Would A Gay Man Date A Woman?

[CyanSeas]

Okay, so I've gone on a couple of dates with this man I met through Match.com. I was the one who contacted him (in being proactive about finding distractions per my other thread). His sense of humor on his profile was a perfect fit for mine: self-deprecating, sarcastic, intelligent.

We emailed each other back and forth for about two weeks before we met. Our banter in the emails were great.

So we met for a casual "date" in a bar. And my first impression of him was "hmm, he's a bit short, but cute" and my 2nd was "wait - is he gay??"

After two dates now, I still can't shake the notion that he might be gay. I suppose I don't have any real reasons for thinking he's gay, it's just my perception I suppose. He's very lively when he talks - animated. He's only 2 years older than me, but he seems excitable, hyper, easily surprised. I know none of these things means he's gay. Besides, why would a gay man date a woman??

No really, why? Is this a known thing? Is it possible?

I was talking to a male friend about this and he suggested it may just be my taste in men. I grew up in the Northeast - very urban, hard, a bit cold and impersonal. This guy was born and raised in Los Angeles. My previous boyfriend is from the same city as I am and he's very much a "man's man." He can rewire an entire house, just built a bed from wood he bought at Home Depot, loves his beer, cigars, dogs, etc. (though he's also a great cook, does all the cleaning, and dresses very well).

Am I making unfair comparisons? Perhaps this guy is just "metrosexual?" Or perhaps I've been out of the dating world for so long (7 years) that I'm not used to what men are like now and am being influenced by out-dated notions of what a man is really like. Or perhaps I should listen to my gut?

I do enjoy hanging out with him - we have great conversations - but I'm holding back and feel a bit turned off by his... his something. Can't quite put my finger on it.

Any thoughts?

[CyanSeas]

If someone comes at the two of you while you are out, you are more likely to have to defend both of you, than expect him to defend you. He doesn't know how.

Wow. You just made me realize that I feel this way about many of the men in my life - dates and friends. I feel mentally and physically stronger in the face of confrontation/dangerous situations than the great majority of my male friends.

I suppose society's changing. My ex boyfriend is 13 years older than me; he grew up in a different time, different standards. Men my age seem to be a bit softer. Some may see this as a good thing. Shouldn't we be glad that men are more open about their feelings, exploring different things that women have traditionally enjoyed (fashion, skin care products, gossip)? Equality for all, in all things, right?

But meh, I like my men a bit rougher.

[Tyger]

If this guy went on a dating site to find a woman, instead of a man, then you may be reading him wrong. I'm not really sure, not having met him. Plus, I've never dated anyone from CA. I also grew up in the NorthEast, but in Maine, where the Canadian French prevail, and are VERY animated and expressive. So, I am use to that.

You run the risk of insulting him if you come right out and ask him. But, that's the most direct route, if you really want to know. There's no "set" tell-tale signs that a man is gay. I had a friend, that I had NO clue he was gay. He loves sports, wears just jeans and t-shirts, takes good care of himself, loves cars, hates art, and drinks beer. The only thing that clued me in, is that he never flirted with me, or even looked at women! I finally just came out and asked him. Sure enough, gay.

It could be that you're just use to older, more refined men. Older men have a much more calmer face, a bit more "regality" if you will. They've lived longer, and, therefore, learned more about relationships.

[Tyger]

They call that "Gay-Dar". And, yes, you can usually just TELL with many men, out or not. And, it may not be overly specific, just intuition. And, a woman's intuition, IMO, is usually spot-on. if you just "know" that he's gay, and may not be "out", then that's something you'll have to figure out how to handle.

But there's really no "checklist" as to say Yes He IS Gay. Gay men that are "out" are usually pretty open about their sexual preferences. It just depends on what degree & where they are.

The way your guy gestures may just be how he grew up. My friend that I mentioned, did NOT gesture like a gay man at all. I have another male friend that gestures like MAD, somewhat femininely, again, not gay. One of my friend's step-brother's is very very gay. Meaning, he's flambouyantly gesturing all over the place. I knew a gal that walked like a man, smoked like a guy, talked and dressed like a guy. You would've thought she was gay and the more "masculine" part of a FF relationship. However, she just grew up with her 2 brothers and father. She never had a female role model, so she just emulated what she was around. Just how someone gestures doesn't mean that they're gay or not.

Again, the most direct route is to ask him. But, be careful how you do so, because if you aren't tactful, you could bruise his ego, and/or insult him.

Men will date women to cover up being gay. It happens all of the time. For whatever reason, they choose to stay hidden. Dating the opposite sex is more acceptable in society, even by today's standards. It's "easier". A few of my gay friends (females AND males) have told me that they had dated the opposite sex a lot, just because it was socially easier to do that then to go out and hold hands with someone of the same gender. Me, personally, can't see why someone would go to a dating site, to find a cover up date. If anything, I would think that that would be more anonymous to go and find someone of your preferred preference. Confusing? Absolutely! I don't envy you on this one at all.

Best wishes and good luck with the outcome.

[ToyQueen]

I know several gay men who have married women and had children. So they obviously date women, too.

I agree with Tyger that you can't always tell a person's sexual orientation simply by the way he or she dresses or gestures. But I would think that if he's on a singles dating site and looking at women, he is probably straight.

Just my two cents.

[CyanSeas]

Well we had another date. It was fun - lots of easy flowing conversation. Still couldn't get the fact that he was a bit too "animated" for my taste out of my head. But I could also tell he was attracted to me - he engineered a couple situations to try to "set the mood" for some action, such as bringing me up to the roof of a tall parking structure which had a stunning late night view of Los Angeles. We were the only two up there, and if it were someone else, would have been a perfect make-out moment but I yakked away the entire time to prevent it from happening.

A few drinks later, and he grabbed me, spun me around, and kissed me. We made out for a bit outside at 2am against a tree. Sounds rather romantic, but for me, I did it because I do like him (as a person) and I just enjoy kissing and being kissed, but there was no fire there. I'm still thinking about someone else...

With this being my first "dating experience" in about 7 years, I'm not quite sure how to end it. Ideally, I'd rather it transition into friendship because I am fond of the guy, but I don't want to lead him on in thinking that I have romantic feelings or attraction to him.

So... now what?