Frustration

[fairy1]

We've been married about 8 years, together for 14+. We were each other's first.

I have made mistakes. When we started, he didn't bring me to orgasm with sex and I didn't want him to feel bad, so I faked. Unfortunately, I've never really learned to orgasm with sex alone as result. I have had orgasms during intercourse, but honestly, it's maybe 2 times a year at best.

I got vocal after we had kids, telling him I needed him to pay more attention to my clit, that I couldn't orgasm strictly through penetration, but it was lost on him. Foreplay is like 2 minutes to him, then about 5 minutes of him pumping away and then we're done. So even if I try to get myself to orgasm, there's no freakin' time to get myself to a place i can orgasm. He refuses to bring a vibrator/bullet into the bed with us.

He used to go down on me, but doesn't anymore. Personally, I think I taste yummy, so it's not like an odor issue.

We've never really been on the same wavelength with frequency. I could go several times daily, he's happy with once every 2 weeks (if that). I've gotten more and more frustrated and feel this is just not healthy to our relationship. We literally went 2 months without sex this summer.

Do you try to initiate, I'm sure you're wondering. Yep. Prime example. Friday night, we were laying on the couch together. I took off my shirt, so all I had on was PJ bottoms. snuggled up close. Nothing. So I reach around to start to play with him and he tells me he's watching tv.

WATCHING TV?????

I had felt this was about me for so long, that I was doing something wrong or I wasn't giving him something. this can't be about me. I will do just about anything sexually and this man just isn't interested.

He is into internet porn. I'd worry, but it's mostly all about breastfeeding lesbians He does have the fantasy of a 3-some and I'm still nursing (hence the breastfeeding). So I know he's interested, but WTF??? I'm certainly not going to partake in a 3-some with the current state of affairs. Plus not to be rude, if he can't take care of me, how's he going to with another woman?

We do have 2 small children, work full time and go to school. I know we have a lot on our plates. But I also feel it's really important for us to connect on this level. I looked into marriage counseling, but the insurance doesn't cover it and we sincerely don't have the $ to pay out of pocket until after the 1st of the year. But after Friday's nights fiasco (and the fact he hasn't tried anything since) I don't know that I can wait that long.

I feel I'm rambling, but you get the general idea.

ETA: We were discussing all of this the other day and I brought up the not being able to orgasm thing and his response was, "Well, I can't help you with that." HUH??? what do you mean you can't help me with that?

when we have these talks, I'm not mean, rude or anything. I'm just at a loss here folks.

[fairy1]

I should add he had a vasectomy about 6 months ago, swearing up, down, left and right that the reason we weren't having sex was fear of pregnancy.

Our sex life got worse after it.

I've been trying to have civil, non-bedroom conversations. All the conversations happen at night, after the kids are in bed, when we've been relaxing and things are open. I really have been trying to not be "that wife". but now I'm just at a loss.

I've asked time and time again if he's stressed and for a while it was work, now that has gotten better.

I'm at a point that I honestly feel he doesn't want to be married and in this situation, but doesn't want to "man-up" about it. I'd rather not be married than in a marriage that neither is happy. He's my best friend and I really do love him with all my heart, but I'm just frustrated as heck.

[fairy1]

Aalthough I agree that your husband should never have made that crack, you are in charge of your own orgasms. Read the Sex Ed. Articles on Orgasms here. You will find a tab at the top of this page to take you there.

Most women cannot have an orgasm during SI without direct stimulation of your clitoris. There are a variety of reasons for that. I believe that most women shut down their connections between their brains and their genitals when they were adolescents, and never re-wired the circuitry. It was how women stayed " nice girls " by not having sex as teens, and getting pregnant. For other women, they just have never really learned how to relax, and enjoy orgasms. For other women, they have never thought it important in their lives to have orgasms-- it was just something kind of messy and they didn't want to be bothered. We still meet women who think we are joking about having lots of orgasms, and we still meet women who aren't sure they have ever had an orgasm, and are not sure what it is!

So, you are not alone. I don't know what your problems are, and without knowing more about his point of view, we can't guess. How does he feel about that vascectomy? Did he make the decision to do it, with you or without you? What is your relationship with him like out of bed? Do you guys play at any other time of the day than late on Friday nite? Do you play when you don't have to worry about the kids gettting up and interfering with your playtime? Do you flirt, and tease each other? Why did he stop giving you oral sex?

