asking questions is hard to do, and I commend you for trying to help your mother out.

I reread Howard's posts, to see where he said that your mother was an illegal immigrant, and didn't see it. He DID say "no matter what your mother's immigration status is". Which, to me, sounded like he was saying whether she is or isn't an American citizen, the way of her thinking is probably due to how she was raised in Mexico, and a lifetime of that sort of thinking is hard to do, just because you may become a citizen somewhere else. I will say that I have a few Mexican friends, some being born here, others that crossed the border and got their citizenship. They are all proud to be Hispanic Americans. And rightfully so. I have personally dealt with racism, and even reverse racism, so I know where you're coming from to a degree, and lots of people get super-defensive over something that wasn't intended to be insulting in the first place. Trust me, knowing Howard as much as I can via the internet, I have no doubt that if he wanted to be insulting, he would do so very directly.

Yes, all of this got blown out of proportion, and tempers tend to flare. I can understand both sides of this. Agreeing and disagreeing with both on certain things.

That said, let's remember, we're adults, everyone having a different POV. Our main goal here is to try and help people with sexual issues and such, if possible. When posting a question, again, please don't assume that a respondor will know exactly what you're talking about, or will read between the lines. If there is a specific question, then it needs to be asked to the best of your ability. Giving as many details as you feel comfortable with is the best thing to do. If you don't get the answers you are truly looking for, try rewording the question. Comments and suggestions are made by what someone READS and COMPREHENDS from the poster, not what they "Infer" for the most part. Plus our life experiences of what we've been thru, taught, and have come to realize over time. Wrong or right, that's the way people work.

Also, several of us read several posts a day, and respond accordingly. Please don't assume we will remember who said what and when when posting a question. Be as specific as possible. Repeating yourself, especially in a new post/forum isn't a bad thing. Several of us have lots of things going on between work, home, and then our internet time, and keeping everything straight all of the time is pretty difficult to do.

I hope you decide to stay. But, of course, it's your decision. I wish you the very best.

[clewing]

Wow, this subject got a rather emotional. But I still wanted to weigh in on it.

I've been open with my kids about sex, and they realized as young teens we had a pretty active sex life when they would notice how often our bedroom door would be locked. I do discuss somethings with them, especially my daughter, but often get "That's TMI, Mom," from my sons. I have wondered about introducing my daughter to Too Timid as she doesn't have a boyfriend right now, how she would react, so it is the opposite problem. But one of my problems from way back was that sex was private. I was never taught that it was bad (although my parents did sort of freak out when they caught me masturbating at a very early age), but private. I do have one girlfriend I can discuss sex with, but with some of the others sex is barely alluded to.

And it has been very difficult to open up here, even with people who don't know me, but I am working on it!