Communication

[telecom69]

Hello All,

I haven't posted in awhile, but wanted to pass on something that has always been important to me and get your feedback. I would say my last marriage failed because my ex-wife ceased to want to communicate, thus decided to have an affair with our daughters husband. Obviously that devastated our family. The ex (she is 46) now pretty much lives in poverty after blowing her settlement on her young (he was 19) lover who hit the road once the money was gone. Ex now works all the time and barely gets by and is severely depressed and is still an ourcast from both families and she lives alone.

I've been with my gf for about two years and many of you know her past. She has been living with me now for about three months. She is not the type of person who communicates and will clam up unless I press her. I'll say how I feel in the most positive manner I can without being in your face. Sex has still been an up and down thing with us. Kind of like out of sync and not knowing what the other really wants. She still has the orgasm issue which can be frustrating. I told her of a dream I had about her last week where I was going down on her and she was so wet, telling me how she liked it and telling me what to do. Very sexy! She then told me she has some dreams sometimes but they aren't with me in them. She says it is some guy but she really can't see a face and she is having good sex, is uninhibitied, and just letting go. That is something she wishes she could do with me. There probably is a face, but she just doesn't want to tell me. I know woman dream about things like that, so it didn't really bother me. This out of sync thing just gets me, so last night while in bed watching TV I just started to slowly kiss her, take control, and let things build. I asked her this morning about last night and she said...

"I was feeling happy yesterday and you were extremely sexy to me last night. Plus, I like you being aggressive."

How do you all communicate with your signficant other? Do you like you man to be aggressive? Are you just up front about issues, spin things, etc?

Telecom

[Tyger]

I would take her word for it, that her fantasy lover may not have a face. It may be "safer" for her to imagine herself with a stranger, letting all inhibitions go. Also, in dreams, you can be carefree, not worrying about anyone else's thoughts, fears, or even desires. Just yourself. A time to be totally selfish with your thoughts and desires! In dreams, you can be whoever and whatever you want to be. That's harder for some people to let out when they're awake.

Many women think that it's just not OK to let your lover know what you want. And if you do, you're either WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYY too experienced, and may chase them away. As ridiculous as it may SOUND, what one has grown up believing, or just your way of thinking, it's hard to change.

It takes a lot for some women, who have always thought that their man's pleasure comes before their own, to change their way of thinking. Most women aren't taught to be physically selfish. Everyone needs to know that obtaining & giving pleasure with a willing partner, is a great thing! Not only are you sharing your body, but it can feel GREAT too!!

For shy women (and men too), talking away from the bedroom may be a great start. Just a romantic night, cuddling, no pressures, and questions being asked on both sides. Use sweet, yet direct words. Some women shy away from slang, thinking that it's rude. Like using the word BREAST instead of tits, BUTTON instead of clit (even though clit is part of the technical word, maybe even try CLITORUS). It may take her a while to even say or explain her likes and dislikes using the "nice" terminology. It takes time, and patience, both of which you seem to want to put forth the effort with!

Explaining to someone, sincerely, that giving them pleasure, and KNOWING you're pleasuring them, is a great turn-on for you, well, that's a great thing to share with your special someone. Again, it has to be sincere. People can usually hear insincerity.

You're right. Communication in a relationship is very important. In every aspect, not just a sexual one. And, you're always learning new things about your SO, so, just try your hardest to explain yourself, feelings, POVs, likes, dislikes, and opinions, as best you can. Keep trying.