Too many questions.

Howard

No, I agree with you Howard, I am in charge of my orgasm, but I also feel he could be a bit more concerned.

He wanted the vasectomy, he wanted one for quite some time. I am still not sure I'm done having children and was not on board, but hey, it's his semen, his call. I have not thrown it around that I am unhappy, I voiced it just before the procedure and never since (why bother? wouldn't change what's done).

Outside of bed, we are very close and I can honestly say he is my best friend. I love him, but I can't say he feels the same on all of that towards me.

I have tried to play other times, but often he pushes me away. I honestly feel it's a "control" issue with him. He's somewhat rigid about things/change (but laid back all at once...how does that work?!?).

The only time he will play is when he comes to bed late at night after he's been looking at/downloading porn. *sigh* He has tried on occassion on a Sunday morning, but the kids are often awake and it's not very feasible (but we give the 'ol college try )

Oral sex. He was never really into it. The last time was many years ago, I cannot even remember when. I love to be oral with him, but he doesn't like me to be. I ask if I could do something different, if there's something he'd like to try, but it's always, "No." The most I ever got out of him was that he saw a bj as "dirty" and thought of me as innocent since he was my first. He knows he was not my first everything, just my first vaginal intercourse.

I am very open to trying new things or even doing the same old thing, but I just need it to be more than twice a month. I don't think that's asking too much.

He won't talk to me about this. I've tried every angle I can think of.

[Tyger]

Ok, so this is what it boils down too:

Pregnancy worries-gone.

You try and try to be assertive, but he pushes you away.

You've faked it all these years cuz you wanted him to feel good, and NOW you want him to do more.

You both work AND have small kids.

You feel as though he'd rather watch internet porn that come to you.

He hasn't listened to your repeated requests to try harder, or suggestions.

He refuses to try anything new.

You're tired, lonely, and horny as hell!

Did I get it all?

Now, a few questions for you:

Do you think he may have ED?

Do you think he may be thinking that it's unfair of you to all of a sudden say "OK, well, now you just don't cut it anymore in bed"?

Is there stresses other than sex? Financial? Children sick? Things like that?

Have you surfed the internet porn with him?

Have you looked into free couselling, such as with a priest/minister of yours? Or maybe a community help meeting?

Have you "allowed" him to catch you masturbating?

Have you just tried bringing a toy in without consulting him first?

Some suggestions:

Next time you catch him cruising the porn sites, plop down on his lap and cruise with him. If he doesn't like that, then, IMO, he needs to shut it off.

I will respectfully disagree with Howard, to a degree, on your orgasms being "your responsibility". If you're making love with your husband, it's HIS responsibility to make sure you have one! No matter how long it takes! After all, men usually "Get Theirs". It IS your responsibility to teach him what you like and what to do to allow you an orgasm, or several! If he doesn't want to reciprocate oral attention, then you should stop doing it for him, IMO. When he notices, and he will, let him know that it's equal ground.

It really isn't fair to fake orgasms. This you've learned too late. It's not fair to you or to your lover. He may be feeling resentment that what he thought was working, wasn't, so why bother trying now, this late in the marriage! He needs to feel like he does something right, and that you want him to make love to you, I think.

What would be the harm in letting him catch you masturbating? Or tell him you have a surprise for him, bring out a toy and MAKE HIM watch YOU, instead of the internet porn?

If he has ED, which is not as common in younger people, but it DOES happen....then he may be unwilling to try and push you away to protect his already shattered ego.

Do you get naps at all? Have you tried waking him up early in the morning, before the little ones are awake, or showering with him (to conserve water, of course!)?

Anyway, these are a few suggestions, and I hope things work out for you.

One other question, how long have you been talking to him about this, and how much longer are you willing to put up with? A loving marriage takes 2 people making HONEST efforts to make it work. If 1 person is giving, and the other is just taking, then it's not a real marriage at all.

It's true that you should be best friends with your spouse, which you vehemently stick too. However, how good of a friend is he being by not listening and trying? And how good of a friend were you all these years to him by lying to him about him pleasuring you in bed? Just something to think about.

[fairy1]

Ok, so this is what it boils down too:

Pregnancy worries-gone.

You try and try to be assertive, but he pushes you away.

