What To Do

[DRAGONMISTRESS71]

im in a rut. i had a baby a yr ago, and it seems like my sex drive has gone down hill. im to the point of having sex maybe once a month. i feel bad, because im not pleasuring my husband, im not taking care of his needs. i dont know what to do, if anything, to get my sex drive back. i am on birthcontrol, could this be a factor in the issue also? any help would be greatly appreciated

[jennycherie]

I understand that you aren't generally interested. . . but once you start foreplay, do you become interested? If so, maybe it's just a matter of choosing to do it. Sure it's not a priority for you, but it is an important part of a healthy marriage so you can still CHOOSE To do it anyway, even if you're not already feelin' randy.

[DRAGONMISTRESS71]

I understand that you aren't generally interested. . . but once you start foreplay, do you become interested? If so, maybe it's just a matter of choosing to do it. Sure it's not a priority for you, but it is an important part of a healthy marriage so you can still CHOOSE To do it anyway, even if you're not already feelin' randy.

I know some of the reason is because Im completely exhausted by the end of the day, after taking care of our daughter. Im ready to go bed by 9pm. I try my best to satisfy him. But even during foreplay, its like mind is somewhere else other then sex. I have an appt to talk to my ob. Im either going off the pill completely, or switching to a different one. I am happy the way are relationship is without having to use condooms or anything. So, .id hate to go back to using those.

thanks for the replys. i appreciate them

[Tyger]

Well, I don't know what doctors Howard has heard about, but all of the doctors I've seen have asked me how my sex life is after baby (especially right after our daughter was born). And they stressed how important it is not only for me and my husband, but for us as a family to regain some US time. Maybe that's a sign of the times. Doctors now a days are recognizing the importance of a healthy sex life for the mother and father! YAY!! With the divorce rate climging, and the stress it brings, I think doctors are trying what they can to make couples aware of different options for even everyday issues, which is GREAT!!!

I was in the same boat you are in now. I had some health issues right before and after our daughter was born (in 2003). I just DIDN'T want sex!! I was nursing (which, no matter what anyone says, takes A LOT out of a woman, energy wise!), and the primary care giver to our daughter. Hubby worked long hours, and the last thing I wanted to do was sacrifice some sleep time, especially since our daughter didn't sleep thru the night for over a year! I was on birth control for nursing mothers too. I think it was a combo of everything, really. Plus, I felt as though my husband could do more to help me with the baby. At least lemme get a solo shower for crying out loud! Once I talked with my GYN, and my husband about helping me allow myself to be ME as well as Mommy, things progressively got better.

When I ran out of the BC, we used condoms AND foam (which we still do until his insurance kicks in in 2 mos!). So, those may be a bit inconvenient, but I know that doubling up like that, the risk of pregnancy is practically NIL, which is a BIG worry for me since I don't want anymore kids. We still have lots of fun, even with the momentary foaming and condom wrapping, so, if it becomes a part of your sex life, it really doesn't seem like a huge deal after a while.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Talk with your OB about switching BC methods. There are several out there, besides the Pill, for you and your husband to try. The new IUDs are a lot safer, patches, rings, all sorts of things for you to ask about. I'm planning on getting Merana (sp?), which is a form of an IUD. I've heard great things from the Mommies on another board I belong too.

Best wishes!

[LoveGoddess]

Although I agree with a lot of what Howard had to say about talking with your husband and finding a time when it is more conveinent to have sex (rather than at night when you are exhausted), I have to disagree with his perspective on what you can do to get your libido back.

Sending him flowers, calling him, and generally stroking his ego is just one more thing on the daily to-do list of a new mom. Its not that these things aren't important and wonderful in a relationship, and they ARE. However, if what you are saying about your mind being elsewhere during foreplay is looked at, I would guess that it doesn't involve how can I find more time for him, or a better way to please him. Sex shouldn't be viewed as another chore to be completed for the day before you can finally sleep-but for many women that is what seems to happen. What I see here, and correct me if I am wrong DragonMistress, is that the demands on your time of someone (your daughter) that cannot do anything for themselves is exhausting. Most of the women I deal with in my practice (I'm a midwife) are concerned about the loss of their sex life, and their libidos, but more than anything they are mourning the loss of their freedom from complete responsibility of another human being. And no matter how much their husbands may be supportive sometimes sex to please him is just One more thing that she is now responsible for. So I ask the question...what about the thought of turning the tables? Not finding ways to please him, but helping him to know what would please you??

Him watching the baby so you can take a long shower or bath to relax and have You Time? a massage? morning sex after a good nights sleep? How about sex Before dinner and have it ordered in? How about a simple thing such as watching the baby so you can go out for a little alone time. Much of what I hear is that the triad of being a woman is very difficult when trying to balance being a Mommy, Wife, and Woman. Hard to feel wifely when you aren't even sure you have the energy to be an individual woman...and not someones mommy.

The pill is also a very real possibility of the cause. I'll spare you the long winded medical explaination, but Any hormone pill taken by mouth lowers our hormones resonsible for libido. The patch does not, IUDs do not , and I have to agree with Tyger, the Mirena IUD is an excellent choice for a lot of moms.

Now, I want to play fair, so I will also put in a note that I don't know what your husband is expecting or wanting...but then again, do You? Are parenting roles and responsibilities something you two have discussed? Sex talk is extremely important, as you will see in most of the posts here. But so are the dividing of parenting roles? Who works, who does laundry, dishes, dusting? Who gets up with the baby at 2am? do you take turns? How were you both brought up to view parenting and marital roles? and do you both agree with those roles? or is it something you are willing to work on together? And very important: what was your sex life like before children?

I'll step down off my soapbox now, but I just wanted to let you know that it is not just about him, and it is not just about you. But, together you can talk about where you would like to be, and then work on how to find a way to get there together. Good luck with your upcoming appointment, and let us know how it goes.