You've faked it all these years cuz you wanted him to feel good, and NOW you want him to do more.

You both work AND have small kids.

You feel as though he'd rather watch internet porn that come to you.

He hasn't listened to your repeated requests to try harder, or suggestions.

He refuses to try anything new.

You're tired, lonely, and horny as hell!

Did I get it all?

Now, a few questions for you:

Do you think he may have ED?

Do you think he may be thinking that it's unfair of you to all of a sudden say "OK, well, now you just don't cut it anymore in bed"?

Is there stresses other than sex? Financial? Children sick? Things like that?

Have you surfed the internet porn with him?

Have you looked into free couselling, such as with a priest/minister of yours? Or maybe a community help meeting?

Have you "allowed" him to catch you masturbating?

Have you just tried bringing a toy in without consulting him first?

Some suggestions:

Next time you catch him cruising the porn sites, plop down on his lap and cruise with him. If he doesn't like that, then, IMO, he needs to shut it off.

I will respectfully disagree with Howard, to a degree, on your orgasms being "your responsibility". If you're making love with your husband, it's HIS responsibility to make sure you have one! No matter how long it takes! After all, men usually "Get Theirs". It IS your responsibility to teach him what you like and what to do to allow you an orgasm, or several! If he doesn't want to reciprocate oral attention, then you should stop doing it for him, IMO. When he notices, and he will, let him know that it's equal ground.

It really isn't fair to fake orgasms. This you've learned too late. It's not fair to you or to your lover. He may be feeling resentment that what he thought was working, wasn't, so why bother trying now, this late in the marriage! He needs to feel like he does something right, and that you want him to make love to you, I think.

What would be the harm in letting him catch you masturbating? Or tell him you have a surprise for him, bring out a toy and MAKE HIM watch YOU, instead of the internet porn?

If he has ED, which is not as common in younger people, but it DOES happen....then he may be unwilling to try and push you away to protect his already shattered ego.

Do you get naps at all? Have you tried waking him up early in the morning, before the little ones are awake, or showering with him (to conserve water, of course!)?

Anyway, these are a few suggestions, and I hope things work out for you.

One other question, how long have you been talking to him about this, and how much longer are you willing to put up with? A loving marriage takes 2 people making HONEST efforts to make it work. If 1 person is giving, and the other is just taking, then it's not a real marriage at all.

It's true that you should be best friends with your spouse, which you vehemently stick too. However, how good of a friend is he being by not listening and trying? And how good of a friend were you all these years to him by lying to him about him pleasuring you in bed? Just something to think about.

Do I think he has ED? no.

I never said he couldn't cut it in bed...the way I phrased it (again, trying to be gentle) was that my body changed after the babies and I need things done differently. It was always "my issue", I never put it on him (but I was bitchy after the last time we had sex and it consisted of him twisting my nipples for 30 seconds, going to town for 2 minutes until he was done and then falling asleep. yes, that, I was bitchy about.)

Stresses: Yes, we discussed tonight. He is stressed about money, which is a fair thing to stress about. But it's not a huge stress factor (his words, not mine)

Counseling: I made a call today to get myself into counseling. Insurance will pay for individual, but not marital. I figure I'm pretty messed up over this, I need an impartial party to help. I looked into "sliding scale" counseling, but we can't afford that either. I have not looked to the church...we are member of a Catholic church and well, they will be less than helpful

I have not been caught masturbating. He is coming to bed at such off times than me, it just doesn't happen. Plus, I guess with how he pushes me away when I do try to engage him, it would be that much worse if he ignored me, so it's more fear than anything. I can't handle too much more rejection.

Toy: No, I haven't tried just bringing one in.

We were trying to do the "101 nights of Great Sex" book, but that fell to the side (I got sick of doing my pages and him not doing his).

Opps, porn. I've tried to look at it with him. He's not interested to have me there. I've "found" porn and left him notes or links or downloaded it and told him to watch it. that's as far as that goes. I'd love to watch porn with him, personally I think it's a great way to try more creative things.

I agree, I feel this is very one-sided in the attempts to be together. I asked tonight if he wants to be married and he says he doesn't know (totally different issue). now he's hiding in the basement, not wanting to talk. i do want him to try to make this work, but he needs to try, it can't be all about me trying.

Thank you for all your advice. Like I said, I'm just frustrated as can be.